My husband has really been bugging me about his getting a car and I don’t know how to handle it. He has not been driving for over 2 years when he willingly agreed the liability was too great. Now he has forgotten he has a memory problem and that he no longer has a driver’s license (denied Sept 2009 upon renewal when we listed his Mild Cognitive Impairment).
I’ve already used a few white lies but he keeps asking. Do I remind him he has a memory issue and that the doctor does not want him driving? He has had a happy demeanor and I’m afraid to rock the boat. I feel that bringing that up is like putting a thorn in his side. Sharing what worked for you would be much appreciated. (I dread going home this evening because he’ll start his sighing and pouting again.)
Joan, I tried to find a curernt topic I could tag this item to but they didn't quite fit. Joan feel free to move if you see the need.
well you could try the financial aspect of spending if hes frugal. say you cant afford more insurance right now or upkeep on more cars. or that with all the added expenses maybe your credit isnt up to par to finance one right now but 'later' maybe it would be possible? i dont think i'd stir the boat about his not being able to drive at this point if its a sore point. use some other means to deny the purchase. or if all else i would say maybe we can think about looking in local newspapers to see if theres bargains. and hope he forgets after he 'finds' one:) then start over again saying ok but postponing. i kept postponing 'repairs' to DH vehicle when it had no battery..he always seemed ok with that til next time. its a touchy subject anything to do with cars/driving! good luck! you know him best be creative with something he will believe, even a few while lies just to appease him til next time. he may be obsessing over this particular subject like some spouses here tend to do. maybe talk to dr about meds if it gets too hard to handle. divvi
The government has come out with new fuel efficiency standards that are going into effect in 2013. All the cars are going to have to use new hybrid technology and such to meet the new standards. I read that right now is a really bad time to buy a car, since it will be obselete within a few years. It would be much better to wait for the 2013 models.
My DHdid this plus need to get his license back, after it expired the Fall right after his Dx. Let him attempt the process of getting his license back, but he couldn't pass the testing--NOT MY FAULT. Can't be mad at me. As to car, I never brought the subject up, but when he did I'd point up the financial issue--can't afford it. And followup with comments on the cost of gasoline, insurance etc. Plus, neither one of us can drive.
I tried everything without success and finally took him to his FP who walked him step by step: "Because of your diagnosis, you will have to take a number of tests so that you can drive. If you fail, and I think you will and you insist on driving, your insurance will not cover you. You could wipe out your entire savings and lose your house." The final statement is what got through to my husband. If you FP knows your husband well, he'll know how to handle him (we hope!).
Thank you all for the great suggestions. I'm going to them handy. I was using "until our son graduates from college" but now that's only about a year away. Time to move on to another white lie. Again, I appreciate the input from all of you.
Another thought - take him new car shopping. That will keep him busy and of course he can't test drive the car without a license. But the cost incl insurance would give him something to concentrate on. Might be more fun just looking. If he can walk around, find out when/where a car show is being held and plan to attend.
In Jan 2009, PJ passed the test for 10 mile, daytime only limited driving. Got his certificate good for 1 year. Then we had major bumps in the road and the family decision was no more driving. Nats, I got to enforce this. Was I relieved when the year was over and think he realizes he can't pass the test now. However, he still enjoys reading about the new cars and it gives him something that he seems to remember the next day on.
I used the financial issue as a way to get my husband to agree to sell one car. I pulled a real drama queen act--carrying on that we couldn't afford two cars, that this wasn't how I expected to live in retirement, etc. It worked and he had no problem with downsizing to one car. Later on he kept saying he was going to buy a convertible, but never acted on it. So I see it as a choice: you can either use the financial excuse; or, keep agreeing with him and discussing what type of car to buy as a stalling tactic. Usually, AD patients lack the ability to plan and carry out tasks, so he would be incapable of actually accomplishing anything re this on his own. But in the spirit of "going where he is" I would never point out that his dx is the real issue--he probably won't accept that without a struggle.
My DH will, on the spur of the moment, say he wants to get his license. The testing place is in the Mall so he usually stops in there and checks out the times for testing. I tell him that it takes several weeks to get an appointment and that he needs to study the book so he can pass the test. He has yet to get past the first introductory page before he puts it aside and stops asking......until the next time. We sold both cars and got an intermediate size SUV to replace them. He seemed OK to just go to the dealer with me and help choose but was embarrassed that he couldn't drive it, let alone sign the papers (can't be in his name with no license).
DH never mentioned the car last evening or this morning and was in his usual good mood. I know the car issue is not over but now I have some great approaches when it does surface again.
Texasgirl----First, keep using the "wait till son graduates" as long as you can. The BEST advice I get (almost daily) from my paid caregivers is that because this disease is progressive, no behavior stays the same for long. As you know, taking the keys away from Tommy was probably the worst stage of the disease for me so far, but it now seems like a distant memory (and certainly is for him!) Second, I like the ideas above of getting youe DH engaged in "shopping" maybe online or via brochures. That may in fact overwhelm him, and the issue may slowly go away, but he's happy "window shopping" in the meantime. Third, obviously time for you and I to meet for margaritas....seriously! Call or email me when you have time.