here it is, I wasn`t missing all the things Bob used to do for me before he got sick, I was to busy taking care of him, making sure he got what he needed,just wasn`t time to think of myself, now I miss the back rubs, back scratches, can`t do it myself arms aren`t long enough,tried back scratcher, didn`t work, why can`t someone invent something to put itchy cream on your back by yourself,hummm, I miss the kisses and hugs the hey Gail lets go for a drive and do something, packing up and going wherever, I do things but it`s not the same, the main part of me is missing, I don`t cry much anymore he is not coming back! I miss being pampered by the most wonderful husband , the thing i hate the most is feeling this way can`t move ahead if i can`t forget the loss. I have no interest in meeting another man. the children do things with me ,basketball games,music programs, etc. family gatherings, but there is always an empty space. LOVE FROM YOUR CYBER FRIEND GAIL
I bought a lotion applicator at Bed, Bath, and Beyond that works for putting lotion on your back. Here's an address for one, although this isn't the one I bought.
It's good to hear from you, marygail, and know how you are. It sounds as if you had wonderful marriage with your Bob, and it will leave an empty space not to have him there with you. No one can fill that missing hole. How we miss those we've loved and who are no longer here with us. I fully expect to join them later.
marygail--I know it must be so lonely without your husband, but be thankful you have your children. My husband and I had none; I suppose I will have to get a dog for companionship "after".
Marygail*, you and I share something I find to be interesting. What we both are missing is the men our husbands were when they were healthy. I remember him well and his old self...not the silent, child like creature he was for several years before he died. That memory has to be consciously recalled. Recently, I commented about something Foster did not do, and I was reminded that, in fact, he HAD done that often in the past few years. I think it has finally sunk in. I truly did lose my husband several years before his body stopped functioning. So we go back and wonder, what was the last thing he actually KNEW - or FELT? I miss my loving husband, every day. Again, the person who died wasn't the same man.
marygail* It's been eight months that Bill left me. I've talked myself into acknowledging that he is gone forever. Whatever happens now is up to me. No-I don't like it-but it is what it is. Find a purpose for your life and go forward. I wish you well.
Gail, all I can say is that each of us goes forward one step at a time, at OUR OWN PACE. Each of our marriages were unique, each of us is unique and each of us will grieve in our own unique fashion. Don't beat yourself up over how you feel. It is what it is. After 10 months, I am still trying really hard to find some joy in each day. Some days are better than others. I am now doing a gratitude journal. I wrote a good-bye letter to Jim, that was cleansing. I see a therapist twice a month. I am working at keeping my lines of communication open with my close friends and my children. I have joined a bookclub and will have our first meeting in a couple weeks, I volunteered to be a snack lady for my grandsons school on Ski Days and may be taking a painting class. Baby steps my friend, baby steps. Arms around you tightly, Susan* "Trust the Process"
It will soon be a month since my Charlie left me. There are good days and BAD days. The smallest things set off the tears when I least expect them( a display of Charlie's favorite candy on sale in the drug store) but when I feel like I need to cry, I can't. My brother in law died yesterday (my first husband's brother) and it seems like I have shed more tears for him in 24 hours than I have for Charlie in nearly a month. Maybe my poor tired brain has them confused or maybe it is just too much loss too close together. Tomorrow will be batter.
Yes, tomorrow will be better E., and then the day after than, and maybe, just maybe, you'll pass that Candy Counter down at CVS (and that's the Devil's hangout you know!!!) and you'd feel that catch in your throat again... but it will pass.
I do understand, somewhere I mentioned I still get that feeling when I see Blue Bell Butter Pecan Ice cream... but it passes. And you will continue on. Charlie would expect nothing less.
marygail*, I never had the kisses and hugs in the entire 11 years of marriage. I just had sex. I was reduced to begging for affection. I met a man at JFK airport when I went to visit my son for Xmas. We hugged at parting. It felt good. He lives in a different state, but only a 2 hour train ride away. Today I received stargazer lilies from him. So beautiful and fragrant. So sweet and thoughtful.
His wife died of a brain tumor 3 years ago. He had been married for 32 years and is a year older than myself. He was on the way to Ireland with his 4 grown children and their spouses. We never know what is around the next corner. Right now I yearn for all the affection I never received. Some can be happy with their memories. I want to create new ones. We are still alive. Susan, I too started a gratitude journal. Good for the soul. My old journal was to keep records of the crazy moments with my now ex. I no longer have to reference it. When I was in a state of disbelief, I would go to that journal to remind myself of reality. I am hoping to create a new reality of joy, love, & contentment.
kitty its good to hear you finally got the divorce and can now move forward with your own life. we never k now whats around the corner in our destiny. i hope you can find a new person to care for/about you too. flowers are a good sign:) divvi
E. I am sorry to hear of this new loss..gosh oh gee..when it rains it pours..and no you haven not shed more tears than for your DH. You shed way more tears for your DH over a longer period of time... I am sorry your heart is hurt again and so soon.. Hugs to you..
Kitty, It is good to hear that you are moving forward with your life. As I remember you were so unhappy & really didn't know what was in-store for you next. Just take your time...as you said, if the time is right you will know. You deserve all the happiness you can find.
You all make me want to cry. When I think of the great support I received here when I didn't have a clue as to what was happening.... Bless you one & all.
My husband has been gone almost 3 months. I miss him but am actively moving forward with my life. The wedding rings came off. I find my world exploding with possibilities - I can now do things that I couldn't while taking care of him. I go out with friends and if they don't call, I call them and make arrangements to do something. My house is starting to look and feel clean again instead of the lick and promise it was getting. The dogs and cats are getting more attention and really enjoying it. I have moved forward with probate and gotten the last of his bills cleared up.
I am not dating yet, but as my world expands, it seems like something that is a possibility for my future. At this point, I am being careful to not turn down any invitations - never know where they may lead.
From a work perspective, I can now accept assignments that are challenging and take more concentration that I had while caring for him. That is a good thing to. I put my personal growth and career on hold to care for him, I am very glad that I can start growing and learning again.
Marygail, I too miss the hugs and kisses and mostly the "hey Faye lets go". For a year and a half we drove 16 miles to Wendy's, somtimes twice a day for a frosty, though we had ice cream at home. The staff would come over and talk to him and wave and call bye to him when we left, He would wave back and always watched his manners. It was very hard to go back to tell them of his passing. I don't think I'll ever be able to eat there again.
I don't have a * beside my name but I just came up here to the PC because I was watching Notting Hill and it came to one of the romantic scenes which I've seen before and this time the tears just came streaming down. I looked over at my DW but she was imitating that mummy they found in egypt sleeping and I thought I'd come up here. Earlier for one of the first times I said to myself "I wonder if..." and didn't turn it into 'I Wanda' from Fish Called Wanda, one of our favorite scenes. I'm glad we never had a favorite song and that our favorite restaurant has long closed.
I have a picture of her here and a painting I did of her hanging where I can see it. I was looking out the window day dreaming about some nice girl and some things we might have said that made us take notice of each other and I found that I have no development of thought into hot passionate or 'love' happening. Much more some kind of genuine connection. I think that's because it's what I'm missing. It's a real wrench to realize I'm 60 and picturing young girls isn't on. It's stunning to realize how much of my life I've used up. I have no real regrets except that one - how fast it's all going.
I think Susan's right. Baby steps. I think one of the most difficult parts may be reinventing ourselves where true spirit takes some hold in that. We are, until it does, actors. The baby steps may be individual things we like, we value, we need. From strong coffee, through chocolate or gyms, music or reading, whatever they are once we identify them we should focus on including them in our lives. Those are some baby steps.
Think back if you can to the feelings you had when you first left the home you grew up in armed with - well, nothing. Not a problem. I'm good. We'll sit on the floor. We'll eat macaroni and cheese.
Spirit. Energy. But, I think the big one is willingness. We are unwilling to take chances. In fact we're expert at talking ourselves out of them. Which is a good strategy when you feel you have more to lose than gain. Not so helpful when we are 'looking' for a new life.
I wish us all well. Nice words but maybe not as helpful as an idea like this. One lady in her 80's after taking care of her husband with AD, walked across the united states. Stop and take that in. She met tons of people and afterwards wrote a book about it. Everybody isn't mother teresa; but, as Susan said we can take baby steps. If we go to a mirror we will see the only person that can help us. I'm not good with mirrors. What works for me is to sit still until the truth that I want my life comes to the fore and the thoughts inside are of a kindess and friendship for myself in helping me sort out what that means. Thoughts or a voice that are truly in my court. Thoughts that genuinely care about myself. Like sorting out what I really do like and don't about my life and the things in it. Like realizing it's ok to be me. Everyone else is doing it.
Money isn't going to buy our love. Genuine love of things in life is earned. And the best way to learn about that is to have a really good friend by your 'side'. Yourself. We can't undo. But we can do. Look, everybody with a * has real moxy. Does anybody seriously question that? Does anyone really appreciate the truth of that in themselves? A few. Not many. If you have a * beside your name then you can do tough things. Look it up in your memories. Now how about using some of that to take one of those baby steps? Good luck everyone. Apologies for the long post.
Good posts here, Therrja, so glad you are moving on with courage and fresh spirits. Good for you.
This week the weather was dreary and it was getting me down, so on a day care day I went out all my myself to a movie and treated myself to a Tom and Jerry's. Told a friend and she said, Next week I'll go with you -- so there's a plan. I have to go quite early in the day to be home in time for the day care van, so not many movies to choose from.
Had to give up my early morning swim on Wed because dh sometimes wakes up early, and I decided I could no longer leave him alone in the house. But found another open swimming hour in the middle of the day. Not as good, but still got two friends to join me. I'm thinking about things to do after dh is placed. There's a women's club here in town that I think I will join. Daydreaming. Baby steps.
I've been missing my husband for 7 years. It's 1:00am and he is sound asleep upstairs. How can you miss someone so much when they are in the same house? I HATE this disease!!
There have been several posts lately on finances, insurance etc., and I thought I'd add a sub-category: "Trust Companies acting as Executor", in case it applies to anyone. DH had appointed one such company. But the Trust Company would not release money to me to pay the bills that were coming in. They said I had to submit the bills to the Trust Company, and they would pay them. They have moved so slowly on everything else, I didn't like the idea. Visa, for example, has an almost 20% interest rate for late payment. Besides, I would have to mail all bills to them as they trickled in - I could see headaches for me, lost and misplaced bills with the two cooks, and then I would have to "double-do." Since I am still Co-committee ( guardian), was P.O.A. before that, and have been paying all bills for the last 4 years with a yearly accounting to the Public Guardian Trustee, I wanted to keep it simple and continue to pay the bills myself with money released by the Trust Company. Nix, they said. I knew that THE TRUST COMPANY GETS BIG BUCKS FOR BEING EXECUTOR. So I phoned up the Trust Company Estate Planning division, asked the receptionist for the name of the Senior Vice President of the Western Region, and 10 mins. later, he phoned me and said he would set it up for me. I got very tired of being pushed around when DH was alive, and I don't want anymore of it than I have to.