Joan didn't start a discussion for her newest blog, so I'm starting one for her.
The last thing she says in the blog is that she has to just accept that she will have to say the same things to him over and over again. She is wrong. What has to happen at the stage that her husband is in now is to think about WHEN she tells him they are going somewhere. To reduce his anxiety and to save her own sanity she will need to start telling him things closer and closer to when they actually do something. So she won't tell him that he has a doctor's appointment until the day of the appointment, and as he gets sicker, she won't tell him about the appointment until just before they leave, and finally not until they are in the car and possibly, in time, never at all.
It is the constantly changing strategies, the things that worked yesterday that no longer work and won't ever work again, that makes caregivers crazy.
This blog hit home with me! I have had a really hard time accepting that my DH cannot remember ANYTHING. Partly because sometimes he can seem so "normal". It has been a little over 3 years since he was DX'd so you would think by now I would have accepted the not rememebering. I get aggravated when he asks the same thing over and over and I'm sure it shows in my tone of voice. Today I will try and do my best to think TEFLON! We have eye appointments 1November so I have it on a magnetic board on the fridge so he can check it anytime....if he remembers!!!!!
I find it is a mistake for me to tell DH about something that will happen next week. At first he stresses about it, What will I wear, should I take this or that. Then he forgets about it until we get there and he says, you didn't tell me we were going to whatever. I have accepted this. The latest developments are more disturbing. He went to the mailbox to get the mail. We live in a town home and and all the units are somewhat similar. The mailbox is 5 homes down the street. When he did not return, I looked out and did not see him. I got in the car to find him and up he walks up the street. When he came in, I asked where he had gone. He said something vague about Glen. I think he tried to go in the next store neighbor's home. I seen to have to watch him all the time anymore.
You all made excellent points. Yes, I do have to learn not to tell him things in advance. Yes, at times he seems so "normal" that its hard to accept how impaired he is. And absolutely yes - if I don't tell him at least 3 or 4 times within a day of us going somewhere, he says "Why didn't you tell me we were going wherever?"
Starling's statement - "It is the constantly changing strategies, the things that worked yesterday that no longer work and won't ever work again, that makes caregivers crazy. " nails it.
I agree with the opinion telling the LO only when the event is close to the time or date, as appropriate. If my husband knows something important is coming up soon he obsesses about it non stop.working so hard to remember that this is an important date..and it makes me want to drink something stronger than water!!! I tell him, at present, the night before. We got an email from our local paper, wanting to do an article on DH because next month he is go be honored by being inducted into a Hall of Fame. Well I have not responded yet and this email came more than a month ago. I am going to email back and tell the reporter that the article should be done AFTER the event, not before. And he will have to submit to me questions he might ask so I can kind of get DH on the path to getting to the important parts of his interview. And that is has to be short...that sort of thing. If the article comes out before the event he will get calls and this will start the whole ruminating thing which is hard on both of us.
My wife is to the stage where she doesn't ask any questions. When it is time to go somewhere - day care, doctor, etc. - I just get her out of her chair and tell her it is time to go. She doesn't ask where, just comes along. I seldom tell her in advance, and if I do, she usually makes some comment totally unrelated.
Mimi, My DH does the same thing when I tell him what is going to happen too soon, he obsesses big time over it to the point that by the time we go he is exhausted. That is a huge mistake that I have learned not to do. I am so glad that I have begun to read the blogs before I get on the message board. It has really enhanced my knowledge. Teflon brain is what I am dealing with and yes at first I bucked the "system" but I am doing so much better now that I do realize what it is and don't stress the small stuff.
OMG - There is nothing I can add to this discussion cuz you all have said it! I try to remember not to tell my DH about ANYTHING before it happens. He does the exact same things as all of your LO's do & "itsa makin me crazy"! We truely do understand what each other is going through....God Bless Us ALL!
What is so aggravating to me is how much my DH remembers about what is important to him. He found my hair in the tub (right after I had skin cancer surgery) and remembered to call his friend on his cell phone, and tell him he doesn't know what he's going to do with me. He went into the bank and demanded all his money. Luckily I had contacted the bank and set up a savings account not connected to the online or ATM with $500. for him to take out with a withdrawal slip. He forgot about that for 6 months, then remembered to ask for his money. They actually came through. The manager helped him fill out a slip and he took out $50. and was happy. He cannot fill his medication containers anymore, and I have to make sure he takes his meds. He doesn't flush the toilet and I have to be grateful that he uses it.He doesn't take his dishes from the table anymore. He will wear the same clothes if I don't put them in the hamper. He can no longer sort anything, not clean dishes or silverware, not folded clothing. But if I do something wrong, he remembers it for the whole day. Phyllis9
Teflon brain ... perfect image. Isn't it amazing, though, how often the teflon brain remembers things that never happened? Just last night while watching TV there was a commercial for a hospital and my wife said she never wants to be hospitalized there again. I foolishly asked, "What do you mean, again. You were never hospitalized there." Naturally, she adamently insisted she was there, I was wrong, etc. Maybe the only things that stick to a teflon brain are confabulated post-it notes!
acvann & Jean21, mine too! Most of the time I just keep my mouth shut, but once in a while I foolishly let myself be drawn in & then of course we get in an argument. Sometimes it hard to keep quiet, but ultimately it's always the best way to go.
I can relate. Sid remembers just about NOTHING I tell him. Just to make "conversation", I have gotten into the habit of telling him things I know I have said many times previously. 99.9% of the time, to him, it is as if it is the first time he is hearing it. But there is that tiny percentage of the time that he says, "I know. You told me that already. Why are you telling me again?" AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT HE WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THAT??????????????????????????
And as others have noted, I, too, let myself get suckered into saying things to my wife when I KNOW I should just keep my mouth shut! But at least coming often to this site, even when I don't post and just read the postings of others ... which is what I do most of the time and suspect is true of many others as well ... read with a lot of head nodding ... at least Joan and this site help to keep us all just a little more sane as we go through this gut-wrenching experience!
i really never told DH about any appointments ahead of time for the very reasons you all are describing. even on the very day i'd say ' just come with me we need to go somewhere' and then once we were there, i 'd say oh yes i told you a while ago, it must have slipped your mind' if i was questioned. at least going about it like this it was only ONCE i had to answer that instead of a zillion times. and yes it can drive you nuts. its very hard for US to remember they cant remember. grin. divvi
My chin's been bruised from the times DH has told someone a fabulous story he's spun from clouds and mist and hung on part of one small true fact. The few times I questioned him (later) he's perceived no problem with that.
acvann I love the image of confabulated post it notes sticking to the teflon brain.How apt.Tonight my LO( sometimes not so loved) looked at the mail( we both returned late and it was on the floor in front of our apartment door, he bent and picked it up first) and complained that I spent $1000. last month. He is determined to retake over the control of the checkbook and never allow me to have responsibility for HIS money again.What COULD I have spent so much money on??? A. the bills are paid online, only birthday gifts are checks anymore B. He asked me to take on the bills in Jan 2008, when he realized he could no longer add a column of numbers and get the same answer twice with the adding machine tape. C. I had to retire to take care of him. D. He has no concept anymore of what anything costs. He now refuses to get a haircut as the barber wants $12. instead of the 8 he remembers paying. I thought about the teflon brain and smiled as I gritted my teeth not to talk back. Now I can add the image of the mixed up post it note sticking to it and survive the next round of paranoia.Phyllis9
Telling them about something in advance is just asking for trouble. My standard answer when my husband asks where we are going is "out and about". Amazingly, he is always satisfied with that!
Oh marilynMD! I like that "out & about"! I think I'll try that next time. My problem is when there is no place to go & he is restless. I have things to do, but of course he can't understand that & wants to go, go, go. He gets tired of TV & so I have been having him watch old western DVD's & he likes those, but he can only watch so many. He always asks if he can help me, but of course he can't because he can't take directions. Can't win for losing!
Teflon - non stick! My hb rarely remembers he has watched the program before. This includes sports: football, baseball, hockey. Now his favorite program is The Andy Griffith show. TV Land plays it for what seems like hours everyday. He watches them all and acts like he has never seen them before. He rarely would ever laugh at something funny in shows but now does. He laughs through much of the Andy Griffith show. Other shows he repeats which I like but not too much, are Bonanza, Gunsmoke,Criminal Minds, NCIS, and ones he never would watch in the past: Law and Order shows (reg. and SVU mostly). I am glad we have two TVs as I can only take so much of Andy.
Phyllis9.....has your hubby been talking to mine? I think I'll check the long distance numbers LOL . The only thing my DH does not do, thank god, is go to the bank..he can't drive...thinks he can but I do it all..rarely does he ask about $$ but now and then will say we need a little dough in the drawer..as long as he can see he has some change or a few dollars he is good to go. All the rest...the clothes, the clean up after he gets himself something to eat...all matches.. It is a conspiracy I tell ya!!! Thems in this 2gether me thinks...it is a plot I tell ya...a plot!! ¡¡
Charlotte, In addition to the shows your hubby likes now mine also likes several of those to include those ugly sci fi things..erk I leave the room with the uglies show up.
I honestly don't know for sure how much Sid understands from the TV programs he watches. I do know that if there are any flashbacks, he gets confused. He also forgets what he is watching while he is watching it. If I missed hearing something, and I ask, "What did she say?", he's already forgotten it. I can't leave the room for a few minutes, and come back and ask what I missed, because he won't be able to tell me. He can watch a rerun 3 times, and still not know he saw it.
Thank goodness for DVR - you can back up to see what you missed. Joan, you mentioned shows with flashbacks - my hb has never liked them. He would get lost. To tell the truth, some were so poorly done I even got lost.