My temptation is to answer 'because I said so, that's why.' Just as you do with a small child, and yet, we work hard at not treating our LO as a child when that is what they become. Getting the #*&^$ towels into the ^&%# cupboard before and after AD is like apples & elephants. But the idea that I would ask my DH when he wants to do it--today, Christmas, next month, whatever, and then keeping a notebook to write it all down along with everthing else to write down and with the expectation that he would look at it each day and eventually cross it off the list is really a lot to ask and with little return. I think we do have to develop a 'thick skin' or at least a way to protect ourselves from the continual daily, if not hourly, onslaughts--it's a must--and what's so bad about protecting yourself? Putting things in a notebook still requires a 'thick skin' only now it's coated with sugar. But we CG still have to make the adjustments and the concessions, accommodate the disease while we're writing it all down and the *&^$^ towels are still not in the *&^(*^& cupboard. So I'd probably do it myself and avoid any confrontations altogether. This may not be expert advice, but it comes from personal experience: whenever possible, avoid confrontations, explanations, trying to teach, and just keep calm in your home whenever you have a choice. Unless there's a danger, who cares where the t*&%&^% towels are or how they got there. I know, I know, it's all meant to keep our LO in the decision-making mode, it's just not my nature to always be so patient and thoughtful--and that was true even before AD.
Betty-I agree that it is easier to do it your self than to check to see if he did it (or didn't) and then have to do it yourself anyway. I tried to help my husband feel productive as long as I could-and keep my sanity. I don't know if it was worth the effort as he forgot instantly anyway. The only good thing about AD is that there is no such thing as leftovers.
This struck a chord with me: the sheer exasperation and fatigue of handling a husband who was difficult enough before Alzheimer's but who now zaps every bit of energy if you let them. My husband is on an Intermediate Care Wing of a fine facility, but I still have to make everything better. It's too easy to allow yourself to get so sympathetic ("my children aren't visiting me," "you are the only one," "I want to come home") that you lose yourself. I've just finished 9 straight days of visiting him for 2-3 hours each visit and found this morning that, without his visit as the focal point of my day, I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't get dressed, I sat around, I moped. It came to me that these are signs of depression, and I'd better start paying attention to the rest of the world, including me. So I got dressed, went out into the garden,cleaned out the freezer - all mindless, soothing tasks, but it took the responsibility off me that I must make up for the fact that he has Alzheimer's. I'm taking the weekend off from visiting, and I will phone him instead. If his kids don't come to visit him, they don't. Next week is going to be hectic ( the court case comes up for application for guardianship), and there's no point starting off with no gas in my tank. So Bettyhere, it's not my nature to be endlessly patient and thoughtful either; I'm taking a break.
I have been an educator for my entire adult life. I am SUPPOSED TO HAVE PATIENCE. Unfortunately, I found I always left the patience in school, BEFORE I came home. 7 hours a day of calmly handling disruptive, mentally challenged, behavioral nightmares, left little in the patience tank. I worked for 2 more years after my husband started having major memory and ability problems, so I would face it all day, and then come home to it.
But still, I feel that since I KNOW how to design and implement stategies and handle behavior problems, I SHOULD have the patience for it with my AD husband. Unfortunately, I am sorely lacking in that department. I keep trying to do better, but sometimes I get so frustrated, I just "lose it."
I haven't tried the "when would you like to do it" strategy yet, but I have started the FAQ notebook, and much to my surprise, it was a lighthearted moment. We had a "together" laugh when I was writing in it, and he joked that I would need tabs in alphabetical order to keep track of all the FAQ's that he can't remember. I assured him I was getting a pile of them.
And I remind everyone at the end of that Blog that these "notebook" strategies are for a particular stage. Once they go past that stage, as Bettyhere says, "Put the ^&%$*#@ towels away yourself!" :)
I agree wholeheartedly that after that slight edge into the next phase recording things in notebooks was a waste for me as well. it was much easier to do things myself and not waste that energy redoing or repeating how to do it all over again. it didnt make any difference i could see in keeping his mind 'busy' in my opinion. i found he did better doing little things like easy puzzles/gadgets//sorting things helped more during the times he still did all that. sorting coins was good for him and cards. i am sorry but the extra effort it took to just get things done myself was enough on my plate- so not dealing with all the extra considerations of having to find household things to keep him active wasnt something i did. of course i resented like heck having to do every thing myself but i did find it lessened the aggravation of not having to lose patience on top of it all. its a wierd thing but those early days were so much harder on me than now. even with the diaper issues i think i have resolved myself more not to fight the disease anymore but just to accept that things are moving on- and try to hold on to my sanity while coping with it all. divvi
My husband is at the stage that when he gives up a task I just let it go. We found out about the dementia BECAUSE he couldn't use a notebook. He was that good at hiding what was going on.
At this point he can dry the dishes and put the dishes away most of the time. But it won't be long before that just drifts away and he won't be able to do it anymore. Sometimes he comes over to help, and sometimes he doesn't.
He can vacuum, but has forgotten where it is kept. Pretty soon he won't be able to figure out how to turn it on and off and I'll get to find out if I'm strong enough to use the vacuum we bought after he killed the Orick. (Not actually his fault. A house full of new carpet full of lint actually did the job.) I've never actually turned it on since that has been his job for years because I was partially disabled for a long time.
Right now he is overwatering the plants on a daily basis, and trying to overfeed the birds. Maybe it is a good thing we don't have an in-house pet. <grin>
Basically I don't expect him to do things or ask him to do things. I'm glad he can still take a shower, shave himself and cut his own toenails. (The toenails really worried me but I peeked in at the right time last week and he was cutting them.)
I still ask him about meal questions, like would he like x or y for lunch, but those questions will be ending very soon. Sometimes he can answer and some times he can't.
And frankly, except for trying to get him to the table for supper, I'm not asking him to do anything now. And I'm not doing so well with getting him to the table in a timely manner. That frustrates me so much I basically have given up on the rest of it.
And this is the same man who can go off and take hour long walks in 90 degree weather and know when he comes back that he needs a bottle of water. ...[sigh]...
Oh, Joang, your words could have come out of my mouth. I taught middle school special ed students for the last 25 years that I taught. They were learning disabled, emotionally and behaviorally disabled and I was known as the teacher with all the patience. Why can't I be more patient when he can't pick up that second foot to put the pants on or when he follows me around within a 3 foot distance, or when he asks the same questions over and over. I know that when I get impatient and yell or repeat the same direction over and over that it doesn't help and I can't stop myself. And why haven't I tried any of those little games with him...dice, dominoes, puzzles, etc. Mostly because when I try them, I'm frightened at how little he is able to do and understand. He can't dress himself, shave himself, cut his fingernails or toenails, needs help getting to and from the toilet (but we're off the depends at least for a while), can't follow a direction to bring something to another room....I could go on and on. I can't believe that I'm in this spot and going through all this. I feel badly that I can't find anything to keep him busy. We try to walk the dogs, but he walks so slowly the dogs can't stay with him.
I am so frustrated with all of this and just want it all to go away!!
FLgirl, I can relate to your problems. My wife has never liked games (scrabble, etc.), but did like jig-saw puzzles. Now, I can't get her to do anything. Last week, at the Adult Day care, we tried to get her interested in a Jig-saw, but she just sat there and watched the volunteer and me do the puzzle. She can dress herself if I pick out the clothes and can get to the toilet by herself. However, she does have an occasional accident so we are using the Depends. I have to cut her toenails. I'm not sure what she does about the fingernails, but they seem to be OK. It would be so nice to be able to find something for her to do. But, unless we are doing something together - walking, watching TV, etc., she just sits and either watches what I am doing, or goes to sleep. She does dry the dishes, but I have to show her where to put things. Any other household activities, she just watches me do them, and then comments that she should have helped me.
Eventuallly you just give up, well I did, there is little Dh can do. He sort of looks after the posts and pans, but often just puts them somewhere dirty. He sort of lays out fruit and toast at breakfast but has problems. I just know that I have to do it all. I'm getting us reasy to move from our house. Its so hard to do it all alone. He's underfoot and really just adds to the difficulty. At leat I have six weeks to organize and give away. I have no idea where we're going.Wherever, it will be small with minimal "stuff" to look after.
After awhile I dont think they are able to reason enough to do the simple things we ask so I opted to get into his simple world and allow him whatever makes him smile. i know its so trivial, but at the party supplies stores I found a 'treasure chest of various coins; and those spinning liteup balls that have entertained my husband to no end. even now as i speak he has one in each hand, something about the spinning/vibration/lites soothes him and i cant say how many of these we have gone thru. you can get at most party supplies, take a look you will find something they will like there, be it a gadget, purse full of play makeup, etc,, its sad to admit things in the real world arent relavant to them anymore at a certain point,but getting into their world now is a good thing. divvi
DH likes comedy, nature and cartoons on TV.He reads the weekend paper...sort of.I don't expect him to participate on our daily tasks.I'll try to pick up some toys.