My DH (59) was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment last July. One of the hardest things about his condition is talking about it. I hate to rock the boat by bringing it up; he becomes upset and depressed (naturally), and I am left feeling helpless.
I, like most of you, have experienced the sadness that came as our communications have broken down. Normal conversations are a thing of the past, and I catch myself holding in my thoughts, rather than sharing with my DH - knowing I will probably get an odd response or maybe no response at all. Each time that happens it is just another painful reminder that my DH is not who he used to be. So I hold back.
Last week, I stumbled onto a Rick Phelps’ website. He has EOAD and is posting videos, sharing his personal experiences with this dreaded disease. Although I know everyone is affected differently by this disease, it is very helpful to get first hand testimony from someone who is experiencing it.
One of his videos gave me a lot to think about. It never occurred to me that my husband might also be feeling the sadness caused by our crumbling communication. This video made me realize that I should not be shutting my DH out of my life, no matter how frustrating our communication has become. When I get no response, or an unexpected or unreasonable response, I need to shrug it off, or laugh it off, but I must not hold it against DH. I must not punish him by withdrawing from him, in order to spare myself the pain. His deteriorating communication skills are just the same as his memory problems - they are not his fault. I need to try to adjust, in a positive way, not in a negative way.
Here is the link for those interested. I think this is helpful, at least in the earlier stages: http://www.livingwithalzheimers2011.com/
The last few days have been 80% DH yelling, ranting, just really upset about practictly every thing. I had my feelings hurt a couple of days ago and teared up. I told him that it hurt my feelings when he yelled at me all the time. He said, "what do you want me to do, punch you or break up the house instead?" He told me that if he can't yell then he has no way to let out his feelings. I thought about it and told him that I would not allow his yelling to make me mad at him. I told him that he just needed to know that when he starts yelling that it is really bad and that he should at least know about it. Well he was quite and withdrawn for a few days and then started back in. Today at noon, he was cleaning up a mess from our old dog and was really yelling. He looked at me and said that I would probably start crying or something because he was yelling. I told him that I had promised not to get mad when he yells so I was not upset. I told him that I would probably be yelling too if I had to clean up a mess like that.
I really do get mad and have my feelings hurt still when he yells. I am just letting him think that it isn't bothering me. By doing this, I am not getting as upset and he does not have me as a cattliest (spelling?) for transferring his anger to me. He has been calming down quicker.
So, mary22033, I think that you are on to something here.
Mary-Rick is a wonderful person. He is/was a regular poster on the AA Forum and incurred the wrath of some for starting his own site. My feeling is that there is enough misery to go around and we all have the right to seek help from any place we can find.