I was doing a lot of thinking, I do believe I have been depressed. I thought I was just tired. Now I think it was depression. With the help of everyone here and a good visit with my mom I am doing much better. I went out and got a bag of bird seed and have my yellow finches back singing at the feeder. They make me so happy. I cleaned up the house and made a good dinner for the family. All things I enjoy. It felt like normal. I needed that. I worry to much about what will happen. So far everything has worked out, so why worry. It will be, what it will be. And we will get through it somehow.
There is some book that alot of people have that says the needs for today is enough, and not to let the worries of the future, rob us of today. I think that is a great concept but it is difficult to implement.
I have been in a support group to try to help me deal with my Dad's suicide. I take a lot of what I have learned and apply it to losing Lynn, all loss really.....Here is one story I really like. It was from a newsletter awhile back...
"When speaking publicly about suicide, I like to tell the story of the tree and the tree house. It's a true story. There is, in fact, a tree, and are remnants of the tree house. Both are in my backyard.
The tree is sturdy, large and leafy, taller than my two-story house, and mature, its trunk nearly three-feet thick. For children from a bygone era it was nature's version of playground equipment. More than just for climbing, the tree's hand-shaped branches held a tree house built many years ago by a farmer for his children.
As the years passed, the tree house fell away until nothing was left but a two-by-four attached to the trunk. As the tree grew taller and thicker, the board climbed higher and sank deeper into the trunk. Obviously, a board with rusty nails embedded in a tree is not natural to the tree, but the tree continued to grow so that today the trunk, bark and board are one.
The lesson that perhaps can be taken from the tree and the tree house is that when a tragedy becomes attached to our hearts, then we must find a way to grow with it, grow around it and allow it to be with us, but of course not become us. That is growth. And growth takes courage."
I called my husband's doctors, both PCP and neurologist, and they both offered help. Some of the help I'm just not ready to deal with yet, but I may change my mind the next time we have one of his angry outbursts. They suggested I give him a larger dose of the Seroquel, both morning and night, and we will see if that brings me to another "honeymoon period," as the neurologist said I have gone through the past year. She's very worried about me, as is his PCP and, especially, my PCP. But, hopefully, I can handle it until I can't handle it anymore.
He's been very, very good the past couple of days. Right now, he's in the shower, not always an easy thing to get him to do. I've been able to get my papers together for the eldercare lawyer, so I'll be able to fill out their long forms, something I've been putting off all summer.
I have invested 52 years in him. I care about him deeply and I don't want to have to put him anywhere unless there is nothing else I can do. I've promised to get some help in for me, at least to help with the housework for now.
The doctors have suggested day care, but I just can't figure out how to get my very, very stubborn husband out of the house if he doesn't want to go. When he says "no, he means no. He seems to want to be with me when I go anywhere lately, which he never did before, except when I get my hair done, so tomorrow will be a respite day for me for a couple of hours when I do that. He hasn't mentioned anything about my time at the spa and he's being nice to my sister. I hope this lasts for a while.
The words all of you have spoken will be heeded. I'm lucky to have all of you to talk to and to read your beautiful words.
Texas Joe, I am so glad to read your post. Every since the loss of your dw I have been worried for you. My dh is still with us so I don't know exactly what you went thru but to have seen you in such horrible shape, made my heart go out to you. I am so glad you are doing better. God Bless you each day with a better one tomorrow and please keep sharing the good news that things do get better. I will always remember no matter how down I get when my time comes to say good bye to my dh, your encouraging words. There have been many people saying encouraging words in these post, but something about your hurt touched me deeply. Please keep posting and helping the ones of us that are still struggling with this.....thanks again for the hope we see in you....
mammie - Thanks for saying what I had been thinking.....it has been great to hear the hope in TJ's posts. I have been reading for over a year and am so thankful for the help you regulars have been.
I have now read through this thread twice and find it very meaningful. We are all in need of a refreshing relationship with God.
When Carol first became fully entrendhed in the world of the Alz. I prayed and asked my friends to pray that God give Carol a miracle and heal her from this dreaded disease. God has not answered that prayer but He has not said No either. Instead, he has shown me a part of our relatioship with God that is sometimes called THe great Commision. the Bible tells us to Go and be My Witness. Sure evangelism is good but being a good witness to my wife, my family, my friends and even strangers. I have done a fair job of 24/7 and even now that Carol is in a NH, I still feel that my Good deeds are the Witness that I can be to the staff and even other residents and their family. They know and often comment about our noticiable Love for each other. Remember, that we were not saved by our works but saved to do good woris. we can't accoomplish much with a negative attitude. PMA is real and present in my life and you better believe that it helps me through these tough times. Youse guys are so great to have and share these thoughts with as we struggle through this journey.
I'm at the married widow stage. My husband is in a nursing home and I visit regularly but don't stay long and I don't do any hands on caregiving anymore.
I'm still recovering from the last two crazy weeks he was home and also the last crazy couple of months and even the last year. It is September now and last September is when his downturn started. It was a faster slide than what had happened earlier but much slower than what happened during the last few months before he was placed.
I had a friend who asked me this Friday how I could be so upbeat. It made me think about it. Starting a couple of years ago I began to work on being happy for no reason, and that was before I found the book of the same name. I decided to allow myself to feel joy if it came around ANYWAY. And after a couple of years of working on it, it started working on me.
I haven't gotten to the point where I'm remembering the good times. That probably won't happen until after he dies and it really is all over. And I still haven't cried. Not crying is not a good thing, by the way. If this goes like it went when my mother died I won't cry until after his funeral. At that point it will be OK to let go for him just as it was for her. I really would like to let the underground grief out, but don't quite know how.
((Starling)) Not crying isn't good if you know you "need" to. And being upbeat is great!! As long as it isn't "forced or fake" (like I was doing) I wonder if you have been trying to be strong for so long that you build those walls a wee bit too high? I hadn't cried in a long long time. I was so afraid that when I did, it would be my total undoing. That I would completely break. That there would be just nothing left of me to pick up.
But I reached my breaking point, and I did cry. For all I was worth. I ranted at God and cursed Alzheimer's. I screamed, and yelled and dropped to my knees wracked in sobs. And in that "falling apart" I found the beginning of my healing, some overdo peace, and strangely enough, hope. I let it out, for once I lost all control, and you know what? I did a whole lot of bending, but I didn't completely break.
It is hard to explain.... I started this thread 2 weeks ago... I was in a horrible place, just horrible!! And yet, just a mere two weeks later, I feel better than I have in YEARS!! Some of it is our own will, our mind set.... but I think perhaps a lot of it has to do with allowing ourselves to let the poison we have been storing up for so long out!!
I think we all NEED to build those walls to survive, but I think maybe we should make sure we put in a few "windows!"
Yes, Nikki, yes. The sobbing, the screaming, the cursing is all a normal reaction to being endlessly abused by something that can never be seen nor dealt with. I am so glad for you that you have come to a new place and feel better. The only thing that has changed is you and your attitude. That's the only weapon we have.
Betty, that is very true. Nothing around us can change, it keeps going the way it is,it is what it is, the only thing that does change is our attitude. That is not as easy as it sounds though. I HATE pretending to feel good when I don't. Sometimes I just want to scream out and I think I should be able to do that if I want to. If someone asks me how I am and they don't know what I am going through I tell them I am OK but I am not. That is why I would rather be around people that know what I am going through so that I can be myself.
I have been reading about how it makes you feel Nikki, when people tell you to "move on", or start a new life, and I have some insight in to this.
Many that say that truly care. However, I know, that others, say it out of just anything to say, IT IS THOSE DANG PLATITUDES I HATE THEM>!!!! And it is mainly from ones that are nowhere near the trenches that think they have all the BIG ANSWERS>>
You did it again... I am sitting here with a smile on my face :)
Yes, I do not care much for platitudes! And I have never taken kindly to others thinking they know, better than I, what is best for me.
I have a big heart, and like you, I tend to wear my feelings on my sleeve... But you know I would much rather love too much, even if I do get hurt more often, than to lock myself inside and feel nothing. You are perfect just the way you are dear Coco, try to never lose that soft heart of yours ((hugs))
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