Right now, my husband is out there walking to get his newspapers, probably at the local WAWA. And then again, possibly not. It is the 3rd or 4th day of very high temperatures. He was out walking yesterday at a time when my thermometer hit 101 degrees. It is the morning right now, so it is only in the upper 70s. He refused to take water with him. He wouldn't wear sun block.
He does go out to walk, mostly within the community, many days. A range of 45 minutes to an hour is within his range, but I don't think he can really do miles anymore, and I'm not sure he will be able to find his way back. This doesn't qualify as Wandering. He isn't trying to "go home" although he probably is trying to "go back to the way things were". Physically he is much healthier than he is mentally or cognitively.
There was no way I was going to stop him. Frankly, I've learned that lesson from when I tried to stop him from driving the car last month.
He has been in a mood since yesterday when I tried to give him a knife so he could open a box from Borders. He was trying to open it with a letter opener, the plastic kind with a blade that sometimes is strong enough for an envelope. He broke our good one opening a box a few months ago.
The oddest things can set him off. He wouldn't eat supper with me last night. He ate about an hour after I did by putting together whatever I had left out. He will probably refuse to eat lunch and supper with me today as well. Which is all very frustrating, but not life threatening.
I took it for granted that he would forget his mad overnight, but that did not happen.
I'm going to wait another hour and if he isn't home by then I will be calling the police to help me find him. And he might be in such bad condition when he does come back that I'll need the paramedics too.
Am I asking for advice? Maybe, but mostly I'm doing the going honest and going public thing. Yesterday I answered his emails and let the people where he used to work what is going on. And today, I'm coming on here with one of my real problems.
If I was asking for advice it would be for two things.
How do you keep someone who is stronger than you from doing something stupid without getting killed? Because violence, as I've discovered, is a possibility.
At what point do you call the police in to bring him back when it is possible, and even likely, that he is capable of coming home on his own?
Geesh...I don't know. Some of these folks have been there, though, and will weigh in. But I understand that feeling of teetering on the brink of assuming he's lost and might need for me to start mobilizing help, and then he turns up as if there was nothing strange at all about his disappearing for 4 hours. (Luckily, not in a car.)
Frankly, if he does do something really stupid and get himself killed, and there really was nothing I could do about it, then...oh well.
He isn't in a car. At least he won't kill anyone else. Of course he might fall right in front of one and ruin someone else's life, but I'm pretty sure I can convince the police that the driver is not at fault.
I'm aware that he might be trying to kill himself, or that the logical part of his brain is now so gone he doesn't realize he could be killing himself. And I've decided there wasn't anything that I could do that was safe to stop him.
At 8:00, in about 15 minutes, I'll be calling the Alzheimer's Association hotline for advice about calling the police to try to find him. At that point he will have been gone for 1-1/2 hours which is beyond the time range that I'm aware he can handle.
A couple of months ago he was gone for 3 hours and came back totally exhausted. I don't think half that time will leave him in that condition, but I don't know.
Please enroll your husband in a safe return program that all communities have through police departments. When my husband went missing the police told me they treat AD patients the same as missing children in that they start the search immediately rather than the usual 24 hour wait.
I wrote the following in the log I'm keeping about my husband's behavior:
"For the third day in a row my husband decided to go out and walk. Today his decision is totally irrational. It is the 3rd or 4th day of 90+ degree weather. It is early in the morning right now, so it is only in the upper 70's. He refused to take water or to wear sun block. Walking, even long walks, are within his range normally. Today he decided to walk to WAWA to get his newspapers. That is several miles away and depending on how he goes can be dangerous. He was gone 2 hours and I was in the process of filing a missing person report with the Safe Return program of the Alzheimer's Association when he walked in the door.
Physically 2 hours is within his range, and so is WAWA, but it is not rational to have done the kind of walk he did."
I was literally on the phone filing a missing person report with Safe Return when he walked in the door. In less than 5 additional minutes I would have been on the phone with the police. I'm charging the cell phone, which I normally only use for emergencies while driving, so I would have two phones available so I could call my daughter while leaving the land line phone open for the police to use if they found him.
The counselor at the Alzheimer's Association told me it is time for him to be in Day Care because what he is doing is not safe. She suggested that I have one of his doctors prescribe Day Care for "stimulation" as a strategy for getting him there.
Starling-good luck about convincing your husband to go to day care. At a local one you can put money into an account that is used to "pay your spouse for services rendered". Mine didn't buy into it. We also tried to convince him to spend a week instructing CPR which he had been doing successfully just a year before-didn't buy into that one either.
I would also get him a Medical Alert bracelet or necklace. They're pretty inexpensive and you can put his condition and address/phone # on it so that the police can bring him home safely. I bought DH a necklace online and he wears it all the time. Below is a link for one of the sites:
Starling, how nervewracking having to worry about him like this. if they are stubborn it can be difficult. could you offer to drive him where he wants to go instead of walking now? or have the papers delivered? mine used to leave the house and i'd find him halfway up the street and he had no qualms about the dangers involved. i knew it was time to take the reins and decide for his safety. even today i still worry about some of the 'negligence' issues about safety with his demented condition. there will come a time when you need to speak with his dr about a med that can help you manage him properly for his safety. we did zyprexa for a while and i went ahead and put deadbolts with keyes on the doors to keep him in if it wasnt safe to be out without supervision. nobody wants to take these next steps but at some point they just cant make judgement calls for themselves. hope you find the answers, divvi
Does he like gadgets? Would he carry a chaperone phone if you gave him one (without telling him what it does)?
Or does your county offer the Lifesafer program? They have a GPS bracelet for the ADLO's wrist, and have the authorities "wired in" and have a picture of the ADLO on computer, so that your ADLO can be found within minutes of being notified of your concern.
I offerred to drive him. He didn't want me to drive him. No water and no sun block. He wanted to walk.
He can't use a cell phone. This year I didn't put time into the emergency phone that I had bought, one for each of us, a few years ago. He hadn't used it in over a year when the renewal came due.
I haven't tried any kind of safe return/lifesaver program. It is extremely unlikely that he would cooperate with that either.
He is at a very odd stage because it isn't Alzheimer's. It is Vascular Dementia. Physically he is much healthier than an Alzheimer's patient would be at this point, which is fully Stage 5. Verbally, he is almost certainly Stage 6.
My DH walks every day out in the community. He gets lost more and more. Right now we use the Family Locater system with Sprint. He doesn't have to know how to use the phone but he has to have it with him and keep it turned on. Then you can track where he is on your computer or your cell phone. I had to use it on Monday when he got lost. I don't know what I would have done without this tracking system.
Sorry, he just came in for lunch as I was typing, and you GOT TO DO IT NOW!!!
Anyway he is losing his words very quickly. He actually remembered to use the word "garbage" just now, which is a surprise, but when he went out to get his newspapers, he told me he was "going out to lunch". Food was in no way, shape or form part of what he planned on doing and he had just finished eating breakfast at home.
He also has lost the ability to plan, or to think rationally about anything. He has obviously not yet lost the ability to go to the WAWA and come back home from there, but he has forgotten why this week's doctor's appointment is not in the local doctor's office, or where it is. In December and January he drove there without me giving him directions.
One of my problems is that I have no clue as to how long he is going to have any of the abilities he currently has. EVERYTHING is moving quickly.
Starling, I would go ahead and get the chaperone phone that Verizon has, because though he won't use it as a phone, YOUR emergency phone number is there for others to call you if they find him, as well as the map locator that will tell you where he is. As long as he carries it and it is on, you can locate him. I pay less than $100 a month for the two phones and minutes, and chaperone. It is my lifeline. It rings me when he goes three blocks from the house (even when he is with me - but more importantly while I am at work) and I can go to the map locator and see where he is.
My DH is at the same stage yours is, but mine's aphasia is worse. When he gets mule-headed, it is hard to distract him. He wanted to water the flowers in the rain this morning. Then he put the dog's leash (with our huge blond lab attached) around the outside water faucet. If the dog had decided to lurch, he could have taken off the faucet, and with water running non-stop until I got home from work, the cost would have been outrageous! Not to mention the yard and the neighbor's yard!
I keep trying redirection, but sometimes it is impossible to find the key word that will alter what he wants to do!
Distracting them is extremely difficult. At various points I have used favorite foods and drinks, music, movies and always hugs and kisses. Even now when he is down to the mind of a 1 year old, I can usually distract him with hugs and kisses.
Starling is it possible to have a buddy walk with him to each morning? What about a paid companion to go out and walk with him? It sounds like those walks are important to him and if someone was with him, he could still take them.
One of the reasons that I was able to keep my husband home as long as I did is because we live right at the entrance to the golf club we belong to. He was always walking over there, doing a tour of the building and coming home. The people there knew about our situation and kept an eye on him. I often thought that the only reason that he wasn't wandering is because he always had a place to wander to.
Even now when my husband starts to get very aggravated, I will step between him and whatever the problem is and slowly bring him out of it with hugs, kisses and sometimes dance him out of that problem area. Sometimes I will just plant myself and grab his hands and not budge. This often works. The best defense has been learning what usually attracts him to where he causes problems and trying to distract him before he can go in that particular direction.
One of the best things I have learned watching the workers in the facility he is in is that if he isn't in danger of being hurt and is not hurting others, most actions are okay. It truly then becomes a question of picking your battles.
I'm taking in all of the suggestions. Some of them are things I've already tried. I wish I'd succeeded in getting Joe to take the phone with him back in the days when he was a lot more independent, but I didn't. I doubt if it would work today.
I'm considering matching Medical ID bracelets. I've got Asthma and an allergy to penicillin. And it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to be wearing some kind of notice. Unfortunately I also have an allergy to metals which would make a bracelet unwearable. I don't wear a wedding ring and haven't for 40 years because of that allergy. But I'm trying to work my way around that idea.
It turns out that if your LO goes missing, even if you aren't using their Safe Return system, you should make a missing person report to them anyway. Police departments do contact them to find out if they know that someone is missing if they locate someone with dementia.
Mary, how much worse can your husband's aphasia be? My husband is literally losing words while I watch him. It is the difference between how he is physically and how he is mentally that is so shocking and which is making things difficult. And what is it with over-watering the plants anyway?
I don't know if my county does the lifesaver program. It was the State Police that came here when I called them. I don't think we have a County Sheriff here. I'll need to check up on that one.
Basically I'm just going to have to go with these "walks" for a while. They may stop on their own because his pattern is to just let things drift off once he feels he can't do them anymore.
Starling, his vocabulary is yes, no, good, fine, and okay. And half the time he says no when he means yes and vice versa! On rare occasions two or three other words will come out, but they are difficult to figure out the translation. We come back with a statement of what we think he might be trying to communicate, and he'll either smile (meaning we got it right) or frown and turn away (meaning we got it wrong). And he no longer knows his colors, or cups, plates, chair, shoes, etc. He is getting to where it is as if he can't hear me (though the ear doctor tested his hearing and it is fine) some of the time. His focus on tying his shoes will keep him from hearing. So will eating. He is beginning to walk at half speed now. I was commenting on his trying to water plants that were water-soaked to show that he is watering by rote, and not because it needs to be done. It was something that he did that he can still do. He can no longer make a pot of coffee, nor use the microwave.
He tried to walk out of the house one morning at 4 a.m. after dressing (since he sleeps nude, I don't know what I'm going to do when he becomes incontinent) because he thought it was time to get up. When I stood in front of him (between him and the door) and asked him to come back to bed because it was still dark outside, he moved to try and go around me. I tried to get him to come watch a movie with me. Still he tried to go around me on the other side. He didn't try to speak a word. He just tried to get around me without touching me. I finally put my arms around him and started crying and told him to please come back to bed because I didn't want to have to put him in a nursing home. He held me for a minute, then turned with me and we went back to the bedroom and got back into bed. He stayed there until I got up. He hasn't done it again. Now, he goes to bed with me and gets up with me. I thank God every day that he hasn't tried it again. That was over a month ago.
He hasn't tried to go for walks during the daytime as yet. Since yours does, I expect it to start happening soon. Some days he seems almost comatose, and other days he seems to know what I'm saying. It may be an act. I don't know.
After several of the suggestions here, I went to Medical Alert and ordered the dog tag necklace for my DH. I was afraid with his skin being so thin and easily broken, that a bracelet would tear his skin if the dog pulled on the leash wrong, and he has never worn a bracelet. He wore dog tags for years, so I thought it might work better.
Starling, I don't know how you stand those long walks of his, not knowing if he will be coming back on his own. You have my prayers!
Sunshyne, I've bookmarked that site. Those alerts look better than most of the ones I've seen. And now that I know that you call the Alzheimer's Association and make a missing person report, I don't need to use one of their ID bracelets.
Mary, your husband is further along on all symptoms than my husband is. What he was trying to do was full scale Wandering. His Aphasia is also much further along, although there is no question in my mind that my husband is heading in that direction. He has a lot more language at this time, but he no longer says what he means when he asks questions or makes statements.
My husband is also as deaf as a post and hasn't worn his hearing aids for 6 months. So I won't know when he can't hear me because of the dementia and when he can't hear me because he can't hear. But I'm sure I'm getting both already.
I'm going to try for some kind of Medical Alert for him with a matching one for me as soon as I can work out what kind to get. He still carries a wallet with him so he had ID with him when he was walking yesterday. I'm going to see if I can also put some additional information in that. He is already carrying his driver's license (which is in the process of being pulled so that isn't going to be there much longer), some "calling cards" with his name, address and phone number, and a paper that has his name, address, phone number, drug list and the information for his family practice doctor. That paper is what I'm going to alter. I'm going to add his diagnosis to it and move it to a more prominent position.
My DH has been wearing the stainless steel safe return bracelet for many yrs now, its impossible for them to take off once one the lock is dementia proof:) plus i got the 'caregiver' ID braclet for a few dollars and hung it around my purse handle -on top of that i got those medic alert red velco pocket seat belt covers that stays in his seat in the car. and i have a laminated card hanging from the rearview mirror saying a dementia patient onboard w/info..if we are out in public i think i will take the seatbelt velco and put it on a chain around his neck as well. .i lost him for a time once he wandered off in the beginning and family came to help look for him we found him over a mile away walking and exhausted. that was a wakeup call.
The walks or wondering would worry me a lot..George has never done this..not that he will never...but now we are working on him to just walk better...he walks alone but still not to stable....his favortie thing to do is sleep any ways.. I was wondering about putting a bolt lock on the door high enough that he can not reach it so he will not go out...I remember some one telling me that..might help...God bless us all...JOY
joy, my husband is at the stage where he can still unlock a door. He also came home after that 2 hour walk with no problem. Because this is Vascular Dementia, his symptoms are not consistent. He is Stage 5 for most things (understanding stuff, being rational), Stage 6 for some verbal stuff and probably Stage 3 or 4 physically.
If your husband isn't trying to go out, you probably don't need a bolt lock. You probably could get everything you want with a dark rug next to each outside door.
bluedaze, you tell them to break down the door. The first time I called the paramedics on myself, the person on the 911 line asked me if I could get to the door to unlock it so they wouldn't have to break it down. I did manage it, but it was the last time I walked for the next 4 days and I probably shouldn't have done it. If I have to do it again, I'll give them the code for the garage door and tell them to break that house door down. It would be easier to fix than the front door.
i have two deadbolts on my door to the outside. one i lock so hubby cant get out and leave that key out of site for myself and the caregiver -the othr lock is my security lock and nobody but me has that key and i lock the door at nite. extra keys of both are with family if i didnt answer they could get in if i didnt answer my phone. all else the police/fire dept could break a window or door. its been a challenge getting over these hurdles as i too was concerned if something happend to me, DH would wander the house til someone showed. its the perils of caring for dementia. i always tell everyne if i dont answer or call back within a day get someone over here to see. what did we do before cell phones:) i think i heard you can prenotify the police dept a dementia person lives there too so they would have on file and know he would need help-anybody know? divvi
Starling, the safe return bracelets are great. One for you is a good idea. If I am out with my husband and anything happened to me, the bracelet tells authorities that a dementia patent may be on the loose because he would surely be gone in a flash. I have an alarm system for my house. My husband set it off one night and hasn't tried to leave since. Mine system is connected to a monitoring service, but there are ones available that merely give a loud shrieking noise when the connention is broken by opening a door. My husband went to the mall once in the early stages when he could drive and I thought he would be safe, He didn't return for over 3 hours. My daughter and I got in the car and went searching for him. We didn't find him but he was there when we returned home to call police. He had been wandering the mall parking lot all that time looking for the car. That was the last time he went anywhere without a companion.
Staarling, by the way, our bracelets match and have the logo on the outside and the info on the inside. My friend wrapped them and gave them to us as a gift. He just thought they were matching ID bracelets! He said it was something he always wanted.
I just realized where some of my problems are coming from. I never know what he will and what he won't understand. Take wheatleygirl's method of getting the ID bracelet on her husband. My immediate reaction was that my husband wouldn't have fallen for that trick.
But would he? I truly do not know what he understands and what he doesn't understand. What tricks would work and which ones don't work.
OK, no one has mentioned my suggestion, so here goes (it may not be popular!)...
Drugs. This is a high level of agitation, which is exactly what drugs are for. This state of anxiety, of agitation, of irrationally needing to "get away" when it is not safe, seems to me to be screaming for a treatment.
Don't get me wrong, I am not a '"drug 'em up" kind of person, but I do believe that certain drugs are there for certain situations, and with this, doesn't it seem like it's time? If you had a headache, you take Tylenol. If your brain tells you to walk to exhaustion and walk alone unsafely, then your brain needs some help resetting itself.
I'm not saying it would work, of course, we all know they can be real hit and miss, but it sure seems like a warranted option in this case.
I'm aware that if he does something really weird I'm to call 911 and ask for someone to come to take him to the hospital. I'm also aware that if he was agitated a lot that there are antipsychotic drugs that could calm him down. The problem here is that he isn't all that agitated most of the time. He can go days without something like the walking episode to happen. He hasn't even taken one of his "normal" 45 minute walks since the 2 hour walk.
One of the real problems with this stage of the disease is that you don't know what is going to set them off, and you don't even know why they were set off. Why did he suddenly decide he was going to walk to WAWA instead of my driving over there on one of the hottest days of the year? Truly this area doesn't get more than one or two 95+ days a year and that day was one of them even if it was a month early.
I know that normally if you are using these drugs you give them to the patient according to their pattern. If they are sundowning, for example, they get the drug in the mid-afternoon to keep them calm during the bad part of their day. He doesn't have a pattern. He can go days and even weeks without an incident.
You learn some thing new all the time... Where can I get the bracelet? Maybe a dead bolt is not a good idea...but if and when my lo wants to walk outside I would have to go with him.. In Oct. where we live we are going to have a support group ...how wonderful..I need it. JOY
Copy and paste this link for information on the Safe Return bracelets and how to get them. They have paired with Medic Alert now, so all your LO's medications and medical information is also on file.
Has anyone checked with your county to find out if you are part of the Project Lifesaver program? Go to the left side of my website and click on Project Lifesafer for complete information on that one.
rather thatn the Safe Return Bracelet, I got one from Road ID. The bracelet has his name, address, phone number, memory impared, and in case of emergence call Chris (me) and my cell number. I also got him kind of a dog tag for around his neck, and it has a nice design on the front. Amazingly, he was thrilled when I gave them to him. I thought he'd be insulted, but he shows them to everyone, and brags that his wife doesn't want to lose him. You just never know. Also, I have a prepaid phone for him, which I keep charged and on. If we get separated, I know he won't know how to call me, but I can call him, and I have. Once he remembered to answer it, and I was able to find him, Other times, when he's wondered away from me in a store, I can hear it ring, and that leads me to him. My DD used to have a device for her kids which buzzed if the kids were more than 15 feet from her. Really handy in a store or mall. Also, the phone he has is programed to call me, on all numbers. I tell him, if you can't remember how to use it, ask a Mommy. Isn't that what we tell little kids. (lol)