On one of those stupid 'matching' sites I wandered into (on purpose), there are a list of what they call "ice-breakers"....questions you can ask the person you're interested in communicating with before you even begin the process. This one REALLY spoke to me. Though I DARED NOT say this on that site, my honest answer is this............I would have packed my suitcase the second night of my honeymoon in Hawaii, taken John's credit card and booked the very first FIRST CLASS seat home to Virginia. Right after he began extoling his ex-wife's um, "prowness" in bed! Yep. In retrospect, I deserve what I got in the end by staying around. AND...if I COULD do that, I wouldn't even have let him know what I was up to....just disappeared into the night! All would be well now, after all those years and I'd have a funny story to tell! (and he would have, too)
So, has anyone else given thought to that question? Just wondered. I asked my mother and father. They told me they would have done much more for themselves as a couple, not included us kids in absolutely everything. I agreed with them, because now, they're unable to do very much at all. And these should be thier golden years.
Good question. I have often thought about this, and my answer is that I would have lived on my own for a few years after college instead of getting married two weeks after graduation. I was young, in love, and could not imagine a future without Sid. I have very few regrets about our 40 years together, but looking back, I should have experienced independence first, and then gotten married.
I would have gotten my degree before I got married. Then I could have had better jobs during the years I was working, and I would be in better shape now to support myself. I was so sure that I would finish my degree later, but we never again lived in a town with a college long enough to get more than one semester.
Sort of along the same lines--I would have worked harder to pursue my own goals, instead of working so hard to help DH realize his. I thought that was what a good wife did—helped and sacrificed for her husband. It took me two or three decades to realize that I was as entitled to achieve my dreams as he was. And now this….. I wish I could look back now on those dreams as wonderful things I got to do, instead of realizing that most of them are wishes that will never come true.
Our expectations of ourselves as young women in the 50's was so terribly limited. Choices? Huh? Like Joan, I would have done what young women today do, lived on my own and learned how to make my own decisions earlier in life. I think we were expected to not question, just 'settle.'
I want to say that I would have gotten my degree, but then I wouldn't have my wonderful older son & daughter. I think I would have given more thought about moving away from my family. I was very homesick for the first few years of our marriage. One thing for sure, I would have gotten to know my fiance better. We got engaged after only knowing each other 6 weeks & got married a year later after he came off a Navy cruise. We have had a good marriage, but is he my soul mate? I don't think so.
Like Joan, I would have lived on my own after college graduation for a few years. I would have thought more about my goals, questions to ask and be asked by a suitor. Gotten to know my fiance better, and I would not have married my hb if I'd been wiser, but then, alas, I wouldn't have the children I do. I thought of leaving a few times, but was insecure and believed in the promise I'd made. Not on whims but because he was emotionally and physically abusive from time to time. I worked and was the primary support, but still thought I wouldn't be able to manage. In retrospect, I know better. One son has nothing to do w/his dad. Two other kids tolerate him now, but agree he wasn't a good dad. I agree w/PrisR that expectations & choices for women in the 50s were limited--especially for insecure souls like I was.
I graduated from college and then decided I did not want to teach PE..two years of student teaching kids from elementary school to college age kids told me education was not going to be my cup of tea. Having a pretty good clue to that in my junior year, I started to take a good look at the military during my junior year of college, contacted the recruiters and interviewed with them all ( well not the Navy since I wanted the officer program not enlisted and they kept sending enlisted info) and then after graduation, on the 17th June 1969 I was off to Officer Candidate School at Quantico, VA. I was commissioned a 2nd LT and went on to Basic School, then temporary duty as a recruiter before reporting to my first duty station Marine Corps Air Station, Beaufort, SC. I was there about 18 months before going overseas to Marine Corps Base Camp S.D. Butler, Okinawa for nearly two years. Then home to Marine Corps Air Station, El Toro, CA where I met my DH...and the rest is history...He then got sent to Marine Corps Station, Yuma, AZ while I was still at El Toro..then I got sent to Yuma and he went to Okinawa..talk about ships in the night. When he got home from that tour we got married in Yuma at the base chapel and went to Quantico where he finished his cruise in 1980 after 33 years, 20 days military service. I went to HQMC in Washington DC. When he retired I resigned my regualr commission and took a reserve commission and finally retired in 1999.
If I could do anything different, it would be to put some of the kids needs ( not the biggies) on the back burner and instead of making sure THEY had lots of neat fun things ( I have step kids who are great) and that WE had made more time for US to have that fun. It is one thing to pay for part of the college education but it is another thing to be planning all holidays etc around OUR going to see them rather than US going to Europe to see Rome or the Swiss Alps or something like that. All our "vacations" were revolving around either seeing them, or his folks or mine and not enough reciprocation on the parts of others, mainly my parents. The kids had the excuse of wee folks and hard to travel with them..but that said, when their kids got older things didn't change that much. Now one makes a point to come out our way but the other two live overseas...and they are having the travel experiences we never got to enjoy..( and while I don't wish they didn't have those opportunities, I must confess to being a wee bit green about it).
Sadly, I would today, take the heartbreak in my 20's and head for the hills before marrying my husband. I love him with all my heart and soul, but at 22...I would have mended. These years of dementia are not worth it. At least today they are not.
I would have pushed more for my husband to meet my needs. Even though I have been a feminist since long before I met him and consistently earned more than he did, there were too many things where I didn't get to explore what I liked because we did things his way. I could be flexible and he was so inflexible--only one way of doing things worked for him. I wish I had said I want to try other things--do you want to go along with me or shall I pursue those without you?
Like several people above said, I would have gotten my degree before I got married. As it turned out, when my son was 6 and my daughter 3, we separated. had I waited to get my degree, I would have been in a better place to support myself. But then, I wouldn't have the 2 wonderful childen that I have. yes, they were born when I was 21 and 24, and by 27 I was on my own. but i wouldn't trade them. Also, if I had gotten a better job, I wouldn't have met the love of my life, my DH who now suffers from this awful disease. I probably would have met and remarried someone closer to my ownage. But would I have been as happy and as loved as I have been for the last 40 years? There are things we are better off not having the ability to change.
I really can't think of anything I would change. I could say that maybe I would not have married the first time right out of high school, but college was not an option for me at the time ( there wasn't the financial aid there is today and we had no money) and working at a minimum wage job and living alone did not appeal to me. I married at 18 and had my 3 children by the time I was 23. I had 19 good years with my first husband and have had 20 great one with Charlie. I have been blessed.
Maybe I'd have stuck with one college instead of three, majored in creative writing, and gotten an earlier start at it. That's about it, apart from little things such as not doing stupid things that hurt people's feelings in high school and whatnot.
I would not change a thing about my life, family is all to imporant to me, I would however change the way I handled Bob when he needed me most, with this I mean Alz. I didn`t understand it until I found Joan, if I did things different I wouldn`t be blessed with the family I love so much.
I think there are several things I would have changed. One, as with many other, I would have gone to college. The second would have been to have left my first husband when I was pregnant with our last child. It would have only shortened our marriage by 8 yrs, but oh how I could have enjoyed those 8 yrs. The third is I would have gone to school for nursing rather that for my EMT. How I loved my job on the ambulance, but the result of blowing out my back has been life long. Maybe if I had not been looking for a short route to a career, I could be the Physician's Assistant or Nurse Practioner that I would love to be now. With my back situation, I can't even work as the Medical Assistant that I went back to school for 4 yrs ago.
One thing I WOULD NOT have changed, was meeting and marrying Jim. Yes he was my true love, my soulmate, even if only for a very short time. I admit, my journey was shorter, thus "easier" than so many of you, but his personality changes were confusing until we got a dx 5 yrs into our marriage, but the confusion started by our 1st of our 6 anniversaries. I believe I was brought into my Jim's life to care for him as his family could/would not. Their denial was too great. I'm proud of the love, care amd comfort that I was able to provide for him. Now as I try to grow and move forward, I will hold my head high knowing that in my life I've done so good, some bad, some smart, some stupid, but always, always tried my best and that, my dear alz family, is Good Enough!
Susan = like you my sister's last husband was her soulmate. Their marriage was short like yours, he had a stroke their 2nd year and everything was downhill from there.
As for me, I would not have married my hb. I validated my marrying that I was out of high school for a year so it was time. The truth was I was on the rebound. I had been in an affair with a guy 7 years older than me starting on my 17th birthday. It was all sexual on his part but not mine, or so I thought. When hb came along the guy had just told me he was marrying a girl a year younger than me -one his family approved of - I was crushed. I had just graduated from medical assistant school ready to start my internship when I met hb via my oldest sister. We met and married in 11 days. It was total hormones and rebound on his part; hormones, rebound and my pledge if I ever had sex again with a man outside of marriage either he marries me or I will kill myself. He married me but it was already wrong. He came from a traditional New England family and I, a country hick, did not fit in with their ideas.
At first it was good. We seemed to be a good fit. After 1 1/2 years I told him I was leaving and going back west. I could not stand the people there, they did not accept me (family or the people I worked with). He choose to come with me but I wish he had not. I was always the one that took their son away no matter how often we visited, which was every 18 months. Like others had said, I would have taken more of those trips for us, not to see family. When we did go back it was non-stop driving because we only had 2 weeks. Never time to stop and play tourist. Like others here - they did not visit much. In 30 years his parents came to see us 3 times. His siblings never once. I was forced to give up my childhood friendships cause they made him insecure. I could never talk to guys unless they were his friends due to insecurity. I learned in counseling, contrary to my daughter's accusations I was a controller, he was controlling me.
Infertility treatment killed our marriage I think. It is definitely hard on the sex life and intimacy. In hindsight I would not have adopted. He never bonded with them, told me years later he really did not to even adopt, and there is a good chance if someone else had adopted them they would have had a happier childhood instead of the traumatic one they had.
In hindsight I would have left when his affair with the teenager that he brought into our home (he was hoping she would get pregnant but thank God she did not). At the time though I was in shell shock, running on automatic to help the kids thru it and did not feel I deserved any better life. I did not have the confidence that I could support myself and the kids. I verbally forgave him instantly as he pleaded with me, and felt I had no choice but to stay with him (Biblically). When I went through counseling 10 years later I could have then but again felt my vows forced me to stay. Again, I did not feel I could support myself. Oh, my family did not know of any of this so pride/shame would prevent me from going to my mom for help.
Hindsight is so easy. In hindsight I would have left. Now I have no choice but to stay. In hindsight I would have worked on my dreams too, not just his. He always seemed to sabotage attempts at my dreams. He actually ruined his cause I believe his dream of his own business, which we had at the time, failed due to his sin of adultery. Now I live with 2 kids screwed up because I did not make good choices of what would be best for them. But I also realize they are adults and have chosen to make the wrong choices that have made their lives a mess.
I just hope his disease goes quickly, which means within the next 4 years. I won't be able to afford his life insurance after that. And due to the unemployment situation in the area, I can't find work. If it goes quickly, or if I still am healthy after he goes into a facility, I will start on my dreams. Or at least, start figuring out how to have a life with me as the first person - not hb or kids.
When I was a kid I used to sit in the back of the car at night looking intently at the lights coming from all the windows especially in the country and sometimes catch a glimpse of someone and wonder what it would be like to transport instantly into that scene and be them now.
Now that I'm sixty I fight the idea that I already know everything and most people's lives aren't appealing. It's the same planet though as when I was that kid. I changed not it.
If I hadn't married my wife right after highschool I wouldn't be here right now in this house typing this on an AD forum. I wouldn't have the thoughts I have because they've evolved over a lifetime doing what I did earning what I am day by day. I regret lots of things and I wish I'd done some things like get my masters degree. Mostly I still wonder what it would be like to be able to live many different lives.
Charlotte - I believe you will find your dream. My experience with country hicks is that they're generally honest and solid people. After spending these years trying to make things work around you it's time to consider throwing the baggage off the train, walk up to the engine, shut the d*mn thing off, grab a toothbrush and the bag marked 'hopes' - and get off those tracks. When you're done I mean.
Mr New England and his genitalia characters were too flighty for your values anyways. Sent them a postcard.
When my DW dies I'm going on. My time with her was what it was but it is not my whole story. Apparently my whole story has different chapters towards the end. Hang on and second star to the right.
As Batman said: "Wait'll they get a load of me."
I might go to Peru and learn to make pottery. I might not. I might lose most of my hair and do a comb over and still get all the really good looking women. I might not. But I have my hope bag with me and as Jim Carrey said in Pet Detective 2 "No one messes with the do!" What I do that is. You gotta believe. You never know when good things will happen. When I was 17 I took the bus to school. We moved out of the district but I had permission not to transfer. It was dark still and as the bus stopped on a hill I saw into a lit window a woman who had just stepped out of the shower. She was undressed and I could see her. I wanted by sheer willpower to stop the bus from going again. Just like when I was a kid. It was a few months later I asked my future wife out and the rest was herstory.
Like stuntgirl*'s comment about that woman with prowess in bed. Who wants a prow in bed? I don't even know what that is. What is that? She could rope a calf? Wrestle an alligator? What is that?
Die my hair blond and wear a nose ring. What do you think? You know what I think? Don't think so much.
Very interesting reads. I am trying so hard to think of that saying that seems so appropriate right now..."When life hands you a bowl of cherries....make a pie" That isn't it...but it is something like that I just can't remember what it is. Charlotte we could have some very good long talks. What I assume was your first "love affair" that was one sided was so like my early life...I too moved on quickly to get married to someone I really didn't love. But, we shouldn't feel badly about a lot in our past lives because things were different then. There was the "proper thing to do"....and most of us, especially gals...tried to do the proper thing and it probably wasn't the best thing for us.
Love to read what you write Wolf...you have a flair for words.
I have flair. Is that why my hair sticks straight up in the morning?
I know the pains are so real. No one has to explain that to me. I also know that we can bury the spirit so deep under the rubble we can hardly find it let alone ride around in it. All of us have been tough enough to survive our lives so far. I meant no disrespect for Charlotte's feelings and I have a deep understanding of what pain and regret are.
They are the cannon fire we have survived. When we give our hearts and they get hurt or we make choices that we wish we hadn't or we are scathed by the words of people we did nothing to - like being told by family that we do not belong. I understand.
And we only have one life and those years are gone and we can't get them back. I know.
No one can teach how to refill the soul with spirit any more than they can teach how to find a true meaning in religion within ourselves. We find that or we don't.
I race every morning to get to the bathroom by the time my wife does who gets up in the middle of the night and is liable to miss the toilet altogether. I know these are the last months I sleep with her and that the mattress and what was our bedroom is doomed. I have zero conversation. She can't do one blessed thing. I loved her deeply.
Is it better for me because I loved her? Is it worse if we didn't love so much? Isn't this all regret anyways?
My wife is gone but not dead. My life is gone but not dead.
I sound like I'm straying from the topic but I'm not. What one thing would I change? Nothing. Not one blessed thing. And not the pain and the stench that is to come. Not the loneliness. Nothing.
I earned this. I am me. It has taken me 22,000 days almost to get to this moment. I have survived every one of them and can show you the scars. I survived a horrendous storm at sea through exhausting will minute by minute for ten hours. I have been threatened with death by a lunatic so that I had 24 hour police protection (work related - think postal). I was airlifted to a hospital when my appendix broke and nearly died. I lost an eye. I lost a fortune. I still wake up with a start dreaming about my first love at 15 because I just can't get over it!!! My father beat me. My father-in-law hated me. Now I'm losing my wife, my house, and my friends (third wheel anyone? anyone?).
Get off my cloud.
Think of a gunner at Pearl Harbor who kept at the gun during the whole raid with bombs and bullets going off all around them. Say they never hit anything. What do you think of that person? I think well of them. Anyone that sticks it out under fire I will go into a foxhole with.
That's what I was trying to say to Charlotte in this case and what I mean by get off my cloud. When we've still got a bit of a dream tucked under our arm at this point - we're not only doing fairly well - we have a shot at it. All we have to do now is find a way to enjoy ourselves once in a while in a world that is more like an asylum run by the inmates than a place that makes sense. Why should our lives be any different?
You want an adventure? Put on a plastic garbage bag, wear a funny hat, and go into town yelling at people in Swedish. I guarantee you'll feel different afterwards. No? Ok, how about this. Take some pride and strength from your proven ability to survive and for goodness sakes don't throw out the funny hat.
I was going to start cross dressing; but, the heels are murder. I'm thinking of going with the mime face and the black and white striped look with the beret. Too much? That's what the neighbor said too. Through the tears of laughter. So unlike that time I mooned the Amtrack train in Colorado and caused the hairy midget alien scare. I was bent over you see or perhaps it's best not to visualize in this case.
What would I do? Drive up to Vermont or wherever it is with a bag of the family poop, set it on fire on the porch, ring the bell, and run away screaming hysterically. Strange. But exhilarating. I bet you'd be thinking new thoughts on the drive back.
Wolf K you bring back memories of my childhood with the bag on the porch burning,I came from a small midwestern town an once a year a small flea bitten circus would come to town an set up on a big vacant field for a week of scamming the locals out of whatever money they could get,it was an exciting time for the neighborhood urchins as there was much to see an alot of trouble to get into,I remember one evening 5-6 of the local "brats" (me included) headed off to the circus to see what mischief we could get into an on the way we discussed one of our own that at that time were "mad at" it was soon determined that a good way to get even with him was throw elephant dung on his porch ,when we got to the circus we all grabbed popcorn boxes ripped them open an each of us grabbed as much of those giant turds as we could carry,now we had to walk about a quarter of a mile an the more we walked the funnyer it got so that when we reached the kids house the guys in front delivered their gifts with gusto alerting the folks inside,since I was in the back of the line an laughing hysterically, the kids big brother came charging out of the door an I was caught holding a hand full of elephant doo with no explanation,I spent the better part of the evening cleaning an washing that porch,I don't think I'd try that again but what the heck a little bag an a match............
You guys (and girls) are SO HYSTERICAL! I started this thread as a little philosophical (so I thought) discussion, and it just BLOOMED! Thank you SO MUCH for bringing a smile to me even on what have become my darkest evenings so far this yea(no one would know it, but true). Guess we ALL learn to "wear it" well. I'm enjoying hearing your thoughts and reminiscenses. Jen (Wolf...yes, exactly what IS a "PROW"??? and...did I really want to BE one??? )
When my DH was first dx I was over zealous and thought that he would progress faster than he has so I got a cell phone plan that included the internet with GPS tracking toboot so that I could keep track of him. The plan cost me 150.00 a month and of course I was on contract for a year and was stuck. Guess What?!?!? I never(NEVER) used it so I was a big "sucker" Then I found out that I could purchase a bracelet or a necklace with all his information on it for just a few dollars. That is my "could of had a V8 moment" If I had it to do all over again I would...hope...that I would not do it again.
Oh Deb, and here I've been sorry many times (every time he got lost) that I DIDN't invest in a tracking system. But now, his wandering days seem to be over . . . (what a thing to get nostalgic about).
I would not have saved that bottle of wine for "a special occasion", I would have traveled more now and not waited until we were both retired or thought we could afford it. There shouldn't be any "would a, should a, could a's..." Alzheimer's has taught me to live each day NOW and not worry about the future. Sometimes the future is too late.