I just placed my husband today and it was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I just want to reassure my self that this is the correct decision. He is moderate/severe and having a lot of problems with falling. The doctor thought it was definately time. He was so hurt and angry when I left I just wonder if he will adjust or will I end up having to bring him home and have 24 hour care. I am so torn.
I just placed my husband this past Monday and he's adjusting pretty well and seems to understand that this is where he lives now. The ALF Memory Care facility is only a few miles away, so I've been over there each day bringing more of his belongings. I had furniture from home moved there so he'd feel at home with his own recliner, chest of drawers, etc. His daughter also lives close and was there today. After a month we're going to taper down the visits so he can become more a part of the group there. It's been so difficult and sad, because I realize that I'm the one who will have to let go. Luckily, I love to clean, so have been doing his closet over, throwing out old things, making trips to GoodWill, tossing some things and saving others. This has kept me busy in a manic sort of way and I'm tired by the end of the day. I framed a small picture of him that I love and put it on my nightstand. This was the man I met eight years ago, and that's how I think of him. I know he's still inside there somewhere.
Sandra and Pris and all who have placed their spouse lately, you are so brave and know in your hearts you are doing the right thing for both of you. i think we all know when its time and we cannot keep them home any longer or once a dr says its time. i am so sorry its come to this time but know others here who have placed theirs will be offering words of wisdom from experience. it would have to be one of the most painful things to accomplish. hugs divvi
You have done the right thing - both of you. In time you will realize you have. Just find the threads and read others experiences most important they go back to feeling more like a spouse than a 24/7 caregiver. You are still there to see they are well taken care of but you can get the rest you need to be a good advocate.
Reading Pris post hit: you pay thousands of dollars but still have to furnish furniture, clothing, personal needs, meds, etc. Does not make sense to me.
They can furnish the studio apt., but I thought he'd be happier with familiar things around him. And their beds are singles, so his daughter went out and bought double for him, because he's a big guy and has been used to the king we slept in.
Sandra, My heart goes out to you, I am sure that placement would be the most difficult thing of this complete journey we are on. I know for me it would be even harder than what I have already endured and that is saying a lot. I can't think of anything that would hurt me more, sometimes those things are out of our hands, we have to do what is needed in order for the loved one to get the care we are unable to deliver. We do our best, we hope it does not come to placement but if it does you have to know you have done so with the most love in your heart and you will still be there for him.
My heart goes out to you. I placed my husband 16 months ago and the pain I felt that night is still with me. I still feel the pain and I will always miss having him here with me, but I try not to second guess myself. I did what I had to do. I could no longer keep him clean and safe and I was feeding him junk because I was too tired to cook. It will get easier. I still go 5 days a week but that is mostly because he does not have the ability to "join in" any of their activities. May the days ahead of you get easier with time.
Sandra, in your heart you will know if you did the right thing by placing, I had many times I just wanted to go and take Bob home with me but in my heart I knew he needed the care of others who knew what to do with him , he was falling, doing his no. 2 duty on the floor, next to the toilet, was not knowing where he was, not knowing me, after a few weeks he settled down and by some miricle he knew who I was again, hang in there sweety.
There does come a time when no one person can take care of an Alzheimer's patient adequately. As many have said, the decision usually comes later, rather than too soon. Don't beat yourself up about this. You would feel worse if he fell because you were just too tired or distracted to notice that there was a puddle on the bathroom floor, and he fell and cracked his head on the toilet bowl. Please take comfort in knowing that you did what was safest and best for both of you.
I will be placing my DW soon and was wondering what others have told your LO before placement. She is in late stage six and I don’t know how much she would understand if I tried to prepare her for placement in advance. Just dropping her off at the care facility just doesn’t seem right to me. I’m not sure I can even do this!
Jerry-your dear wife won't remember much if you tell her ahead of time. She might remember just enough to cause her too much anxiety. The staff should be there to welcome and distract her while you watch from the sideline. There are pros and cons about visiting the first few weeks. For me it seemed every time I visited during the day I had to go back again to calm my husband. On days I didn't visit he was fine (?) No reason you try things both ways and see what suits your needs.
When I put my wife, stage 6, in the hospital while I went on 5 days respite I didn't tell her anything. I just took her to the hospital, got her settled in her room, told her I would be back (but not when) and left. She settled right in with no problem.
I'm so afraid of that day, if it comes. Just the thought of placing him makes me ill. I can even see the look he will give me when, and if, that day comes. I probably shouldn't say this, but I hope something quick, such as a heart attack, will happen so that day will never come. Does my saying this make me a horrid person? I sometimes feel like one...
Bev, that is not a horrible thought. End stage in this disease is more horrible to watch them go through.
Before I placed my husband, I told him that I just wasn't enough to care for him any more so I was putting him somewhere that I would have lots of help. You know your person best and can adjust your words to something that they can understand and accept.
I recently talked with a person who had just placed her husband and she was having trouble leaving him after a visit. He would also get very depressed when she left. I told her what I did. I found a couple of things that my husband would accept. I still work so I would tell him I had to get back to work and would be back later. The other one was that I had to go let the dogs out so they would not pee on the rug and would be back in a bit. I used those for 3 1/2 years and they always worked.
Like therrja I told my husband a couple of days before placement what I was doing and why. Since he can not speak or show reaction, I have no idea what he thought about it but he did walk into the facility of his own free will. After more that a year, I visit almost every day and when I leave I do not use the word "home". I too tell him that I am going to work, to the store or that I have to go feed the cat. He seems very accepting.
My husband went to Daycare at the ALF where he was placed in March. He never mentioned coming home. I think it helped that he knew the staff before he became a resident. I visit every day, when I leave I always say I am going to do laundry, never that I am going home. I really don't think he knows what home is any longer, but, I still never say home.
Jerry, I placed my DH 10 weeks ago. I could not bring myself to be the one to actually drive him to the care home so my stepson and his wife came over, we drugged DH with some xanax on doctor's orders and they took him with no struggle or complaints. I would advise not speaking to her in advance about it. My stepson came both days before placement and talked to his dad, trying to prepare him. It did no good, he did not understand, it upset him and DH forgot the next morning about the previous days' conversation. Because I had asked DS/S to do this for me, I could not critique his approach. Bless you as you face this most difficult action.
I typed a long winded thing and am now thankful I was bumped off..but through it I typed out the feelings that are still right there after 90 days of adjusting to the new normal of placement. DH is actually doing OK. He's not happy but he wasnt' happy at home either. He was agitated at not being able to do what he WANTED to do..At first it was because we deliberately tried to keep him from being able to operate the farm equipment..then he was physically unable to make it work.. So he was sleeping in his chair most of the day and had been reduced to taking the dog for a walk.Then he began to be unable to find his way around..The dog is an escaper so I couldn't rely on the dog to 'bring them both back' home if he got too far away. My adjustment is an ongoing effort. Period. Some days are better than others. Some days I want to bring him home..Some days I feel that he's as content there as he's been anywhere.. Other days I worry about the staff changes and IF they are EVER going to have those things worked out. And some days I'm saddened more by the fact that DH"s brother doesn't visit or call him or me and our son, although polite and talkative when I call to ask how he and his family are, doesn't initiate conversations, come by to see me or ask about either one of us. I suppose that was the most unexpected result of placement and so I try to avoid thinking about it.. I try to bolster myself by saying its their loss if they don't feel like being 'involved' with us.. I dont understand it but my feeling is that by placing DH, I've somehow LOST my son. I know he'll be right there if I need something but thats about as far as our relationship goes right now. He lives 2 miles from our home. Maybe they are just too busy.. The other children are involved and supportive. anyway..nuff on this.. We're going on a two night 'trip'.daughter is going with us.. DH's goal is to GO somewhere so we're going tomorrow!! Should be interestingggg.. Am continually thankful for you allll...
Judy, you've put your finger on one thing I worry about with placement. Will the good people who visit us and call us continue to do so when dh is in a facility and I'm home alone? Most of our friends are friends that we have had as a couple. His brothers also visit us or invite us over as couples. When DH was in respite care last week our DS and family took a long drive to visit him on Sunday afternoon. DS says that his father did not know him or his wife and little girls. He said that the other residents enjoyed the visit more than Pa did. They only got one smile out of him, when the baby pulled herself up by his leg. How much will they come to visit if they get no response?
How other people react is always a surprise. I placed DH three weeks ago and have gotten an interesting set of reactions from the residents here in this retirement facility. A lovely, thoughtful note from one lady, offers to help carry things out to my car when I was still taking belongings over there, and sincere questions about how he's adjusting, not to mention the many people who ask how I'm doing. And the wonderful support from the other three women in our little support group here is so heartwarming. BUT......the surprise is from people we knew fairly well who just walk by and barely acknowledge me with a simple hello. It's as if I've become invisible to them. Perhaps they just don't know what to say, I don't know, but somehow it's not bothering me. It is what it is.