I’ve been considering talking to DH about the foul language he spews when he has angry outbursts. Two years ago, he never used foul language. We both resolved 25 years ago, when we began raising our children that we had to lead by example on this. If we did not want our children cussing, we had to make sure we did not cuss.
I’ve been ignoring DH’s cussing, blaming it on his condition, but I’ve been wondering lately where the line should be drawn between acceptance and enabling. We ignore things because, as I constantly tell my son – it’s not Daddy saying/doing that – it’s his condition. But really, whether this is coming from the condition or not, I’m beginning to think I have to put my foot down with the foul language.
Last night I was blown away by this conversation:
My teenage son: D*mn.
Me: Please don’t use that kind of language. That’s not necessary.
Son: Why not? Everyone else does.
Me: Well, maybe we all need to clean up our language.
DH: I never use cuss words.
My son and I almost fell out of our chairs in astonishment at that declaration. DH uses the foulest of language on almost a daily basis. Anytime anything goes remotely wrong, he blows up yelling and cursing. Always the first thing out of his mouth is, “F*ck! G*d d*mnit! <pause> Sh*t!” It’s like a mantra with him.
And there he sat, claiming he never uses foul language. I wonder if this is anosognosia. I don’t know, but it sure is odd.
mary--I don't know what stage of the disease your husband is in, but in my opinion, there's no point in trying to correct his language. We are years into the disease, and what I've seen is that after a blowup, my husband remembers little of what he did or said. He usually has a vague recollection (emotion) that he did something wrong, and will apologize. However, expecting him to change future behavior because I ask or tell him to would be futile. What has worked for us has been to reduce/eliminate the anger altogether by using an antipsychotic (Seroquel). Has that been considered? I don't know that "enabling" is a real issue vis-a-vis AD; they really have little or no power to control their behavior without medications to help.
My DH doesn't swear, but I think at times he makes inappropriate remarks to some of the women we know. They know what ios going on so they don't make a big deal about it, he is quiet about it so I don't really hear what he says, but it's embarrasing to me. Once I mentioned it to him....I told him not to say anything not appropriate & of course he told me that he doesn't do that. (Yeah, right).
With a limited education and rough life, as well as serving i the Merchant Marines, my DH used a lot of less than stellar language. When I was expecting our Daughter, I told him we (he) really needed to clwan that up. He did try, but what brought it home to him, then, was when she was about 2 1/2. We pulled up to a red light. Just as it turned green for us, a truck flew through the red (the other way)and she sucinctly said, "A**h** driver." (I glanced at DH and turned my heads away to kepe from laughing. He was biting his tongue,and them told DD, Daddy says those words but they really are not nice words especially for little girls, and he's going to try very hard not to say them anymore either. He did try hard and did make progress. I reinforced to her that they weren't good words and that he was trying notm to use them. I just realized in reading this thread, that as his VaD has progressed, his foul language has diminished nearly to zero. Amazing how these things shake out. Just never know.
This lack of awareness of social conventions (i.e., manners) is a function of frontal lobe deterioration. Many of the wives in our FTD group are experiencing the same thing. The inappropriate cursing and sexual advances are typical and very embarrassing in social situations. Since you can not control his behavior, you can only control the situation. True friends will understand that this is the disease. Avoid those who can't understand. A good support group friend of mine just moved into a senior complex and is at her wit's end about her husband's behavior in the dining room. There is no easy answer.
My husband has been diagnosed with MCI. The reason I feel like I am enableing him is that I don't think he is having these outbursts outside of the home (he still works). At least I haven't heard about it. Although I have noticed him losing his temper with his brother (minus the cursing), which he has never done in the past.
At any rate, I decided we will reinstitute the curse jar - offender contributes $1 for each curse word. We used this when my middle son reached the age that he thought it was cool to curse. It's very effective for teens - the don't like to lose that dollar, and for us adults just to stop and make us think when we slip up.
What amazed me was DH's total denial of his cursing. I wonder - is he unaware when he is doing it? Is he simply forgetting right afterward?
I ran across a blog by a man who has Alzheimer's (http://thetripover.com/). It is interesting to read his early entries. After his diagnosis he continues to describe himself as asymptomatic. Obviously he was exhibiting symptoms, which is why his wife and daughter pursued a diagnosis. Yet from his point of view - there's nothing wrong with him.
My life partner once told a woman at church to "go to hell." In the 15 years we've been together I've never known her to swear, ever. And she doesn't remember when she does it either. Don't know where that comes from.
maria I didn't realize you are a new member of our family. I am a recent widow and like you trying to find my way. Welcome to a place of understanding.
Welcome, Maria. I'm just back on the boards after a vacation, and have seen you on a couple discussions. Perhaps you have told us something about yourself on some other thread? (I'm not caught up with reading yet.)
Hi bluedaze and Jeanette, Sorry, guess I don't know the protocol. Never really gave an introduction, just jumped it. It really helps to read and contribute here; kind of cathartic. My life partner, Joyce, died of Alz. after 6 years, on 10/10/10. she was in an alzheimer's facility for the last 10 months. Just adjusting to my new life, missing her a lot. Glad you're all here.
Thank you Maria. Sorry if I implied that there is a protocol, there isn't really, Just good to know something about you. Keep posting whatever you like, on whatever thread you like!
The curse jar may help a little - thing is to remember that you're really dealing with two parts of the disease here: lack of inhibition, and failure to remember things for more than a few minutes. Selectively! You say your husband is still working - have you talked to his boss? I bet he's seeing SOMEthing.
My husband will scream and curse and yell at the top of his lungs for what is usually no reason. This morning he woke me (we sleep in separate rooms; he's bedridden and I would say early 7) cursing like mad. I went in. What's the matter? One of his hands was cramped up into a ball. I tried to open it. He wouldn't let me. Oh, dear has he had a stroke? I said Do you have something in your hand? He said, yes, something very very VERY small. I said can you give it to me to see? And he put "it" (nothing) in my hand. I then did a high five with him and he was happy! And his hand was uncurled, behaving normally.
Husband in advanced stage< what number is advanced, does it matter? gibberish is all he speakes except for cursing which he never did in his other life. Minces no words either, loud and clear. He is not aware of what he is saying, this just comes out and i don't fret cause i can't do a thing about it. I have warned parents of grandchildren to explain to them pawpaw just is sick.