I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. A bit of whimsy and seriousness mixed together, but I would like your input on it. Do you ever question the behaviors in the context that I did?
I don't believe my DH exhibits any of these behaviors - never has and doesn't now. I attribute part of it to the fact that his first wife died from MS. He kept her at home as long as he could and took care of her, then placed her in a nursing home where she died - this was before we met. So, he has been the CG too. He never asks me to do anything he can't do for himself. Also, for many years after we married I traveled a great deal and was gone from home several days each week or so. So, he did for himself - and encouraged me to continue my career. So...maybe it's because he has always taken care of himself -vs. Sid was taken care of by others early on??
Yes, yes and yes! That's why when he acts a certain way I can't always contribute his behavior to the "disease." I believe the disease has made some of these acts even more difficult. As far as doing things around the house, since we're a couple from the very late '50s, it was the wife who did everything around the house. The only things I didn't do were washing the car and cutting the grass. His job demanded a lot of hours,which meant I was the one who did everything with my three kids as well. When he retired, though, he did help a lot by doing the grocery shopping and helping out around the house. Now, he doesn't really do much of anything. He gets the mail (his favorite time of the day), takes out the garbage and takes out the cans and recyling bins on garbage day. He also feeds the birds. That's about it. If I don't fix his meals, he doesn't eat.
Yes, I'm old enough to have experienced "husband behavior" but during the last year we worked, which was also the first year my husband had dementia (although we did not know it) HE cooked every evening meal because I was too sick to do it. I had enough energy to go to work and come home again and sit in front of the computer at home because it meant I was SITTING DOWN. I did the laundry and I did the cleaning up after dinner and a bunch of other stuff, but he had taken over the one job that I just could not do.
My SIL also has extreme "husband behavior" and nothing my daughter tried worked in dealing with it. He is one of the good guys, but taking care of half of the household chores is not his thing. It just is what it is.
One of the first dementia symptoms my husband had was the loss of ability to do household chores. I miss his great cooking and before we had a diagnosis I was "helping" him cook by reading the recipe and organizing what he did when. And some of the last symptoms were things I didn't even recognize that he did until he wasn't there to do them anymore, like sweeping out the garage and the sidewalk.
So the answer is yes, it is really hard to tell if it is dementia or husband behavior and the answer is yes, it is both.
Joan, as I was reading about this I realized you are right. I don’t know if all men do it, but I know I do. I automatically prioritize things without even thinking about it. I think Kathryn figured out how to beat it at least with me. One day she left me a note with a list of things she needed me to do (I got off work 3 hours before her) and when she got home it was all done. The first time she did it I told her to start leaving me a list and I would take care of it. In the future she would leave me list whenever she needed something done and I would everything on the list. I don’t know if she realized it or not but what she was doing was putting them in an order which I assigned as a priorities and I did them.
As for asking to have someone do something for me, that is something I have never been good at even if I had something that needed done. I have always just done everything myself. It used to bother Kathryn that if she asked if she could help I would always say no thanks, I’ve got it. As time went by I guess she understood that was I am. I learned that she wanted to help so I would tell her I would love to have her sit and keep me company while I completed whatever it was I was doing. She was good with that.
I finally got angry with my therapist because when I complained about DH's behavior, the therapist would ask me whether that was new or whether DH was always like that. My husband had attention deficit disorder, though he denied it until he saw our children's experience after being diagnosed and taking medication. So executive function was always a weak point, and it has gotten worse and he was always somewhat off in his own world. Written lists didn't work for him--I think they made him feel overwhelmed (a list on index cards, so he only saw one item at a time might have worked better). He did cook for many years and still unloads and loads the dishwasher.
The ways in which he has always been a very frustrating partner have gotten worse and worse. It just makes me want to leave him. Instead we live somewhat separate lives in the same house, as he can still take care of himself on a daily basis. He does do more for himself that way, as I'm not nearby for him to ask me to bring him things.