It seems like 3 weeks is the limit for reasonable function with my DH. Today was a terrible melt down. I thought I would have to call 911 and have him taken to the hospital. He had been on a rant for several days regarding these new trust we have had done. At first he acted like he understood them and I really think he did understand most of it. But, the grandson came over to pick up a check to open a Trustee Account on a rental we own that has been put in a trust. My husband got so upset after grandson left regarding the fact that if he had to go into a facility he would have to "beg" or "ask" the grandson for money if he wanted money. I told him not to worry...you don't beg or ask...you tell the trustee what your needs are and they write the check if it is reasonable and this would only happen if I were dead. Then I told him it really wasn't any big deal because if he was VA/medicaid approved he could only have $2,000.....this set him wild....for three days we have been disgusting these trusts. He goes from one thing to another and keeps changing his position on what he wants and doesn't want. I was nearly ready to have myself commited. Finaly...after 3 days of this crap....he seemed to calm down and accepted what the attorney and I wanted in the first place....he doesn't remember half of what was said. He had a spell like this 3 weeks ago and hardly remembered any of it the next day. Is this a pattern??? Melt downs every three weeks. very strange behavior. My head aches so badly I can hardly stand it.
JudithKB, My husband did the same about 2 years ago. It is so sad. He would get nearly abusive like I was trying to pull something over on him. As you know by now, you cannot reason with them or explain what happened. They know your are lying.
But....his meltdowns could appear on any subject that came up. It wears you down. His final meltdown came when he drove to our little clinic (I live in a very small town in West Texas) told them I was trying to kill him, that I made a bomb the night before and was going to blow up the clinic etc., etc. So horrible. That went on for about two years before I had to place him a year ago.
I have the same problem with my DH and I have learned that I have to limit what I tell him because if I tell him too many details of what is going on he gets aggitated because he can't do anything to help me but he wants to and then for the next few days he is worried and fretting about it and then it drives me crazy.
My hb had 2 melt downs within a week cause we couldn't get the satellite to come in. I sent him to bed for a nap which helped some. The only remedy was to pay someone $100 to come do it for the week we have left here. After that, we will see. It is the first time we had so much problems which turned out to be he loosened up the adjustment for skew too much which caused the dish to slide down out of alignment. Another day of education!
Judith, is your husband still so alert that he understands the financial issues at all? My husband has been so out of it for years already that he has had no trouble leaving it all to me and I just tell him whatever will not upset him. He signs anything I ask him to, usually insists on "reading" it first. If he refuses I ask him again a few hours later when he's in a better mood. Perhaps I'm blessed with complicance in these issues (not when it comes to changing Depends, however. No complicance there.)
Jeanette: The answer is Yes and No. He understands he still has his IRA in an annuity. He also understands that we need to transfer it or change it so the money is distributed on a monthly basis to meet the requirements for medical/VA assistance when it is needed. His major problem is that he does not understand why the funds need to be placed in the "TRUST" which would give me complete control instead of our joint account. I think the melt down came when he would agree one minute to everything I said and then within 15 minutes he was totally against me being in charge. This went on for almost 3 days. It consumed his thoughts...he would constantly say..."I worked all my life for this money and no one is going to take it from me." Another thing that has set him wild is that he understands that the trust provides for his lifetime care and if I die before him then my grandson would be the trustor/trustee. My grandson is a well educated, strong family man, follows the word of God and the most trust worthy person I could think of to be in charge in the event I died before my husband. My dh...thinks he should be in charge if I die. I kind of blame myself...or totally blame myself for his confusion...I told him too much...he didn't need to know the details. The good that has come out of this is I have told him....GET USE TO IT....I AM IN CHARGE OF ALL FINANCES FROM THIS DAY FORWARD AND YOU CAN LIKE IT OR NOT...BUT THAT IS THE WAY IT IS AND I WILL NEVER HAVE THIS DISCUSSION AGAIN...PERIOD. I WILL MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS REGARDING YOUR CARE FINANCIAL AND OTHERWISE. I WILL BE KEEPING ACCURATE RECORDS AND IF ANYONE WANTS TO CHALLENGE WHAT I HAVE DONE...SO BE IT....and I don't want to hear another word about money...period. My husband has never been a person that wants to trust someone.
Judith, I remember when my husband was cognizant enough that he realized that things were happening with investments and money. Most of the time he was fine but if he got set off he would scream that I had stolen his car (wouldn't let him drive) and I took all of his money. If we were home I just let him carry on, but it was so embarassing if he would start getting angry in a public place. I remember one morning at IHOP when he pushed his chair back, threw his napkin on his plate and loudly announced to every other patron that I was a thief and had stolen all of his money. I wanted to fall thru the floor but I just gathered up our stuff, went and paid the bill and got the hell out of there. Never did go back.....LOL!
Speaking as a male there is no doubt in my mind that asserting yourself in financial matters now is the right thing to do and it sounds like things have been thoroughly considered including taking real care in picking the character of the trustee and setting the trust up.
I feel deeply for all the women here who suffer from the ego centric male character that comes in handy when we want heavy things lifted but can cause real pain when they become sick with AD and the balance of their character changes.
Being strong males and not giving up is taught to us from the very first years. Girls are taught that a skinned knee hurts and boys are taught that it doesn't. At least that's the way it was when I grew up and it was the same in Dearborn or Joliet where I spent entire summers not just up here in Ontario.
And just like I have to get more in touch with my feminine side now caring for the house, doing the laundry, providing a balanced diet, being supportive and nurturing, women in this situation have to get more in touch with their male side. Taking charge, being dominant, toughing it out no matter what we feel inside.
When you used caps to express those thoughts you sounded just like males keeping themselves strong inside. The other part is being willing to scrap at the drop of a hat to defend your territory. Or at least sounding like it.
The thing about leadership is not talking about taking charge. Just take charge. I remember clearly taking my very strong and powerful father's driver's license and credit cards away. My mother couldn't take that power because she was the most supportive giving woman but there wasn't much domination in her. She tried to reason with him. I walked in, told him I was taking them, stood in his face and screamed louder than he did, and wouldn't budge until he gave them to me. On the way back home I pulled over and cried. I told him I didn't want to take his pride away but I had to. And I did have to. He was the one who taught me how.
I know all this sounds sexist and it is - but in our generation I also think that's the way many of us grew up.
I'm still learning what AD does. Like taking the spoons out of the toaster this morning which I noticed at the last second. I'm trying to be more nurturing like my mother was and less judgemental in my thinking.
It reminds me of a George Carlin joke. Men are stupid. Women are crazy. Most women are crazy because men are stupid. It's just a joke, but the caregiver may do better when they open up to their other side which every one of us (I believe) we have inside.
I know it hurts when Alzheimer's uses our spouses mouth to say terrible things.
JudithKB...Thanks for standing up to him and the firm way in which you did it. I had a friend who had to put her mom in daycare and finally had to tell her, "I'm making the decisions now."
Thanks everyone for your support and all the comments that makes me feel I have done the right thing. I know I have and I feel so much calmer and better about the situation.
Judith, I am in awe of your "take no prisoners" approach. I know I am going to face the same problems one day, and I will keep in mind your strength and try to model it. You go girl!
I am having serious problems with DH in the financial area, too. This morning after going round and round about an IRA CD renewal with him, I finally grabbed my head and screamed. That was the first time I have ever screamed at him. But I think he literally would have sat there repeating the same nonsense concerns over and over for hours if I had let him. It's such a simple matter, something we've done over and over for the last upteen years - when it's up for renewal, you find the best rate and if the current bank won't come close to matching that rate, you move it. For some reason now, the thought of moving that CD has become some insurmountable probkem for him.
I think most of us caregivers have been use to sharing responsibilities or even worse letting our husbands be in charge and it is difficult to assume this new role of caregiver and being in complete charge of most things. I have tipped toed around wanting to be "fair", explaining every financial move I make, asking him what he thought, what he wanted and believe me it gets you no where. They no longer understand and can no longer make a decision that is lasting. It just adds to our burden to think this way and to try and have "business as usual". I know now that I must and can be the only one in charge and if he doesn't like it so be it...what is he going to do??? Oh, yes, he might threaten to leave and he did that during this 3 day ordeal and I told him the minute he walked out the door I was going to call the police and have him taken to the hospital and they would probably commit him. Unfortunately, I can now see every time there is one of these major melt-downs our relationship loses something....but, in reality how can you expect to have the same relationship you had when the person is no longer the person you fell in love with?? Maybe it is even better that you don't have the same relationship and it makes it easier to take the hard line. I have learned so much this week and now I feel so much better.
Judith, I would let it rest for a few days hoping he will forget the details. Then maybe just tell him they are routine papers that need to be signed for the trust. I don't know if he will read them - hopefully not. You can tell him as little as possible.
When we had the DPOA done last year it became effective immediately - includes financial and medical.
Wolf K, I like your post and do not think it was sexist or out of line at all. It is good for me to see this horrible disease thru the eyes of anybody that is dealing with it but especially thru the eyes of a male caregiver. Not only are you a caregiver, but a male that has the inside feelings of a man. even tho my dh is still here in body, in spirit and mind he is gone. Thanks for the way you put the words in your post. It sure gives you something to think about from the other side of the coin.
mammie---I agree with you. We need to encourage the men here to share a bit more of the "masculine" side to these issues, just as they have asked for our help with the "feminine" take on things they've not had to deal with before. It can only help us when we have a better "clue" as to where our LOs are coming from.