I know this is all so trivial compared to what most of you are going through, but I don’t know how you do it. It is just so gut wrenching to watch my brilliant, best friend and dear husband, lose more and more each week. A difficult several days with DH: 1. I put my foot down on brother-in-law’s great idea that we buy him a $300,000 Florida property so that he and his wife could live there 6 months out of the year. It is a fixer upper, but not a problem because BIL’s BIL can fix it up real cheap for us. I emphatically explained all the reasons we were NOT going to do this – that the only way this would happen was over my dead body. I pointed out that his brother shouldn’t need our money (he has owned 3 gas stations all his life, and recently sold 2 of them). BIL told DH he could not afford the property himself, but it would be a great investment for DH. After my dressing down, DH decided to discuss this with his brother, finds out his brother has a $2 million net worth. So how in the world can he not afford it? DH says he never really got a straight answer on that. I bet! …sigh 2. It was time to move a matured IRA CD from one bank to another, to get a better rate. This is such a simple transaction. DH’s done this for decades. This time – you’d think I asked him to cut off his arm. Good news – in the end I convinced him, but it wasn’t easy. …sigh 3. After discussing tax advantage of Roth IRA conversion, he asked if we shouldn’t cash in our E Savings Bonds. ME: No, those bonds are earning 4.28% interest, the best we could make in a bank is 1.5% HIM: Yes, but if my taxes are going up 4.6% that will wipe out all that interest. ME: (I went to the bathroom and almost threw up.) …sigh 4. DH went to bank for a sales pitch. Loves the guy and all his ideas. Problem is - these are all the same ideas we’ve heard and rejected from every investment broker we’ve ever spoken to, some we’ve learned the hard way not to invest in. But now, DH thinks they are great ideas and we should do them….he REALLY likes this guy. …sigh 5. One of the great ideas was to purchase a “second to die” insurance policy so children could pay estate taxes with proceeds. ME: I don’t think anyone would sell you a new life insurance policy. HIM: (Very angry glare for me) Now! You’re probably right! (You can almost see the steam coming from his ears - he is apparently back to the continuing theme that there is nothing wrong with HIM, the only THING that is wrong is that I made him take “those tests” and got “this thing” on his record.) HIM: That’s why I am going to wait a year and go back and take that Pet Scan again and get this off my record. ME: What are you talking about? What Pet Scan? HIM: You know – that testing I did. ME: The neuropsych tests? HIM: Yes. That’s what I said. Why?! You don’t think I can go back in a year and do fine? ME: I don’t think your being in denial about your diagnosis is a good thing. ...sigh
Mary22033, you are definitely in the hair-pulling stage!!!! It is SO hard when you try to deal with them when they are in denial, and finding a way to respond or get your way (the correct way) is sometimes the hardest thing in the world to accomplish! Please come here and vent often!!!!
I do hope you have his Durable Power of Attorney to overturn anything he might sign when you aren't in his presence.....Can you make certain that he is not alone with his BIL EVER???? I wouldn't trust him to try to get your husband to sign when you are not around...the banker too......
You have to protect him from himself at this stage. One woman's husband lost hundreds of thousands of dollars during this period by making bad investments; another shredded documents, including stock certificates, wills, etc.; several bought cars; and these are just a few of the possibilities.....
We're here to hold your hand and hug you!!!! Vent away!!! and GOOD LUCK!!! ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Mary (in case you don't remember I am the gal whose dh is the same age as your husband). Your post sounded so much like my life several years agao and even had a similar 3 days of the same kind of thing after having our trusts done. But...that was the last time that will happen. I made it perfectly clear there is only one person in this family that can be in charge of money and that is me.....and if you don't agree...leave. Of course he is still here. I am sure he will bring finances up again and I will never...never...discuss them with him in any great detail...HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND, HE FORGETS WITHIN A HALF HOUR OR LESS AND HE IS NOT MENTALLY ABLE TO MAKE RATIONAL DECISIONS.....Would you trust another person with the same judgment as your husband with your money??? ?
Yeah, I guess there is something to be said for these guys progressing to where they no longer take any interest in business or banking. I mean...it's awful...but when they still try to do stuff but are irrational and have no judgment I guess it's sorta worse.
I am fortunate that I have been handling the fianances for our family for probably the past 35 years. DH didn't take much interest as long as the bills were paid & he had a couple a bucks in his pocket. We did invest some of his 401K when he retired (we were lucky he retired before everyone lost money). Our friend invested the money for us in an inuity which never lost any money. Well now DH thinks that our friend handles all our money & every time we see him he asks how our money is doing. I don't give him any cash anymore becuse he mosplaces it & then occasionally he will accuse me of taking it. When he asks about getting some money I just tell him that I will pay for whatever he wants.
My DH made some unwise investments in the years before we realized what was happening to him. Anyone else own bits of teak plantations? Time share in Portugal? Shares in (at the moment eminently unsuccessful) feeder ships? Three years of back taxes? We had had a successful business and he had some money to play with at the time. All gone now, but no urgent financial problems so I feel very lucky.
And yes, I was very glad when he started to let me handle all the finances. He doesn't worry about money anymore and has had the same 5 Euro bill in his wallet for months (a bit discolored from going through the wash, sorry about that).
Mine too. Usually he has about $20 in his wallet, but he doesn't know which section of the wallet to fish it out of so when we need it (I, in other words, find myself out of cash,) I help him find his $20.