Joan, please don't feel badly about expressing your true feelings to us! If you are angry it is OK to say so with us, because we surely understand and we all feel the same way. I have times everyday when my anger is just as you describe. We are much too young to be going through this with our husbands and wives! My DH is 61 and I am 58; it wasn't supposed to be like this--we still have plans...travelling, home improvements to do together, wonderful conversations, and more adventures together. Thank you for your blog today and everyday. I look forward to reading your true feelings because they are something we can all identify with.
I agree with the others. You have just expressed what we all feel. I can particularly relate to your feelings about seeing other couples enjoying time together.
I think that sometimes anger is a very healthy thing. I much prefer it to depression, which is where my emotions usually head when they are not allowed out.
We should be somewhat angry, with all the losses that we have suffered. The "civilian" population doesn't understand those losses, but all of us sure do. Sometimes my anger pops up in very strange places, though, like one day in the library when I actually wanted to hit a lady who stood right in the middle of the aisle between the stacks, and refused to let me by. I was shocked by something very close to rage that popped up over such a minor thing. I do think that some day if a crook tried to steal my purse, this old lady would wind up scaring him!
Joan, believe me, if I had been writing all the blogs that you have done, I would have created a symphony of whines by now. Your blog was not a whine. It was honest truth. And yes, I look at those couples, too. Some days it hurts so much I try to look at anything but those couples.
Joan I agree with all above. BT/DT. Anything can trigger this flashing anger--not at DH, but at situations affecting him and espcially ones affecting me. A year ago, I arranged to go to the Dr. and to get our flu shots. I was told I only needed an appointment for me and to bring him along and we'd be all set. When we got there and checked in, suddenly they tell me, on the QT, "he's not here for anything so we can't do the shot for him." I didn't scream or yell--I just got LOUD. "DON'T TELL ME THAT...I DID WHAT I WAS INSTRUCTED TO DO! . . . " They backed up from the counter (ampit high on me) and began to demand I calm down. (I was calm, just loud). Mentioned calling security on me--feeling threatened by short lady on crutches on the other side of the counter. I was amazed at myself, and couldn't pull my volume down right away. Funny now, but serious then.
Just lately, I've been fielding a lot of little episodes, resulting in what I call grumbles--under my breathe-- I'm sure more frequent because of the tight restrictions my surgery imposed. Things not done or put away how/where I need them. DH has been helping a lot and I have worked hard not to ask much extra--ask "On your way back this way could you...?" And got the response, "Why do I have to do everything?" That one smoked me!
We all experience this. How we handle it is the key. We need to accept that this is a part of doing the job we have. Nobody doing caregiving can be Sam or Susie Sunshine all the time. Sometimes we're the little guy with the cloud over his head, and in no mood for someone else's crap.
Joan, I totally agree that anger is normal. Look at what we are dealing with! You wouldn't be human if it didn't anger you at times or even all the time. I am so glad that we have this forum to express it. That is thanks to you and for that I am very grateful, thank you! There are not very many people that want to hear it. I get really sad when I see other couples having a (normal) relationship when I can't. I am married too but I, for the most part, don't feel like it. The only thing that I try not to do is express my anger to my DH. He doesn't even know what to do to change it anyway so all it does is confuse him.
Joan, I think it is okay to have some angry moments while dealing with this disease. Not only have we given up our spouses, we gave up our way of life, lifestyle, standard of living and a whole host of other things to care for our loved ones. We didn't give them up for a few weeks or months like happens in many other diseases, we have given them up for years if not permanently. Our person can't appreciate it and friends can't really understand how we feel with all of the loss. Some days I get very frustrated and angry. I see him in his wheelchair and know that this is not life to him or how he wants to live but we are both trapped in this life until he goes. I am watching the work/savings of a lifetime gradually crumble to nothing. Yes, there are days when I get angry. I think it is normal to have those moments.
Again, I was thinking of the anger I have & low & behold, Joan blogs exactly what I was thinking! I am especially envious when I see other couples who have a "normal" relationship (or at least it seems like it). I've come to the realization that early morning & evenings are not my DH's best times. In the morning he is confused, angry & accuses me of stealing, etc. He usually levels off during the day & today he actually had a halfway decent day. However it is 8:30 & if we don't go to bed soon he will get angry. I think it's just because he tires easily. So good night all!
Joan, I can identify with all you said in your blog but the list you gave of what you can no longer do, and the list is long, does not make me angry..well at the disease it does but when I see others enjoying what I can't have and have not had for sometime, I feel utter sadness with a dash of envy..greeneyed envy.
Comment Author SusanB Comment Time 6 minutes ago edit delete
I loved reading this blog! (Actually I love reading all of them.) I think that we have all experienced this type of angry moments, hours, days because the loss is so great and so ongoing. Joan, you have talked a lot about sadness and grief in your past blogs. AD creates enormous levels of both and this 'anger' that you seem to look at as a kind of negative for yourself is a normal part of grief. It seems possible to me that some of the stages of grief get lost in the ever continuing merry-go-round of new losses and therefore, new grief processes. For you maybe the anger takes a back seat to other feelings, for me....acceptance seems a more elusive companion. You impart wisdom, humor, news, and great advice on this site. Today's blog did not strike me as 'whining', but rather an "ahhhhhh, I am right there with you" moment. Thanks once more Joan.
First my DW grew up across the street from a girl who became a phyciatrist (I actually went out with her first in high school). She said anger is a good emotion. She warned me that the most dangerous sign is when I lose interest in everything (some of that's going on too).
Second, I do think men are more equipped to express anger (generally). Partly the testosterone and partly the way we were all brought up. So I think women feel more conflict in expressing it.
Thirdly, I think women after menopause are more free of some of nature's balancing of us (estrogene for the women and testosterone for the men).
Fourth, anyone trying to argue the case that anger is an inappropriate expression of feeling under these conditions isn't going to get anywhere. Anger is not only appropriate - it is necessary. The person under long periods of duress sometimes vents.
Fifth, everyone in the 'normal' world thinks all of us are the most giving, supportive, and saint like people in the world.
The problem is that when we are that person giving so much we lose perspective on our rights as individuals to have our own hopes and dreams, love and future.
Jerry said it for me. We are losing one of the main things we lived for. Like making each other laugh. Two people going through life together.
Benjamin Franklin said anger is always followed by shame. That never stopped him from expressing anger at things. Like the kid in the christmas story who wants a BB gun but will shoot his eye out finally feeling anger instead of fear and beating up the school bully. Not like that same kid eating soap because he said the same word his father did when HE got angry at the furnace.
The realization that we hate losing so much in my mind is healthy and expressing that is natural.
In Joan's case finding so many good and useful things to blog for others and then sometimes expressing her own feelings is more than healthy and natural. I know you say it helps you too Joan, but it is also a burden to come up with them while you face the same things as everybody else.
I don't see anything remotely like whining. I see my own feelings.
Was a shock to me when it happened, too. I had never CONFRONTED anyone like that before. They were teling me to quiet own. They don't talk like that. (No bad words or threats). Do they need to call Security?
Wasn't too sure what my welcome would be the next time I went in, but it was as though it had never happened.
Amazing what can happen when that one button gets pushed.
Well, I hate to break it to you all, but here goes. You may still feel the anger, after you Love One is gone. I do, there are days when I sit and look at all the bills and the lack of money, or watch a tv show that we used to watch together, or go to grab the phone to call him and I get really angry. I am so angry,mostly at the disease, but sometimes at him for leaving me. Leaving me with this mess to clean up. Now in a rational moment I know it was not his fault, and I get mad at God for not giving me a miracle. I get very angry with the "friends" who don't check in on me. I get angry with his family who it seems have all but forgotten about me. My therapist tells me it all part of the "normal" part of grieving. So I guess the only thing normal about this whole mess, is, Anger. Go figure!
Yes, thank you for expressing what I am beginning to feel. I have been under so much stress lately I didn't recognize the anger for what it was - anger at the disease and at what dh, our children and I cannot have. I have been away from here for 2 years, but it looks like I am back to stay. Thank you, joang, for your honesty and for providing a place for us.