Several weeks ago, unbeknown to me, DH was on the phone making plans to go to SOCAL ( some 3 + hours drive) to meet up with his buddies..all avi8tors..In a round about way I found out about this. Nothing has been said until 2 days ago when I got a call from one of them telling me the 18th is good for them to all rendez vous at the restaurant of one of them...does that work for us.. In my mind I am screaming WHAT'S THIS US STUFF, FLYBOYS???
I told the caller that when DH is on the phone, he sounds totally sound in mind and body but if you talked to him often enough you would soon learn he says the same things all the time...." I feel great, I don't hurt anywhere" or " I am just great, the picture of health." I told him straight out " you guys just don't get it..he cannot drive, he gets turned around, his short term memory is like swiss cheese.
Well the dates do not work for us, the day before he has a docor appointment and the day after I have an appt with the elderlawyer..
I need to call them to let them know this but there is a huge part of me that is so angry with these pals..they are all able bodied and play golf and travel etc..DH cannot do that and even a 3+ hour drive with him as passenger takes a toll..not only is he tired I am nearly dead..I hate the traffic there as it is but with all the demands on me here, this is quite frankly something more I just don't need. And to call his brother just to come up her to take him down there is not fair either.
I am not good at hiding irritation...I thought I would just tell them to saddle up and come up to see him for a change. There is a nice motel just up the road from us with nice views of the ocean. They could carpool, come up on the Monday, go to lunch with him on Tuesday and leave for SOCAL after that.
Here is my rub with them...for years we have flown across country on leave to see one of the guys, we drove from Yuma ( more than 5 hours) often to see him, and drove from Central CA about 4 hours worth to see this BFF..When DH had hip surgery in 2000 and 2001 this chap came up for a couple days but that is it. I know of all the times he said he couldn't come up even over night because the dog was blind and it was hard for the dog to walk..all true BUT then I would hear about his going to Vegas for a weekend with another pal..someone watched the aging pooch!
To be honest I do not want the added task of driving, having to stay over night somewhere and drive back. When is too much too much? Two of the guys are good guys and while they have not driven up this way often neither have we gone down to see them that often..the one with the pooch always took DH's preference..they went to flight school together..( he grew up with the other two and they became Eagle Scouts together).
I do not want to keep him from seeing his pals, even Pooch, but I do not want to make the damn drive!
So, honest opinion..am I being a stick in the mud about this or do I have a case? you guys are always honest about things and give such great insight.
I'll check back when I get back from my ALZ mtg...didn't mean for this to be so long.. Sigh..
No, you are not being selfish, they are - is there a compromise that would work? Would they be able to care for him for the time? Maybe meet you 1/2 way? That way you could get some time to yourself.
There is a reason that they are now saying take care of the caregiver. That caregiver person in this case would be you. It does appear that they don't understand the disease and how could they as little as they see him? For a long time, my husband was able to hold it together for short social situations and people thought I was nuts when I said there was a problem. I wasn't and neither are you. If it is too much for you to handle or want to do, than it is okay to say no.
Mimi - no you are not wrong about how you feel. We have had 'friends' and as with family: you can come see us anytime but do not expect us to come see you. Sounds like you are in the same situation with these buddies, maybe not as extreme. I would let them know that the dates do not work nor does travel work for you. Let them know your hb would love to see them but at this point in the disease they will have to come to him because long trips are no longer an option.
It has been mentioned many times here that we need to also take care of ourselves. Putting your already exhausted self through a 3 hours trip is not taking care of you.
In answer to your question—no, no, no, and no. No, you are not being selfish. The trip you are describing sounds to me like a perfect example of why caregiver knees begin to buckle. At some point we have to start using "no" to preserve our own health and well-being.
At our house, I have to take care of absolutely everything. DH has not driven in over seven years. Most visits for medical, legal, or business appointments—sometimes several times a week--require a trip into a nearby large city. I recently decided that as of the first of January, except for dire emergencies, the car would not leave the driveway on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I need that down time to recuperate for the next week.
It sounds like you already have a full agenda that week. You ask "when is too much too much?". I think you know the answer to that. For me, it was when I would get a sick feeling in my stomach at the idea of one more trip in big-city traffic, or tears would come to my eyes at the thought of wrangling DH for one more trip to the doctor. If all the friends are mobile, let them come to you. They certainly are not going to be there for the next month, or two months, or year—and all the things you have to do. But you are still going to have to manage all those other things that need to be done.
i guess i am of the reverse feeling. if his friends are still willing to get togethr i would try to make that one more trip for DH sake. yes its irritating and difficult to pull off at the last minute. but those of us who are in late stages and have lost all contact or social life for DH see how important it was during the times they could still participate, what i would do is be sure to tell them that if there is any 'next time; then it would be of great benefit to be closer to your area so you and DH have more flexability. and explain that he doesnt do that well with travel in cars now.
i dont know but i guess i would make the sacrifice and take him for his sake. one last time. then its up to his buddies to make it happen again and easier on you both.
just my opinion and i know many will have the opposite take on it. divvi
I see nothing wrong with trying to change the location of the meetup to somewhere closer to you. People are just clueless to what we caregivers are going through--there must be some sort of compromise you can work out.
I agree with divvi, but I would have to know more about everyone else's condition. Is your husband in the worst off than anyone else? If so I would suggest that you make it known that you would appreciate it if it was closer to you.
I just read this entire dialog and I have to say I think it's simply wonderful that these men are still friends after all these years...and YES, I'd do everything in my power to keep these meeting dates. No, this particular date is NOT good because of conflicts, but perhaps they can schedule another weekend. So many of us have bemoaned the fact that old friends stop calling. How wonderful these do. And Mimi, don't be angry with these men because they do not have Alzheimer's and can still play golf. If I were you, I'd keep them in the loop with periodic updates on his health, accentuating the positive in their relationship with him, thanking them for being such good and loyal friends. Remind them that their friendship is the greatest gift your husband can ever receive. Everyone wants to feel needed and everyone wants to be appreciated. When they get the message, they'll schedule meetings closer to him. In the meantime, take him to the golf weekend, and find a nice little boutique in which to occupy your time.
I have observed that relationships between military men is stronger than that of blood brothers. Military families are also stronger than blood related families. Count your blessings.
I am not angry that they do not have ALZ and can still play golf and travel. My last raw Irish nerve is alight because ONE of them is so self centered that he cannot take time to come to see his BFF after all the years of travel we have made to see HIM. The others I have no issue with in that regard.
The idea of changing location is good...and I think that has given me an idea...the last FRI of every month there is a meeting in Goleta, which is only an hour and a half drive down the road..It is near Santa Barbara. This is a group of guys who flew in the different wars or just were military flyers. I think I'll call one of them, tell them the date, suggest they come to this event. It is always a nice lunch with a speaker or a movie after the meal. We are planning to go to that event as usual. These chaps might actually enjoy this too. It is about half way for them rather than me having to drive for hours..I have had PT for my right leg and hip and I am not too sure about driving for 3 hours..last trip I had to make in NOV was painful.
moorsb, The other lads of the 4 are in much better health..they play golf, travel and are not dependent on anyone taking them anywhere..My DH has cardiac issues, diabetes, has had a stroke, can't walk with ease, is very slow on the move. And this kind of thing is tiring for him. Taking him anywhere for an overnight is an ordeal. WE just did this in NOV and he couldn't grasp where we were some of the time, or where we were going etc.
Mimi...could you fly down and ask one of his friends to pick you up at the airport??? My dh and I like to go to Vegas it is about a 4 1/2 hr drive...but, now we fly because I am too tried by the time we get there and I hate the Vegas traffic.