There is a discussion on the boards (I was certain I was reaching out and wanted help) about asking for help, not getting help, not being able to ask for help, getting turned down when we ask, etc.
I thought it might be a help to all of us to make a specific list of what help friends, neighbors, and relatives can do for us without "inconveniencing" them too much. One thing to remember about asking for help is that not everyone is comfortable doing all things. I mentioned this in a blog recently. I have a relative who won't take Sid overnight if I need to go away, but he WILL AND DID (DOES) negotiate my car deal; handle one of my checking accounts; do ALL bathroom duties for my father, including changing and everything that goes with it; and does wheelchair duty for either Sid or my father.
I have a friend who lives 1200 miles away, but she has taken on the totally unpaid job of Message Board Monitor. She keeps an eye on you guys, and lets me know immediately if there is a new member, an old member in distress, a spammer. And she doesn't know it, but I am about to call her to ask her to do another little job for me, which I know she will happily accept. She's probably reading this right now, wondering what I have in store for her.
So what do you need done, and who do you think will be willing to do it?
1. Pick up a prescription from the pharmacy and drop it off at your house
2. Pick up a few groceries for you while they are in the store anyway.
16. Ask us to go out, as a couple, with you and your husband.
17. Send articles, pictures, cards, anything in the mail addressed to DH. He loves to get and open mail. Doesn't matter what it is. Nothing long or difficult to produce. Just a reminder that you know he's alive.
18. I can get the parts if you could help out by fixing . . . leaky faucet, running toilet, broken screens, etc. Any friend or relative whose done things like this. 19. We're thinking of going to the Concert in the Park---wanna drive?
20. When you see me out in the yard pulling weeds or trimming plants stop by and chat with me. It would be nice to have a meaningful conversation sometime.
21. Come by and take the LO out for lunch (I'll pay) so he can get out, be with someone beside me for companionship and stimulation.
22. Call ME and ask how I am for a change.
23. Call ME and suggest we go shopping or out for coffee.( yeah I know that sounds a little selfish but sometimes WE need something for US not just for the LO.)
This has been my experience: early on I asked for help from friends in a formalized way. DH's sister conducted a social gathering where she explained our situation, asked for help, I had even put together a list like the one this thread is attempting. It was 4 to 5 years ago. The result has been: people did not do what I asked for, they did what their comfort level was or what they have always done. Case in point: four friends got together and threw me a beautiful birthday luncheon. It was lovely, but it was what THEY wanted. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated it, but it would have been more meaningful if they instead would do the things mentioned above--especially taking my husband out or calling us and arranging a social evening. He has one friend who takes him to dinner on a monthly basis--that guy is a gem and is a rare friend. I should add that most of them still work full time, perhaps there would be more social interaction if they were retired. However, not all the retired friends make the time to help either. So basically, if we are to socialize as couples with others, I'm the one who has to set it up. They are all good people, I'm just surprised at the lack of initiative on the part of the husbands.
That is what I find to be true. And my DH's friends are all retired too. And while we don't expect them to drop everything in their own lives, how hard is it to make a call? Or plan a chance to go out for lunch with him so he has something other than me and the cat to focus on?
I think it does all go back to their comfort level. This was a topic at our ALZ meeting yesterday. One lady there has been a * for a year now and she is still so tired. She belongs to a few social organizations but when it comes to dealing with things at her house, from her description, it sounds like my house too..just not enough umph to contend with the chores that it is just easier to close the door on rather than deal with it.
24. Come and visit us once a month. I had a couple that did that for a couple of years one Friday morning a month. Towards the end that was most of the socializing I had.
25. Do my shopping for me. At the very end during my husband's last week at home, two of my neighbors offered to do that for me at any time. I'm still amazed at how kind they were being.
27. Really care about DH enough to notice that he is different while, at the same time, treating him the same. Most people don't recongize a difference. (daughter and SIL) (son will repeat as many times as necessary and acts like it is no big deal.) (He tells me when I thank him for being so patient "no big deal Mom.)
A friend came to visit and talk old cars last week. Not a close friend but someone we visit from time to time. I had not said a word but this man knew DH well enough to pick up on some repeating and personality changes. He did an "eye brow lift" to me on one pretty obvious occasion and was so kind about handling it. Like my son says, no big deal was made.
28. Understand that DH is not doing any of the pesky things on purpose. DH is not trying to be difficult or mean, he is just being "him" the way he is now.
29. I love company. I invite people over for lunch--folks we've known for a long time. Sometimes they say "Oh, that's too much work for you. Why don't we all go out some place." Or, Let's not have lunch with you. We'll come after lunch and visit." They miss the point. I enjoy fixing a nice lunch for people. I know they are trying to be considerate but I wouldn't ask if I couldn't handle it.
30. squeeky doors, burned out light bulbs, a hem that needs mending. That kind of little stuff. Always needs doing and Those things I do have problems with.
Mawzy, one of my neighbors did a bunch of silly handyman stuff for me about 6 months ago and told me I could call him at any time for more of the same. One light bulb on the ceiling. Changed the batteries on the fire alarms. Took the storm doors down and put the screens in their place. Changed the furnace filter (in the attic). All things I can't do myself. It was worth the world. You can't hire someone to do that stuff.
I have the same wonderful neighbours, thankfully. They brought me dinner every day for 3 weeks while my husband was in hospital, picked up prescriptions. got groceries, fixed a leaky faucet, drop by just to say hi and told me to call them any time even if it's the middle of the night. I don't get that kind of help from family.