Thunder, I see that I am the first to respond and wish that I had something wise and wonderful to tell you. I do not. I feel your pain. I spend many evenings just like you are tonight. All I can say is hang in there. I usually just cry until I am pretty well cried out. Then I take a deep breath, wash my face and go on. This sounds so trite as I read it, but I honestly can not think of anything else to tell you to do. I wish I had a magic wand or potion for all of us, but I don't. Hopefully someone will come along with better advice. Hugs
I have no advice to make you feel better but just wanted you to know that I'm here and feeling for you. Sometimes crying is the only way to make you feel better. Sending you (((hugs))).
Thunder I am sorry you are having a bad day. I know your pain. You and I are the same age. I quit my job 2 yrs ago, now I wish I had a job to get away from it for a while. I wish you a better day in the morning.
Thunder, I've cried more in the last few months than I have in the last few years. Speaking as a woman I always felt that every once in a while I needed a good cry. Well, now speaking as an ALZ spouse I think we all need a good cry every once in a while & sometimes more. Like the others said, we are here for you......."talk" to us ANYTIME! (((HUGS)))
Thunder-- When I reach that point where I feel as though I'll implode--or worse explode--I plain out call a halt. I sort of go on strike. I do what must be done-- for my DH and I potty the dog when needed-- BUT I just plain stop all the paperwork, phone calling, everything else. Claim the evening or day for myself even though still here (24/7 you know?) I watch a game on TV if there is one, or a movie. Often I escape into a book--I'm really good at that. The stuff I don't do will be there tomorrow, I know. But, I will be fresh tomorrow and will get it done.
This road we travel is rocky and rough and wears us down. Taking time, making time, for ourselves is imperative.
Take a break. Admittedly it won't change the big picture, but it will help you keep it in perspective.
Thunder, I feel your pain... While reading in bed last night, something I read set off a flood of memories, as though I was watching a movie. It was surreal and I began softly crying. I let it take me for a while and began my reading where I had left off. Sometimes we just have to go with the flow and allow those moments to come, and sometimes we're trying so hard not to let how we feel show that when we're alone is the only time we can. Just know we all know what you're going through and you're not alone.
Yes...I'm not sure it's "good" news, but I do think the raw pain of relationship loss is at its most intense in the earlier stages. I'm not sure I can say it gets better, but it gets different. I remember sitting in an inn on San Juan Island, on a getaway Jeff and I took a few years ago, and writing a sort of journal entry on inn stationery. I remember it as a moment of coming to terms with the reality that my wonderful marriage was no longer and would never be again.
Now we are roughly stage 5ish...(ish because the visual variant, Posterior Cortical Atrophy, can be hard to plot on the standard AD graph. Some things are better than classic 5. Some are worse.) But, by now I've long since wrestled with the immediate pain of loss of relationship. To a faretheewell. Now it's the struggle of living in the limbo years of AD...a different sort of pain. Not that the romantic heartbreak doesn't break through now and then...it can. But without the newness and bewilderment.
Thank you all for your words of kindness and advice. It is difficult to know what to say to people in our situation. I posted my grief here BECAUSE I knew you would all understand.
We are not in the early stages though. My sweet wife is clearly in early stage seven. We (my daughter and I) dress her, bathe her, feed her and take her to the bathroom. She is in depends 24 hours now but we do a good enough job with her toilet schedule that she rarely soils herself. She mumbles insistently in a cryptic little language all her own but cannot formulate an answer to a simple question. She has no idea who I am or our daughter (who at 24 is missing her mom so much). Yesterday was a bad day at work and the hour drive home wasn't enough for it to wear off before I had to deal with my home life again.
It has been so long since any part of my life has seemed normal and I realized last night that I can no longer remember my wife as her normal self. I have to look at pictures to imagine her as anything but the wraith-like shell she has become and This is not the image of her I want etched on my mind forever more. I cannot remember a woman's touch a kiss or that "look".
I am 56, strong and fit and I am frustrated to the point of perpetual distraction.
I no longer believe in god and I struggle to come up with reasons to keep going.
Hang in there Thunder....we all know it is not easy, but you are young enough that you will have a whole life ahead of you. Many things to see and do. Life has many twists and turns most we don't even expect or even dream about. You are doing the responsible thing now and you are going to feel so good about the care and love you have given your wife and your daughter is going to be so proud of you when this terrible battle comes to an end. Check out some of the posts from people with * by their name...this means their care giving days are over and their loved ones have passed and they express how they now can remember the good times that they thought they would never recall. We are always here for you and it does help to "let it all hang out". We all have to do that now and then. Hugs.
Thunder, read the posts from widows and widowers at the top of the page. Go back to the earliest posts and read how all of us came out of the depths of our grief and misery to being almost !!! Normal ??? again. It's not an overnight thing, I'm sorry to say, but every month is better than the one before. Be as strong as you can be.
Oh Thunder, my heart breaks for you. You're 56 and taking care of your wife in a way that you wouldn't have imagined doing for decades from now. My DH is only stage 5 and I'm 59 and feel I'm leading the life of an 85 year old. I am also having trouble remembering him as he was since he still talks in the same voice as before but sometimes he shuffles about with habits which remind me of my grandfather and sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a child.
Reasons to keep going: You know a big one for you is your daughter. Keep that in mind when all else fails you. She needs you.
And I agree with the others who mentioned how young you really are. A man of 56 is considered pretty young in our culture. But now you just need to get through day to day.
If there is any way you can get yourself out of there for even a couple days, DO IT. A change of pace may not seem like it will help much but it will help and give you some of the strength you desperately need.
I am fighting the battle against letting this disease take the both of us right now. I've written about depression on other threads but a few weeks ago I wouldn't have thought I would live past my husband and I didn't care. Now I'm fighting for him but also for me to have a life NOW and AFTER. Don't give up on you. She wouldn't have wanted that and neither would your daughter.
Thunder and Terry-I feel your pain, I am 55 and spent the evening cleaning up after a messy fecal incontinence issue, after which my husband came around the corner in one of my skirts. I look at pictures of myself now and see how much this has aged me, as has my parents' memory issues. Sometimes I feel like I am the one going crazy! Hugs to you both and too all of us who are having a rough day!
I believe we at the younger end of the age spectrum do have a somewhat different experience in being dementia caregivers. I often feel that part of my life must have gone missing, that I jumped from middle age into dealing with a much older lifestyle, seemingly overnight. Ironically, I always looked forward to retirement so much; now when I see women dressed in work outfits and on the go, I think about the unrealized "freedom" I had during my working years, to more or less come and go as I pleased.
Thunder, Terry's point about a man of 56 being young in our culture is very true. You are at an advantage being male, I think, in that "after" you will have opportunties to form another relationship with someone your age or younger. Generally, for women it a different situation--the men out there want a younger gal--and speaking for myself, why would I want to risk high odds of being a caregiver again by getting into a relationship with a guy significantly older than me?
On the plus side for us "younger folks", I think we usually have more energy and are (hopefully) in better health than we would be 20-30 years later. And this certainly has to make it easier for us to cope.
Sometimes, we think that we should do it all but this caregiving job is a "life threatening job", our life being the one threatened. The work, the sadness, the fear, the all consuming responsibilities is way too hard mentally, physically and emotionally. Also always worrying about our future alone. We never in our working days would have taken on such a hard, health threatening job. It is necessary to be the caregiver, but not to the point of putting 300% of ourselves into it. I wish that I had had this common sense way of thinking when I was going thru this with my Dh. It is absolutely necessary to have someone come in for a couple of hours 2 or 3 days a week for you to even take a walk in a park and sit on a bench just to breath fresh air away from the turmoil. This helps so much to ward off depression and emotional implotion or explosion! I thought I couldn't afford it, but in heinsight, I would have cut the grocery bill, electricity bill in half in order to do this for myself. I should have, before these health problems set in, and so should everyone who cares for an alzheimer's love one, this is so different from all other diseases. Take the time away, for yourself and your daughter.
"Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep, then I cried myself to sleep, so sure life wouldn't go on without you. But oh this sun is blinding me as it wakes me from the dark. I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart."
THUNDER PLEASE READ THIS:
"God DOES NOT give us what WE CAN HANDLE, He helps us HANDLE WHAT WE ARE GIVEN"
This bites, there is no nice way to put it. You love someone with all your heart and soul and as you lose them bit by bit you feel as though you are losing your heart and soul bit by bit. We are here for you, we know what you are going through and even a lot of what's ahead for you. Trust us and hang on. I'm tossing you the rope my friend, you'll find many of us hanging on with you. Arms around, Susan
((Thunder)) I see so much of me in your post that it is almost scary! I am 43, but this disease has aged my soul. Everyone tells me how good I look, I guess broken hearts don't show on the outside. I also understand about losing your faith. While Lynn was in the hospital last month I was so fearful this was the last goodbye, that I did speak (more like beg) to God for the first time in almost 3 years. I remember the day I stopped my blind faith and I let Him know why in spades! We lose so much, too much! It is hard to continue on. We reach the ends of our ropes so often, and there is only so many times you can tie a knot to hang on.
I will say, I don't know when it will happen for you... but "things" WILL get better! I am not saying they will ever be ok again, or that we will ever be whole again, but we adapt and adjust and somehow in the midst of all the pain we dig a little deeper and we find the strength to go on. I am just coming out of a pretty deep depression. I was not suicidal, but I just did not want to witness any more loss of Lynn. I wanted nothing more than to go before him, so I didn't have to see him decline more, so I didn't have to feel the pain anymore. Pretty selfish now that I can think clearly again. Now, now I am so grateful to have found that will to see Lynn through the end of his journey.
I don't know when your moment will come, but one day, perhaps even out of the blue like it did for me, you will come to a point of inner peace. And with that peace you find the strength and courage you need to march on.
Every now and then we need to retreat, so we can reload, so we can carry on. I am in no way suggesting I know your situation or what is best for you...but I do know every single caregiver needs breaks... and ((Thunder)) it sure sounds like you are long overdue! ♥
For years I could not remember who Lynn use to be, who we use to be. Oh the memories were there to haunt me, but most of the time all I could really see was the hell we were living. Lynn is now in mid to late stage 7 they tell me and still even now, he can his express his love for me. It isn't what it was, it isn't what I wish for, but that he is still able to say those words is a blessing I count every single day. And for those spouses here who have spouses that can't express with words, it isn't because the love is gone, it is merely that they can not communicate it to us. Alzheimer's takes so damn much from us, but it can't take the love... not if we don't let it. And I damn well wont!!
I am remembering more and more now... the memories are coming back swiftly, and even in the midst of the pain I just can't help but smile!!! We had such a great life, such a strong love. How silly I was to think ANYTHING could ever take that from me. When the pain is not so raw, you will remember your lovely wife again...... I am sure of it ♥ Hold on tightly we are here to help you when it seems too much to bear. ((big hugs))
Thunder, I feel like you right now. I can't stop crying and I hate everything. I hate the person I am becoming to my husband. I am tired of trying to stay calm and then wind up screaming and being a horrible person. I am tired of trying to do something to make my husband happy to just have a horrible day. I know some of you will say I need to chill and accept things as they come and not to make such a big deal of stuff when it happens. Most of the time I can do this but lately, all I seem to do is be mad,sad, angry, horrible and crying. I can't take this anymore and I want to leave. I want to just escape and go away. I can't and won't because I know when I am dealing with this better I will not feel this way. But right now I can't cope. I am tired. I don't know what to do. I am mad that this disease is making me into a horrible person. I am taking it out on my husband verbally. I am not proud of this but I can't seem to stop. Someone please tell me what to do.Today my husband went with his brother who is a quad. They went to the store and did some shopping, went to his brothers house, put up groceries, did a few chores for him and everything. Sure I am positive my brother in law had to tell my husband what everything was and what to do over and over. I do the same thing. But by the time I finally do what I asked him to do, I am angry and very verbal. That is not the way I want to be. I love my husband but all I want to do is to have him hurt like I am hurting. I know this is wrong but I can't seem to stop it. What is wrong with me..... I need some help. What can I do. This is not good for anyone. Please someone tell me how to handle this better.
mammie, so sorry you are having such a tough time. I have had no experience with dealing with those feelings but I think you really need to get some respite away from him for a while. It is possible for you to put him in a NH for a few days while you regroup and get some rest? Please try and find some way to help yourself. If you get down then there will be nobody to care for him. Some of the others here will be having some advice for you soon. Take care.....we care....
mammie--it sounds to me like you have not had enough time away from your husband. When my husband stopped working 6 years ago, we spent 2 years together virtually all of the time. That combined with trying to deal with the diagnosis put me into a state of constant tension; my nerves were frayed. Then I decided to send my husband to daycare 5 days a week--and while it wasn't a perfect solution, the respite plus the acceptance of the diagnosis on both of our parts made a huge difference. Later on I adjusted the schedule to 2 days/week daycare and 3 or 5 of in-home help. We are now in year 6, he has progressed from MCI, to early stage, to middle stage, but things are much calmer and better than they were. I agree with lmohr that you need immediate respite--but even if you put him in a facility for a few days, you should also make ongoing plans to either hire help or find a day program for him to attend.
Mammie, i googled adult day care centers in your area - i saw at least 3 of them in your city- have you thought of maybe having him attend daycare during the week a few days or hrs? this would give you much needed respite and time to recharge. it sounds as though you need some much needed time to yourself and are at the burnout point. contact your area on aging AAA in your area and someone can direct you to local resources. be sure to ask at the daycares if they have a sliding scale for pay, meaning they charge a reduced rate to help you pay if you find yourself in financial stress for daycare or helpers in home. try to find a way to get him out of the house or you a few hrs a week. it will make a huge difference in your mental outlook. divvi
Mammie, we can tell you what you SHOULD do, but when we feel like you do, it’s pretty hard to feel rational. I’m sure you have days when you feel as though you can get through anything, things go smoothly, your husband is cooperative, doesn’t get angry, everything is right with the world. And then, all of a sudden, you wake up one day and everything is going wrong. He’s angry over every little thing you do or say, and you get tired of holding in the anger you feel because you’ve been told over and over again, by doctors and others who have experienced these emotions, to keep saying to yourself, “It isn’t him saying or doing this, it’s the disease.” But, we get so tired of always having to hold our anger, our feelings don’t seem to matter, and no one in our world really seems to understand that sometimes we can’t stop the explosion.
We went on a lovely trip last week. I made sure we went to places that were familiar to him. We held hands, rested in a beautiful room, ate at wonderful restaurants, he spoke lovely things to me. To make sure he would enjoy himself, I admit I had to make sure I did everything he liked and to never say or do anything that would upset him. A day after we got home he wouldn’t come out of his room, was angry at me for every little thing he thought I did wrong, and life goes on as before. Having to hold our feelings at bay so they won’t get upset is extremely tiring, to say the least. So, find a place in your house to call your own, a place where you can let yourself go and scream if you have to. We cannot hold it in all the time, doing that will make us sick.
I understand the need for respite. I hear what others here say about day care and having someone in the house so we can go somewhere for a couple of hours. But, what do we do when we have a spouse who would never in a million years go to a day care program, who would never stand for having someone come in while I went somewhere else? That won’t happen until he doesn’t know it’s happening.
I have done my share of pitching a hissy fit. You know they can't help what they do but then you wonder if that is true. There are times I just do what I want to do and let the chips fall where they may. Lately he does not want any TV on but he wants me to sit there in the silence with no conversation that makes any sense and I can't do it. I just go to my office with the computer and a TV and do my thing. He wanders in and out wanting to know when I'm coming back. Where is it written that I have to be miserable? At 82 I don't have many years left and I am going to have some ME time. I take care of him very well and try to make him happy but I am going to do some things for me.
Thank all of you for your beautiful words. I do feel better, at least I can see the page now. No more tears for a few minutes I hope. It is not that my dh gets so mad, it is that my son who is here with us judges all that I do. He makes remarks or just gives looks that speak what he feels. I feel like no matter what Ido it is not good enough. My dh does not say this our son makes me feel this way. Also some of the problem is the way I make me feel when I get so mad and tired. I feel like a horrible person. I do know many of you have the same feelings as I do from time to time. I am not want the last thing my dh remembers is how angry and mean I was. Thanks for all of you listening. I just need this sometimes. I will call the day care centers and ask about fees. I wonder tho if they will take him as he wanders and gets lost from room to room. Once a month we go to a luncheon with some of our old classmates that we have reconnected with. My dh does not visit much if any because he can't follow the conversation. I know if he went to a day care he would just sit or wander around. He does the same at his brothers house. when I do leave him once a month to take my sister to the store, my dh has a hard time dealing with me being gone. The last time he grabbed onto me like he was not going to let go. And that said a lot because he does not even hug me anymore. I will try to find someone who will help me. Thanks again, Love in Christ to my cyber family......
By what right does the son have to give you the glances of disapproval of all that you try to do for your DH? Enlighten if you can, just what does he do to help you? If he is just there taking up space,making more work for you with no real support then were I in this situation I would invite him to take on the tasks, put his money where his looks are or put a bag over his head, shut his mouth or better yet, leave. There is nothing more discouraging and tiring than having someone around who does not help, does not offer to help but is free with judgments. If I have missed something, I'm sorry in advance but from what I pick up here this is not right. The added tensions I think are felt by our memory impaired LOs who cannot assimilate or understand what is going on but know it is not good and this disturbs them greatly as well as ourselves and that just makes the whole situation even worse.Take care and let us know how you are doing. You sound like you are in desperate need of respite time. Can you manage to get away and have your son take charge for a few days? You can get a break and your son can get a feel for what you are dealing with day in and day out.
Bev--Much has been written on these boards about strategies to use when introducing in-home help or daycare attendance. Yes, there is no magic bullet with this disease! Everything is a struggle, it is true. However, for example, telling him the aide is to help YOU with housecleaning or telling him he's a volunteer or a paid worker at daycare CAN work. It did for me--of course, my husband, who had been a professional all his work life wasn't thrilled with the idea of attending daycare in the early stage of AD at age 61; he was used to being "the boss" and having employees work for him. He also wasn't crazy about having a "babysitter" come in to our home so I could go out without him. However, I always remind myself that I am at an advantage here--at this point, I am smarter than he is and I need to use my creativity to come up with explanations that he will buy into. The story of him being paid to work at the daycare was the motivator that worked with him--someone here even gave a daycare a little extra money so they would issue her husband a check.
Mammie--A good daycare program is set up for wanderers!!!!!!!!!!!!! It comes with the territory. The center my husband attends has more security features than Ft. Knox, and has hallways set up the provide a continual loop where pacers and wanderers can go. Also, they are experts at including people in the group activities and always have at least 2 different level activities going on. However, if a participant wants to just sit or wander, they can do that. As long as your husband is safe and you are provided respite, then I think your goals will be met.
Thunder, deb is so right, crying is most of the time a good thing. It is a release for me, it actually helps me to carry on a little bit longer. Of course, it doesn't really feel good while you are doing it. I just try not to do it while my DH is around because he doesn't understand and it just upsets him more. We are here for you too. Who knows when I may need the comfort of all of us or someone else on here well. It well happen and that is why we need each other. I also hope that you have a friend or" someone who gets it" like joans blog mentioned. That was so neat that joan finally got out and enjoyed herself and we all hope that we can find someone like that if we haven't already.
MarilyninMD: The words your husband uses, such as "babysitter," sounds just like mine. On the higher dose of Seroquel his explosiveness and paranoia have again dissipated, at least for a while. He can do most things for himself if he wants to, and to most people he seems perfectly normal, albeit quite a talker! Like yours, my husband was always the "boss," used to giving, not taking, orders. He also doesn't want to do anything resembling work. He's retired and feels he has worked enough, so I don't know how tempting him to daycare by saying he will be "helping" others will work. He's perfectly satisfied with the status quo. He refuses to acknowledge there is anything wrong with him, and I let him do that. Whether it's right or wrong, I don't know, but it gives him a satisfying life believing everything is fine. Someday, and things seem to be moving pretty fast now, I'll be ready to tell the "white lies" I know I need to tell. I told a little one last week, and it was very, very difficult for me. I kept feeling as though I would be found out. Of course, tonight I'm feeling good and feeling as though I will be able to do this longer, but tomorrow, as we all know, could be very different, to say the least. I keep promising myself to get someone in to "help with the housework," but I procrastinate.
Mimi, you did not talk out of turn, what you said is right on target. I have told my son to move back in with his oldest brother and then he straightens up. He is learning to read my moods better and will quieten down after a little bit. It is hard on him to see his father like this so some of the issues I overlook. Maybe I am so sensative sometimes I take things the wrong way. Today has been a better day and I am putting more responsibility on my son. He sees what is going on and he is handling it better than I am. Go figure,,,,, some of what he says is true. I am angry, mad, hurt, and negative sometimes. But that is far from all the time. I have decided to put this where it goes, in God's hands and I am going to back down and let my son work with my husband more. No, I can't leave the two together because my son had traumatic brain damage and it is tit for tat as to who is able to do what. My son can't smell, taste or remember. My husband can't remember so they are not safe by themselves. They would loose a few lbs. tho.....But thanks for all the advice. I am also going to look into day care for my dh for at least one day a week. I appreciate all the input from all of you. You are all more like family and friends to me than blood kin is. Thanks for that. God has extended all of our families to each other. Our common denominator is not only our Lord it is this horrible disease and we know who is bigger......Our Lord....... thanks, and good night to all.
Bev--The white lies (or therapeutic fibbing--another name) do seem weird at first, but it gets easier as you go along. Especially if you have had a good marriage, your husband trusts you and he will believe what you say. One thing I had going for me was that my DH was always involved in community service, so "volunteering" at the daycare to help others appealed to him. You are correct in allowing him to think he is fine, as long as you're still able to keep him safe, prevent him from driving, etc. I actually tell my husband he is getting better, to make him happy...why not?
Mammie, some of your descriptions of how you feel sound like me when I forget to take my antidepressents. Are you on medication to help you cope? As several of use here say, "Better living through pharmacology." I am entitled to say it, since my husband has a Ph.D. in Pharmacology!!
Bev, Reading your post I felt like I was reading something I might have written. My DH also refuses to acknowledge that anythign is wrong with him. He also refuses to believe that when something is lost that he had anything to do with losing it (although that, I believe, is the nature of the "beast"!) I also have a very difficult time with the "white lies". At this point in time I know that he would NOT be receptive to going to any type of adult day care facility, especially if I didn't stay with him. I am very blessed that my daughters are close by & help me. I work one day a week & I take my DH across the street to my daughter's house & he either stays with her all day or my other daughter picks him up & takes him for the day. As far as getting someone in to help with the housework, well financially that isn't an option. If I could just get rid of some of the clutter I think I could manage the rest, but as you said....I procrastinate!
Yes, Janet I have my little blue chill pill that I think needs to be readjusted. I am going to talk to the dr. on the next visit I have. I need a much BIGGER BLUE CHILL PILL for the bad days.........the little one will do for most of the time........thanks for asking.....
My DH is now doing what I read about in posts here earlier, shadowing. I assumed that shadowing meant that he would follow me around everywhere I went, and he hasn't been doing that. But now, he has to know where I am all the time. If he doesn't know, he hollers out, "Bev, where are you?" And I have to yell back where I am. He wants to go where I go as well. If I say I have to go to the store, he'll say he wants to go too. I don't mind it, really. But, I do feel the need to be alone once in a while. I am getting a break tomorrow. I'm going with a friend to a clothing store we frequent. They're having a special day for their best customers with refreshments and giveaways, as well as sizeable discounts. I'm looking forward to it.
What nice messages you people write. I wish I could cry. I just don't. I get almost to the point of weeping and it's gone. I know I'd feel beter if I did cry. I actually feel sort of nu8mb. This disease is so sad.
Jean, NO! You are not a cold person! I don't usually cry cuz I don't like anyone to see me cry. But there are times when the tears just come & no matter how much I bite my lip the tears just come. Luckily I usually have enough time to go off by myself so no one sees. My children have seen me cry & I hate that. When we went to a family reunion this summer I was talk to my son who lives away & I was telling him things that his Dad is doing. Occasionally he would wipe his cheek under his sunglasses, it was then that I realized he was crying. I had to end the conversaton & walk away otherwise I would have started crying & so would all the other relatives who were standing there listening.
Bev--I think your husband's wanting to know where you are all the time is a form of shadowing. I remember the day I heard fear in my husband's voice when he didn't know where I was--he sounded like a little boy, scared. From that time on, the shadowing didn't bother me because I realized it was motivated by his fears.
Mawzy...I feel the same way! I am so sad about what is happening to my DH, but I no longer cry either. I want to, but the tears do not come very often for me. And I come very close to crying, but guess you can't force a good cry. I remember when we first got the diagnosis of AD, I would cry all the time...not in front of my husband of course, but I would find a way to get off by myself and shed the tears quite easily. I don't think we are numb, though...maybe it's a defense we have set up to protect ourselves so we can just carry on.
I wrote here some time ago about not being able to cry. After that I saw my psychologist and talked to her about it. I was in the same situation as bella. I wanted to cry and felt like I was going to, but I couldn't. Ever since then, I cry a lot. I don't know what she said or did, but it certainly loosened up the tears. I cry whenever I think about what is happening to my husband and what is coming for both of us.
I tend to shed a few tears when I get especially angry at what this disease is doing..it has ruined everything from trips, to walks up the street ( can't get him to go for a walk with me) to how friends either ignore or take advantage ( in my view) of him or us, expect our lives to be normal and that we can do everything we used to despite knowing what has happened here...seeing others going on about their lives with all the dreams we had too that are now in the trash can.. I guess it is not only the loss but the utter frustration that brings it on.
We all have our own ways of grieving and dealing with our losses, our frustrations, our anger.......
I cry when I get mad. REALLY mad.
I have cried....and gone through periods where no tears would come. Watching him sleep now and he looks like he is no longer alive, has me tearing up...but not crying.
There is nothing wrong with crying, throwing pillows, stomping, slamming kitchen cabinets and doors, going out into the car and screaming....whatever relieves your pressure!!! Go for it!!!!
Mary, I also cry when I get really mad. It makes it very hard to manage telling someone you are angry about something and getting them to discuss the issue.