On most days my man can't tell me how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, yada-yada. Not complaining about that. However, within the space of 1 short hour, he discoveres that his ice cream is gone (it's been gone for days), he turns sullen and almost angry and takes off by himself to go to the store. His usual m.o. is to just to take off and not say a thing to me. As I have asked him to at least tell me where/when he's going, he's been a bit better lately. But, I just don't get why he has to get to pissy in such a short time for no good reason. Sorry to dump all this on you all, but you seem to understand and give me some glimpses of what is normal (whatever that is for an AD person) for my forseeable future.
Mothert,myhusband is like that too.One minute all loving and cheerful and "bang" ,throws down whatever is in his hand and stalks off. I chalk it up to the AZ ,in a few minutes he will forget what made him upset.I see him go thru so many stages I wonder what will be next.I'm hoping he will not get aggressive.I won't br able to handle that
mothert this moody behavoural changes is not uncommon. many of us have been thru this as well. what is worrisome is that they will leave at moments notice and you find out too late they have left the house. we really dont know how badly they can become dissorientated and lost until its too late. even if they appear they can navigate the ideas of 'going home' or some other obsession can lead into dangerous situations sometime. the mood changes can sometimes be countered with medicine adjustments by his dr. adding or deleting may be in order if they become more noticeable. dr jekyl/mr hyde personality has been used more than once by so many of us. til you can iron out the constant changes needed to counter the bad mood swings its best to avoid confrontations. good luck. divvi
Good luck mothert. My DH doesn't go out alone. He gets lost in the house sometimes! As for mood swings, sometimes he will get a little upset about something but usually gets over it quickly.
What concerns me more than the moodiness is that he goes to the store by himself - I am assuming by DRIVING???? If this is the case, please check out the discussion topic - http://thealzheimerspouse.com/vanillaforum/comments.php?DiscussionID=21&page=12#Item_35
Moodiness and behavior changes are pretty standard AD behavior. Just one more aggravation we are expected to adapt to.
mothert, my DH would go out (drive) and never tell me he was going or where he was going. One Sunday afternoon he left without so much as a word, so when it came time to make dinner, I went downstairs to start cooking. The tv was on, the dog asleep and no DH. I called the police at 10 pm to report him missing. Received a call at 4:30 am from state police 2 hours away saying they caught him going thru a toll booth in the wrong direction and would not let him drive home. Review of our EZ Pass statement showed he'd gone as far as Baltimore, MD (3.5 hours away) to try and find his way home and he spent $150 on gasoline on the trip (I think he actually drove further than Baltimore). I tell you this because it is dangerous for your DH and the general public. He WILL get disoriented and may not be able to find his way home. I took the car away and he hasn't driven since.
LFT a similar situation happened with my uncle, who lived alone. He drove from his home in the country through a medium size town 2 hours away, hit a tree somehow and turned around and headed back home. This was after the police were at the scene and steered him back to the right direction. He stopped at a Service Station about mid-way back and it happened they knew him. He told them he was lost. My cousin had the Police looking for him in a several county area. This also had a good ending and he was brought back home. But, things like this do happen often and many times with disastrous results. Best to you all dealing with the driving issue because I know it is a biggie.
Boy, I would relaly like to get the car keys away from him but I don't think he's ready to hand them over. When I drive with him and he's driving, he really drives slowly. I wonder if that's because he's a bit disoriented? Not sure, but I do know that he's not ready to surrender the keys. I keep hoping that he will get lost and have to call me and that will be that, but so far not happenin.
I HATE all this. I feel depressed, no joy with nothing good to look forward to. I keep trying to convince myself to do my best to make his everyday as joyful as possible, but that doesn't happen much. I'm tired of having to keep it all together but have no choice. Blah, blah, blah - life sucks right now!!
Mothert, if you are waiting for him to willingly hand over the keys, you will be waiting a long time. Most of us had to make that decision and then handle the fall out. I would never have been able to live with myself if my husband had killed some innocent people while he was driving. It is just another one of the awful things we have to deal with.
I second Sandi's words. In addition, I have been told that if someone with this dx injures another party in an accident, you could be held responsible because you didn't stop him from driving. If you prefer, you can let his doctor take care of the details--he can notify the motor vehicle administration in your state of the dx, his license will have to be turned in, and then most of the anger your husband will feel can be directed at the doctor (hopefully).
mothert. Just tell him you need the practice to drive, that he has done it so long but you need to keep up or improve your skills..that is what I did and it works like a charm here. I tell him he needs to be my copilot and watch the mirrors for me and he does and it makes him feel he is "teaching" me..save his pride but get those keys. And if he has any weapons, like a KBar or guns etc get a safe and get that stuff locked up, also important papers, jewelry etc..leave nothing to chance.
Iwas going through the same thing 2 years ago. It's scarey to be a passenger with him. I was in the doctor's office and told him about it.He told me that if DH got into any kind of an accident,he and I could both be sued and we would lose. He said depending on the judgment we could lose our house, our bank account and everything else.
The doctor told me to get his driver's license number for him. I felt like a thief in the night but I waited until DH was asleep. Got his wallet and called the doctor's office. I left the message and his driver's license number on the answering machine. A fes days later, DH got a letter from the state DMV requesting he come in and be retested. He was furious. Yelling. Cussing. Stomping around.
Our son to take him into the DMV--which he GLADLY did. I warned son that it might be really ugly. He said he could handle it. DH went up to the desk and threw his license down along with the letter from the state. They asked him if he wanted to schedule a test. He said "NO, the H--- with it." They punched his license and gave him a temporary ID card. It was all over with in about 10 minutes.
I was fortunate enough to find a buyer for his pickup within a couple of days. He still tells people that he had to give up his license because of his age. Who cares? He's off the road. I have NEVER felt guilty about it. It had to be handled and it was handled swiftly and efficiently.
I don't drive either--my eyesight, you know. But it's a whole lot easier to take the bus or have someone else drive than take the chance of injuring someone or damaging someone else's property.
My DH (58) has been driving until last month. Diagnosed four years ago but I had noticed problems with attention while driving for a while prior. I was always telling him to "look a the road!" When he was diagnosed we had the Driver OT test as suggested by doctor and he passed it at that time. We began a program of me driving when we were together. Also, I would not let him drive our son who was 14 at that time. We negotiated an acceptable territory for him to drive i.e close to home, to grocery store, to bank, all very short distances. He complied nicely partly because I regularly but gently brought up the fact that our system would help him keep his license longer. This past year he has physically "slowed" and I knew that his reaction time in a vehicle would be problematic. Our doctor wrote another scrip for the Driver OT and this time he did not pass. DH swore that it was because the therapist "didn't like him"! However, I got a copy of the report sent to me as well as to doctor. I read it to DH. Yes, he is sad now not to drive but I think reading the detailed report helped him to understand the "why" of it. Definitely seems more official than just me asking him to stop driving. Along with not driving comes more responsibility for me. I used to love to send him regularly to the post office, bank and grocery store just to get him out for a while. (long sigh..) Anyway, I think the driver test is well worth the money. If he passes it, then you can feel free of the liability issue. If not, then you ethically must deal with that also. And yes, I hate this disease.
it may be a good idea to run it past the insurance company if hes been diagnosed with dementia but passed the driving test. their qualifications for insuring a liability may have a different idea. most underwriting dept for insurance companies have their own criteria for whom they deem a risk or not and who they will insure able or not and what the premiums will be with special risks involved, - if they arent informed they can use that against you if a claim is presented.
Is it ok to have the title certificate in both our names, with OR instead of AND...but the insurance held only by the driver? I changed the insurance to just me as the principal driver and the bills in my name. Is this enough?
pris did you delete your spouse off the insurance policy? i sold insurance for many yrs and here in tx whomever the vehicle is titled to must be on the insurance policy. if there is a claim you want all titled owners 'covered' under your policy. remember if theres a claim they dont sue only the person on the insurance policy but who OWNS the vehicle too. thus it may be wise to ask your insurance agent about it or just put the car in your name alone if you've changed the policy. i would call your agent as each states laws can vary- divvi
these driving comments should probably go under the driving topic. !
Divvi---thanks. I think I just changed it so that I'm the principal driver. We just traded cars for a new Prius. It's in both our names. I'm thinking about dropping the umbrella policy now that he's not driving at all. Tomorrow I'm going to check in on all this. Just got thenew car a few days ago.
PrisR - is the umbrella policy on your car or homeowners. One of the things our lawyer suggested was upping the umbrella policy not just when he was driving but because he could cause damage due to the AD and someone could sue.
I think it's just on the car. I dropped the homeowners as we're in a retirement facility, gated and very safe. And after they installed hurricane windows I no longer worried about water damage. I'm ready to let of the umbrella policy.
A co-worker put insurance in a very interesting light one time. It is like gambling. The insurance company is betting that nothing will go wrong and you are betting something will. They make money because a lot of people bet something will go wrong against the real odds that something will go wrong only for a few. Our lawyer made the statement that the more you have to protect, the better an idea it is to have the umbrella policy.
The umbrella policy did not cost a whole lot when added onto homeowners insurance but I felt a lot better with it in case he did damage somewhere along the way to someone else's property.