Well, the end is here. I lost John in July and my battle to have him qualified for Medicaid has been almost insurrmountable. Remember when my power of attorney was questioned and revoked by the nursing home when I insisted he not be taken for further treatments for his (terminal) blood disorder? They ran up over $800 of transportation costs....in MY name. I have refused to pay. Medicaid has finally accepted him, but only as far back as April, 2010. Long story short, I still owe the nursing home over $4k. I'm being penalized for monies I lent my daughter for her college tuition. I am being allowed NOTHING from his Social Security (that went to the nursing home). Recieved all this informatiion today from my attorney who does NOT want to pursue my case any longer. I'm at a dead end and owe him over $4k as well. He thinks it is futile to appeal. How can a person who was a devoted wife and mother for all these years (28) be so cast off. I didn't want to ever say this again....had hoped I'd made some emotional progress by now, forgiving John and all for his lack of forethought for his young wife....because he was sick. I am railing inside and out with contempt. (I'll use the word "contempt" because I'm feeling HATRED and am in a rage on the inside). Sobbing, feeling helpless, with no way to scrape together one more red cent. I had begun going back to school full time. Now, all I want to do is get my money back. and drop the classes. I CAN NOT find employment. I can't find the boarders I need in my barn. I'm afraid of getting another loser house-mate and be taken to the cleaners again, there. I need to sell my farm, just get out and somehow start all over again, if that is even possible now. I feel hopeless, lost, forgotten. I am hurting physically and wonder if I'll even be ABLE to function in the highly physical field of study I've chosen, becomming a Vet Tech. I would rather leave this earth. ALL odds are against me. I don't know what I've done that is so wrong, that I've not asked to be forgiven of. I only want to lie down an leave the earth. There must be someplace better than this. I thought being a wife and mother was the noblest profession. No, it is not. Proven. It is the STUPIDEST thing any woman can do. I don't know where I'm suppossed to get all of this cash. Pull it out of my nose, I guess. Magic act.I am thinking of dropping out of school, not too late to get most of my tuition back and sell my books. That may help a tiny bit. I'm lost. No one has made a more heroic effort to try at it like me, I'm sure of it. I'll have to sell my home for a fraction of what it's all worth, as well. I have tried, mightily. No use any more. I'm broken. no future any more. My heart is literally broken and so full of resentment. Don't know how I'll ever recover from all of this. And, who in their right mind woild ever even want ME?? Tired of hearing how "blessed" I am....."HE" isn't looking this way.
I am so sorry to hear you are going thru so much still now. I still have my dh and have not had alot of the things happen that you have, but three days ago I too felt the same way. I felt not only ready to leave this cruel world but to end it for me and my dh. I tried writing on this site but the post was too long and told me to cancel. Every where I tried to vent, kicked me off. I was getting more and more negative about my existance and if I was so invisible that no one could or wanted to help me. I tried to research painless suicide. I pulled up the choices for the sites. I didn't know which one to pick so I think I picked the third one. I clicked on it and what I was reading was not quiet what I expected. It was refering me to God and how much he loves me and how worth it to Him I am. Being g christian and getting all my faith from my God, this made sense. I have no right to harm myself or my dh. This will all end when it ends. My strength and endurance will come from him not anything I tried here..... You will make it also. Pull on your Higher Power and post here so we can uplift each other in prayer. I have been praying for your strength since reading your post. I don't have the answers as to how it will work out, but please have faith that it will. Remember things we have here are just material, we will loose them when we are gone anyway. Enjoy what you have and let it go if need be. But live for yourself. Please keep writing and peace of mind is my prayer for you....
stunt girl, You are in need of love and counseling. You can get it from your friends here who have listened in the past and know that you are strong enough to get through this. When things are the darkest friends are always there to help pick you up. $8k in these days is not much to owe. See if they will let you pay on installments. They can't get blood from a stone so they may not have any recourse anyway. \You also need to see your Dr. and get on some meds. This is a time when our prayers will be for you. Keep in touch. <<HUGS>>
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You have been through alot in the past and you haven't had a lot of good things happen for you during this time. But please try to remember that there are people who care about you and worry about you. I sure do wish I was close to you so I could come over and just give you a big hug. I don't have any constructive advice to give you but I wanted you to know that I hear you and am praying for some peace for you. ♥♥♥
Hang in there Jen. It's always darkest just before dawn. You have survived a lot of tuff times and you will survive this. We all love you and are praying for some sunshine in your life.
Stunt Girl, Iso feel your pain..I live it too!!! All those emotions you feel...me too!!! I've prayed to God over and over take this from me or change my heart... The fact is, no answers that I can see....yet. I can't believe I have experienced the same anger you have for the last few days and today it came to a head. I slept for a good portion of the day and watched tv the rest. A good long nap goes a long way. Don't try to make so many hard decisions at one time....give yourself permission to cry and cry hard....I'm thinking of you!
stunt girl-- now is not the time to fold. You have the end of the rotten road clearly marked. Arrange payments, as said above, or better yet ask about a Chapter 11 bankruptcy. That is an arranged payback at a reduced rate over a set time(usually 3 years, I think). The balance not paid is written off. Keep your schooling going. It is a positive step and will help you focus on and start more positive moves. You are nearly clear of the mess. Now is not the time to throw everything away. What about your sculpting. Now is the time to start thinking sunrises and starting fresh. Start small and then expand. Get the meds you need and a counselor to help you stay on track too. It would be a terrible thing to let $8,000 get you now, after you didn't let any of the rest of the shenanigans do so.
I've spent the last hour reading through some of your posts. I hope you don't mind. I want to understand a little better and don't have the history that it's clear you and many here have earned together. I have come to the point of despair too as so many have and a little help and understanding at those moments is so important.
I know that at times we feel we can't go on and at those times when we hear words of support they may not be received. I also know that you have real courage however you see yourself and a big heart. You have fought hard for what you believe in in the face of risk and show real love for animals which I greatly value and think shows a good soul.
I wish that you could value these qualities in yourself a little more right now so that those truths could give you a little strength at this time in your hour of need.
If you could see a path to continuing in school to get that license there is a possibility that this might be a calling in you. Even if you don't there is no doubt that every animal you come across will feel and know your love. That is one of the gifts you have within you.
With all the tribulations with the nursing home and the medicaid and the surgery you have every right to feel the weight of the battles you are fighting. It's terribly hard to go through all these things and realize that your future is not provided for.
There is a path though if you can endure the road. Your parents have been strong backers of you and that is love which you are being given in life. You mentioned in a post that they have made you their sole heir and that there may also be a small annuity and also that while your property will not obtain what it's worth - it is worth something. Also you have paid part of the tuition and books already.
I'm not trying to minimize your hardship or your feelings. Believe me I feel for you. I have my own hardships to face too.
Of two things I am certain.
There are a great many animals that will benefit so much if you fight for that Vet Tech degree and help them - and by helping them provide yourself the means and the qualifications to have a new life. I believe this is a calling for you and that if you could see it through it would place real value of why you are here in your heart.
If you could see that while it is such a struggle you are actually quite a strong person it may really help you.
Thank you for everyone's encouragement. Right now, I can hardly see out of bruised and swollen eyes. I'm going to talk with my neighbor and my father this morning, voices of reason for me that I truly respect. I've been told by them that the last thing I want to do is declare banckruptcy at this point. (?) I'm clueless. I had kept three pictures of my "DEAR HUSBAND" (b.s.!) on my cell phone....once in a while I'd look at them and get all lovey feeling toward him. I ERASED every one of them last night and will NEVER regret it. GONE! I am thinking this morning, that maybe I should change my major back to mortuary science as I had originally planned. A higher paying job in the future and greater demand everywhere.....folks don't stop dying. The date to switch without penalty is coming up next week. Aside from that, its pretty black here. Also....I AM ON MEDS AND SEE A COUNCELLOR. I have panic attacks and have to keep on medication. Depression is a factor, physical pain, etc.
Funny...the one thing I remember overhearing him tell his college aged son when we first got married was, "Michael, whatever you do, remember to marry someone that needs YOU more than you need THEM". That's another time I should have walked. My life would have been so much better.
Stuntgirl- you are probably not aware that this sight has an enormous trust fund available for all members. You have a debit card and are allowed to make unlimited withdrawals or deposits, without ever overdrawing the account. Unfortunately, the currency is not accepted anywhere in the world because they are emotional dollars. But please feel free to make deposits or withdrawals at any time, since the bank is never closed. Debtors prisons do not exist anymore. There is one thing that they cannot (or will not) repossess, and that it YOU. You are unique, and a one of a kind item, so the value is increased accordingly. (Twins are slightly cheaper). All else is just "Your junk", and can be replaced (or not), but no one can replace YOU. Forget about the money you owe....it's only money..and I am not sure the government even understands what that is.... Let go of the past life...there is nothing you can do to change that. But you can change tomorrow...so live for tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you lose the farm, so what///// Did they stop making farms?? You might get a better one. If you lose all your possessions, so what. Is walmart closing?? But if you quit school, give up, and quit, then you lose the tomorrow that you are able to create. Yes there is a better place than this, but you cannot show up as an uninvited guest...doing so may cause you to be turned away, and treated like a party crasher..besides, you leave a legacy to all others who knew you. Besides, everyone here would feel like they failed, because our goal is to keep each other supported so that NO ONE goes skydiving, or other creative suicidal ideas. We would all feel like failures, and then feel totally useless, and we would be deeply wounded. As for your comment "And, who in their right mind woild ever even want ME??", send me some photos and I will pass them around to the homeless men around town and I am willing to bet there will be hundreds or thousands of men who will want you.....(:} ) and I bet, the nicer gentlemen will beg me to get your phone number. The wealthy men will probably want your address. But all that will NEVER happen if you ignore tomorrow. Do not worry about what you might lose...(you seem to be realizing that all that was not worth it), so let it go...forget the past... Yesterday is the PAST Tomorrow is the future but today is a gift...that is why it is called the present. The only thing that you cannot lose is your computer and your internet access to this site....we are the lifeline, so protect that part.....
Stunt Girl: So sorry for all your problems, but these too shall pass. I was just wondering if it would be possible to ask that a lien be placed on your property to pay the medicare/attorney. You might be able to have the attorney negotiate a reduced amount from medicare for you as well as reducing his fees.
I already have taken out a line of credit on my place. Have been told I am not able to file for bankruptcy....I own this place , no mortgage. Have a small annuity I'll have to cash in. Financial suicide, with all the taxes. Parents can not help more than they're doing. I am calling a realtor today to talk about leasing out my farm, moving my furniture into storage. I can't live much longer. I can't pay my electric bill this month. Over $300 and I keep the thermostat set at 63 degrees downstairs, 60 upstairs. Changing majors on Monday to Mort. Science. I am used up. Used merchandise. There will be no more horses, no more studio work, no real future. No "somebody" in my future. Who was I kidding. Just spoke to my parents. They don't have much more advice other than what I've already thought of. Sorry. Hope doesn't float here.
Hey...write an ad for the "woman in search of a man " column.... 1. Former top trophy wife, who stands proudly on a pedestal, and needs infrequently dusting, 2. Former horse stunt riding acrobat, with several souvenirs of her dangerous stunts. 3. Artistic creative wonder, who can also muck out stalls perfectly. 4. Financially independent woman with little to no assets to encumber her. 5. Willing to take in stray borders for very minimum payments. 6. please continue Jen........ find all the good things about yourself, include the the bad ones. 7. Very artistic..master of graceful fallings, equally comfortable in hostile environments 8. A Medical wonder..able to withstand long periods of intense pain. 9. Qualified as a professional boat anchor, street mime, harp player, movie extra, etc 10. Available for scientific medical experiments. 11. Comfortable either in a rolls royce or a dodge ram pickup. 12. experienced in rebuilding egos. 13. Fully experienced in attorney related matters, 14. Knowledgeable in Medicare, Medicaid, and Nursing home administration. 15. Experienced as a mother, wife, nurse, and cook, and able to deal with no appreciation. 16. Self maintaining- able to spend long periods of time alone. 17. able to cry on demand hope by now you get the point.....take all your bad points, make a list, then make them valuable.,....when you finally stop laughing, you will discover that you are indeed valuable, because NO ONE is junk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally, throw it all away and do not repeat do not place the ad anywhere.
Jen..no one said that hope floats....sometimes you have to dive to the bottom to find it.....................
Go read no 14 again...this may just be something to consider...
How often to we read a story in the paper about someone whose loved one suffered some horrible injury and they start a foundation for research..those kinds of stories....
This hardship you have faced and are wading through now just might be the smoke signal for something great..Joan has, because of her DH illness started this blog and look how it has grown! You have gone through absolute hell and are still in hell to some degree. You have been given a lot of sound counsel here from so many people who value you and love you..even though we are mostly cyber friends...we all do care. Why else would we be popping up nearly every day? We have all faced some kind of bumps in this road, you more than most perhaps. And that is where, once you get your feet back on the ground, you, our dear friend, may just be the best warrior to bring some kind of national attention to these issues.
You have far more strength and wisdom than you are giving yourself credit for having. What you are now is terribly depressed and this is a dangerous phase for you. It is hard to think rationally, it is hard to even think there is that tomorrow but there is one out there for you and we all know you can rise to the challenges. But now you need help and we are begging you to get it. You mentioned you are on medications and getting counseling and that is huge. Keep at it and let this counselor know what you have told us here.
Is there a way you can go and stay with your parents for a time? Being alone may not be the best thing for you now.
When you speak of no hope, no future, wanting to lay down and die, we hear you and fear for you. Please do not do anything to yourself..we would all feel we failed you. You need the advice of someone you really trust, though after what you have been through we know that trust is something hard for you right now.
You have a lot of good to do before you but you need to heal and you can. And when you do the world better watch out cuz here you will come with guns loaded to defend those who may face the pitfalls you have before you..you may be destined to become an advocate and not necessarily for those suffering ALZ but for those who face any kind of situation where medicaid and medicare and nursing homes etc come into play.....You might just make one heck of an eldercare attorney.
Jen...when you fell of the horse, did you stay in the muck very long??? I am willing to bet that you got up pretty fast, and sought medical help...so do the same again, now that you have experience.
OK..you can stay in the muck....usually it is warm, soft, scented, comforting, therapeutic,full of friendly organisms, and will work wonders on your completion. It is also organic, can be recycled, and makes a great fertilizer...and you can sell the excess and make lots of money. Finally, it will not set like cement, so you can get out anytime. Just keep it out of your nose and mouth, because it leaves a nasty after taste.
I vote for the animals. They will give you more pleasure and love, and it will be a natural for you. Besides, the initials will look good after your name, and you get to be called Dr.
Jen, all your post always talks about no man wanting you - you have to want you first. You have to love, respect and honor yourself before you can think of a man wanting you. If you go seeking a man now to give your life purpose or meaning you will just find men who will abuse you like in the past. That will be MY hardest hurdle after AD: to love and respect myself cause I don't now. I never have. You always speak of no future without a man in your life - but you have to get emotionally healthy first. Going to school is one big step. Be proud of yourself for taking that big step. You have made it this far, do not let AD and the abuse from your husband take you. Don't give him that satisfaction or his family.
You have suffered a lot of physical pain and injuries from your own doing. You choose to do them and now have to live with the fact your choices resulted in them. Then, the hardest part, is not to let them stop you. Anyone that does sports whether football, racing, mountain climbing, etc. - all adrenaline junkies - have to live with the pain of the choices. But, they loved what they did despite the pain or disabilities and go on. You too can go on.
Again, work on forgiving yourself for wrong, bad or unwise choices you have made. Then start on the healing process. I guarantee, because you have beat yourself up mentally/emotionally over them, you will have to repeat the process - counselors like to equate it to the layers of an onion.
You can do it - just put aside the need for a man and put yourself first now.
Jen, I am so upset that you are still having to deal with more financial problems. Please come to Newport News so that we can get together and talk. You need lots of support and hugs right now! I am worried about you. You need your family and friends! With much love and hugs! Belinda
Dearest Jen, I cannot top the eloquence of the previous posts. Can only echo them that this is not the end. There will be brighter days and you MUST hold on till they come. Please know that many on this board have been and are now as overwrought as you are...just not posting about it right now. Possessions don't matter. All we need is food and shelter and that hope lying on the bottom of the pond. Like Frank said, we may need to dive down to find it. They cannot take the money out of your hide. If you make teensy tiny payments for the rest of your life and never completely pay it off, so what!! Whether we do or don't find another to love is not of great importance. Loving ourselves is. Keep taking deep breaths and keep getting up in the morning thankful to be alive. Smile EVERY day. Fake it till you make it really does work. I've used that philosophy all my life so I know. Hugs to you, friend.
It is always the darkest before the dawn of a new day. Jen, your education is the key for you to be independant and to do what you enjoy, working with animals. I know that stuff can be hard to give up, but it is actually holding you captive to your past. I think you need to put all your efforts into school and let the other stuff go to the back burner. Sell what you have to in order to free yourself to move forward with your new live. Change is hard and having faith is doing the right thing even when you do not know the outcome. Do not give up, it is time to pick yourself up and get back on the horse. I wish you the best and you are in my prayers.
I agree with Bob on this. Pulling yourself up, studying and getting it, then being able to work and be paid are going to be the best therapy you can do for yourself, long term. Don't give up.
And Jen, there are thousands of men who do want you. Most for the wrong reason, some that you would not want for any reason, and a select few that are worthy of you. There is someone out there just perfect for you, but finding him is the hardest part. But first, you need to become you, and make dreams for tomorrow.
Jen--Mimi has hit on a good idea. Later on, when you have put your life on course, you would make a good advocate for change in Medicare laws. Medicare should provide long-term care coverage for people with dementia, period. It doesn't. Many good people have found themselves in your position--having to use up their life's savings to pay for a LO's nursing home costs before Medicaid eligibility kicks in. Most are older than you, with no possibility of returning to work. Your story is certainly dramatic, and you could make an impact.