I received this e-mail from someone who wishes to remain anonymous, but asked me to post it. We can call her M.
"I am one of the ones who is getting no sleep because my impotent husband in Depends won't let me alone. If I lie down, he piles right on top or up against me and starts feeling me. I have explained that I am terribly tired. That approach certainly doesn't work. I would appreciate knowing what others have done about this. The behavior has developed suddenly, and I suppose it will soon pass. I hope so. Anyone find a way to deal with this?"
I did send her the link to all of the sexuality discussions, but I would appreciate it if any of you who have dealt with this issue would answer directly under this discussion.
Other than sedating him, the only thing I can think of is for M to sleep somewhere else. As long as she's there, she will be the target of his impulses. That won't be easy for husband to accept. All in all, I think I'd enlist the help of her family doctor. Maybe he could explain to the husband that M has to sleep alone because of a health problem (like lack of sleep!). Or order an appropriate med.
M welcome to the group. many here including myself in earlier times have had to deal with a DH (dear husband) groping and feeling much to our dismay. luckily our own sexual desires seem to wane when AD comes into the picture. theirs on the other hand can escalate and put us in precarious positions. no pun:) hah.. many here are in this particular discussion and will have more input for you. some chose to avoid the bedtime rituals and give them their meds and wait til they are asleep to go to bed. (my own story.:) and others find ways to diffuse the antics with offering a candy bar or sweet instead to distract. they do seem to love sweets. at any rate i am sorry its happening if you arent inclined to reciprocate. it is yet another loss we have in this dread course of the disease. divvi
I have said it before but I would like to have some of that kind of attention(depends huh!?!?!) lol. I am only kidding I know that any behavior that our spouses do that are hard to live with is not funny. My DH is not interested in sex or talking about sex or even cares about how I feel about it one way or another. Like I said when our spouses have any behavior that we find hard to deal with it is not funny! But the only way to get through this for me is to laugh it off(sometimes that works sometimes it don't)
If he is on medication for an enlarged prostate it may be possible to change to a medication such as Proscar which has as a side effect reduced sexual interest.
Be careful while he is in this phase--I was sexually abused as a child by a 90+ year old grandfather.
I too have had this problem,last week when I went to see wife she said lets go an visit in my room,then she wanted to sit on bed,that was okay til she laid down an wanted me to lay next to her,they may have been the greatest sex partner in the world but when this dreaful disease takes over sex is the furthest from any partners mind
Remember how they regress in age? Well, the teens and 20s were very sexually active (more so than 30s forward) and their thoughts are regressing to that stage as well.....
What they others have suggested are the favored means of avoiding confrontations....meds, separate beds or separate times to go to bed.
IN HUMOR - I add: "Honey, we just did it and you were wonderful!!!" "Let's do it again tomorrow!" (here is ONE place where lack of memory comes in handy!!!
I have decided that the Depends stage is when bed sharing is going to end. I will make up something good and believable. As for the overtures, I've noticed a few lately, but the hand doesn't even know where it's groping so I can usually deflect them by rolling onto my side, facing him, with my 5' body pillow acting as a wall. That's usually all it takes. If the overtures were more persistent, I'd have to say, "oops! sorry! not right now!" and maybe even go sleep on the couch.
M again. The situation has abated somewhat. I thought perhaps it had to get better. I do get overtures from time to time, but I usually can get some sleep now. At 2 or 3 in the morning, I now say sternly, "Don't bother me. I am sleeping, and most of the time he backs off. I love the "Honey, we just did it." idea from Mary. I don't think my guy would buy it, though. I wish we had a second bed room, although I would probably have to get up all the time to check on what is happening in the other room. Yawn.
marylu i think you are new to join. Welcome! as far as unwanted sexual advances, body pillows seem to deter pretty well. others will be along to welcome you as well if you do a search about any topic you need info about there are many many discussions on sexual and incontinece /smell issues. divvi
What worked was the "again...we just did" trick worked very well and helped to get us through that stage. Doctor also did up his Lexapro from 5 to 10 mg. That also helped. Neurologist did say if the hypersexuality (DH was also flirting with other women and my concern for grand daughter was foremost) continued there were other meds including hormones to try. So far all is well. As others have said...good sexual partner becomes one loved child as this disease progresses.
If anyone needs some new excuses, I have heard about 893 of them, and can offer a lot of advice about this.....My favorite was "let's get some sleep, and we can wake up bright and early........I promise.......
Phranque...I'm sure you're far from the only guy to have experienced more "excuses" than he wanted to hear during the mutually healthy phase of a marriage. All I can say is...while I may have made a few myself in those days, I am far from happy to now have kissed the opportunity goodbye!
That part of our life was gone long before AD was roaring. So for me it is nothing to miss anymore. but I still look forward to maybe in the future finding a guy that is still able and fall in love. won't hold my breath though.
Charlotte, I feel the same way as you do. I never thought that sex would be a problem even though we are a lot of years apart but it has been long before he got VaD(vascular dementia). But it did and I am still of the age where is important to me so it would be nice if in the future I find a guy that is still able and willing. Of course wanting to marry first. lol
On the TV the other day they were talking about sex/seniors. This one person said that sex was very plentiful in assisted living homes...they referred to it as a "college dorm" for seniors with men often being seen going into and coming out of the ladies rooms.
Interesting that this topic has been brought up again. Last night I watched a sit-com where sex was involved (nothing new there). The next day one of the characters remarked that there was nothing like a good nights loving to make a man feel good all day. It brought back memories of when Charlie was working in an all male shop. Over a period of time the men realized that Charlie whistled when he was happy and they always asked him if "he got some last night" on the days he whistled. This answer was always "yes". A year ago that memory would have made me very sad. Last night, it brought a smile to my face as I remembered the wonderful times we had had. I will always miss what we had but now the memories are not so sad.
On the question of having sex with a new member I completely agree but I didn't know you could get one of those. What do you guys do down there - order one out of a special catalogue? Would someone mind sending me the link in a plain brown wrapper please? I'm hoping they come in XXL so I can scare my nosy neighbor.
For two days my hb has put is underwear on backwards. He's a stubborn ole guy; so when I tried to show him the tag, he looked at the ceiling. I said the opening is now in the back where your p....s goes when you pee. He said, "That's where my p....s is." Nah, there's no sex goin' on at our address. A woman in a support group mentioned her hb's difficulties in the bathroom because he doesn't know where "his" is. She was surprised because she said, "I'd think that's the last thing a man would forget." Sorry guys.
I had some major back surgery about the time that AD was beginning. So, I went into another bedroom. Now, he creeps into my bed about 2:30 or 3:00 in the morning and snuggles. Every once in a while he thinks we've made love and he's really sweet. But we have not had that part in our marriage for a loooong time. I sstill miss it sometimes. But, he is really childlike ow and it would be just impossible. If he started feeling around, i THINK I'd just get up.
After a long long period of any kind of intimacy, my dw suddenly out of the clear blue wanted to do "something". I simply could not take advantage of that situation, so I had to fake it....and somehow, I must have been convincing, because she was happy to know that she could still do it......For me, I felt like I was trying to molest a young kid, and I simply was totally turned off. I must have been a good actor, and thankfully, I made it short and sweet as possible.
Sorry that you are going though this and have to be a member. I too am a new member. I wish that I could give you advice, but I will say a little prayer for you. I