Joan, I feel the same way. I don't want all the grief inside me to build up and build up. Periodically I just plan to have a good cry and sort of get everything out of my system.
Everybody grieves differently as they go through this. For myself, if I didn't let the grief out every once in a while, it would kill me. You certainly can't save all the grief to the end when it goes on year after year (after year after year).
You know in your heart what works best for you, so do whatever helps. Goodness knows, all this is hard enough even when we try to make it as easy as we can for ourselves.
Remember that tears formed when you cry contain toxins, and crying washes those toxins out of your body. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I read that getting rid of those toxins will help your immune system. So every time I needed to sit down and have a good cry, I just told people that I was going to go work on my immune system for a while! That was 20 years ago now, so maybe I'm living proof that it works.
Joan, I am of the same opinion, I can't pretend the cup is half full when I know there is a hole in the bottom. I grieve every day over my dear Marilyn. She is now only awake 5 to 7 hours a day and barley speeks to me. I always remember how vibrant and full of life she used to be, now she just exists. This was also her favorite time of year and now I can't even bring myself to hang a decoration. I'm going to join your party and cry whenever I want.
Growing up, I was taught that "self pity" was not to be indulged It was a waste of time and destructive.
I finally figured out that it is a valid emotion, but as with any other, not to be wallowed in and allowed to dominate your life. I've found that letting those feeling come to the surface and flood over, will in a short while wash away a gvreat deal of pain, anger, and sadness. When wornout from crying I could relax into sleep. On awakening I could look at my current reality and pick up where I'd left off, going on with a lighter heart and outlook. I hadn't changed anything except the hurting I'd hugged to me and had been letting devour me. Thee are feelings we have to face and go through, not hoard like valuable gems. So, yes, on my terms, I'll cry when I want to.
They key is "if I want to." We've all got to do what works. Usually I just try to live on an emotional plane that doesn't dip into that well. But sometimes it burbles up, and there's not much good in squelching it at those times.
I myself need a "good cry" once in a while. In fact I have felt that way my whole adult life. I don't cry in front of anyone if possible, but sometimes the tears just come & I can't help it. Sometimes in church when I hear a hymn that I remember my Mom singing my eyes well up & I can't help it. SOmetimes when I am talking to my daughters telling them something their Dad has done, the tears flow. I hate when that happens because then sometimes they cry too. I also get tears in my eyes reading some of the posts here. It hurts when I read that someone in my support internet family is going through heartbreaking situations.
crying is good for the soul but it sure raises H**l with the breathing. a good cry is good for the inside and I find that it will come out even if you try to stop it. as an old song says "let your hair down and cry" but then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and continue what you were doing. I find that the tears come more quickly now after watching the (deterioation) huh!! slowly occur over time. The changes come almost daily now, even tho they are minor they do not go unnoticed. We are going to try making some changes come spring and even if they don't work at least we will have tried. bruce
Joan..it is your party and it is ok to cry if you want to, because eventually you will begin to dance to the music, and that in itself will bring you joy. I am now dancing pretty well, but I still hate rap.
Carosi, I found your insights very helpful. I, too, have been told not to indulge in self pity, and doggone, it's a relief to be told that I can if I need to, that we need to go through these feelings and face them. Thanks.
I have always become a little emotional when faced with group functions. Work parties, large family get-togethers. I don't know why but I have been this way for years. With DH being so unpredictable, it is much worse for me.
the people at work are planning a potluck lunch for Christmas and I had the same reaction. Yesterday, I told DH about it and teared up. His reaction was to yell at me about how dumb I was because this was a nice thing and I had bigger things to cry about. I told him that if I can't tell him how I feel about things, no matter how small, that I just won't any more. It was a little unpleasent around our house for a while and I just let it drop.
This morning, DH hugged me and told me that he was so sorry that fun times make me cry and that I should plan on staying for the lunch and so on and so on. He was very nice, like his old self, about it. He said all the right things. The things that he should have said (or, rather, the things that I expected him to say) yesterday.
Isn't it funny how tears just come when you least expect. We handle so much in our lives without ever a tear. And then we get invited to lunch and we cry. Go figure.
My psychiatrist says I'm trying not to let my father down. Of course he thinks a cigar is never a cigar. He says I'm still trying to be a good little boy and be brave even when I feel like sobbing. I blame my parents. I also blame your parents. What does he want me to do? Go back with a baseball bat and clobber everyone who kept saying that doesn't hurt and boys don't cry and all that rubbish? They're dead. Even Mr MacDonald who gave me the strap in grade two and teased maliciously that he was going to make me cry (he did). I knew the psychiatrist would write furiously when I told him that. He thinks that means something. It doesn't. All our experiences affect us - not just those. Ask an employee. Find one not underappreciated, underpaid, or underpromoted.
I'm not advocating putting our little boy's in pink dresses. I'm also not unaware that when I do cry all the women of every age rush over and fuss over me while all the men look like they're choking on a pickle. Oh, you're too sexist Wolf. Nonsense. Just look around at how busy everthing is programming us.
I got a haircut today because the home care worker has been here for a month and I looked like Ringo Starr on a bad day (black and white too). I sat there with 7 women around me talking about estrogen levels so I said in a deep voice that I wasn't worried about my estrogen levels. After a second of silence they all burst out laughing and suddenly I was one of the girls. Everybody waved and we wished each other merry christmas as I left looking like a marine. If I'd cried there I would have been awash in a sea of estrogen emoting empathy. Worse things can happen to you. But then niagara falls really would have started flowing and I'm afraid that I don't know how to turn that off again.
Strong emotions are what I can't handle. I cried watching Nanny McPhee a few days ago. I cried when my SIL told me they were all proud of me. I cried when the case manager said "We're going to help you." I'm not worried about crying. I'm worried about stopping.
In my mind everybody that goes through this gets badly bruised and beat up and life gets turned upside down. There's no healthy way around that. So I'll cry when it comes. But when I function I can't feel and when I feel I can't function. I don't see any choice but that I have to pick one. That's just talking about my life with my wife. Add that I have more work and more stress than at any other time in my life and it's bleak house in 3D.
I have a wide range. Bambi or Conan. Deep sighs about the beauty of life like Fernando on the hill smelling the flowers or a Rhino in full charge. I'll take Conan. And bring the big axe.
(Picture the pyschiatrist shedding a tear meeting me because I'm the stuff of their dreams).
Sometimes a cigar is a cigar. And when Freud married they moved in with his mother. Nuff said. Mental note to self - get more tissues - the soft ones.
So true. I don't usually cry. I'm afraid it won't stop if I do. When I'm 'working' with DH, my game face is on. I'm up and doing. cheering him into responsiveness, going out walking and shopping and everything I can think of to keep him stimulated when he'd probably rather sleep..but he's actually doing well, overall. I'm frazzled, looking after things, nearly as much as when he was at home. I feel like if I don't show up every day..that he'll languish. My head knows that is NOT true..BUT I want better attention given to him than the residents whose families never visit. If that makes sense. When I visit DH I'm 'working'..on duty..doing the things I wish and hope are being done when I am NOT there. In general he has adjusted to his environment fairly well..I don't know if he actually can keep track of hours and days.. I can and could skip a day or so..and have.. THATs beside the point.. The crying came unexpectedly like a flood, when I heard that my grandaughter prayed for everyone she missed so much. This disease has cost much more than the cost of a facility. It just hit so hard I couldn't stop. I miss them. I miss being near enough or available ENOUGH to keep the closeness we've had. They are growing up and busy with their adolescent lives. But to hear a granddaughter's prayer of missing ME was beyond endurance. I'm thankful for all of you here.. tears or no tears.
Reading this has been very interesting. I have never been able to express my emotions (except to tell my wife that I love her). On a few occasions I have felt like crying, but nothing happened. Yesterday I was getting treatment from a SHEN therapist. She said she felt there was a suit of armor around me, keeping the emotions in. I guess she is right. I have been going to a psychologist, but all we do is talk about what is happening, not how I feel about it. He doesn't seem to be helping, so I will probably stop going. I envy you women who can let out your emotions, and can vent on this site.
Well, Marsh, this is a safe place where you CAN talk about how you FEEL about what is happening and you know your family here will listen and understand. I think by now we've all become amateur psychologists! So, talk away...
marsh--find another counselor. A minister, psychologisat, whoever. One who clicks with you will ask what's happening and then help you explore your eelings, reactions, etc. A good one helps you explore all the viewpoints so you can detemine your best response. You probably know that already. You also probably know that armor is not your best friend. You need a psychological canopener.
I have a friend who's seeing his fifth psychiatrist because as carosi says you have to find one who clicks with you and finds a way to help use a canopener to get those emotions to come out.
My friend won't open up and is smart enough to deflect those trying to help him because he doesn't want to access those painful feelings. We are probably better off though if we do get our feelings out once in a while.
You said you tell your wife you love her and sometimes you feel like crying but can't. Those are emotions. Water doesn't have to flow I think you'll agree. And by posting what you did you've shown you're interested in helping yourself. A person (like my friend) truly avoiding their emotions would never have posted on this topic.
As Weejun said we all have our experiences and are willing to share. I see that in my twisted mind as having my Lucy 5 cent stand open. If you ever want to talk to another male in your situation more personally I have posted a hotmail account on my ID. I think it's better to talk to everyone here; but, we're all different with different comfort zone levels.
Joan's blog about crying in my opinion is one of the core issues we deal with. And I agree that one of the ways we move down this road more intact is by realizing and letting out some of the pain that every sane person has to know is in there and every sane person has to know is building as we go. Even the people that have an asterik by their name have new emotions to face in the silence and emptiness when all the work and the physical reality suddenly stops.
Even though this topic is crying - the business of emotions isn't just either crying or laughing. There are many keys on the piano. Is peace of mind an emotion?
In my mind form meets function when there is a display that the person recognizes that involves the physical being.
They're called feelings for a reason. We have to feel them for them to be feelings. Whether tears flow because of that in my mind is not the central issue.
My emotions come out more through the anger and frustration channels. Not as pretty but real feelings. I am very supportive of my wife. I am nowhere near as sympathetic. I don't need a psychiatrist to tell me it's because I try to hide the resentment that my life has become a nightmare. And I don't need one to tell me that's a valid feeling too.
What I need is to fight not to detach too much from myself and my feelings and any key I can kit on that piano is part of that. Letting my feelings come out where I can physically experience them I would argue is healthier than walling all of them off to help me survive. We're all fighting the battle Joan wrote about.
Wolf K, thanks, I needed that. I was worried about my crying. We're new at this with a diagnosis 4 months ago. I need to get a grip. We have a long way to go.
Mag--I found that one way to reduce the fear is to educate yourself. Read up on his Diagnosis (Dx). Learn about the progression and figure out where he is in it. That will give you an idea of where you are and what's probably coming next. Get Power of Attorney, wills, and medical Directives done. Once these big steps are under control, you'll have more command of what's happening. But above all, right now set your mind on 2 things that you must be solid about. Clear all thoughts of guilt and/or selfishness as you claim time for yourself--respite, where you do some things just for you, a lunch with friends, shopping,whatever-- and secondly, seek and accept any/all help available. You are or have already taken over all his responsibilities for your home and family; you have all your own responsibilities still, and now you are having to add all the responsibilities for his care-medical appointments, medications, eventually showering, dressing, etc. With all that, you need to focus on the responsibilities only you can do. Anyone can wash dishes, run laundry, even take your list and grocery shop. Thinking you have to do it all yourself in order to be a good Caregiver is shooting yourself in the foot. A direction (almost a cliche) given on airplanes, in a crisis, "grab and put on your airmask first. You can't help anyone else if you're already passed out". One of the greatest gifts you can give is to let someone know the thing they've done fo you is truly appreciated. Be a graceful receiver--say "Thank you", sincerely. Then know, at the end of each day, you did your best--no matter the outcome--and that is good enough.
Funny thing about crying. Yesterday I wanted to cry. I was having an extremely bad day, but the tears just wouldn't come. Today we had a lot of errands to run. DH had to come along, of course. He wasn't in a very good mood so that didn't help. We had to go to the bank & I didn't feel like going in the lobby so I went to the drive in window. There were 2 cars in the first lane & only one in the second. I waited in the first lane for a while & then I saw the guy in the second lane get the tube out of the holder so I assumed he would drive away so I pulled into that lane. He sits there for a while & then he sends the tube back. It seemed like forever but the tube finally came back. Meanwhile if I would have stayed in the first lane I would have been up to the window by then. So the guy sends the tube back again & we wait. I was getting so frustrated I wanted to scream. I wanted to get out of my van & go up to the guy & scream at him, but of course I didn’t. (By this time if I would have stayed at the first window I would have been merrily on my way). When I finally got up to the window I wanted to scream at the teller for taking so long & not telling the guy to come in the lobby, but the first thing she said to me was thank you for being patient. So instead so yelling at her I cried. Not the boo hoo kinda crying, just the tears rolling down your cheeks crying. It was the kind of crying I couldn’t stop. The tears just flowed (& of course the nose runs!) I kept my head turned away from my DH so he wouldn’t know I was crying. That usually doesn’t happen to me. I guess it was left over from yesterday when I couldn’t cry.
I don't know why, but lately I haven't been crying. I don't cry about our situation here. I can cry about other things - things like thinking about my grandchildren (but this crying isn't the sobbing kind), whom I don't see as often as I used to. I think I'm getting immune to crying about my DH and our situation. I think I've gotten used to the idea that things will never be the same, that our lives have changed forever. Things have been in a kind of lull as far as my DH, although this last week I've seen big changes in him again, especially with his memory. I won't take time away for myself because I don't want to have 2 weeks of him being angry again. I don't feel depressed. I've gone through that before and can recognize the symptoms and will certainly do something about it if I feel that way again. But, again, the crying. I used to lock myself in my room when I felt like crying, sometimes even in the shower while he's outside and can't hear me. But, now, I seem to have accepted this way of life. I don't like it, but there's nothing I can do to change it, so I've accepted it. Maybe it's just another stage in caregiving, just like the stages they have to go through. Maybe the crying will come again at another stage, either his or mine.
To day was the first day the frustration and hopelessness really got to me and I had to have a cry which I try not to do. I had a really bad day with DH and life didn't seem to be worth living, so hope tomorrow will be better.
I wish my DH would sleep more, he doesn't sleep through the day and wakes constantly through the night.
I've been having personal care in the way of showering for him done by an agency, but the last few days he has been in a stew about " when someone comes" in case he wants to go to the toilet. He goes every five minutes in case and is starting to really turn it on from about lunch time even though I tell him she won't come till 5o'clock - perhaps I will have to stop the service or he will drive me mad. I assure him that I will ask the aide to wait until he goes to the toilet, but it makes no difference.
sylvia, never tell him they are coming and they know how to get him in the shower. For awhile Home Health Care was coming and he really resisted showers but this is nothing new for them and they would sweet talk him into the bathroom.
Unfortunately he still knows just enough to know that "someone will come" and that is the problem. When he gets to the stage where he doesn't remember, it will be easier - it's amazing that he forgets most things I would like him to remember, and remembers the things I would like him to forget !!
Well I found out yesterday to cry if I needed to. We had just gotten to church and the opening song started. I don't know why but I teared up. And then it happened, I started crying and could not stop.I had to leave, I went to a back room and my DD youth leader was in there and she just gave me the biggest hug and let me cry. After a bit I was able to pull myself back together. But it just came out of nowhere. The youth leader and I talked for awhile, her father has AD. She was so sweet just what I needed. I still feel close to tears now, I think it is Christmas and the new year coming up, I have always looked forward to the new year. Now this year, I know it can only bring more sorrow. And not just for me but for so many friends of mine, including you all here. My heart breaks for us all. I am so sorry we are here, but at the same time so very thankful to have each of you in my life. Thanks for letting me talk.
blue, that's what I meant when I said that sometimes the tears just come & you can't stop them. It also happened to me in church. DH had a minor meltdown & Almost disrupted the service. Thankfully everyone knows the situation & an observant usher took him out & calmed him down. Lately I have had tears in my eyes more than I want to, but it just happens. I also agree with what you said about hristmas & the New Year. (((HUGS))) to you & all my family here.
Bev - I like and agree with what you said 'I have just gotten use to the situation'. I have those times. Right now we are living more of our dream - going south for the winter, the big RV/flea market in Quartzsite next month, etc. I am glad we are hear and on our way down I could pretend all was normal. He surprises me in that we have been here 2 weeks and is remembering how to get around and back to the RV park. He doesn't remember the street names but does remember the landmarks. And he has had trouble remembering not to drink the tap water - has to use bottled water. He doesn't notice the salt taste but I sure do. The water won't hurt him, I just want him to have the purer water.
I was thinking yesterday how hard it must be for him to learn all these new places and how well he is handling it. Could be cause he wants to still travel. I kick myself for sitting around almost 2 years after the diagnosis - wasted time that we could have been traveling. Besides being in shock I was thinking he would go fast and I didn't want to be caught out on the road with him totally dependent. I still fear that - in the back of my mind it is there. I can't think about it though cause when I do 'fear, panic, anxiety, etc.' come visit and I don't want to deal with any of it - that is when the tears will come. I wish I had somewhere private to go cry but he always wants to go whether in the car or when I want to walk. I can't tell him I don't want him to go! And if I do get off by myself then I don't feel like crying.
I do know tears help. Marsh - when I was going through counseling I cried almost from the beginning until the session ended 1 1/2 hours later. But then I had a lot of pain that needed let out. Of course I also let the pain out by cutting. Hope I don't go back to that as it is an addiction too. Wish I could cry if I want to - maybe that is why I love the oldies so much.
selwynfarmer, after hearing me complain about a hole in my bucket, my dear sweet aquired daughter told me to do what she has done, Turn the bucket over and sit on it. So there you go...........................
I simply cannot cry, I dont know why, this situation is hopeless. My husband is stage 4 or 5 I think after looking at the stages. I previously thought he was 5 or 6 but he s not that bad yet, thankfully. In fact these past couple weeks he has been doing very well. One of the main problems is his anxiety, OCD. He wants me here all the time, I would LOVE a small vacation away but dont think it is going to happen. He gets very angry if Im gone for a hr or two. I feel I need to cry for all we have lost, but I cant. Then I tell myself to be thankful things are no worse than they are right now, and I truly am, but I guess Im on eggshells waiting for the next stage and what it may bring.
Ky - I am like you. I didn't cry the first couple years - it has only been in the last few months. About last May someone said something that made me realize I had spent 1 1/2 years sitting around waiting for him to die when he is very much alive and can still do some of our dream. So I cried some (in private), argued with my others, cried a little more and decided we would travel while he can. As with any loss, you will go through it in layers. Some here are more emotional than others and that is OK. Some may cry very little if at all. Some people are able to just ignore what is lost and take each day as it comes. I am only 58 and not ready to act that way although much of the time it take it one day at a time which is the easiest way.
Charlotte, Im glad you are traveling. We have bee n on several trips this year, but weather is bad now so probaly here until spring anyway. I just hope the symptoms dont worsen. that is the thing, you cant count on that. Does your husband still driVE? mINE DOES VERY LITTLE. He is in complete denial, we dont talk about it.
Yes, my husband still drives. When he sees his nuero she always ask about it. He gets lost easily but his driving and reactions are totally appropriate. I have told him when they start not to be, he will stop driving. There have been idiots that have moved in front of us and his reactions were appropriate - foot off pedal hit horn, and other things that show me he is still able to do that safely. I know there are those here that think once the diagnosis is made they should stop but we all know this disease affects different parts of the brain differently for each one. For my hb his driving is still good as is his reactions. The doctor said since he gets lost to not drive alone and he is fine with that.
Back to cry if I want to: I wanted to this morning when I saw the news on Facebook that Mawzy and Faye had lost their husbands last night. I wanted to share my sorrow with my husband but you can't. He would totally understand and I fear make him feel bad. I think one of the fears we all face is waking up in the morning, turning to our spouse and find they had died during the night. My husband wears a CPAP right now - I wonder if he dies if the air would just gush out his mouth but then that happens now. My heart and silent tears go out for them and all of us.
Charlotte, My DH was never a good driver to start with. I was glad when his doctor said no driving. Miss the help it was to me but no worry either. Glad your DH is still a good driver. Like you said different parts of the brain.
The major problem with continuing to drive once there is a diagnosis is this: No one can tell just when impaired judgment will affect driving until it happens ... and then it is too late. No doctor can predict just when someone with AD will hit the accelerator instead of the brake, or turn right when meaning to turn left, or misjudge the speed of oncoming traffic when waiting to turn, etc. So the safest bet is simply to stop driving upon diagnosis. Getting lost is already a sure sign that some parts of the brain that affect driving are already impaired. Don't want to sound 'holier than thou' ... and refusing to let my wife drive anymore restricted my freedom as well as hers as I now need to take her everywhere ... but it is the safest course of action upon an AD diagnosis.