DH and his wife separated in the early 70's and divorced in the early 80's. She hasn't left him alone since. I banned her visits to both Care Facilities, but this new one let her in recently. They say they do their best but cannot be held responsible. They have photos on file. Question: just how much can the Care Facility be held responsible? The lawyer tells me to notify the facility again that ex-wife is not allowed to visit, but is it just talk with no teeth? Canadian law may not cover this, but I remember when I worked as a nurse both in Canada and the U.S. that we occasionally had similar situations, and everyone was alerted and no entry was gained, the object being to protect the patient from harm. Right now I have instructed the Care Aides I've hired around the clock (DH falls when unattended) to tell ex. is not allowed her to visit, and to put on the call light and intercom and ask staff to come to the room. The staff on the nursing unit has been told of the situation and has been asked to call Security if necessary. Ex-wife sent a card to DH two days ago saying, YOU WILL SEE US ALL (LIKE IT OR NOT)! OVER THE HOLIDAYS & BEYOND." Back to the question: how much can the Care Facility be held responsible?
mary75, so sorry you are continuing to have headaches with this same issue. how disconcerting it would be to anyone of us who are remarried. i dont kow what Canadian law entails with respect to patients civil rights and laws but here in the states there are pretty stiff penalties for institutions that arent protecting the laws and or rights of their patients. i would think the nursing home administrator would be the person to visit personally and sit down and get it in writing that you are not allowing visitations of certain persons as guardian for your DH. and explain that the visits creat confusion, harrassment, and intimidation to YOU as his advocate and him personally. we all well know how certain persons can stir up our spouses. here i think many states have in force the Nursing Home Care Act which has specific duties and regulations and laws that give patients specific rights. violating those rights could mean losing their licenses and or prosecutions. the facility CANT allow visitors to enter private living areas without permission. in this case yours as you are his guardian. i am sure they know better than you and I that they have specific obligations to follow with regards to ensure and protect each patients rights and security. i think you should put a specific letter on his 'living area' that states " _____ (specific names_ are not allowed visitation priveleges.' and have everyone in authority there to sign it including yourself giving you legal notice they have been informed of your intent to follow thru if its violated. and if there are any questions security personell should be called to enforce it. if you can get a personal dr to write a letter stating that he concurs that unecessary intimidations, harrassments, and stress are not in your DH best interest they should be held accountable in all aspects of enforcing your notices. so if you can get any of his drs to write a letter to this effect and have it on file it may help make your case.
sorry you are going thru this all the time. none of us need the added stress and headaches you have had with this extended family. hugs. divvi
Dear Divvi, as always, your advice is invaluable, and thank you again for stepping in to help. Now that it is clearer to me, I will go ahead with more confidence with the top brass. You are a blessing to me and this site, DIvvi.
The Care Facility Social Worker just phoned to say that they cannot call Security without a restraining order. Although our lawyer has threatened ex-wife with a restraining order before,there isn't one. Social Worker says that a letter from DH's doctor will will not work, either. Says that it appears to her it's the kids who bring her in, and therefore, lawyer should go after them. Lawyer (who is on vacation) has already written them several.
Also, a letter from the lawyer to the Care Facility will not help, either, says the Social Worker. Someone wise once told me that you can make all the laws in the world, but you can't make people obey them.
In most States, I think a restraining order through the legal system would work. Just like one adult sometimes files against another for harrassment, child abuse, etc., etc.
mary then the only remaining choice is for your atty to get a restraining order against the ex. and if they defy it then throw them in jail and then remove the person who brings her visiting rights as well. seems they really want to challenge your authority and wont stop til its over.
i dont know how they can say that. your facility is state or govt run mary?? if its private pay and not i dont see how they can say they can do nothing. i think you may have to resort to your atty again to bring this under control =i know you are tired of it all and maybe this will be the straw that breaks the camels back.
Just back from visiting DH and learned from the Care Aide and cleaning staff that ex-wife came in yesterday shortly after I left and went to visit Eric. His room door was locked. (His Care Aide said he wanted to use the bathroom, and he locked the hall door for privacy. He heard knocking but didn't answer.) The cleaning girl says she saw ex-wife go to the nurses' station and demand the key to unlock the door. Started yelling that she was the ex-wife, she could go in if she wanted to, etc. Made a big fuss. Nursing staff finally told her to write her lawyer a letter. Cleaning staff said, "She's crazy." My point exactly. Divvi, I sent you a copy of an email I sent to the Social Worker, recapping our conversation.
Mary75, you sure have a hummdinger of an ex-family to deal with there! Other than being crazy and perhaps wanting to aggravate you, what is her point with the visits? Just to stir up trouble?
Yes, she's a mischief maker. Early on in our marriage, when she would pull weird stunts, DH summed her up as, "Someone whose life is so dull, she has to get her kicks somehow." My take is that she is "silly," a once beautiful woman who was a bit of a flake. My daughter has called her an aging hippy - my apologies to hippies. I'm expecting she'll strike again, probably today, and the Care Aide will call on the staff for help. After her scene in the hallway, I think the Car Facility will be more motivated to call Security if they can't handle her. My lawyer is away on vacation until this coming Friday, and I will ask her then to go ahead with a restraining order. In the meantime, I guess I'll have to play it by ear. I have to be very careful - there is no doubt that the vultures will come after me when DH dies (money being the motive), and I have to be like Caesar's wife, above suspicion.
Divvi, it's a subsidized (by the government) religious Care Facility, and I pay about $3000.00 monthly. In addition, I am paying for 24-hour care aide support because DH is at high risk for fall and fell several times in a short interval, mostly at night going to the bathroom.
I just want to know how on earth they could come after YOU for money and ...may I add "GET ANY" since you have been his wife for thirty PLUS years. My husband's children tried to sue ME for a life insurance policy that he had mentioned in his divorce with his wife in the early 80's. The lawyers said I was not a party to the divorce, had no knowledge of the agreement, and since the reference insurance policy was OWNED by DuPont and NOT him, and he did not get to keep that policy after he retired from DuPont, they didn't have a claim. The referenced policy no longer existed. They cost me thousands of dollars in legal fees, nonetheless. So, I suppose I have survived your greatest nightmare... IF his money goes into an ESTATE, his family might be able to sue "the estate". If it's willed to you, directly, they cannot. That, of course, is what I was told (Texas Law).
Your nightmares make me glad I am poor and have nothing to fight over (except worn out clothing).
Seriously - so sorry all you have to go through this. I remember always reading these family greedy battles in Dear Abby and Ann Landers, but never knew people that went through the nightmare.
Phoned my husband early this morning to talk to his Care Aide about a dressing that needed the R.N.'s attention. No answer. Phoned later, my daughter answered. She said the Care AIde must have stepped out for a minute. Got a phone call from R.N. in charge of unit to say that the Care Aide hadn't turned up at 7:30 a.m. (it was now 10:30 a.m.) and that her staff had helped DH with his breakfast etc. Phoned the Care Agency, it was the first they knew. Got another aide. Went in myself. Wonder if missing Care Aide didn't want to face ex-wife problem. Spoke to new Care Aide, he didn't like the idea either of having to deal with ex., but said he'd worked as a bouncer at a Casino and also at a government car insurance dept. and was used to handling people. Learned he is getting $13.00 per hour from agency, and they collect $24.50 per hour from me. Spoke to R.N. in charge, told her the situation re. ban on ex's visits, she says she'll work with the bouncer-aide. Phoned the police this morning, non- emergency no. and learned that if I, as a wife, ask a visitor to leave DH's private room in a Care Facility, and the visitor doesn't, to phone such-and-such a number, not 911), and they will come out and escort her out. Spoke to the receptionist at desk re. screening visitors. Well, let's see if it's necessary, and if it works, and will phone law firm on Monday and ask for help from lawyer who is covering for vacationing one. P.S. dressing was checked, and wound healing well. Thanks to everyone for all your feedback and support. It helps.
mary i am almost hoping the ex shows up after you have everything in place and she gets an 'escort' off the property.. how would that feel as payback?? haha.
i am glad to see you are moving and shaking things up! they need to see you mean business - good for you. let us know if you get the restraining order.:) divvi
Checked with Vancouver Police non-emergency number, and they say that they do not issue temporary restraining orders, that it has to be done by a judge. Whether they start the ball rolling or not, I don't know. I still think that the Care Facility bears some responsibility, but I think that no one wants to take it. Have emailed C.E.O, and his second-in-command. Think most of senior staff is off on holiday. May not be back until Tues. Plan A: Care Aide does not let ex wife enter room. If ex-wife causes problem, Aide will notify nurse in charge. Plan B: If charge nurse does nothing, aide will phone me, and I'll call non-emerg. police no. Plan C. On Tues. will phone law firm and ask for back-up lawyer and start restraining order process. Thanks, Divvi.
I am not sure, but I think a judge has to approve a Temporary Restraining Order in Texas as well. Divvi should know this. I, too, wish she would have to be removed from the Nursing Home by a uniformed police officer.
Mary, if you can, do all within your power to protect your assets, money, insurance etc., by having them made out to you and not the estate that would have to go through Probate BEFORE he dies. Take it from me...that would have made my life so much easier. ONE insurance policy was payable to his estate and I had to spend it down quickly with certain allowable items.
I might suggest that once the restraining order is issued, if you could post a letter on his door saying that the following persons (name) (Name)(name) are prohibited by LAW from entering this room. To do so can and will result in an arrest warrant being issued. Signed by some legal authority, not you. (Then, I wish you had a video camera recording their reactions when they read it.)
Seriously, once the restraining order is issued, they will probably get notified (or served) with the order. It's about time you did this, as difficult as it is.
Now, have that lawyer insure your funds are safe from their prying hands "after".
Update: I've found the magic word, it's "health issue." Have just spoken to Audrey R.N., acting supervisor of Facility (from South Africa) and told her that the e-wife's unwelcome visits are becoming a health issue for DH and that even though I don't yet have a Restraining order, their Security should be called to protect my husband, retain the Care aides who don't want to deal with e-wife, and lessen the stress on my husband. She agreed, said she would talk to the nurses on his floor, and that she would take personal responsibility. (It helped that I said I had email C.E.O. and all other V.I.P.'s and would be seeing lawyer as soon as possible. She also said that the police would be called if nec. Nancy, thanks for your good ideas. Will do. Thanks to all.
How old is your husband?? I know in some states persons over a certain age...maybe 70 they are conisdered a "protected class" and you can get legal matters like protective orders much easier and quicker.
He was 91 last Tuesday. Yes, that should make a difference and the fact that he could go anytime - I don't know how he's lasted this long - I was sure he was dying weeks ago. This should be a time of peace and quiet for the both of us.
I also have a thought regarding the care facility...if they do not protect your DH from this ex and any other troublemakers, despite court orders etc, it could be law suit time. I personally dislike the notion that one might have to sue to get things going as they should be but sometimes a hint of a law suit for neglect of due process in protecting the patient's best interests might light a fire under the aids who don't want to face off with the ex.
ps...why is this so hard on nice people...we are caregivers to our LOs and then evildoers come along and behave like vultures or just to make mayhem and we don't deserve any of this.
Mimi, Mary lives in Canada, and she's been dealing with lawyers, state officials and others for a year, it seems. She's been absolutely wonderful through all of this, fighting for her husband's well being and necessary care. It's hard for anyone to understand the actions of his ex wife of over 30 years and her vicious claim on this poor man. She needs to be confined somewhere, if you ask me. Obviously, she doesn't feel like she's divorced from him. Cn you imagine demanding your rights with a nurse, saying, "Hey! I'm his EX WIFE and I demand you let me into his room?".... Unbelievable!
Here's an edited email I sent the owner of the Care Agency: Dear R.W., Today your Care Aide T. did not turn up at "name of Care Facility," room 34, for his 7:30 a.m.-7:30 p.m shift to care for my husband "Mr. Wonderful." As a result, my husband was left unattended, except for "name of care facility's" own staff, until approx. 11:00 a.m., at which time Walter "your agency" came, after a phone call by "X " of your agency. My husband is 91 years old, has Alzheimer's disease, a B.P. of 80/50 and is at high risk for fall (he's already had a spontaneous decompression fracture of the coccyx). I hired round-the-clock care aides from your agency to care for and protect him. At approx. $18,000.00 per month, I expect a higher and more responsible level of care from your agency for him. As it was, I did not receive any phone call from "T," or your agency, and "name of care facility" staff had to phone me to let me know. I want an explanation. "T." told me yesterday, "I'm working here, tomorrow," so that as far as I knew, he was expecting to be with my husband for a 12 hour dayshift. The only reason that I can think of is that "T." did not want to deal with Eric's ex-wife, who is banned from visiting Eric. It is not easy for anyone to deal with difficult family matters, and I understand that. If this was the reason that "T.""Mr. Wonderful" this coming Tuesday and ask for a Temporary Restraining Order against the ex-wife, "name." If Care Aides are not turning up to care for my husband because of the problems the ex-wife causes, it will make it easier and quicker to get a restraining order if I can establish that her visits are not only upsetting to Eric, which they are, but are causing health problems. In my opinion, it is a health problem for my husband if he is left alone unattended without anyone's knowledge for 3.5 hours. As it was, I took a cab over as soon as I could, and Tara was able to get Walter to come in. But my husband could have fallen during that time span, and if "name of care facility" staff hadn't intervened, I guess Eric could have been on his own until 7:30 p.m. when the next "name of agency" Care Aide came on duty.
Mary "75" Health Care Representative and Co-committee
If this was the reason that T. didn't come today, I would appreciate knowing. I plan to contact the lawyer for the Co-committees for "Mr. Wonderful" this coming Tuesday and ask for a Temporary Restraining Order against the ex-wife, "name."
You are actually saying then, that in addition to $3,000 a month for the nursing home, you spend $18,000 a month for nursing care. Oh my LORD..... for $21,000 a month, you could have him in a part of your HOME with round the clock nursing care in a state of the art custom designed hospital room with every piece of equipment known to man.... (like Howard Hughes might have had) for that much in our area of the country.
How much more would it cost to hire a Security Guard with an AK-7 machine gun at his door if you keep him in the Nursing Home?
Remember back a few years ago when we thought we'd all have to show up dressed in tan trench coats and dark glasses and hide behind 'palm trees' to keep watch on his room...aka the Pink Panther guys. Nancy B*.
Ahhh, Nancy, then I would have the recovering heroin addict child; and the crack addict child (former "Old Lady" of the weapon's man for the Hell's Angels, since murdered when he became addicted to heroin) and the seriously- disturbed other daughter; plus only grandchild (from weapon's man), plus their 4 partners, in and out of my house at DH's request. No, as is.
Mary75 had confronted this miserable situation with such grace she should be given a gold medal. I would not have the grace and calm I don't think to manage this so well..I would be outside the room with a switch blade!
I re-read your post. Your husband is asking for his children to come in?? you wrote: .."... in and out of my house at DH's request". Frankly, my dear, I wouldn't be able to hear his requests...I'd be struck with selective hearing in that case. I simply cannot imagine the stress brought on by what you are going through.
Ex-wife's casting: well, maybe Paris Hilton made up to look age 84. Or who is that other one who is always in the news, has kids, uses drugs and sings? Both are blonde, as was ex. Everything was calm at the Care Facility when I visited today and staff friendly and co-operative. One daughter visited yesterday and hired care aide (not too bright) told her "no visitors." She went to nurse in charge who said it was okay. No doubt will be reported back to her mother. I had wheeled DH out into the living room to sit by the fire before dinner, and one of the staff's aides came over to ask me who I was. She later told me that she had been told not to allow ex-wife to visit DH, and she was just checking. I think that one of the things that worked when I talked to the evening supervisor a day or two ago was that I told her I didn't know what else I could do but call the police if the Care Facility wouldn't call their own security. Told them I'd be very reluctant to do that that DH had been a newspaper man, and maybe the press would get wind of it, and I wouldn't like that. I really didn't want to do that, was concerned; it wasn't meant as a threat. Anyway, so far, so good. Have sent email to law firm requesting help in getting temporary restraining order before regular lawyer back from holidays. Charlotte, good response. One I'd like to use right now with ex. - and won't - is "You're going to end up in a psych unit, not jail, if you don't stop what you're doing." Anyway, back to some peace in my life. I'm just finishing the last chapter of the novel I've been working on, and plan to get it away to the editor before UBC class on Thursday. The class is a seminar for English literature majors and I have no idea what to expect. The prof's speciality is literature from the North, that is, the North West Territories, the Yukon and Alaska. Doesn't really sound appealing - I feel cold just thinking about it: 60 below with the wind chill, snow, ice. Small class though, that's good. Besides, it's a required course, so I have to take it sometime. A bonus is that it's a 2-hour lecture once a week, so that cuts down travel time.
Mary, just curious. How long have you been married to your DH. Before he became ill, was the ex in his life this much? I don't know how you stand it and further, I don't know why he allowed it to go on all these years.
Mary, at least you have your classes and your writing to help you forget for small interludes! I hope, while you can, you write a book about your life with your spouse, especially since having to place him! Just in what you have told us over these last years, it would be a best selling book and a great movie!!!! Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan could play his daughters!
It is too bad he doesn't have a caregiver nurse like Nurse Ratchet!!!! She scared me so much I had nightmares! Louise Fletcher won an Academy Award for her performance. (And had difficulty getting another role afterwards!) ("One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" is the movie for those of you who didn't recognize the name of the nurse - or if I got it wrong!)
Mary, I do keep you in my prayers. You have the step kids and ex-wife from H#@*.
Nancy, we've been married for 32 years. Yes, ex-wife has intruded since day 1, she considered herself wife #1 and would phone him often, usually as we sat down to dinner. He felt a tremendous guilt that the kids had got into so much trouble; he blamed himself,saying that he was so wrapped up in his job (writing) that he didn't spend enough time with them. He wrote at home (even when he had his daily newspaper columns) and he was available to them, but he still thinks he is responsible for their addictions etc. So he indulged them all over the years, and I left him in 1990, saying I wouldn't put up with it anymore. It was interesting to me that ex-wife did not contact him after I left - that's why I call her a mischief maker, no signs of undying love her. I came back, and we tried again. It was better, but still difficult. Alzheimer's entered picture; he was getting old; the kids were absent from his life except at Christmas and their birthdays and then with outstretched hand. I knew he had no one who would care for him but me, and I stayed. Would I do it again if I were back in that position? Only if I could protect myself in every possible way legally, but with the number of them, and the time they have on their hands, they would have found ways. About the only conclusion I can reach, if any person found themselves in the same position, would be to avoid men who have that many potential problems to bring into the marriage. And Nancy, I think that DH shares some of the blame for his first family's behaviour; he didn't step in and act like a man when they did things; he found it easier to make me look like the bad guy . He's told me this. I've posted before that what has kept me plugging away is more like a duty; he's patient who is vulnerable.
Mary75, When he does pass on, you will deserve more than just that *. You will also deserve a halo..you and Stuntgirl* too.
There are no words...
Can you file a divorce from those "relatives of his"...those troublemaker hangerson? I hope your lawyer will get things in solid form so you have no more trouble in any way shape or form from that lot.
Dear Mary..Print the letter you wrote to me and take it to your lawyer when you ask for the restraiing order. It says it all, well written, concise and to the point. Tell him you are afraid about what will happen with funds after he dies and ask if he can set up some protection for you legally. n.