Ky Caregiver asked a question about moving under the "denial" thread. I have moved it here under its own topic to keep things organized.
joang
Below is her question:
I am thinking of relocating to be near my daughter, but i wonder if that would help or hurt my situation. My husband is very comfortable here and there would be the process of him dealing with the new surroundings. i know that would be very stressful for him. Im not sure how much support I would receive as my daughter is very busy now, although she is the only child I have that is helpful. My son has his head in the sand, or just doesnt care, i dont know.
We moved last April to be nearer daughter. The move was as much for my welfare as it was for my dh. I was fearful that I could become ill and there would be no one near by that could be counted on to see about the care (placement)of my dh (not daughter's father) and no one near to communicate with doctors etc. regarding me. I was not too concerned about someone to help with chores, minor repairs, etc. because I could and have found handimen to do small jobs.
We lived about 40 miles away from daughter and the nearest hospital was another 15 miles. That would make a rather long round trip for daughter after working all day to come to see me or whatever if I became ill. My dh would be helpless...he can't drive, can't do his own medication, etc. We all are so busy and concerned about our spouses we need to take the time to figure out what would happen if we become ill (stroke, broken leg, hip, etc.)...we have to have someone to count on and I thought I should make that as easy as I could on my daughter.....so we moved to within 8 miles.
Dh did take a downward turn and never totally recovered from the move...but I still think we made the right move.
We were fortunate enough to have our daughter and her family move to a house 2 doors down from us a little more than 2 years ago. What a blessing! She takes my wife shopping, they go out once a week for lunch allowing me to go bowling, AND my daughter is always asking if I'd like her to 'take mom off my hands' for an hour or two so I can have some 'me time' when the need arises. All I can say is that judging from people in my weekly support group and based on my own experience, IF a caregiver is lucky enough to enjoy a good relationship with an adult child, living very close to that child can be a tremendous help in numerous ways. Two caregivers in my weekly support group actually moved in with their married children and both say how helpful this has been to them.
KY Caregiver I moved to be near my daughter, but whilst she is a good daughter, she is also very busy with her work and her family. I have found that she doesn't really have a lot of time to spend with us, not helped perhaps that DH is not her father, although she was very fond of him. I left a circle of friends, and being somewhat isolated now, don't have the chance to make new ones. If I had the choice again, I would be thinking very hard about it.
Our three kids are scattered around the country - Massachusetts, Illinois, New Mexico. We live in Maine near the family homestead. The kids get back here as much as possible. Living near one of them would not work. Our older daughter is retiring in June. Then they will spend 3-4 months a year in Maine, 2-3 months in Florida, and the rest in Illinois. So living near them would not work (we are already near them for 3-4 months starting next summer). Our son is presently in New Mexico, but he has a habit of changing jobs and location fairly frequently, so that won't work. The daughter in Massachusetts is very busy with 2 teen-age boys plus working. And she is only 5 hours away in case of emergency. SO, we'll stay where we are, in a retirement Inn, and let the kids visit us.
Marsh, If I lived in that beautiful state I wouldn't budge either! We were there In October for a week, and it was truly the highlight of my year. My husband never wanted to travel, but I took advantage of the situation with him, (he doesnt want me out of his site) and planned that vacation. He actually did quite well and I think he enjoyed it. I am planning to do the same next fall, if my situation allows, that is if his condition doesnt progress too much.
Thanks, I will. That is one place we planned to go, but didnt make it. Too little time, too much to see. Also we were were nearby, the weather was horrendous! Rainy, & cold!!
Ky, have you talked it over with your daughter? Do you have a relationship such that she would be honest with you regarding you moving close to her? If so, does she honestly think she would find time in her busy schedule to be there for you with any regularity? Even if it is scheduling her to watch your hb once a week so you can have some free/me time? I would not worry about your husband as much as you. There are times you have to do what is best for you, not your husband. Do a pros and cons sheet of moving and staying. Search your heart as to what you need. Even if you daughter is too busy to give much help, would she be there in an emergency if you moved where she can't now? Just being closer, would that make you feel better?
I have no experience to offer here but as a general rule believe that "better the devil you know." You say your husband is comfortable where you are, that it would be stressful for him to move, and you're not sure about how much help your daughter could give, that she's pretty busy right now. It seems to me that this is not the time to move closer to your daughter. You've got 2 pluses to stay, and one doubtful to move. Maybe the time will come, but not now, I think.