I have a question for everyone. In our support group, the social workers were thinking about having us all bring in wedding pictures and give each couple a chance to tell the story of how they met and fell in love; proposed; and married.
I can't decide if that's a good or bad idea. Sometimes I think reliving the good times makes me appreciate that I was blessed enough to have such a good marriage and relationship. Other times I think it just makes me even sadder to think that it didn't last forever. (Although things have been going very smoothly lately)
What do you think? Is it a good idea to revisit the best of what you had or will it just make you miserable?
I think it depends on how your marriage was before AD. Both my husband & I were married before. I know what it's like to be have a bad marriage. I like to look back on all the great times we've had together. I feel so blessed to have terrific kids have never got into drugs, a husband that stayed faithfull to me, and to be able to live in a somewhat upscaled lifestyle.
For Christmas my daughter put together a phot album for my husband. We will often look at it and are thankfull for all the wonderful memories we share.
I like to remember the good stuff. It's important. Among other reasons, it helps me keep in mind who this person is that I'm taking care of, and why. Obviously, living in the past is not a good thing--you need to find pleasure and interest in the present, even if your foci are different ones, but it's part of valuing who my husband is as a person, despite his degenerative condition, to recall the good things.
I like to remember the good times. In a way it is sad because I remember all the plans we had and know they will never happen. But remembering the good times helps me remember Bill as he was.
Thinking it over, and reading your comments, I think you are all right about remembering the good times - they remind us who the person was and why we love them.
Joyce - this goes along with your idea about a blog topic on how we met our spouses.
I will be going home with so many ideas for blog topics and new information topics for the left side of the website. I didn't have time to write much on this trip, but that didn't stop the ideas from racing into my brain.
i believe that I have a sacred obligation to perpetuate and retain the memories my sweetheart and I had of our life together since he no longer can do so. Memories are an intregel component of our reasoning and thinking process, they are a part of who we are.. Through my memory of aspects of my husband's views, conversations, his marvelous humor, intellect, and his abillity to converse about a myriad of topics. I keep his essense alive for others and myself. Sometimes the memories are sad to recall and know that he doesn't or isn't able to remember with me but the important thing is that I retain them for both of us.
I agree with Leighanne with all on my plate I don't get much pleasure thinking of our past good times. At our young age I think more on how EOAD has robbed us of future good times, seeing our kids grow together, travel in our retirement years, companionship ,just living with your spouse to your golden years. Now as the burden has been placed all on me I find myself more depressed.
I really feel for you. I can't imagine raising young kids and dealing with your wives illness at the same time.
I meant to post earlier when you mentioned about friends not wanting to have you over for dinner. We have lost some good friends that we got together with several times a month. My husband says that they are probably afraid that it's contagious. I find it's easier now to become more involved with support groups even though I'm still in my fourties.
Lately I'm having problems thinking about the good times. I miss the old John and really having problems dealing with the new one. Right now, we're all tired of the "time I broke my ankle" story. I know it's important for him to share these things, but you can only listen to the same story so many times.
Memories are for reliving and reliving the good times we had is good for me. Now we have so many bad times we need to not forget there were good times.
I think that my memories of the good times are what get me through this. I was in a good marriage to a good man for almost 20 years. He passed away and God gave me a second chance with a wonderful man and a wonderful marriage. He is the love of my life and that is the only thing that makes me able to mop up the pee, live in silence and have no social life. Had we not had such a great marriage that left me with the wonderful memories, I know I couldn't do it.
Tonight at dinner I told the other couple one of my favorite memories: My mother, age 100, was in a nursing home and had stopped eating or drinking. I tried to get her to eat her lunch, but she told me to eat it. I replied that M had lunch at home for me. She responded with "She's a good wife". I said "yes, the best". She then got a twinkle in her eye and said "and I picked her out for you". This is absolutely true. I was looking for a date for a square dance in high school and she suggested M. I never dated another girl seriously after that dance. I was 14 years old at the time.
Sounds a bit like my story, Marsh. My MIL was the one who suggested to my husband that he ask me for a date. I was 15 at the time. Same thing happened with my daughter--her MIL picked her out.
I cannot think about the good times anymore, its to gut wrenching. It only makes me miss the man I fell in love with more. Its been easier to think of him as patient that I am caring for. My heart can not take another moment of what this disease has done to our lives.
Magnollarose - Hang in there with the rest of us. We need your support and you need ours. We are all in the same boat and sometimes it feels like it is sinking.
reliving memories is what this is all about... at least we can remember ...I can not tell you how many time I would look over to my husband and say do you rememberwhen we .....and of course he couldn't and now all I have are my memories some great and recently not so good. but for right now i still have them..
magnoliarose ((hug)) I am with you. I have to dig deep to recall any happy times, and once I do -I find it hurts too much to go back there. So I don't. *sigh
My DH is not at a very high stage and still wants a sex life at the same level we used to have. Between the exhaustion from being in charge of EVERYTHING and the difficulty transitioning from caregiver to lover, our activity has decreased from daily before AD to once a week. He still is at the 'daily' level and I periodically have to reassure him about how I do still love and desire him, as well as other stuff that indicates he still has value. So far, when I tell him I'm exhausted, need to get up to get the new tires, etc, he does not press the issue. I do some 'pretending' as he isn't as coordinated as before, so it's not as good for me. My psychologist suggested I fantacize about someone as a way to get/stay interested in sex. I thought and thought about who to fantacise about. I finally hit upon my 'before' husband.' Really, this is about as realistic a fantasy as some movie star. But hey, it works for me. I assume that as he declines, this will decline too.
The phrase "he is not as coordinated as he used to be" really struck home with me. Thinking back, I realize that one of my husband's first symptoms was that he had "lost his rhythm" when it came to sex.
We traveled a great deal during our marriage. Ralph was always excited when he saw a place on TV that we had visited. It always brought back such happy memories and we could talk about that particular place. When I was visiting him yesterday, the travel chanel was playing, and a show about Italy was on. How sad it was for me to know he doesn't recall our happy times traveling there. I had to leave the room so he would not see my tears. I cherish our good times together, but at certain times, like yesterday, it does hurt.
Last year we had a photo of ourselves on one of those photo postage stamps I bought at Costco. This year I hesitated, since Hank is gone now. Then I thought, 'why not'? and have 20 stamps to use for birthdays and special cards this year. The photo was taken last May when we had our wonderful GrandLuxe train trip. Every time I put one of those stamps on a card I remember the last time we traveled by train and it reminds me to be forever grateful for my marriage to a wonderful man.
My Dh and I (he's 68, I'm 64) have only been married for only 3 1/2 years (he was dx 2 1/2years ago), we dated for 4 years. So in my case, getting married held the delightful prospect of making new memories as we walk into the sunset together. Unfortunately my husband's recall of our courtship and marriage are vague at best most of the time but he loves for me to tell the tales. Nothing makes him happier than for me to repeat any one of our stories for the umpteenth time. He tears up and loves the emotion of the recalled moment. It took me awhile to understand that I am is memory. A daunting task and some days more than I can bear but I can't let down this lovely man who tells me several times a day, every, that "you are the love of my life."
I think that the fact DH has always told me how much he loves and adores me, even thru the latter stages is what has kept me going. yesterday i made a huge lunch roast w/vegetables, biscuits,rice, waldorf salad, choc cake-i got us both ALL dressed up, and i put on some special gold peices he gave me from our greece trip. my pool guy was out by the pool and when i opened the door he said, wow, yall going to a party? haha! i felt good and so we had a party and listened to the CD's and he watched me dance and clapped his hands and smiled. it was so good to see him happy. then he stood there and didnt remember how to slow dance, it hit me with both barrels, i would never be held while dancing again with the love of my life. brief downpour of tears and then we moved into our feast and cake..lots of cake, have to get my sugar from other sources now..sigh..Divvi