Randy had a heart attack last Saturday. He is in a coma and it doesn't look good. When do I know its the right time to remove the life support. This is what he would have wanted but it is so difficult to know how long to wait to make that decision. I miss him so and I felt he had so many good years left with his Alzheimers.
I'm so sorry he had the heart attack. The question you are asking is one that is really a person's own choice. I can tell you that if my my husband who is in late stage 6 or early 7 had a heart attack or had cancer or something else going wrong with him, I hope that I can be strong enough to let him go. How he is living now is not the way he would want to.
My prayer all along has been that I do what is right and best for my husband. Listen to your heart and if you pray, pray on it and you will know what is right for him.
Oh, Penny! I am so sorry! You and your husband are in my prayers. Did your husband have a living will? If he did, then the doctors will go by that.
Otherwise, you are going to have to listen to your heart. It is one of the hardest choices you will ever make. Do you have grown children together, so that all of you could talk to the doctors together?
May you have the strength and courage you need during this time.
As therrja says, it is a very personal decision. One thing that can help, though, is the booklet "Hard Choices for Loving People" by Hank Dunn. He is a chaplain with many years' experience in hospice and hospitals. It has a great deal of information about life-sustaining methods, what they do and, ultimately, what they may or may not mean in terms of quality of life, or even the likelihood that the patient's life will be extended. It is available on the internet, for free, at:
http://www.hardchoices.com/about_hc.html
Click on 'Complete Text (PDF)" to download.
I just went there to make sure the page looks the same, and noticed that there is a second booklet, "Light in the Shadows." I haven't had a chance to read it yet, but it looks as if it might be helpful, as well.
Penny, also sending you hugs -you should try to make choices thinking of what your DH would make for himself. i would like to believe too that sometimes fate has a trump card and this can help our LO to not have to suffer the end stages of AD. you may want to discuss with close family and make the choice that way. bless you and hope you find the strength to endure. divvi
Penny-of course the choice is yours. Keep in mind that with AD once a function is lost it will not be regained. If your husband suffered oxygen deprivation to his brain he will have declined even further. So sorry
I wish we could just take a vote & tell you what you should do, but it is a personal decision, of course. Please feel our presence with you and your DH as you go thru this pain.
Penny, just remember that no matter what you decided everyone here will understand.
Talk to the Hospice people. I think they will tell you the truth about what is actually going on because onlike doctors who are trying everything to save lives, they know when it is time to arrange for a peaceful and painfree end to life. They also know when it is NOT time for that.
Penny, I am so sorry for this loss to you. Not only are you loosing your husband to the Alzheimer but now this. I do not know what stage your husband is in with the disease process but let me tell you for sure, if that happend to my husband now, I would not want to keep him here in the condition that he is now in. My husband is only in the beginning of stage 7 and unless a miracle happens he will progress to the end stage which will be brutal for him and us. No one should have to suffer this many years and go to the end of this disease.
Maybe if he has a Doctor that your trust, one you have had for many years, you may ask him, due to the condition your husband is already in would he if it were a family member of his choose to keep them here? Sometimes that will help.
My prayers and thoughts are with you now at this moment.
Penny, I agree with each of the above statements. I know it's terrible for me to say this, but I will tell you what I have told only close friends, whom I hope understand -- I'd rather go home from work this afternoon and find my DH dead of a heart attack laying back in his recliner than to have him progress through the final stages of AD. Some would call it cruel. I choose to call it compassion.
Whether or not to unhook the machines? We each have Living Wills, but I would contact his family, our children, spend time with his favorite pastor, then make my decision. Knowing what I do, I feel sure I would kiss him as I pulled the plug. Cruel? No. Compassion.
sthetford, I would also rather go home from work and find him dead of a heart attack laying back in his reciner than to go through the final stages of AD.
PennyL - As hard as this is for you, I am one of those who would rather have my DH die from a heart attack than end stage AD. If you need time to make peace with all of this, that is up to you, of course. In some ways I feel my DH is already dead and he is not near those final dreaded stages. You will be in my thoughs and love...
Penny, from one who went the distance with AD...my husband died in March of this year at age 62 after suffering with EOAD for over 11 years, I would have been thankful for a heart attack to take him before he had to endure end stage AD. But, that is just me....There are no easy answers, but I always thought to do what I would want done for me in that same position. So, when he got pneumonia in February I decided not to treat....hard decision, but the best one for all of us.
Yeah, another "vote" for the heart attack or stroke. I just put packets together in case we have to go to the hospital in an emergency. It happened to me in February and so it made sense to put together what the paramedics asked for. I need to add a contact list to the main packet envelope although there is contact info for my daughter on both sets of sheets. On my husband's info sheet it says Do Not Resuscitate.
Because I'm in this group, I'm facing the tough decisions early. No feeding tubes, no antibiotics, no surgery. He has vascular dementia and they do not recover from surgery by all reports. It affects them really badly so we won't be doing that.
My husband has been a DNR for a very long time. I used to say if he broke his leg and couldn't play tennis he would ask to be shot. Now that he is stage 6-7 dementia all decisions are mine. I was surprised that when he recently developed chest congestion Hospice put him on antibiotics as a comfort measure. They asked me first but implied they thought it should be done. I went aong with it. Still waiting for the Plan of Treatment to come in the mail so I can share the info.
Thank you so much for all your help with this very difficult decision. Randy's sister and mom are flying in tomorrow to say their last goodbyes. Then he will be taken off life support. This is what he would have wanted but it still makes it very difficult for the family.
When we did the patient advocacy paperwork in January, there was a place where the advocate had to sign and get the signature notarized. In that paragraph was an agreement that the advocate understood that they HAD NO CHOICE in what to do under certain circumstances. They were forced to make certain decisions when the time came.
Our attorney told us that having signed in that place in the paperwork, making the decision was made much easier for the advocate because they accepted that it wasn't their decision and that the decision had already been made by the patient.
I am sure that he was right.
Penny take care of yourself in this difficult time. We are all thinking of you.
When my dad had a major heart attack 2yrs ago and was on life support in the ER my mom said she couldnt make that decision so I made the one that only allowed him to finish the bag with the IV and then we would not replace a second. it was hard but he was suffering inmy opinion and even at 88yr would not want to live as he was. ironically when almost the IV drip was closing he passed with my mom and i standing next to him. i will always remember that last breath, it was the hardest thing for me to do, in my DH case with the AD i hope i can be as brave to do it again. i cant even begin to imagine how hard it will be. divvi
My husband and I each signed DNR years ago when we were young and healthy. Who ever thought it would ever be an issue! When my husband's breathing weakened I was asked if I wanted to take him to the hospital where he'd be hooked up to things, poked and probed-- he'd be terrified. I said 'no' and let it be. He was not really conscious that I could see, he appearred to be sleeping peacefully.
Of course, you know, I cannot fully describe my feelings. Words have not been coined for what we go thru. And afterwards, did I second guess myself--oh, yes, hundreds of times. But, you know, I felt so good that this was really his decision made decades earlier when he had a clear mind. It was not mine--and it was not mine to make, just as it is my decision for myself. Those of us who have DNR are fortunate, the load is lifted. It is one of the most loving things we can do for our each other. If you don't have one, get one--your family will bless you--and everyone will still second guess. And you tell Randy's sister and his Mom (Oh, God, how can she do this!) that our strength and presence is with them, too.
Penny Our thoughts and prayers are with you and the family. I would have the same difficulty in making that decision and will probably have that to make somewhere down the line. God bless you!
It is with great sadness that we share with you Randy's passing, Monday June 9, 2008. We have so appreciated all your love, prayers and support throughout this most difficult time. We removed life support on Friday June 6th and I must say it was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. I want to thank all of you for your input because although it was a difficult decision I know it was the right one. I will keep in touch.
I just had a heart to heart phone conversation with DH oldest son. yes the ones that have given me problems in the past, he was quite compassionate and i told him we all needed to be on the same page now as DH could be progressing into a phase that at some point I may be making the 'decision' about life options, DNR, and such. i told him i had poa for healthcare signed by his dad and he wants no tube feeding, dialysis, external support stuff i hes in bad shape. so i told him all this and was surprised that he agreed and said i had his total support in whatever i decide. the daugter is second poa if i cant make the decision. so it was an emotional call and we both cried knowing at some point things may progress to where these decisions must be made. also as a surprise was the statement, he was so glad his dad found me late in life -anyway, its never easy talking about these things, but i am relieved it said and agreed upon there will be no conflict of issues when the time comes. thank god, Divvi
Divvi, I am so glad that your DH's oldest son has decided to support you and his statement was wonderful for you! It will make it so much easier on you with all the rest you will have to go through later as well.
penny, i am so sorry to hear of your loss. my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. my god bless and comfort you during this difficult time. jav