How do your kids interact with their AD parent? I'm struggling right now because since being on Namenda Robert is doing a little better. The kids, however, treat him like an annoying little brother. It's almost like everytime he tries to talk to them, they stick their fingers in their ears and say na na na I'm not listening to you.
I'm not sure what to do about this. It may be their anger over the situation. How do you guys handle it?
How old are your kids Leighanne? It's very difficult for younger children to deal with a parent who clearly doesn't have parental capability. My kids are presently 15, 17, 19, and 21. The older 2 girls treat Jeff very solicitously and kindly, although the 19 year old can get embarrassed. My 17 year old daughter, who has a temperamental nature anyway, loses patience with him easily. Still, both she and her 15 year old brother get along with him pretty well EXCEPT for when he tries to exercise some kind of parental authority. I do my best to keep him out of situations like that because it's clear that he's unable to make any kind of nuanced parental judgments, or read the subtleties of the situation, whatever it is. I have had to be the acting parent for quite a few years now, the kids know it, recognize Jeff's deficits, and tend to discount any authoritative efforts on his part. That's bad, because he of course feels unsupported. It has helped to make the kids my allies, as much as is possible given their maturity levels. But if you are honest with them (in private) about the situation, what their father's limitations are, and how he needs to be treated, then I think most kids will make an effort when they're able. But they're kids, and have a limited ability to act outside of whatever the emotions of the situation are. Just having re-read your post, I'd reiterate that it might help a bit to ask for their indulgence, and help them realize that they have the capacity to adapt and their father doesn't.
My sons are 11, 15 and 17. I have often told them that even though mom is not up to all that she use to do she is still there mother and I expect them to show her the respect she deserves. For the most part, from what I see I am proud of them and there behavior. However, there are times when the AD strains there relationships and I do my best to intervene. I found it best to keep communication open with them and do my best to answer each ones questions as they arise. Anger even the realization of being cheated out of having a mom to do the motherly roll in the household is not unusual and discussed often with me. I think Emily said it best in her response only I substitute mother instead.
Thanks for your advice. My son is 12 and my daughter is 9. I did have a short talk with Ryan yesterday after picking him up from school. I just told him that I've noticed that he and his sister have not been treating their father very well lately. I pointed out a couple of situations. He didn't think he was being that way, but did say he had noticed his sister doing it. I told him that she probably didn't think she was doing it either. I noticed him trying to listen to his father more and trying to respond to his questions.
Robert tends to ask the same questions over and over - how was school today? do you have your homework done? did you have a good day? etc, etc,, After the third or forth time a question is asked, it starts to get on your nerves. Ryan usually just ignores him and Shannon says - leave me alone.
They come to me with everything right in front of Robert. He will say, I can help with that (even though with homework he probably can't). My daughter has to keep a log of everything she reads everyday. She's supposed to have 2 entries per day. She has to have a parent initial that she's actually done the reading. She was bringing the log to me to sign last night and I said - you know, this is something your dad can do for you. Usually, she will say - no, I want you to do it. But, last night, she took it to her dad. That seemed to make him feel better.
Getting the kids off in private to have these talks is the big challenge. Where Iam , Robert usually is there. I really need to figure out a time when I can do this. I think I need to give Robert's brother a call and see if he will come and get him on Saturday for a day of fishing or something. Of course, the kids will want to go with them.
Leighanne...that thing about asking the same questions over and over--"how was your day?"--etc. That's very familiar. Everything you said I can completely identify with. Yes, my kids could get Jeff to sign things too--it's just a signature...but they just default to me.
I say "ditto" to what each one of you has said. I have an adult son from previous marriage. My DH and I have two, a girl 17, and a boy 15. Daughter has zero tolerance for DH, and son is less tolerant everyday. The two kids did not like their Dad taking them anywhere, or picking him up. We don't let him drive now anyway. But the kids reason wasn't concern over driving, rather they had a really terrible time getting him to understand where they were, even though he'd been there a hundred times before. They do always ask for me when they call. And signing the things for school, etc. is always brought to me. DH does get mad, or hurt sometimes and I do feel bad.