Checkin in...it's definitely been too long since I've written but here I am. Bryan's illness and slow demise continue to weigh heavy on my mind. I still have moments of disbelief everyday, when I sadly look at what is left of him. And yet he maintains a cloak of dignity wrapped around his frail bony shoulders. He still has the ability to engage people; people that only know this Bryan: caregivers, hospice workers, nurses, drs, other patient's visitors. Always the gentleman.
I feel sadness, resignation, weariness, strength and a deep tenderness for the bond I share with this Bryan. I continue to grieve for the loss of all the Bryans: the 40 year old healthy, vital Bryan that I fell in love with and married; the 50 yr old Bryan who was still so driven; the 60 yr old Bryan that showed the first signs that something might be wrong. So much loss in the last five years...pieces of him removed....abilities compromised....doors permanently closed...hopes and dreams dismantled.
Now as we inch closer to the end, everything is stripped bare. All I can do is show up and hope that the sound of my voice brings comfort. I don't think my words mean much, but soothing tone and gestures can be felt. He still speaks, but I think that much of it is automatic, etched into what's left of his memory from years of conversation. He is not on his deathbed yet...but really this is where the last 5 years have been leading.
The vigil continues...
Wishing all of you hope, courage, strength and tenderness on this journey.
Shoegirl, I feel your pain and hurt. I am going to pray for peace for you. You sound like such a strong person. Please rest and keep the faith. Me and my dh are not at the stage your dh is but it is horrible none the less. I understand what you mean about the hopes, dreams,and everything. Now we are given just memories of those. But you know what, they are great memories and as we remember them we are given the blessing of having been loved. Remember no matter what we are going thru, we are still a blessing to someone else. That is what keeps me going some days. When I am acting so bad I try to think if my horrible mood is what I want my dh to remember last. It isn't nor is it anything I want others to see. It brings me back to earth and I reevaluate my soul. Today is the first day I recognized that my dh does not always know my name. He hardly ever remembers who he is. It is so sad, but the blessing is that he is still here for a little longer. We still laugh, smile, hug and then I cry for what we have lost. It is never ending. But we will survive.... for them...... God Bless you and may you get some peace and rest. Good talking to you.... good night....
Shoegirl though your news is not good it is still nice to hear from you. We watch each other's LOs sink slowly into the abyss and grieve for each other.
I had to check this thread when I saw that you had started it. You have been missed. we think of you, shoegirl, and pray for you as we pray for all our friends here online. Thanks for checking in.