My DH couldn't tell me how but he said that his feelings for me have changed. I don't know what that means but I felt like he had hit me in the stomach. I still love him but I can feel my feelings changing also, I haven't said it out loud because then it would feel more real but I can see how we mourn for our spouses before they are even gone. How do you deal with the changed feelings that you have for each other. It can't make taking care of them any easier or can it?
Not knowing where you are, stage-wise, I can only address this in a general way. At this point, if J said that to me, I'd just smile and say "okay."
The fact of the matter is that many people--me definitely among them--cannot be caregiver to a person who is losing every personality and intellectual characteristic that bonded me to him 26 years ago, and maintain any sense that we are (pick one) equals/soul-mates/best friends/lovers. It just ends. That's all there is to it. The marital relationship will, inevitably, transform as his brain transforms.
You are, eventually, caring for your spouse in a relationship that is entirely vertical. In other words--you are in charge/you are the adult/you are the one who must maintain perspective. If your feelings don't change over the course of this evolution, then I'm going to be mighty surprised.
So, for him to say that to you could mean different things, depending on his stage. If he still has much insight at all, he might correctly be picking up on your changing perspective, and he's expressing feelings that reflect that. If he's farther along, and memory is quite impaired, then saying "my feelings have changed" might be a fleeting whim of mood which could be completely different tomorrow, or in an hour.
At any rate, there's nothing "wrong" with it, any more than what's wrong with AD in the first place. It's just one of the changes we have to roll with.
I think the marital relationship is gone, it is now just me honoring our marriage of 21 yrs. I owe her that. I know that she understands the situation and she is keeping a positive out look on things.
It could be that as his brain is dying he is being taken back in time, to the time when he wasn't married and is a young boy before he met you. It probably won't be long and he will be looking for his mother. It is so sad for both of you, just always remember the love he truly has for you and would remember if it wasn't for this disease.
Emily has completely nailed it and as moorsb said the marital relationship goes and is gone long before our AD spouse is. It really is about what we've decided we owe them.
If we are hurt beyond the moment by what our spouse says then we are not dealing with the reality of AD. We can't watch them confused saying weird stuff and yet hold them accountable. And if we seperate personal things they say as real then we are in denial.
That may be a bit harsh; but, since this gets worse the sooner we get it - the more we are able to deal with this.
Feelings change for the caregiver because reality is changing by the bucketload. My wife tells me ten times a day at least that she loves me and that I am really, really good looking. That doesn't mean anything. She can hardly hold a fork properly or understand how to pick up pizza or put on a sock. I would be in denial if I thought "oh she still loves me'. She needs me. My cat gets that too. Yes it hurts but all of this does.
On the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - on the left side, there is a resource titled "Relationship Breakdown and Repair". I wrote it when I started this website in 2007. It addresses the issue you are discussing. Things have changed for me even more in the 3 1/2 years since I wrote it. Our social workers tell us that eventually, we will morph completely from spouse to caregiver. Here is an excerpt from my Relationship resource:
"Let’s face it – we all married our spouses for particular REASONS. We didn’t just spin a wheel with names on it and choose one. We chose them for their special characteristics that we loved. In that person we chose as a life partner; maybe we saw strength, humor, intelligence, warmth, and kindness. Maybe you liked the rebel, the outsider, the wild one. It doesn’t matter. You had reasons for your choice.
But what happens when the person you married no longer exhibits those characteristics? At this point, I am not talking about the later stages of the disease when your spouse no longer recognizes you. I am talking about the early stages when they actually appear “normal” to the outside world, and can, with your notes, reminders, and guidance, still function. But they are slowly losing the characteristics you fell in love with. What happens when you look across the breakfast table at a stranger? You are no longer eating with your husband/wife, your partner, the person you chose because they were ambitious, intelligent, sexy, fun to be with, kind and supportive. In their place is a whiny, special needs child, who cannot function unless you write down what they need to do for the day in detail, one step at a time. If they were outgoing and friendly, maybe now they are withdrawn and quiet. Or if they were the strong, silent type, maybe now they are prone to unpredictable public outbursts. If they were loving and supportive, maybe now they appear distant and uncaring, wrapped up in their own obsessions. What good is conversation? Tomorrow they will remember none of what you discussed today.
The person you fell in love with and married is disappearing. Ambition replaced by lethargy; humor replaced by anxiety and anger; intelligence replaced by cognition so slow and so impaired that they cannot follow a conversation; a memory so wrecked that they cannot remember what you said to them five minutes ago. Control replaced by verbal impulsiveness so unexpected and random that you hold your breath in the presence of others, praying they won’t blurt out something offensive and inappropriate. Furtive, knowing, private, sexual glances replaced by eye and hand signals to stop talking- you’ve told that story to these people twice before; stop rambling- there is an end to a story.
MOURNING YOUR LOSS They are losing the characteristics you loved, and you are coming to the horrifying realization that you do not like the person who took your loved one’s place; you are coming to the realization that the relationship you had is gone. Although my husband is not yet as advanced as some of the above descriptions, our relationship has been forever altered. I tried for so long to make things be the way they were, to recapture the “team” we had been for so many years. The man with whom I had shared so many memories and future dreams was disappearing. The man with whom I laughed, cried, and leaned on when I was down, whom I held up when he was down, the man who was truly the “other half” of our team was disappearing.
Then the pain comes; then the sadness; then the acceptance. My advice to all of you is to accept the pain and sadness – it is real, and it hurts like Hell, but if you don’t let yourself feel it and acknowledge it, you will never be able to move on. Have I moved on? I don’t know. I guess so – I’ll never stop feeling sad over what I lost, but what my good friends in my support group made me realize is that we need to focus on what we still have rather than what we have lost. "
As I said, I wrote this over 3 years ago, and now, although Sid is still functional, social, and still able to fool outsiders, there is so little left of the man I fell in love with that the "morphing" from spouse to caregiver marches on relentlessly.
Joan, thank you so much for sharing that with me and I will look for that section on the main page. It is exactly how I feel. Emily, I agree with phranque, you are dead on accurate. My DH is still in the stage where he knows who I am but what I am is changing over time. I never want to be in denial. You remember the book "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" (I think that is the title) I feel like I am doing that with this disease. I am feeling all the emotions that come along with this disease but I still have to deal with them whether I am ready or not. moorsb, I agree that the marital relationship is gone. We all must show a lot of loyalty for taking care of someone who is no longer who we married. What I think I get out of this is that whatever they say to not take it personal or we would become basket cases.