Phew! I'm trying to preserve my husband's privacy as he's a bit touchy about his disease. However, he's losing things right and left and thinking that the neighborhood kids must have them and some of his friends have asked me if he is alright. When I ask them "what exactly are they talking about", they usually don't pursue the question. I think it's getting pretty obvious but he's going to blow a gasket if I tell the neighbors. I don't want them to treat him as if he's not all there, that would really upset him.
Also, he has quite a few guns and he's pretty attached to them. I'm not sure how to get them away from him without incurring WW3. I'd appreciate any words of wisdom from all you out there who may have enocuntered these problems already.
My DH always had a pistol on his end table. The others were locked up in the gun safe which is where guns belong. One day while I was changing the bed sheets, I just picked up the pistol, while he was not in the room and locked it in the gun safe too. He has never said a word not one word. I was sure he would. If he does ask about them I'll tell him they are in the gun safe and the safe is locked..and it is..If I am not home the dial is spun if I am I use the day lock and he does not have the key I do at all times. As to the neighbors, it was I who was asking them if they thought my DH was different somehow and they were loathe to say anything. Then one day on the QT I told them and they said " well we knew all along that something was not right we just didn't want to embarrass him". So they may already have an idea and are not saying anything. But it helps for them to know as you may be able to enlist their help from time to time. Our one neighbor quit coming over except to see what we did last weekend ( put up a flag pole) nosey kind of guy, the other will stop to talk and even take him out for lunch now and then but not in a way that is obvious. My DH thinks he is perfect health! God if only you could see te 9 pills he takes in the morning and the 6 at night plus insulin...yep he is the picture of health alright! And I am the Queen of England!
If the neighbors are already asking or you think they notice, I would tell them. Right now, depending on the person, I just tell them he has short term memory loss. Others I tell them he is in the early stages of AD. If he is having the problems with thinking they are stealing from him, I would definitely tell them. Ask them not to tell them they know. Also, get those guns out of the house or under lock and key that he can not get into. Sounds like if they are where he can get them, you asking for trouble.
mothert, I live in a very small town, and you can't keep a secret in a small town. But, as my husband worsened I would tell people without letting him know. It helped so much as most neveryone started keeping an eye on him...or just stopping by and helping him with a task he was doing. The merchants even went the extra mile to help him make purchases...without them, it sure would have been a lot harder on me. Before I started telling people I think a lot of people thought I was a very pushy wife. I had to change his decisions in front of them when he was not thinking right....like "No Honey, we only need to buy one battery for the lawn mower...two is a bit two much." There comes a time when you can no longer hide it, so I eased into it when the need arose.
When my DH was hospitalized for med problem, it led o hios Dx. They wouldn'trelese him to come hom until I hd the guns and Van gone from the premises. As for telling neighbors, friends and relatives--quietly, respectively, but the sooner the better. One huge stress (keeping it secret) is off and often it will give you extra eyes to watch over him and defuse potential issues--not always but more likely than not. Also telling a strategic few, will also help reuce the stres beause they can "pass it on".
My husband had three handguns (including the one his mother committed suicide with). He had to have a hernia operation. While I was occupied with him at the hospital our son-in-law found the guns (all carefully hidden by DH), and I took them to the local police station and explained the situation. The police destroyed them. He also had about ten rifels (can't spell or find the dictionary). He gave them away to neighbors and friends when we moved to the retirement home. He never said anything about the handguns.
Although my DH has been mostly peaceful you never know when that could change. My DH is now in the nursing wing of our retirement home. There are some others there cursing and spitting and kicking at the aides, but, thank goodness, so far he is peaceful.
I would not have a gun anywhere around when someone has alz,
The guns have to go!! ALZ and guns on the same premise is a recipe for disaster. WW3 with him is nothing compared with what could happen. When my dh couldn't open a door, he could find a crowbar that could get him where he wanted to go no matter what the destruction. If he wanted a square plug in a round hole, it went no matter. Those guns have to go even if you have to pay someone to take them away!
As to the neighbors, I think you will find they will be more understanding when they know what the problem is.
My closest neighbor is about a block away,we are very spread out here in farm country.I told them as soon as my husband was DX and others as I would see them.Closest is Amish and I know I can call him if I need help.When our daughter lived a mile away we always called her if we needed help.I was worried about what I would do ,but now feel better, word has gotten around,more people wave and say Hello when they pass. When I meet any of them when I'm shopping the first thing they ask is how my husband is doinG. This is the friendliest any one has been in the 40 years we lived here.
I think more neighbors would help if they knew what to do. In my neighborhood there are several folks with dementia and we try include them in just the normal chit chat of friends. When my husband was still home and acting out the police were called. I would like to think that my "educating" folks made them more understanding of others.
The more people that know what is going on, the safer your husband is. People will be aware if he is acting different or they find him wandering away. We need to stop acting like having this disease is something to be ashamed of. It is a fact of life just like cancer, heart disease or any number of illnesses....this one just happens to involve the brain.
I will also reiterate that the guns need to go......NOW! If he is thinking that the neighborhood kids have his things, he may decide to use a weapon. Also, if he gets mad at you...well, you get the picture.
I always told everyone what was wrong with my husband.....I figured it was much nicer for people to know that he had an incurable disease and just wasn't being rude or insensitive.
I have told everyone since the beginning - and especially my neighbors, because DH walks the dog - and I wanted them to know. They all watch out for him when he is out - although I also watch him from a safe distance in the event he should fall. Of course, on the other hand - HE will tell anyone who will listen that he has ALZ.
I told friends and neighbors early on because one of them had questioned me. As for guns, one of the first things DH's neurologist asked me was did we have guns in the house. The answer was yes but they are now in the care of our son.
We did a short interview on local TV several years ago about AD. This helped many people who are not close friends to be be aware of husband's problems. I told several neighbors and I think everyone in our small town home community knows now. No guns here.
Just remember, if I hadn't been open about what was wrong with my husband the neighbors would not have been looking out for him during the time he was still doing 2 hour walks. He stopped doing that a year ago, but a lot of them told me where they had seen him and when, so I had some idea of what his pattern had been just in case. He stopped doing that about a year ago.
Even more important, the day he took off in 100 degree weather and no shoes in June, if I hadn't been open about what was going on, the neighbors would not have known to stop him, and come to get me, and then take the police who had just shown up to where he was. He would have gotten out of the community and he would have died that day.
The guns, by the way need to be given to another family member and gotten out of the house.
Thank you all. I've decided to tell a few key people in the neighborhood and know that the message will get out thru them -:). We have an appointment with his neurologist in about a week and I will email him in advance and tell about the guns and solicit his help with convincing my husband that they must go. If he balks, I'll just have to remove them anyway and try to live through the aftermath. He's been losing everything lately, maybe he will "lose" his favorite handgun very soon - the rest are locked up and I'll get rid of them gradually.
Seeing him lose his Alpha maleness is such a hard thing to watch. He wants so badly to still be the "man" in the house but forgets how to do that. I'm not sure I can make it through this disease.
T, I hope you're going to help him lose that gun !! Lots of things have got "lost"around here: care keys, bike keys, front door key (every afternoon when he gets restless), often his shoes in the night if I'm afraid he's going to be restless.
I agree, Emily. Maybe some of you also went through the period that I did in the beginning when I just did not want people in the village gossipping about him. But things got so much easier when I asked my friends to get the word out. People are surprisingly friendly and sympathetic.
Remember, you CAN NOT REASON with him. The neurologist will say get rid of them and that will make him hyper vigilant that he doesn't lose them. Can you arrange with a friend to disappear them (or at least all the ammo) to her house while you're at the appointment? Then "find" one (without ammunition) if he gets panicky about it.
This retirement home has an in-house TV program. I was asked to speak about Alzheimers. So all 1900 residents know about the situation. As stated before, now he is in the nursing section.
My DH's problems have been showing up slowly for the last several years. Now he's at least stage 5 and may have some stage 6. I can't tell. I just told them he has AD. I figured if I told one, the rest would know shortly. Everyone treats him just fine. They talk to him, visit with him. He tells them stories and they laugh. Same at church.Howeer, when we go out to lunch with folks, he never offers anyu conversation and when they try to talk to him, he responds in monosylables. Then complains that no one talks to him.
Gosh, I do need to learn where he keeps the ammo - I've just never paid any attention. The neurologist is already on-board to talk to him about the guns and if he gets hyper about them, I'll just drop the discussion for a couple months land slowly remove the ammunition (if I can find it). He lost a golf club 2-3 weeks ago and every day he thinks he just lost it yesterday. That was okay until he decided that the neighbor kids must have stolen it when he wasn't looking at ourneighborhood park. I don't get why he can remember the damn club is gone but can't remember that it's been gone for 3 weeks and we just discussed it earlier in the day.
Tell the neighbors. I didn't do it and I was so sorry. He began hollering at the kids next door and their mother, people he truly liked. The kids' father called me late one evening and was upset at what was happening. I told him, and then sent a letter to the family, explaining exactly what was wrong. Since that time, my husband had seemed so much better and has been very nice to them, but he is going into another stage right now and I'm glad I told them. They're a very young foreign family and I'm not really sure if they understand what is really wrong with him, but everyone else on the blocks knows and, believe me, it's a relief.
As for the guns, get rid of them. My daughters snuck them out little by little. He collected BB guns and we got them out as well. Better safe then sorry, as the saying goes.
My DH had a nice rifle and shells. He hadn't used it for several years. About 2-3 years ago our grandson became very interested in hujting and his dad bout him a nice rifle. My DH got that rifle out (and the shells) and gave them to the grandson. The boy was thrilled and so was I. The gun is gone and I'm a happy woman.
I suggest you just ditch the stuff without asking. If he asks, play dumb. I'm getting good at it when necessary. Saves a lot of arguing and conversation.
I told friends and family members very soon after the diagnosis. While he wanted to keep it quiet, I thought his saftely and welfare had a higher priority.
He had 2 guns in the house well-hidden. I moved them one day and he never noticed. The next thing I did was get them out of the house. They tend to remember and react to things that are part of a highly emotional situation. If you get them out quietly, he may not even notice. You just need to choose the right moment and time to do it.
How it is best for you to do it really depends on how he is reacting and handling things. You know him and his reactions best and make the right choices regarding how to get the guns out of the house.
When I "went public" in my neighborhood I told the people who I had spoken to personally to "spread it around" and that it "was not a secret." I gave them permission, not to gossip, but to do a community service. That meant that over time new people moving into our (new construction) community got told about my husband. It really did matter that I did it the way I did.
The first time he took off a neighbor I had never seen before went looking for him with me. The person who stopped him the last day he was home was NOT one of the people I'd told personally.
It is very important that when you tell neighbors that you give them permission to tell other people because it will be one of those other people who will save your LO's life when the time comes.