My New Year's Day blog will be a "forward" looking, hopefully positive message. Today, however, I did some looking "backwards" to what I have finally managed to master in 2010 related to the rules of Alzheimer's Disease. I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - to read the blog and post comments about the rules you have mastered this year.
Oh Joan, of the 3 rules you mentioned I STILL argue. WHY oh WHY do I do it? I KNOW that his reasoning button is broken. I also NEVER win. What is wrong with me? When will I learn not to argue?
I have learned from here not to argue and at this point in the disease have been successful. Reason still works some with him. Subconsciously I think this is not happening, that he will not get worse. But, I know in my head that in time he will. Until then I am trying to keep as close to 'normal' as we can be. Normal is not what it use to be - it is letting him do what he can and be patient. My inclination is to not ask him to do in order to not have him realize what he has lost the ability to do. I am doing more and more around the MH, he does less and less. His taste buds are off - can't tell the difference between pepsi or root beer, can't taste that the water her is salty (have to buy drinking water), and I wonder how much of the food he really taste. My latest frustration: the cat has more or less become his. When she poops in the litter box I can smell, say something but he will not go clean it out. Yesterday I got upset and complained about why he never helps with the cat litter - he use to. No reply as if I expected one.
Joan The only reason I am able to do so well with the rules is you have been here to guide me. Had I not had your help I to would have taken years to learn all of this.
Not to argue.......This year our DD wanted a new ipod touch for Christmas, she has an old ipod. Every time she talked about a new one DH would say her old one only needs a battery. We would change the subject and move on. She got the new ipod and all is well. Not one word about the battery from DH. This could have been a big fight the last two months and with your wisdom Joan it was nothing to worry about.
Thank you for all you do. blue PS Now don't get me wrong, there are times when old habits hit and I argue back. But I soon catch myself and move on:)
Like Elaine, I, also, still have trouble with that 'never argue' rule. I've gotten better ... but I'm not fully there yet. Slow learner, I guess!! I still continue to think at times, "It's SO obvious to me, why isn't it so equally obvious to her??!! But at least I have come really close to mastering the 'Groundhog Day' response this past year ... I'm much better now at responding each time as if it's the first time I've been asked that same question!!
Acvann, I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who is not fully there yet. I think one of the reasons is because I feel the same way that Charlotte does, when things seem “normal” I don’t think this is really happening & that he won’t get worse, but then he does something that proves that “YES, this IS happening & I know it will get worse. I try to be patient & for the most part I am. But now he is in the stage where when he can’t find anything he thinks I’m stealing from him & then it can get ugly!
Arguing was one thing I have learned to control - for the most part. Telling my husband about what is going on in the world was more difficult. I am a talker but have now learned to guard my words and think about what will happen if I say this or that. I have learned patience! I have always been a take charge person and did things myself just to get them done in a timely manner. Now I can sit back and wait because as everyone will learn.....you cannot make someone with ALZ move any faster than they want to! but....alas.....I don't always succeed at any of these but God is changing me everyday.
phil4:13, I forgot to mention that I try to NEVER tell my DH anything that is happening in the future, such as family get togethers, meetings we are going to next week, etc. Since he has no concept of time he thinks that when I tell him we are going somewhere it means that we are going right away. Consequently, when we don't go he hounds me about when we are going. Most people we know also know not to tell him about future events. I was curious about your name so I looked it up & sure enough it was the verse I thought it was. I agree. I'm going to write it in my little notebook of inspirational verses that I keep & read every once in a while.
I've sure had enough years at this job to have mastered the rules. I know the first 3 well. DO NOT ARGUE--got it 99% of the time. ACCEPT THAT HIS ORIGINAL SELF IS GONE--got it. GET IT THROUGH MY THICK HEAD THAT IF IT'S TO GET DONE I HAVE TO SEE TO IT. Again have that down most of the time, mainly excepting when there's a new thing jumping onto my plate. MY NEW RULE TO LEARN and I am no where near mastering it yet is: CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK. Even when you know the rules, sometimes things catch you unaware or push one of your buttons. Sometimes you will REACT instead of RESPOND. What makes me think I can do this perfectly? I am a Human Being and proud of it. Mistakes are tools of learning. So, I started 2010 mastering 1-3 and starting on 4. 2011 my goal is to improve where I'm lacking and master 4.
I don't tell my DH anything that will set him off wondering and worrying. Tomorrow there will be a veiwing of the condo. I am hoping and praying that whoever is looking will make an offer. I haven't mentioned it to DH because he will go on about it. If something comes of it then I will tell him. So I have at least learned one thing!!!!
Oh Dear, I still argue, hard as I try not to. When his voice raises (which it does so often) mine also raises. this from someone who, during the first 30-something years never argued... well, because his reason button wasn't broken then. Oh God, give methe wisdom accept the things I cannot change and then SHUT MY MOUTH!!! hAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL
ElaineH, Even though I know that it doesn't do any good I occasionally argue depending on how important I feel it is. But did you notice how long it took Joan to quit arguing? I think that lesson is hard learned. Charlotte, that was another thing I learned this year, normal...normal is not my normal it is his normal so when I say that I try to keep things as normal as possible I mean I am keeping his idea of normal as normal as possible and just that is a full time job because it changes every 2 months or so. It is like I am learning him all over again. blue, I totally agree, this support group has helped me so much through this journey that I am going to do everything I can to keep my internet. chris r, that prayer is really funny but soooo true, there is no other way to handle it.
I now routinely go to my wife's computer and edit/delete/block emails from her inbox ... she is totally unaware of this. Doing this has reduced a major source of argument and stress; she no longer repeatedly asks if I replied to this or that email, no longer argues with me about why I wrote this or that, etc. I resisted doing this for a long time, feeling it was not 'right' to go behind her back. But I now do this routinely and this has helped a lot. Some of my attempts to 'make her world' easier have backfired; she will often yell at me for doing this or that saying, "Please don't do this for me; there are so few things I can still do myself and this is one of them, so please let me do it." Of course, 9 times out of 10, she can no longer do what she thinks she can still do and I end up having to do it anyway ... but she wants to retain that independence for as long as she can. And that is a good thing. As with so much else these days, it is what it is.
To everyone, best wishes for a happy and healthy 2011 and as always, thank you, Joan, for helping to keep us sane!
I found an article that had good points in it about not arguing - http://www2.journalnow.com/news/2010/dec/30/wsmet06-advice-to-caregivers-reassure-and-dont-arg-ar-653602/ The direct link is on the home page.