Continuing the subject I touched upon in my New Year's Blog, today's deals with my attempt to deal with the repetitive questions and the stress they are causing me. I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read the blog. Please post comments here.
Well. I will admit i am very stressed, also havent been feeling well, sore throat and body aches, then Ive had plumbing problems, therefore i am on a very short fuse. I can usually take it in stride.
I really don't mind the questions but what I do mind is when DH thinks that I haven't shared something with him. When the truth is that I probably shared it a couple of times and he just can't remember. If he gets mad a me for keeping things from him, that's when I get stressed.
I have gotten better ... but haven't gotten past it to where it just 'runs off my back' without irritating. I accept it, I know it is what it is ... but I still let 'Groundhog Day' questioning get to me from time to time! Feel better, Joan! Allan
Whenever I think I am past it I am not! I don't even know if I will ever get past it. I am very stressed most of the time. About the time I think I am doing alright something else happens, my DH shows deterioration of one kind or another every 4 to 6 months. That isn't enough time for me to adjust. I must be a slow learner or something. Anyway, the questions that he keeps asking, I know that I should answer them as though he hasn't asked before and most of the time I can do that but...I have found out that it is harder to do if I have not done something good for myself in a long time, so for me the secret is recognizing what my needs are and fulfilling them on a regular basis. If I don't do that then my stress and irritation level goes up up up! Sometimes they go up up up anyway.
I have a question, now this is the 1st time. Why do you continue to answer? If it gets on your nerves so much, why not just let there be silence? And leave his/her space? Why engage in something that drives you mad? Why not make up a new answer for your own entertainment. When did so and so come by? Oh, that was in 1950 during a nuclear attack. What are we having for breakfast? Oh, a stuffed pig. Well, you get my point. I might add that I am currently reading a book, title forgotten, (haha!) book at work, a Pulitzer Prize contender, and the author in the very comical semi-autobiography is always making up outrageous lies. I am thinking, wouldn't a game be better than self torture? Do we have to be masochists?
Kitty, for us right now, if I would answer like that, my DH would know I was being sarcastic & that would make him mad. It gets so frustrating & I don't always answer with patience.
Kitty--During the repetitve questioning phase, I did exactly what you said. I wouldn't make up something outrageous, but I would play a mind game with myself to see how many different ways I could rephrase the same answer. It actually did take the edge off for me because it sort of distracted me from the irritation.
ElaineH, I'm with you. Sid is aware enough that he would know and get very angry if I gave a bogus answer. At his current level of fundtioning, it would be disrespectful to answer him in that manner. When he gets to the point that he doesn't know the difference, I'm sure I'll make up answers to amuse myself. However, Marilyn's idea of figuring out ways to rephrase the same answer is a "mind game" that appeals to me.
Wow, Jerry that is so sad. One day I will be missing the constant same questions from my dh that drive me crazy today. Sometimes I just want to scream if I hear that one more time. Most of the time it helps me to remember that he doesn't probably remember that he just asked that question. And, when I answer him with a "sure, honey, do this" he really doesn't want to do it anyway and gets testy about it. I'm sure this whole experience is about the Lord teaching me to be patient and selfless and more giving of myself. Most of the time all I want is to be left alone - not an option for me anymore or any of you either, I imagine. I really do need to get away alone.
Believe me I know how stressful those repetitive questions are. But, please know you will miss those days, my husband jabbers sometimes, but is mostly silent. What I wouldn't give for a repetitive question day.
When they are asking repetitive questions, they are still functional enough to know they are asking them and need an answer. See the post above that I wrote to Elaine H. We cannot ignore them and not answer. It would be the same as if I asked someone a question and they ignored me. Disrespectful and mean. It's one thing if they didn't know the difference, but they certainly do know it at this level of functioning. They are asking the question because they have no idea they asked it before, and they want and need an answer. It drives us crazy, but we have to find a way to answer and not let it drive US nuts.
Most often my husband's questions revolve around "What are we doing today?" Yes, I already told him 5 times, but he doesn't remember he asked, and he wants to know what we are doing, so I have to tell him. No matter how much it annoys me, I would not ignore him and not answer.
Joan--try it! You, like me, are a "word person", we like to write and use words to express creativity. Challenge yourself to see if you can remain calm, give Sid the answer a different way each time, and count the times you do it. See if you can beat your own record! We have to realize that in the scope of the whole disease, this need not be a major problem. Try to avoid the thoughts of his old ADD issues and just focus on your "game".
P. S. I think my record was about 8. It has been some time since the repetition stopped, and I agree with others who posted that it is sadder to deal with the lack of words.
I get some repetitive questions, but more frustrating is the charades I play.. This morning conversation went as follows: Her:I'm hungry...Can I have the stuff I used to eat. Me: OK...eggs? Her: No...the blue things. Me: Oatmeal squares?? Her: No, the things that are soft. Me:???????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Me: You mean puffed rice??? Her: yes but with red things sprinkled on it Me: Strawberries?? Her: No Me: Blueberries????? Her no. The wrinkles Me:???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Her: They're red Me:???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? me:???????????????????????sugar? Stevia??????? Her: you know what they are Me:???????????????????????????????Hmmmm raspberries????? Her: No....the kids like them Me:?????????????????????????????????????Raisins??????? Her: YES YES YES Me......we don't have anymore Her: Forget it, I am not eating. Me: I will go to the store and get some Her: NO...I won't eat...(and as she finishes the bowl of puffed rice, she tells me that they were good........ Me.........?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Must be Tuesday, since Wed,Thurs, Friday have appeared.......
Ok, maybe this is cruel but sometimes it is I who asks the repetitive questions! (it sure relieves my stress) I kinda know what she is going to ask so I will ask it first. Sometimes several times. She is never annoyed, she commonly answers differently each time.
We have 7 indoor cats. She can be obsessive believing that perhaps one of them got outside. (like they would ever WANT to escape) I commonly send her on a hunt to either count all her cats or find a paticular one. (knowing that she has never actually found all 7 because she forgets what she was doing before locating each one)
The funnist thing is to ask her to find the cat that is sitting on my lap. She is in the other room and I will ask her where the orange cat is. She becomes panicky and begins beleiving she has not seen it in days, so I suggest she walk around the house to try to find it. Eventually she makes it into the room where I am and "surprise" there is the cat right next to me. Upon seeing the lost cat, she says "Oh there he is!" and then I act surpised to have found him too.
She is always so happy and pleased to have found it and she has NEVER acused me of pulling her leg or sending her on a goose chase. If fact she is generally pleased that she accomplished something meaningful. She then pets and rubs the found cat (satisified that it is safe) and toddles off to do something else. Hey, gives her something to do . . . . Jim
m-mman I have sometimes disagreed with you-but you sure got me with this post. I think it is priceless. So good to give our LOs a task they can perform and be proud of themselves.
one time when my mom was suffering this disease and she was visiting, she wanted to do something useful..I had her polish door knobs and when she was finished she was so proud of how they all looked now.
I could NEVER pull a trick like that on my DH. Really! Isn't it easier to simply answer the question, even if it's asked over and over? Sure, it's nerve-wracking, but just breathe in deeply and answer it. He doesn't realize he's asked the question before. It just isn't their fault. They can't help it! Why upset them more?
Patience in answering repeated questions depend on how bad my chronic aches and pains are. I try to be upbeat and not let his questions bother me but I don't always succeed.
My husband also has Attention Deficit Disorder and I agree with you--one of the reasons I am so frustrated is that it is the things that alway drove me crazy that have gotten worse. I finally made my therapist stop asking me if he had always been this way when I would complain about something. The answer was usually yes, but this is different.
I can handle most repetitive questions or statements except for one. He is fixated on his cigarettes and he gets one every 2 hours. As soon as he finishes one he starts asking for the next cigarette and when I tell him the time of the next one, he will agree and then 2 minutes later we are going through it again. ALL DAY LONG! I have lost it a couple of times, I have ignored the question--this just makes him ask more, I have changed my answers but nothing stops the constant repetition of asking. On top of this, he has had a cough for 4 weeks. We (doctor and I) haven't found anything to calm it. It's not in his chest--all nasal. So I know the cigarettes don't help but what can I do....ARRRGHHHH
We don't have the questions much anymore. Now we have my dh not being able to make most of his words come out right. If he has something in one of his hands, he holds onto it forever and can't say anything that does not include what he is holding. If he sees something and you ask him something, that is what he says for the answer. No knowledge of what most things are if asked to put something away. I also give him chores he can do and be proud of when finished. He seems to be proud when told he is handsome. Prances around like a proud young man that won his conquest. It is so very hard to communicate with him because he can't respond with the correct words. He looks to me for the answers because he know I usually figure them out. Where did the repetitious questions go? I miss them. We should be careful what bothers us thru this ordeal because when gone, you realize so is another part of the person you love....... just a thought....
My husband is also losing his language abilities. He cannot always find the correct word for something. For instance, he likes the ice cream cones from McDonald's so we will stop there a couple of times a week. When he wants one, he will ask for a cigarette but mime eating an ice cream cone.