This is such an unnerving situation for me when it happens. Many times, as you well know, you will tell your spouse something and probably tell them a time or two more, and they don't remember that you told them. With my DH, this happens some but not a lot. However, he wants to be included in more than I chose to include him in. Bills, tax prepreation, etc. This is where the problem lies. When I do include him, lets say for instance, that we got the power bill and it was $210, then it starts a big discussion about how he should turn the heat off and save money, or he should drain the hot tub, etc. If I don't tell him that we got the power will then he will think about it and ask if we got it. I will tell him that we did and he will wonder why I hid it from him. He is the one who gets the mail every day and sees these come in. He either doesn't pay attention or doesn't care at the time. but then a few days later, he will wonder why we don't get any bills at the house. Then he will blame me for moving them on-line which I did in the past. I changed them to paper because it caused such a problem with him.
This happened today with the taxes. For the last 7 years, I have been doing them on-line to save us almost $300 in preparation fees. We have a complicated return and, when we went to a preparer, I ended telling them how to do it. I checked out three different on-line companies and have used one ever since. Also, when we had a preparer do them, DH would go with me but he never got anything together for it. He would sit there and participate when he could, but just wanted to be included. I try to include him in many things just so he doesn't get angry about not being included. Last week, I told him that I had entered all of the information that I have available into the on-line program and that I was waiting for two items: the local state forms to be available and dividend information. On Thursday, I told him that the state forms were suppose to be ready on Friday, which they weren't. I also told him that I had gotten the dividend information and that I should be able to submit the returns early in the week (this week).
This morning, I submitted them and wrote down the amounts that we are getting in refunds. (We are planing on using the money on our mortgage balance. We talked about this all weekend and we were both excited. I told him that we should get the state and federal back in about two weeks.) So, I went home at lunch today and gave him a slip of paper with the amount written on it and told him that we should be getting the state next week and the federal in two weeks. He got really mad and told me that I had told him yesterday that it would be 2 months and 1 week before I could submit them. (This is when I get my bonus at work.) He remembered the information incorrectly. I tried to remind him about our conversation about the state tax forms, to help him put it all together. He just kept accusing me of lying to him and hiding things.
This is the most frusterating thing to deal with for me. Because I'm pretty sure that he has FTD, he still has his memory for the most part and still is highly functional. His problems center around not remembering some sort term stuff, and getting conversations twisted around. And then not being able to discuss things rationally.
At lunch, he brought up getting a divorce again and living together. He said that that way, when one of us gets mad that they can leave and not feel that they are obligated to stay. He also said that if we vere divorced that I would be nicer to him and treat him right. He doesn't think about him losing his insurance if we divorce and other things like that.
I would appreciate some advice from those of you who are dealing with FTD in the early stages on how you would handle something like this.
I am not dealing with FTD, but I can relate to him wanting to be included in decisons, then forgetting what we both decided,, then yelling at me if I didn't do this or that related to the decision. I got so frustrated that I started keeping a journal for him. I dated it, wrote down what we discussed, what the decision was, and how much money was involved. I had him read it and sign it. Later on, when he forgot everything and blamed me for not doing whatever I was supposed to do, I took out the notebook and showed it to him with his signature. Although he had NO memory of what was written, he accepted it.
As time went on, he realized he could not make or remember decisions, so he just leaves it all up to me now.
My dh also is always questioning me about money. It drives me crazy. We have to have several bank accounts because I have money that is not part of community property and he does too and we have trusts set up for his care. He doesn't understand this and he constantly wants me to explain. I have told him that I would write it all down and he could check it anytime he wanted to. Like joang said...I think I may do that and have him sign it. He makes me feel like I am hiding something which I am not. I don't understand why they are always thinking about money. I have always handled the money so that is nothing new.
You're lucky you were handling all the money. Part of my husband's problem was giving away money, and I didn't know it until quite some time later. This is now fixed and I handle all lthe money but he acts as though now I'm the one hiding things. We now know it was part of FTD and not being able to make the right decisions. He hasn't been driving for three years, but yesterday he told me he had a valid drivers license and could drive if he wanted to! Explanations again, over and over. And, when I explain why he can't drive, he gets angry. FTD is not fun and it's something that apparently has been hiding in the background for many years. And because he made most of the decisions in our marriage, it's difficult when suddenly it's all on you and they think you're lying to them.
Mary in Montana - My husband, when he gets angry, told me I should "move out of the house if I don't like it here." I know he doesn't mean it, but it hurts just the same, especially when you have to ignore it and just walk away, which is pretty much what I do.
Joan and others, It isn't just with money..it is with everything. They forget what we tell them. I have not been accused of hiding anything and I hope it doesn't happen but who knows.
This writing every conversation of importance reminds me of how often I have said I need a secretary. It is one more things to add to our already overloaded list of things to do and it never ends.
My husband is also dealing with FTD and his reasoning (or rather lack thereof) is so startling. His memory is not the problem for him either. He had an MRI of the neck last week and the technician told him not to cough or swallow, if possible, during the filming. In his mind, he thought he had been told to hold his breath...for over a half hour. (Adult son who lives with us suggested 3-4 minutes would have been sufficient......) We watched a sci fi movie over the weekend. It was one of those moon/comet destruction ones where the earth will be destroyed unless some extreme solution is found to stop something. After only 2 minutes, DH had decided the destruction scenario was impossible. I reminded him it was science fiction....
His doctor suggested he rinse with mouthwash at night to get rid of the taste of his evening meds. HIs interpretation-every time he wakes up in the night and notices the taste of med., he rinses with mouthwash. Every time he wakes up/gets up during the night! Swears that is what the doctor told him.
It's like the reasoning of a toddler. Makes no sense to me, but seems great to him. He can remember things, he just doesn't make the logical jump between points. I think that unlike Alzheimer's, where the problem is more likely to be in remembering a discussion about taxes or the facts of the discussion, the conclusions they come to are nonsensical to the average person. And it doesn't matter if you yell, scream, or explain it again, the reasoner is broken. Sometimes I find it easier to be vague. Rather than yes or no, I usually reply something like, "I'll check" (did the mail/bill come). "I'm not sure, I'll have to look it up later" (how much was that bill).
Usually my husband feels the cold and has always set the thermostat high. This winter----for some unknown reason-----he is setting it at about 60 degrees or lower in the daytime. I can't figure out why. But one day a neighbor was coming to visit so I moved the room thermostats to 72. Neighbor arrived and I started to feel chilly. Got up and checked and sure enough, he'd turned them back to below 60. I turned it back up and half an hour later realized he'd turned it back down again. It can be cool in here but if the sun comes out, hubby is shedding his shirt. I did mention to him once that the thermostat could be set to at least 68 but it had no effect. So I try to dress in layers.
At Christmas, before two family members arrived, I told DH that they like it WARMER and we'd better set the thermostats higher while they were here. Then I just quietly told them about the problem and asked them to feel free to put thermostats up if they felt chilly. It's weird to have this happening and to not be able to communicate with him in a way that he comprehends. He just figures I'm the one with the problem! He honestly doesn't realize that he is setting the thermostat low. He seems to believe that is the regular level we've always had it every winter.
Usually my hubby doesn't tune in much at all about our finances. I've set up bill payment online. But every now and then he can obsess about something related to money. Or it can be some other detail and in his mind, I need to take care of it right now. Immediately. Yes, the ability to reason is fading . . .