I was told not to tell DH too far ahead of time about placement that's coming up in the next two weeks, so I'll wait till the last minute, I guess. Any suggestions from those of you who have been through this transition? Intellectually I know this is the right thing, but emotionally I think I'm going to have to buy a big teddy bear to clutch when I'm home crying.
I will also be placing my DW soon and plan on waiting until the last minute to tell her. It just doesn’t feel right to not discuss it with her but I know that’s not possible. She often says that she needs to leave and has even said to be “with others like me”. I don’t know how I will ever cope with placing her.
You will know the best way to tell your husband. My approach (for the move from one Care Facility to another) was that his skin infections were not healing and that he needed to be in a hospital where he would get better care. The first move to a Care Facility was directly from the hospital following his spontaneous compression fracture of his spine. Each time I had to counter his argument that I could take care of him at home, because I could not, due to my age and own physical problems. Of course, they want you to take care of them, but it is not always possible. They don't understand this; I think we would both be dead by now if I hadn't used my own judgment, not his.
I send my best wishes to each and every one of you. There is no easy or right way to do this and, in my opinion, it always hurts.
I placed my DW on Feb 10, and almost never told her what was happening. She and I drove to the care facility where our children met us. They had her room furnished and decorated. Since she had just been dismissed from a hospital, I think she thought that she was just going to another one where the children could see her more often.
I don't remember leaving her there because I choose not to. It hit me later.
I had my husband's room all set up. The social worker from the ALF picked my husband up at the psych hospital and drove him to his "new home". There was no way he would have gone had I made the transfer.
When I placed DH I did not tell him where he was going I just told him we were going for a ride. He accepted that and after the first week or so he stopped asking to come "home". I don't think it's sensible to reason with someone with a broken reason button. You can have someone else transport him -- some facilities will arrange it for you. They are skilled at handling this. It will be easier for both of you if you don't tell him but that's my experience. It's funny when he was at home early last year he would ask to go home - meaning I don't know where but maybe the last place we lived or his childhood home.
I think I'm going to try and get some of his clothes, etc. over there before I take him, so that it'll be all set up when we get there. We'll be leaving from home, which is a retirement complex that has no locked facilities for Alzheimers patients. And since he 'wandered' about a month ago they're anxious for him to leave. I haven't left him alone for a minute since then and have had the home health helpers that are available here at the retirement facility for 4 hrs./3 days wk. so that I can get out to my own dr. appts. and yesterday to meet Dee, from these boards, for lunch and a good visit.
I placed DH within one month of a wandering episode. I was there when he simply walked out the door and I didn't know it. The police who came were the first to suggest placement since they said he would do this again unless I watched him 24 hours a day which is impossible for one person. You can bring his clothes (don't bring too much - maybe 3 or 4 of each thing) when you bring him - just put them in the car before you transport him so he doesn't see them. That's what I did. You can always bring a few things later. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be actually by not telling him anything about where he was going. The most important thing is you DH will be safe and you will be able to have a life and take care of yourself. Much love, MR
And you know what else? I want him to be in a place where no one will laugh at him. A few times in recent years his behavior in public was so off-the-wall that strangers stood and laughed. I felt just awful, because all they saw was what he is today, not the wonderful man who lived such a rich, giving life. I could have just cried.
OMG, I know how you feel. I had the same experience -- people have no idea how cruel they can be. Jerry had some very bizarre conversations with the neighbors. He would answer the phone and agree to things like fundraising for the neighborhood for various causes -- I had to send back big boxes of materials. My experience with several facilities so far has been very good. They are kind and patient. It's not a job I could ever do but those who do are angels. What did DH do for a living? Mine was a creative director in advertising in NYC a la Mad Men!! He even looked like Don Draper when he was young!!
DH was an optometrist with a huge one-man practice. The young women who worked for him never quit because he was a good boss and paid them well. He was active in the community and everyone loved him.
Wow, it seems so many really smart, articulate people get this dreaded disease. Does he remember? Jerry doesn't. For some reason he thinks he was an engineer. He couldn't do anything technical!
Mark everything you take to ALH,my wife moves stuff into other rooms,takes stuff from other rooms,even lost a new pair of shoes a cpl weeks ago,I marked the new ones with red finger nail polish,so if someone else is wearing them I can spot them easy,also all clothes have her name on them,things just seem to dissapear an of course noone knows anything