I need your thoughts on something. My DH has to go everywhere with me (unless my daughters are available to stay with him). Anyway, where ever we go he talks to anyone & everyone he can. If he says Hi to someone & they make eye contact he stops & talks to them. I feel embarrassed at times, but I’m not sure if I need to. Here is what happened yesterday: Yesterday when we were at Wal-Mart he kept talking to people. I was walking ahead of him & I’d turn around & he’d be 10 feet behind me talking to someone. It was really frustrating until I actually watched him. Once he stopped to talk to a lady in one of the electric carts & she really seemed to enjoy talking to him. In fact most of the people seemed to smile when he spoke to them. Maybe I’m being too hard on him. He is still such a social person & he doesn’t say anything offensive. I guess that lately I’m just in so much of a hurry trying to get everything done for the holidays that I just don’t have the time to wait while he talks to everyone. Maybe I should just stop & smell the roses (& let him be him). Do you think I should feel embarrassed or should I just take the time to let him be him?
Elaine...NEVER be embarrassed about anything with disease...My dw does this constantly, especially at WalMart. I have noticed that she is particularly attracted to black people.....(I Think there is more contrast with the lighting and she notices them more. I have lost her countless times, and I usually will find her in some aisle talking to someone. I particularly hate the checkouts, because in the blink of an eye, she disappears while I am busy paying. I then launch a full blown search, and I usually find her anywhere talking to someone....I find it very frustrating and annoying, but this disease has no rules, and as the caregiver, I need to accept and tolerate it... If she recognizes someone, she will often yell as loud as possible...HI!!!!!, and that embarrass me greatly, and it is fun to see so many people jump away from their carts, and give dirty looks....I have learned that nothing can embarrass me anymore....Anything inappropriate can be blamed on AD, and that covers my embarrassment. I do notice that people cannot wait to get away from her, and try to be polite, but you can tell that they are trying to change the subject and leave....and others will quickly leave the line and go to other registers. Somehow it is comforting to know that someone else is experience this treat, and that I am not alone in the frustrations.
Back in the day, this is what people did - talk to each other - be pleasant to one another - notice one another. I would take this as a positive side affect of DH's condition (as long as he is not saying anything offensive). I think the world would be a better place if we ALL reached out to connect positively with the people in our paths each day - even if they are strangers. You never know when someone could really use a kind word... I guess, Elaine, you need to start padding your time estimates for your Walmart trips - start with the amount of time it used to take - then add 30 minutes for "visiting" :)
Mine does the same thing - he will talk to anyone! I have found that most of them enjoy his attention to them - especially the elderly ladies who are alone, but also the men who are alone. When he first started doing this, I was more impatient with him than embarrassed, but now I am neither. As long as he is happy and not saying anything offensive - and he has never done that - I just stand behind him a little and smile. Sometimes I will flash my card saying he has ALZ, but other times, I think they know and most are very kind. Yes, Mary, back in the day, we DID stop and talk to people. We should all do it more often.
Jeff loves to interact with people. I almost dread if someone smiles or says hi, or acknowledges him because it's a given that he will then think it's time to stop and fully engage that person, as opposed to just passing by with a friendly nod. And it's not that Jeff really has anything to say--in general he doesn't--he just wants to face them and smile as if a full-scale conversation is what they had in mind.
I really wish my husband was verbal again. He doesn't talk very much and although he does smile sometimes, he as stopped laughing like he once did..just a little chuckle at times.
Thank you all for responding. Like Phranque :) says. it makes me know that I'm not the only one this happens to. mary22033 I think I will take your advice & plan more time in my Walmart trips (right after the holidays!)
Elaine, I could have written exactly what you did...word for word. When I think he's right behind me, I look back and he's talking to someone, especially if they have children. They seem to enjoy the attention he gives the kids.
One experience, though, was coming out of Kroger. I went ahead to unlock the trunk for the groceries and I thought he was right behind me pushing the cart. When I got to the car, I looked back and he was talking to some woman. She was insisting on helping get the groceries in the car. I told her we could manage just fine but she followed us to the car and grabbed the bags and put them in the trunk. Then she asked for money. She said some church was supposed to meet her there and give her some money and they didn't show up. She gave a pitiful story about not having any food in the house and that she had left her kids at Starbucks while she met the church person.
My DH just pulled out his wallet and handed her some money. When we got in the car, I said "I think you've just been had." He said "well, she didn't have any food for her kids." Ok, Starbucks was right around the corner so guess what I did? I stopped, went inside and there was not a kid in the place.
My husband doesn't stop and talk to others but he stops and looks at every display,and he has always loved small children so he will stop and point at them and laugh.It does make some mothers uncomfortable,I try to discreetly mention his illness to them and that he means no harm.I always tell them what a beautiful child they have,that they like.
Elaine--I would not be upset with my husband talking to people--social interaction is a normal part of life. When you think about some of the potential negative behaviors that can accompany AD (anger, aggression, wandering, losing large sums of money due to poor judgment, etc.)--some extra chatting with strangers pales by comparison, don't you think? Perhaps you could consider cutting down on the shopping you do for the holidays if taking your husband with you creates extra stress. I know that shopping isn't the same for me if DH is along--he has a time limit and then wants out of the store!
My husband was always polite but not particularly social. A few years ago he'd take walks around the neighborhood and in doing so would often encounter another man doing the same thing, coming from a different direction. They'd stop and talk and talk and talk, which surprised me. Turns out that he, too, had dementia.. they're both past walking the neighborhoods now, but while it lasted it was fun to watch!
My husband embarrasses me. At first I didn't want anyone to know he had dementia. But, that changed. I want everyone to know because then they'll understand why he talks the way he does. He goes around and around in circles with his conversation. It takes him forever to get out what he really wants to say. He'll use a word that doesn't even make sense to the conversation. He was talking about deer hunting to some man and instead of using the word deer he said cow. If he talks to strangers it's embarrassing. He wants to be funny but instead he's just weird. I try to cover for him so that the other person doesn't feel awkward. If your dh makes people smile that's better than feeling uncomfortable.
It's much better, Mag. The more you can smile in this long journey, the more you can see the funny side, the better off you'll be. Dementia should be no more embarrassing than, say, a broken ankle. As long as your spouse isn't being furious or dangerous, just enjoy the off-kilter stuff. Make yourself a card describing his dementia, as many do, to hand out if you need it.
My husband has always watched football, baseball and hockey. When we would go to hockey games he was very vocal. Watching on TV he has always been quiet -until lately. Yesterday he was watching the Patriots game and yelling. He said he needs to be quiet and I asked 'why'? I find he is getting more vocal watching TV. He is also into talking more with others and I often just walk away so I do not need to risk being embarrassed.