I have to put my husband in respite care for about a week over Labor Day. His doctor and visiting nurse says he can not travel in his condition. I now have to bath, dress, shave, and etc. He will be a real pain once he is there and he has told me to never, never put him in a nursing home. My mother has about one month to live and I need to go visit and/or attend the funeral. I really have no one that could possibly do all that I do and stay for that length of time. How do I get him to accept having to go. The only way I can think of is heavy medication. My husband is 87 and I am 61. I would appreciate any tips anyone might have.
if i knew i had to use respite facility for sure i'd go ahead and start him out now and getting used to the place. sometimes they offer half days to start and can add time as you need to. here our respite places offer daily or per day as long as you need. the first days are always the hardest. good luck, and i am sorry your mom is declining so fast- divvi
Sandra, talk to your husband's doctor and get him started on some medications that will take the edge off for him before he goes to respite. The staff will appreciate the fact that you have done this...plus it will make it easier on you and him.
Secondly, you have to do this.....you are just as important as your husband is.....and so is your wonderful mother. Your husband will be fine, but please don't ask him to agree to go, he isn't going to do that.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this....hugs....
I just had to place my husband in respite care because of a tragedy in our family. I was so worried about the whole process. No way was everything going to fall into place. He had to have a physical and chest xray and I had to find a room available with professional dementia care. The case manager at the specialist's office helped me with that. She assured me that the staff at these selected respite care facilities knew their business. She also suggested to say as little as possible about it to him and to tell him I would see him soon. Fiblets work wonders. I thought there would be a lot of separation anxiety, but it was on my end. I went there ahead of time and set up his room, so his clothes and personal items were there. He went willingly with the staff to lunch and seemed to be very content. He thought everything was wonderful. He is easily distracted, so that was to my advantage. The staff made him feel wonderful.
Sandi's suggestion of a tranquilizer is correct. Again, your husband's doctor can help with that.
I was so pleased with respite, I am thinking about doing it again soon so I can have some "me" time.
It is extremely difficult being pulled in different directions, especially with your concern about your mother. Sometimes we have to have help and respite care worked for us. He was cared for, kept busy and safe while I was gone. I hope it works for you.
milesformazzy, I'm sorry you had to use respite care for a tradedy in your family but glad that it worked out for you and your husband. I'm about to use respite care for the first time for my husband and have been a wreck over it. Your post has reassured me somewhat. I am suffering from burn out from total care of him and neglecting my own health. He is totally dependent on me and a full time job so it has been getting harder and harder. I'm entitled to 90 days of respite a year but have never used it thus far. I'm very nervous about it though I have seen the facility and it appears they will give good care. He did handle a number of hospital stays this year so I hope this will not be that different. The one thing that he really has me worried is the fact that he doesn't settle at night and will shout and scream some nights. We have tried a tranquilizer but it seemed to make him worse so we have to go back to the drawing board. I'm up several times every night so we cannot go on like this. I hope we get this issue sorted out before he goes.
I also recall that all respite care facilities required a TB test have been given and results known before they can go in..keep that in mind the next time you're at the doctor's office. It's a simple scratch test..and better to get it over with...along with tetnus etc. I even had a tetnus shot ... Doctor highly recommended all seniors have one. who knew??
Completed paperwork yesterday for hb's respite care in Alzheimer's wing of local nursing home. He'll be there for about 6 days while I and other family members attend granddaughter's wedding. I've talked to (no with these days) about it as I did in previous "days off" respite in December. He has no comments. In Dec. he was in a new, special AD center. Beautiful facility since new and all the latest/greatest, but because it was spread out, I think they needed more staff for supervision. Cost is now $255 per day. Cost in local AD wing is $185/day.
Also interviewed a woman to stay w/hb "whenever" I need or want to get away. No credentials other than having cared for her father (no dementia) at home, but having stayed w/others w/dementia. She lives 10' away and said she could come if I just wanted to get away for an hour or so for coffee or lunch w/a friend. Is the 60ish niece of a close friend. She said she'd come for an hr or so just to "see" how hb and she related before a "real" stay. (My words; not hers.) Plan to use her while I attend a day long caregivers conference near Lafayette, IN sponsored by the Area Council on Aging. My "regular", weekly, shower-giving CNA is also attending the conference for continuing ed credit. (He has to pay for that; I don't have to pay for the conference.)
My husband was in respite care at ALF, for a week this past spring. I didn't tell him until the day he went. He resisted at first. I told him it was a hotel for people that couldn't take care of theselves. He accepted it though not happy. By that evening he was fine with it. I called everday. They kept him busy all the time. In the end he did well. I think I was in worse shape then him.
Delivered my hb to the care center this a.m. for a 6-day stay while I attend granddaughter's wedding in MO. He never commented when I told him our plans or when I loaded the car or when we arrived and unloaded the car. Walked to the door as if he belonged:) We walked the halls of the Alz wing for a bit after locating his room. Played catch in the activities room (small) and sang kareoke with group. I told him I was leaving, kissed him on the cheek, and he said "okay."
I gave staff an inventory of stuff he brought along w/a description of his likes, dislikes, things he does, things he doesn't do, etc., etc. Apparently that's not something they usually receive from family. Admissions woman said I need to get his ID bracelet on right away or people will think he's a visitor.
About 30' ago the activities director phoned to say he was doing "fabulously." "Everyone loves him already." (HA! Wait until tonight and they try to put eye drops in.) He went through his memory book w/a couple of staff, answered yes and no questions re songs and singers. Chose as his afternoon snack fried green tomatoes! I was surprised they offered that except we're a country area and produce is overflowing right now. Being a southern lad, fried green tomatoes were common fare.
I think the level of activity is excellent for him because at home he doesn't do or seem to want to do much. Wish there were day care here.
Anyway, I'm feeling better about leaving town in the a.m.