I was kind of shocked today by some questions from our home health aid. She is in our home 6 days a week so she knows pretty much all of my business without having to ask any questions. Today is asked me if I have stop having sex with my wife. I told her yes, that it was too much like abusing a child. Not that I know what that is like, but it is the feeling I have and I am no longer attracted to my wife. I will take care of her but I have no sexual attraction to her any more. She was really shocked by my answer and before we could discuss it much more my DW walks outside and wants to know what is going on, why are we standing in the cold outside talking. I like the lady, and she does a great job taking care of the house and my wife, but I think she has crossed the line and before I could tell her so, we got interupted.
I plan to talk with her more about what I think her job is, and where it is not.
That was an awkward spot to be put in, and I hope that you won't have to deal with any more like it. It's really difficult for me when someone crosses a boundary, and the best I can offer is this: Since you like the lady, and she does a good job, ignore this one mistake of hers as if it didn't happen. It may be that the question was out before she thought, and she's already feeling bad about asking it. But be prepared for any further inappropriate questions and have a couple of answers ready and rehearsed. A lot depends on the person and what might get through to them. Didn't Ann Landers used to suggest turning it back on them by saying, "But why would you want to know that?" Or you could pretend you didn't hear her, or you could change the subject. In any case, third time and she's out. I'm sure the others will have better ways to suggest to handle this.
Unless your DW was acting out and this woman was questioning why she had no right to ask you such a question. I would certainly ask her what prompted this question and if the answer is not anything related to her care then I would give her the boot. WHo knows what else she'll be asking.
I think the two answers above are good. This woman definitely crossed the line and I'd be ready in case she did it again. Personal questions such as that have no place in caring for your wife.
I seem to remember a case where a man visited his wife at a nursing home and while there on his visits would have sex with his wife. The nursing home found out and he was then charged with having sex with someone who could not speak for herself anymore and therefore it wasn't consentual. I don't know how that case turned out, but I would wonder if this woman would have turned you in if your answer had been "yes". I wouldn't trust her to be looking out for you so I would not answer anymore personal questions.
moorsb, she definitely overstepped her boundaries by asking you that question. I would find a time when you can talk to her, ask why she wanted to know such personal information and its relevance to her caring for your wife. And then I would tell her that you did not appreciate being asked such a personal question and don't expect that she will ask anymore. I'd just put it out there that you're unhappy with that situation.
The key for me is that I'm quite happy with the person's work; but, an overstep has occurred. Outright dismissal would likely be an overreaction and discussion would clarify positions. I would use LFL's approach exactly. Why did she want to know this and (especially) what's it's relevance to her caring for your wife.
Having given her an opportunity to speak to it, you can then clarify for her the boundries of this relationship which is your right and under your control.
It's just like having an employee. When we're satisfied with their work; but, take issue with something specific they do we don't fire them - we make the issue clear. Then it's over to them.
You're already on this which your last sentence makes clear. Since so much is invested here where the stakes are high (finding a replacement that's at least equally satisfying while under the duress of AD) it's probably good to remind ourselves that we have every right to react - but it's in our best interest to manage our reaction and just make the line clear.
First, document this incident as to time, place and discussion with this aid. It was entirely inappropriate for her to ask such a question and is beyond the bounds of professional behaviour. It is none of her business if you have relations with your wife or paint her nails!
Second, I would finish that discussion simply telling her that her question was inappropriate and that such questions will not be entertained, and it will not happen again. ( what was she offering her services/S)
Third, if this kind of thing ever happens again, report it and any other incidents to the agency she works for unless she is a private hire in which case it will be grounds for dismissal.
We had an aid, a private hire, that I found out was passing herself off as my dad's wife after my mom had died! I set people straight. She did other things that were not appropriate and thanks go the good MAN above she broke her hip when visiting her sister and that ended her time with us.
We had other aids that tried to lay claim to my mother's things and one went so far as to send her things to goodwill after she died..I found out about this and stopped her things from going out the door and this woman was let go.
Keep things of value, sentimental or otherwise, under lock and key. Some aids wait until there is a certain comfort level achieved before they start to become more intrusive..we liked some of these aids at first and then found where they were snooping and doing other things that got them fired. Always keep your alert button at the ready..You cannot be too careful.
I could go on with the abuse at the hands of people who started off well and we liked...some are very good others are opportunists and it is difficult to tell which is which at first.
Give this aid the benefit of the doubt this time only after clearing the air but stay alert...
Just interested...IS she with an agency???? Be very careful.
Many scary stories out there about how aides move in and take over. One church friend shared with us recently that the aid they had working with her mother and father (both in their 90's) would talk Dad into taking her out to dinner at $$$$$ restaurants and leaving Mom at home. She didn't know this was happening until a neighbor found Mom walking in the street looking for her husband. She later learned that she had been writing checks to the utility companies, credit card companies, etc., and having DAD sign them...(helping out)...and it occurred to her that she could easily write a few checks to herself while doing that. They let her go, but it was NOT an easy dismissal, with many threats and accusations from the aid. We all told our friend that all of that protesting sounded fishy....and she needed to audit some of her parents accounts asap.
She is with an agency as that is a requirement of the LTC Policy. She is german and really keeps the house clean. She does well with DW and probably a little too close. I do not want to think about loosing her and she probably knows that. She used to work in an AZ unit in a nursing home and she like this better. She comes in and cleans house, gives the wife a bath and then sits and watches TV with her, she also does her hair and nails every week. It frees me to do what I need to. We live out in the country and there is not alot of resources so we are very glad to have her help, I just need to communicate to her that she has crossed the line, without being heavy handed.
moorsb, it may not ever come up again and if it does you will not be surprised and will have a good answer ready. She sounds like a competent person and they are hard to find.
WATCH OUT WITH THIS ONE. My aunt had a bout with colon cancer. I was with her for the entire summer while she had the surgery and healed prior to the start of some chemo and radiation. I had to return home after 3 months with her. My aunt's sister got a woman, a German I think she was by the accent, and over the phone was " so concerned". She was concerned alright to the point I could not talk to my aunt..I called my aunt's sister about this..oh K is a good woman, keeps the house clean etc..well things went missing, and I got so fed up that I was getting ready to drive the 3 hours to LA to go kick in the door if need be. My aunt actually called and whispered into the phone..she never got my cards and letters, she never got the messages that I called and I think this woman was keeping my aunt drugged. Then my aunt whispered if she got caught on the phone she would be in trouble. I called my aunts sister again ( she and her lawyer son had POA) and told her what was going on and I was going down, I would not be put off anymore by this woman. It was not long after that call that I got a call from my aunt's sister that she and her husband had gone to the house and were shocked to find my aunt had fired her..they were shocked, still thought that woman was just fine..salt of the earth....could not be replaced there were none like her... They were not there and this woman was two faced..but I saw through it having dealt with this with my parents. Just be careful and by the way, check on references..Your wife is lucky that you are there..but do not let this woman gain control....if you lose control you will face some real trouble. Get that agency to share with you the references and make sure there was a police check too..some states require that.... I will admit I am pretty jaded with in home care after the theft and abuse I found out about..If I had to have in home help for my DH I would go to the costs of having cameras installed. I do not trust anyone.
So glad I read this. I had a well known and recommended agency come out and I was very impressed. We set up a date and time to have their person stay with dh. Well, the woman came and I was ready to leave but she wanted to talk. What she wanted was to become a very close part of the family (on her time). I was very uncomfortable with that and called the agency. They informed me that they tell their people this is a job and should not get personally involved.
What I don't like about these agencies is that they don't lift and don't give medication. If I need them to come out and take care of dh while I go overnight, they can't give him his meds. They seem to be glorified housekeepers who can help with the AD person (if you teach them what to do).
A couple of weeks ago we had a visit from a home care nurse from our health insurance (they contract with the company). After the initial interview, I was sent a form to sign giving them control over any decisions regarding my dh. I was so shocked at this and did not want to have anything else to do with them and told them so. To me, this meant put him in a home and forget about him.
Getting someone to help is not easy. If we want a cook and housekeeper it is ok. But if we want someone who is capable and honest with our loved one, that takes much trial and error on our part.
The person who helps us at present really is a glorified housekeeper, my husband doesn't need much help except with his chaos. I would prefer to treat her as an employee, with clear boundaries, but she really wants to be friends. I go along with that somewhat (though I wouldn't to the extent of the question you were asked) because I find her cooperative, hard-working, and honest and want her to like the job.
brindle--I have been using an agency for over and year now, and they do give my husband his medications. I set them up in the daily pillbox and they take it from there. Perhaps you had a communications problem re this? Once the pills are dispensed from the original containers and put into a daily box, etc., to me it is no different from giving food. The responsibility lies with ME to do the setup properly. I know that in facilities, the aides need a different certification to give out medications (med tech), but they are in total control of the drugs in that case.
my agency caregivers also will give DH his meds but i drop them into his applesauce prior to leaving and tell them the time to give once i am gone. i have never had an issue with this either. i think like marilyn suggests, leave them out of the bottle with a written notice when/how to give.
here i think its a positive that caregivers want to be friendly and get to know us. the impersonal attitude of some agency workers doesnt create a very harmonious atmosphere so i welcome them becoming part of the family. they should be able to 'bond'; with the person they care for if possible at least in my opinion. but then asking personal info should be kept to a mimimum if you are uncomfortable with it. some of us have gone thru various aides to find the right mix. divvi
My agency will also give my DW her meds. I have them in a pillbox dispenser.
My DW has really bonded with her caregiver over the past few months. She looks forward to her time with her and certainly considers her a friend. The caregiver truly has been a blessing for our family.
That said, there has to be a line drawn between information needed to provide care and personal/intimate details. Maybe the caregiver was asking because your LO raised the issue? I’d certainly continue the conversation.
Our aide gives DH his medication, however based on the policy booklet the agency provided when we engaged them, it clearly states that he is not allowed to under their policies. Actually the policies provide many restrictions, which if he adhered to them he would only be a companion/housekeeper and not be of any significant help in caring for DH. It is my opinion that the non-American caregivers try to become close to the family because some of that is their culture and I don't mean to be untrusting, but I also think they may be motivated by personal gain. Our aide is very good with both of us and has gained DH's trust. Of course he has his quirks, but so I we so all in all it's working.
I did have one aide who asked about where I got everything and what I paid. Although I have everything of value locked up, it made me uncomfortable, but I think it was just her personality. She had other issues as well, and I asked the agency owner for someone else. I agree with Divvi, there is some trial and error involved to find the right person, after all, they are coming into your home and you are entrusting them with you LO's care. I would not keep using someone who I am not completely happy with.