I work for a large corporation, and as it turns out, my husband's ex-wife works for an affiliate. I've never met her, and they didn't part on the best of terms. He was going through the divorce when I met him.
Anyways, I am planning on attending a training at her offices in a few weeks. I'm thinking this would be a good time to meet her. I don't know if she knows about my husband's condition, that he's in a nursing home, completely incapacitated, etc. But I feel like she may be able to fill in some missing pieces that I need to put together.
The thing is, I don't know if she wants to meet me. She and I are both on Facebook, and I'm thinking of sending her a message explaining that I'm going to be there and asking if we can meet at lunch. She may very well say no. Of course, if I just go without reaching out to her first, we might run into each other and that would be awkward.
I'm torn. I want to know where the money came from that we lived off of for years when he was unemployed after being laid off (even his accountant doesn't know, my husband claimed it was retirement accounts and good investments). I want to know if she noticed any sign of his illness when she was married to him. Is she aware of anything in his past that would've indicated he would develop Early onset dementia?
Ok, you're probably thinking I'm nuts at this point. Maybe I am. The whole thing is nuts. There's no manual or blueprint for how to behave in this weird situation. (I wish there were!)
I'm just looking for some input. What would you do? We have three young boys. He didn't have any kids with her, just stepkids. They've been divorced for about 13 years now. Am I just opening a can of worms?
kelly, i dont see any good coming out of involving an ex in your relationship as hard as it may be. what good would the answers be that you dont already know? if he has early onset as a family history or for your own info for your boys then surely another family member would know. or you can consult a qualified dna/genetic dr. i would assume that the money is exactly what it was good investments and accts he was good enough to place. and surely by deduction you can tell things were not right in that marriage because it ended in divorce. i have been around the block with marriages and say its a good idea to let sleeping dogs lie when it comes to ex's... it may be ok for you to see what she looks like if you want but keep your identity to yourself. just my own opinion. you may have other agendas you need to satisfy. divvi
I have to agree with Divvi. His present physical/medical condition is of no concern to her. It would only give her something to talk about with others. Any answers she might have for you, you probably already have. Does he have any siblings you could talk to--any other relatives? Her blood line is of no value as far as your children are concerned.
You may be curious--I probably would be too. Women are such cruious creatures.
Just go to the training--take lots of notes and chat with some of the other people there during lunch and breakes. Have a good time and learn a lot!!
Take care of yourself. You have enough on your plate without adding to it. \
Kelly, Divvi is probably right rationally speaking but I understand your curiosity; I think I would be the same. But I probably simply would not have the courage to get in touch with her ahead of time. If it were me i would want to tell her about his condition, but I would NOT ask her about the money.
I agree with the others here. I did get to know my husband's ex, as I had to interact with her...I was raising three of the children she and John had while they were married for almost 14 years. I didn't need to ask, in the end, if she had noticed anything about his behavior that would suggest he was becoming ill. Looking back, IT WAS ALL THERE, having heard some of her stories....which at the time, I thought were just that .... stories. So, just don't bother with it. YOU know what's going on. I don't see anything helpful coming out of it. Interesting maybe, but not worth it because of the problems it may be creating. Just my opinion.
I agree..let sleeping dogs lie. If you had had some interactions with his ex that were on good terms then perhaps but otherwise don't go involving someone else that could in the end cause more problems than it might solve.
Kelly--I completely understand your desire to fill in the blanks. Like the others who responded, I think your husband's family members would be the best sources of information, but it sounds like you haven't received answers there. I know you said his accountant doesn't know where the money came from--but do you have old copies of tax returns? Income from retirement accounts and investments would have been shown on those returns.
If you are worried that your husband may have passed the EOAD gene to your children, you could look into having genetic testing done on him. Several years ago I considered it, and was told the cost would be around $4,000 (not covered by insurance). Since it would make no difference to my husband's treatment/prognosis and his daughter isn't going to have any more children, there was no point to doing it.
Re asking her about the money--the downside is--she could say something like "That must have been my money you were living on and now I want it back." You never know--you don't know what type of person she is--or even if you could trust her opinions re your husband.
I agree with everyone. Especially the money. I'd leave that one alone. You needed it and you used it. You do NOT want to open that one up at all. She could sue you for it.
Thank you all so much. After reading your comments, I realize I almost made a big mistake. I don't know what I was thinking. I kept putting off contacting her, and every time I thought about it, I felt sick, so that should have been a clue that I was headed in the wrong direction. I haven't gotten a lot of information from my husband's family. They insist that no one ever had dementia. His brother and his nephew have MD, I think I've mentioned before. It's hard to believe that all these problems began with their generation. But I don't think I'll ever know. None of the genetic testing we've had done has yielded any information, other than that he doesn't have the classic AD gene. It's frustrating, as I'm sure you all know.
I think you're right about the money thing. I hadn't thought about it that way. It would just open a can of worms, and I certainly don't need that!
I guess I'll still go, and if she ends up sitting next to me, I'll deal with it at the time. Chances are, I won't even see her.
Anyways, I'm very grateful for all your insight and perspective, something I often lack in the midst of all this.
Kelly--I hope you do get to meet her. If I were in your shoes, I would want to. However, I'd keep all conversations "safe" and if she asks much, play dumb and be vague.
Kelly, glad to hear you will not pursue meeting and chatting with her intentionally. If you should meet and she figures out you are married to her ex, I would not pursue any lengthy conversation concerning him. You can say you have a good marriage, great kids, even that he is sick with a terminal disease. She may have mellowed over the years and want to know more, she may already know he is sick, or she may not even care. I would just not volunteer more information than she asks about and then limit.
Under no circumstances would I mention the money he had when not working. He could have hid some investments or money from her. If she is vindictive she could want her share that she didn't get in the divorce.
Charlotte said what I was thinking about the money thing. You said they had a bitter divorce. Take it from me...who is being sued for insurance money his children believes he owes his first wife from their divorce 30 years ago... Most of you know about my situation... and what would she know about his medical history. Of course she'll say he was "nuts/crazy/demented" ...it would strengthen HER reason for getting the divorce. Just attend the conference, peek around the corner and see what she looks like....but you do NOT have to introduce yourself. Odds are, she'll see your name and be doing the same thing with you. LUNCH??? OMG, don't even think about it.