Joan, your blog today struck such a cord with me. That is one question I have asked my therapist, husbands neurologist, social worker, etc. How are we supposed to maintain our sanity, remain patient with our spouses, and let all the hurt just roll away. To me it isn't humanly possible. I am a human too, I get frustrated, angry, scared and hurt. When my husband starts a rant, I try to just walk away before I can feed into his rant. Not easy. When he starts being mean and I get upset, he always insists he was just 'teasing'. Teasing is abuse. My husband's neuro put him on Trazodone. He just started about 2 wks ago and I do believe the temper tantrums and rants are decreasing. Just hope he continues to take it. He has stopped taking his Aricept, told the doc it made his thinking fuzzy. Yeah right that's what's causing the fuzziness. I agree about the life sentence, with no chance of parole, and we didn't even get our day in court! Thanks so much for allowing us to share our pain.
Dh says and does the same mean things daily, every time he gets frustrated or I suggest something. Today the boat was being delivered out of storage. He wanted to get dressed in his best casual. Shirt and slacks that needed ironing. Of course I was stupid and "meant nothing" when I managed to convince him that jeans and Tshirt were appropriate. Friends helped bringing the boat across the lake but then another issue when it was time to tie up. The strange thing is that he never remembers the confrontation, the name calling or insults, but uses the same vocabulary every time. We're a little more advanced than you so there is no point trying to discuss or reason.I hope and pray that your DH does not advance to physical anger. I am really not able to cope with that and am going to give up. We have a few more medical tests to be done and then I'll turn him over to his daughter.Each bout of anger and verbal abuse chips away at the love we have shared . Eventually, there is nothing left.
I am so tired of the "I'm sorry." When I explain to my H (no D on that now), he recognizes he has done something hurtful. For Valentine's Day this year, he told me he was taking me out to dinner, as always. I showered, did my hair & makeup, got dressed up. I came into his office & told him I was ready. No, he wasn't going, "what's in it for me?" I was so shocked I couldn't speak & then so angry I didn't speak for a couple of days. When I expained how that made me feel, he told me he was sorry, it wouldn't happen again. It's always, I'm sorry, it won't happen again. I don't even know if he remembers doing what he says he is sorry for, but he knows I'm upset, so says it.
When the time comes, I'll turn him over to his brother.
Thank you ASY and Anna for validating my feelings. Mostly I am told - He is the sick one, and you just have to take all the pain and walk away. Yes, ASY, I am human - I can't take ALL of the pain and walk away. Also, I wonder - is the advice the same if the verbal becomes physical? That has NOT happened here, but if it does, are we supposed to allow ourselves to be beaten to a pulp because "they're the sick ones." And keep coming back for more?
I think it all comes back to the "emotional divorce." If you have not read that article and Blog, go to "previous blogs" and click on #87. Basically the article states that in order to be good caregivers, we need to achieve an emotional divorce - realize the marital relationship is over, and stop trying to hang onto it. Then you can be a caregiver.
One of the defining moments for putting my husband into a facility was the last Easter he was home. We had plans to go to my cousins for Easter dinner like we usually do. He helped me pick out tulips to take to her. We talked about who was going to be there and how much he always enjoyed seeing them.I got him showered the night before so all he needed to do was put on some clean clothes which I had no problem getting him into that morning. He lay down while I was getting ready. I got everything in the car ready to go and he was laying on the couch. At that point he decided that he did not want to go and he wouldn't go. He was at a stage where I could not leave him home alone and go myself as my cousin lives over an hour away. I was crushed. What really hit home was that he had no clue how much that hurt and didn't even care that it did hurt, there was no connection. Its ironic that with all the verbal abuse and physical threats that something as simple as not being able to spend a day with my family is one of the memories that really sticks out.
Now, he is in stage 7, still able to talk but not making much sense. A visit doesn't go by where he doesn't tell me he loves me.
I often wondered if part of the reason he was so angry towards/with me was that I was a safe one to vent those feelings on. It doesn't matter the why as he was unable to tell me and I still got to deal with all my feelings when he raged at me.
Joan, No one, male or female, should allow themselves to be beaten to a pulp. The emotional abuse is one thing. I guess you can play mental games with yourself to survive. You know the statements coming out of their mouths are due to the disease. But to put yourself in harm's way is another. I would go to a shelter before allowing myself to be abused physically. Or have the spouse removed from the house. I guess this comes from my training & education in social work. I feel very strongly about this. That is not acceptable. You may love a spouse, but in no way should anyone suffer physical abuse. Period. At that point, if endured, the "healthy spouse" becomes unhealthy. Val
p.s. I owe you a great debt of gratitude for this site. It has been a relief for my soul.
I think the point that Joan was making was that, of course it is unacceptable to allow oneself to be beaten to a pulp physically, so why then are we supposed to remember it is 'the disease talking' when we are beaten to a pulp emotionally? I know for me, the time for placement outside the home will be at the first indication that any kind of emotional abuse is being directed to my kiddos.
Therrja, I had a similar event at both Easter last year and this past Thanksgiving. On Easter, we had 18 people expected for a huge Easter lunch...all prepared by me. An hour before lunch, DH informed me he couldn't be there because of there being too much studying to do. Same thing happned at Thanksgiving except the reason was that he had been to a T-giving dinner the night before, and he was mad at me and didn't want to be around me. Again, informed me of this minutes before i was to take the pies and other goodies to the place at which we were having a community dinner. I was SOOOOOOO upset both times.
He is almost always up before me. So in the morning I get up and say Good Morning. It used to be that if I was much later than him he would answer Good Afternoon in a snide voice. I realized this morning that he is always answering Good Afternoon. He no longer realizes that saying that is being mean spirited.
By the way, I really don't think that getting up at 6:30 is all that late. There isn't any place I need to be. <grin>
This thread reminds me of the reason i put my DH on zyprexa. i told the neuro i was seeing aggression and he pulled a fist on me when i had to bathe or clean him up. i was actually scared to have to deal with him ther for that period. so dr did rx this med and it zonked him out and he slept alot during that time. i didnt care, i knew it would be the same in a NH they would zonk him out there anyway for being admitted due to agressive behaviour so i decided to do it at home and monitor whether he needed it everyday or not. the min dose every other day during those months was enough. i think looking back i did the right thing. i wasnt about to be KO'd at an unsuspecting moment. ladies, its not an option to be physically abused. i did overcome the verbal abuse,and learned to let it slide after the 'sting' and hurt wore off. maybe the way this disease progresses lessens the blow of what lays ahead-, once the verbal onslaught kills your emotional relationship it helps to minimize the heartaches of the physical losses that follow. take care ladies and do whats necessary to protect yourself thru the transition stages. divvi
I know I'm really lucky in that my husband has always been a really laid back guy and this disease hasn't really brought about any signficant agression...yet. I know that it can come to that with anyone. The only time I've seen him angry has been when he's become really frustrated over something I'm trying to make him do (like move to another room, stay in bed a few minutes while I walk the dogs, etc.). At those times, I did see a side of him that I hadn't seen. And for me, if it ever comes to physical abuse whatever the reason, that's when he goes somewhere else. Even if it is the disease, I don't take that ever!
The thing that I can't get past is the incredible inability to do or understand anything. He can't lift a foot, raise an arm, turn around with any kind of verbal direction. If I tell him to stay off the floor because it's wet, he walks on it 2 seconds later. He spends his time opening drawers, moving papers, dropping tissues, looking for his ever disappearing wallet, etc. I can find no part of the man I married. I feel that I've become tied to a stranger who doesn't even know who I am some of the time. I wonder why I'm doing this for someone who doesn't even remember that we're married. He told me last night that I was a lovely woman! It's just so sad.
Reading all these posts is like going back in time. I remember the horrible words and insults that my husband used to rain down on me. This was certainly so out of character for him....it was exactly like living with a stranger. When the aggression became too much and every action on my part brought an out of the ordinary reaction (swinging fists, pushing, shoving) from him, I knew we were at the place where I could no longer handle him. He lived in an AD facility for almost three years until he lost all his abilities and could no longer walk. He was very easy to care for then. I was then able to keep him home until he died three months ago.
All of your descriptions and words could have come from me. I am so sorry you all are having to deal with this.....
Thank God we can talk to one another. There literally is no other place where we can find out that the things that drive us crazy are actually common to the disease.
Yes, it was a great day when I found this website. It surely helps to be able to vent and listen and sympathize. Thank you, Joan, for having the intiative and taking the time each day to be a sounding board and to offer a place for all of us to try and remain sane---it really makes a difference!
One of the things that I learned from watching my husband and others in the facilities that he has been in is that many of his actions are normal for the disease. Reading about similar things that he did before I placed him has finally started to heal some of the hurts that were buried away inside. He had some terrific doctors and assistants but they were the doctors and they weren't living with the disease. One additional thing that also helped was that our primary care physician's mother has the disease, so I have always felt that he did have a good understanding of the disease.
I look at this disease as a 3 parter. The first part is when the person with the disease starts having problems and is somewhat alone in the disease. The second is when the person and caregivers are affected. The last is when the person is no longer able to participate and it is fully with the caregiver who is now alone with the person with the disease. It is a very long journey that only has one conclusion.
So here we are tired, abused, tired, depressed, tired, angry.....oh did I say exhausted?
Reply to divvi who said: "take care ladies and do whats necessary to protect yourself thru the transition stages. divvi". Remember some of us are men taking care of our wives. We are going through many of the same things you "ladies" are experiencing.
This is my first post, and this topic is timely for me. My husband is 62, needed to retire 7 years ago when he could no longer do his job. My question for everyone is how do you re-energize yourselves? I thought I had been handling everything fairly well, but after a pretty major event in January, I can not seem to get back on track. I feel like a car that has run out of gas, but when it's taken in to refuel, you can only get an 1/8 tank or so in...can't be filled up. In March, my husband started adult day health...this should have been an absolute god-send and yet, it hasn't renewed my energy like I thought it would. Does anyone else feel like they have just run out of energy to handle everything and if you got past that, how?
Marsh-have you read Coach Boyle's Play book. It's mainly for men taking care of their spouses. With dementia men have to learn the home ec stuff and women have to learn the shop/auto stuff. You can request the book from:www.alzheimersplaybook.com
I'm still in the middle of a "pretty major event" and am struggling to get even the simplest things done ... and instead, I procrastinate any way I can find (such as visiting here all the time!)
I would suggest that you have a thorough physical, to make sure that all the stress hasn't caused a medical problem of some sort. (I had one about three months ago, and if my doctor is to be trusted -- possibly not -- I'm doing peachy keen on the physical front, aside from slightly elevated cholesterol.)
You may also want to consider being evaluated for depression. See the pillpopping thread ... some of us resist the idea of taking anti-depressants until somebody sits on top of us and forces them down our throats. Others have the good sense to accept the help they can offer gracefully and gratefully. (Nobody has sat on me yet ... I'm hoping I can get over this hump with discipline and getting back out there to exercise.)
Which brings me to another suggestion: lots and lots of exercise, lots of fresh air, worked into your schedule whenever and however you can. That was THE thing that got me through my first husband's death. Walk in a park, in a mall, around the neighborhood, in a zoo. Take up kite flying, bird watching, rock hunting, photography of local wildlife and flowers. Take lessons if you don't know how to do something but think it is something you'd keep doing. Sign up for exercise classes at a local gym or club; do weights, do aerobics, swim. Join a group if you find you need something to get you to the club; do individual exercises if you can't stand being around other people. Exercise can soothe your soul while renewing your energy.
Welcome to my website. There is much support and information here to help you. Go to the home page of this website - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and click on "previous blogs", which is on the left side. Scroll down to #24, which talks about stress and how to deal with it.
Just so happens that today's Blog, which is also on the home page, talks about anti-depressants. You may be depressed and need a little help - ask your doctor about an anti-depressant.
As this topic under which you posted discusses, we have to endure SO MUCH pain, stress, and anxiety, I honestly don't know how we do it.
Marsh, we are glad to have you and the other gentlemen with us! We admire you so much for all you are doing for your wives, and the good advice you have passed on to us!!
Marge, welcome! As for as energy is concerned, I have found that I have to eat right. Some days I pig out and feel like I have no energy the next day. When I get veggies and salads, I have more engergy the next day. I love to spoil myself by pigging out every few days, using the excuse that it brings me pleasure and I take what small pleasures I can get. :) I still work, so I get to take my mind off of my troubles for about half the day. I get a pedicure and my nails done every two weeks. That is how I spoil myself. And I lose myself in a good book for an hour or so a day while my DH watches one of his favorite movies (I can tune it out).
For me, some days are better than others, some months are better than others, and this year really stinks!
Hey, Marge - Welcome to our 'CLUB'. Here's a few things I do - try to get a massage once a month, though that gets harder when I can't leave my DH. I bought a pumice stone some foot scrub and cream to give myself a foot rub. I can't believe how good that feels - better yet if you can go somewhere and have that done. I have a keyboard and enjoy playing that some, have a sewing machine so I can be creative now that I am mostly spending time home, but definitely not alone! But, I don't expect to accomplish much these days and just cut back on expectations. Then there is the cup of tea, though even with all of this I still have to fight being depressed and wonder if I will mention that next time I go for my annual?
Marsh, i wasnt excluding any of you guys of course, i was only addressing the previous posts prior to mine who were female and about their dealings with husbands. I am sure you guys are dealing with alot of these same issues, and probably more than we even guess. sorry! divvi
Marge, you really do need to refill that gas tank. I second the idea that you go to the doctor and get a physical. Once that is done ask about seeing a counselor, someone who understands this disease and what it does to caregivers. Tell your doctor that you are running on empty.
Once you have that out of the way, think back to the things that used to interest you. It is possible that your window of opportunity has closed. That happened to me when I put things aside for when I retired. But think about taking a class or joining a group doing whatever that interest was while you know your husband is safe in day care. Find a friend or small group of friends and plan on going out to lunch while you know your husband is safe. I second the idea of a massage or some other small body luxury. And then there is sleep. Are you sleeping enough?
It is pretty easy to see from the outside what needs to be done. Doing it from the inside is a lot harder.
Marge, welcome and what you're experiencing is oh so familiar. I second the opinions of getting a physical. Sometimes I feel I am so overwhelmed I have no time for me. Exercise is my savior, that is my time alone with my dog running in the fresh air. Also don't overlook the relief pills can give, I take Xanax and couldn't do without it. Also good friends, therapist, and support groups. Special just me time. Give yourself permission to feel sad and cry; be angry and yell where no one but you can hear; be silly and do something that makes you laugh. All these things will help you fill your tank. If not than you are doing too much. I remember my therapist told me, "don't let your well of caregiving run dry, you must keep refreshing and refilling your well". Good luck, you have found a wonderful website that helps us all navigate this dicey trip none of ask for.
thanks to everyone for the welcome. I do have a physical scheduled for next month...been a while,but at least it is now on the agenda! I just was thrown for a loop at a recent appointment for my husband; had been waiting months to get in to specialists for him, and the focus somehow switched to me! His regular doctor has never even asked how I'm coping in all these years, so I wasn't expecting it. It ended up being a 3 hour appointment! The upside is that I will have a medical support system finally, and it has forced me to realize I truly have been running on empty since our January crisis. Just knowing that I now have someplace I can call if necessary, that actually can help is an enormous relief. Now I need to see to me!
I have been fascinated reading through the message boards...especially the lagging behind being common! I thought it was just me looking over my shoulder everywhere we go.