My dh has been talking about dying all week. He has told me what funeral home he wants used and about his plot at least 5 or 6 times this week. I just didn't think too much about it a first, but it is beginning to frighten me.
Judith, I think it's normal and healthy and a question we all face sooner or later, and some later than others. Perhaps when he has told you all his wishes, he can put the topic aside in peace, knowing that you heard him and will do what he's requested.
Absolutely. If you haven't already made all these plans, what better time than now. Carpe Diem.
My husband refused to talk about it the last five years of his life. Lucky for me, I knew his wishes from a discussion years earlier...and we had a file folder filled with all the info I needed.
Please don't let this talk frighten you. Death is inevitable, and we need to be prepared...as painful as the thought may be.
Maybe is he sees you jot this down when he says it, have a little folder where he can see that his wishes are written down so he can see it, maybe he will then let the topic rest.
It is a strange thing on how something they heard on TV might get them going and obsessing about a topic for some days or even weeks and then let it go.
My dh did not want to discuss death issues either. I have always been the opposite. It was a great relief to me to get everything chosen and prepared - I might have died before he did. We never know. I had a cousin dying of breast cancer at the age of 45. In the final stages she was crying as she told me her husband would not discuss things with her. She would have felt a great burden lifted if he had listened to her wishes. I understand. Some can and some can't but what a blessing to be able to listen.
As much as we hate to think about death we have too. I agree with Mimi, that if he sees you writing things down, that he says, it might sooth his mind alittle. He may also, in his limited ability, be thinking of you and relieving the stress some that you will be going through after he dies. Imohr has a thought too in that maybe later he will not or can not talk about death and wants to do it while he can and still wants to. Whether we like it or not we are going to have to know what their desires are in that regard but I agree with you in that it is scary. We are all here to give you a big {{{{{hug}}}}} when you need it.
Right before I placed my husband he said he was going to die soon. He seemed very concerned about it. I asked him if he wanted me there with him. He said yes, so I told him I would be. As soon as I told him that, I could see him relax. I think he needed to now that. I asked him if he wanted his sons there and he said that if they wanted to be it was okay with him.
Three and a half years later, I was at his beside holding his hand when he died just like he wanted. We had talked over the years about what he wanted and having done that made it a lot easier for me to make all the arrangements - I just did and arranged things like he wanted.
When I told him I would be there, I had no clue if I would be able to be in the room with him or not at that moment. I do not handle these things well. However, when the time came, I did not think about me just what he needed and he needed me there and it was okay.
My DH has been doing this for years. In the beginning, it was more in a fear of dying sort of way. Lately, it is that he is worried that I will "throw him away." He is so sure that I told him last summer that I was going to throw his ashes in the street. I know that I would never have said that but he feels really bad about it. He tells me that he doesn't want me to tell anyone when he dies. He wants them to find out when they call. If that were the case, a couple of his sisters would never know. He told me last week about a song that he wants played at his services. "Seasons in the Sun" So...does he want a service or not??? Lately, he is talking about getting a permit so that I can bury him in the back field. He wants to make a plot. I told him that I can bury his ashes anywhere, that he doesn't need a permit.
Keeping a folder is a good idea. I really need to start doing this, especially for the songs that he picks out.
Mary, I had a folder of ideas/plans for when the time came. It helped me a lot and helped me think things through and make some needed decisions before his time came. For me, it worked out very well.
DH has lost his two best friends this year and he keeps saying he won't be here long. And,it just dawned on me tonight that I don't think he knows the significance of Christmas or Christmas Eve or the entire holiday! And he keeps telling me how pretty the house it with all the twinkly trees lit up - and asked if I was going to leave them that way! I asked if he would like them left up and he said "yes, until I leave this world". Didn't do much to keep my holiday spirit up.