A few weeks ago, due to scheduling beyond my control, I was forced to leave my dh for the entire day. I try never to do that because I don't think it's right to leave him with no car and no way to get anywhere - alone and lonely. Anyway, in that instance I called an old friend's husband and asked him to call my husband and invite him to lunch, which he did. My dh had a great time and I realized how much he enjoyed a few hours of male companionship. Last week at our Support Group at the Senior Ctr I asked what they all thought of me putting together a Support Group for dh and they thought it was a terrific idea. I've gone ahead and rounded up 3 men, so far who are willing to spend a few hours/month with dh. Now my question for all of you is:
Have any of you done this and if so, how did this all work out for you. All of the men have asked if I was going to provide them with a schedule which I think is not a great idea as they know their family obligations better than I. So, what has worked/not worked out for you?
You need to jump on this with both feet! During the early days after dx, my sister-in-law had a meeting with our friends and asked them to do what you have described. I did not provide a schedule--I was leaving it up to them because most were in their early 60's, still working full-time, etc. The result was that only one friend makes time, approx. every other month, to take hb out to dinner. Another friend will go along, but won't initiate it himself. Perhaps if I had taken the bull by the horns and been pushier, more help would have resulted. If they want a schedule, I say give them a schedule. This has been one of the biggest disappointments to me during all of this; we have gone out with couples, but none of his friends (except the one described above) will initiate anything for just the guys, and my hb would still enjoy that. Even just to pick him up and go out for coffee, etc. wouldn't take much time and would show they care. But from what I have heard, this isn't unusual under the circumstances--women are more likely to stay in touch with friends with dementia than men.
I agree. Lots of our friends invite us to go out with them as a couple and we do enjoy that but seems nobody understands what it would mean if one of DH's friends would just take him out for a little while. I need that time alone so badly. I don't think I could try to make them stick to a schedule, though. Every once in a while would be fine with me. I wouldn't want them to continue if it becomes a burden to them.
Yes, I agree, I do not want to become a burden to our friends, either. So far, I have found 9 people willing to take some time with my dh (2 of them our daughters). They are all men and they have asked for a schedule. My daughter said to just make a schedule and plug them in (with 9, it won't be a lot for any one person) and understand that schedules will change and sometimes the schedule won't work out. But, with no schedule at all, after a while, the visits probably won't take place at all. So, I'm going to give this a try and see how it goes. All of these men are very Godly men and have soft spots for my man (why, I don't know as he can be a bear at times). I pray that this all works out as he enjoys it so much.
mothert--if you and the friends are technology oriented, take a look at this. Google "Lotsa Helping Hands". It's a free, web-based scheduling setup that was originally designed for people to schedule help for a cancer patient. I found out about it from the Alz Assn (used to be on their website, may still be). This is what we tried to use, but as I mentioned, it was a flop.
Sure a good feeling for me reading of your plan and willing helpers, mothert. We moved to this area 6 years ago and have no couple friends. Hb transferred membership from one service organization in CA to the local group and was active for awhile until the dementia got the best of him. He didn't become "friends" w/any of them to the point they've kept in contact with him. Small, country community.
I thought a lot about this topic, and I thank mothert for starting it. In response, I have written a blog about socializaion possibilities. I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com- to read it and post suggestions here.
Joan--Thanks for the excellent suggestions in your blog. This issue has been on my mind for a long time. Ironically, I had already decided to shoot for a monthly outing with other couple(s); I would rather it was more frequent, but in a practical sense, monthly is what is realistic. With everyone so busy; friends who have disappeared since dx; bad winter weather/winter illnesses; snowbirds who are out of town-- things have been very quiet around here on the socialization front. Before dx, we used to go out with friends several times a week; now, when hb and I both really NEED the social interaction, it is severly limited. So I decided I'll have to make it a priority to initiate the monthly night out.
As for the other suggestions, my hb has only really one well friend to interact with who will initiate anything, and he and his wife are one of the couples mentioned above. He also has no friends with dementia--I have been looking for this for 5 1/2 years and haven't succeeded--perhaps because he was dx at 60.
Regarding Richard Taylor's idea--using the doctor as a point of contact upon dx sounds like a good idea, but suppose the people one is put into contact with are significantly older or younger; completely different background/occupation; or--and this is important--different stage of the disease. I don't think it is realistic to expect doctors to do much screening or to figure out which people to match up. The memory clinic where my husband is seen approaches this differently--the nurse does a referral to the Alzheimer's Association, and based on the information provided, a staff member contacts someone they feel would be a good match. Since this is done by a social worker/nurse type, it is more likely to result in a good fit. However, I think most people are so shell-shocked at the time of dx, the referral doesn't really mean much then. When the dust settles a little later on, people may calm down enough to benefit.
My thoughts exactly on Richard Taylor's idea, but it's a good starting point and can be tweaked. I know in our support group, Sid and I have kind of naturally gravitated toward people in our age range (I'm 62; he's 68, so we're talking about people from the late 50's to the early 70's), who have similar interests. In the beginning, we went out in huge groups, but as with all acquaintances and friendships, we've whittled it down to a few couples we really enjoy spending time with.
As I said in the blog, I put out some suggestions, but we have a smart, creative group here. I am sure they can come up with a variety of ideas.
One thng that occurred to me is that since you are in Florida, you may have better chances of meeting couples with common interests in a support group setting. (Simply because of the demographics of the population.) That may not be true in other parts of the country. A few years ago, we were in an early stage group with only 4 couples; two where the husbands had AD and two, the wives. We did socialize for a while with the other couple where the husband had AD; however, he progressed very rapidly and it wasn't possible anymore. So while support group was a great help in many ways, it didn't provide lasting socialization opportunities in our case.
Also, our daughters are both making it a priority to come see their dad one weekend a month. The one with children comes alone so she and her dad have no distractons and the other isn't married and she usually comes for several days at a time. He enjoys the attention and it gives me time to go do whatever I want without feeling rushed. Both have already placed their marks on the dates that they want for the next few months and I have sent the schedule off to the men. We'll see what happens.