My DH has started hiding things. He has a roll of money (about $100) & he keeps "losing" it. Just when I think he has really lost it he pulls it out of his pocket. The problem is that he has started accusing me of taking it. I know that is normal from what I have read on the postings. Silly me, I tried to tell him that I didn't take it & of course we got into an argument. Anyway, when he was taking a shower this morning I remembered that I wanted to see if one of his hiding places was under the mattress & BINGO guess what I found, you got it.....his money roll! However I also found 3 knives there also (not kitchen knives,but the knives that fold into the handle). I knew that he had the knives but it was a bit disturbing so I took them & hid them in my closet. Anyway, I didn't tell him that I found the money & I'm not sure if I should tell him or not. Should I just take the money & put it on his night stand? I know that this is just the start of him accusing me of stealing from him. How have any of you handled this?
Elaine - first I would make a roll up of play money and replace it. Then have some others that when he looses one you can 'find' it. Good idea with the knives and you might consider hiding all the sharp knives and scissors in the house. I would also put a lock on your closet.
A first to do is let the doctor know now, not later. Medication might help with the anger/accusing.
it gets a lot worse,I was accused every day of taking hundreds of dollars when I know for a fact she never had much money but they think they do an then go balisitic,her big thing was hiding her purse...all day long,I finally got one of those little alarms for luggage an locked it on purse with a small padlock,when she couldn't find it I'd hit the transmitter button an alarm would go off,saved lots of headaches,good luck in the future
Charlotte. thanks for the idea. Someone else told me to take most of the high bills out of the roll. About the medication, he won't go back to the neurologist so our family doctor prescribes his Namenda & Aricept. As for the knives, I think I'm just going to get rid of them. Don, thanks for the good wishes....I'm so glad I founf this website, it's my support group & I value everyones opinion.
Elaine, same thing went on here. Last time he "lost" his billfold, I found it and kept it and didn't say a word. He hasn't mentioned it either. He kept his change in a change holder on the dresser. One day I noticed it was gone and asked him where it was. He didn't know; someone must have taken it. Much later I found it in a bottom drawer of his desk. I left it there and didn't mention it. Left the change in it, too--there wasn't enough to make it worth my while to filch:)
We went through a period where my husband said that pennies were garbage. We had a big container of pennies on his dresser and by the time I noticed he was throwing pennies away, the container was 3/4 empty. This was almost 2 years ago. Money doesn't really mean much to him anymore.
My DH saved coins for years.They were in a piggy bank, bottles, cans. I finally insisted on taking them to the bank. We put them in a machine that counted them. We had $600. His mother also saved 'rare' coins and bills. He still has them since she died in 1990. Every once in a awhile he shows me coins he thinks are rare. He no longer carries any money and does not want to take his wallet when we go out. That became a problem when a Dr. sent him to get blood work at a lab and he had no id or insurance cards. We had to go home and get his wallet.
My husband once hid $400 in the back of a "stud finder". He has accused me of taking money from him and there was no convincing him I didn't do it. If and when I ever find any money that he has hidden...I will keep it...and tell him he just doesn't remember where he put it. KEEP ANYTHING YOU FIND THAT YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO HAVE AND JUST TELL THEM...THEY DID SOMETHING WITH IT AND THEY JUST CAN'T REMEMBER. You just have to get over the statements that you have stolen his money or anything else. You know you haven't...I use to try to turn it into a joke and would say..."I've never thought of stealing your money when I can go to the bank and get what I need, but you have given me a great idea....I may start stealing your money if I find it." The money thing has stopped for now...but who knows when it will start again. I know he had at least $400 about 6 months ago and he keeps claiming he doesn't have any money...I just ignore it..and I have told him he is getting no more money. Too many other things to be concerned about now.
You have to take charge of both of your lives now...no being a panty wasit...of course they will object, they will say hateful things to you, they will threaten you. Get strong and challenge them right back. Your feeling are going to be hurt, you will cry, but the sooner you let them know who are in charge because they are ill...the better off you will be.
I agree about the $$$ thing..my hubbster also brings up money now and then but not as a matter of my having swiped it or anything but that it has been used for gas and he needs some in the drawer. I tell him two things...I have a stash in the safe, which is true, and he has his in the drawer...I keep 4 100 dollar bills there. This way he thinks he is helping me out " giving me money for the car or grocery store". It gives his ego a little boost for now. He has no access to the safe..I have it on a day lock and the key is with me at all times. If we are away the dial is spun. The fewer trips to the bank the better.
Judith, Thanks for the advice. I've been in charge of our financial lives even before he he had any signs of AD, but I had no idea how hard (& exhausting) it would be to have to do EVERYTHING for both of us. Today he was focused on his car keys. He kept asking if they were his keys & then he kept on misplacing them. It was driving me crazy! I am working on trying not to lose my patience when he asks me the same question 5 times in an hour, but it isn't easy (as you know!)
ElaineH: This so brings up memories. Same thing - last two years, but, I didn't find it until I had to place my DW on Feb 10, sell the house and move to where our children live. We found money hid all over the house. Places I would never think of looking. Like the bouquet on the dining room table. In my experience, finding this money and moving it worn't make the problem go away. Once they start down this road, it never ends.
DH got paid some of his wage for work this spring. He works during the spring and summer for a contractor. He is always counting the money and moving it to a different place. he will show me where it is but won't tell me because he says if the house is bugged then someone will know where it is.
I went so many years thinking that he was just teasing me or making a joke when he did these things. He is so serious so I just play alone. sometimes he hides it and can't find it but it usually shows up.
Yesterday my DH came up with the idea we had thousands of dollars in cash. He has a metal box with papers in so he went and got that to show me the money. Of course there were no thousands of dollars. He couldn't believe it and after a bit he said maybe he dreamt it. I agreed with the dream.lol.
I don't know what it is with my dh, but he never blames me for anything. am I the only one?
I lost his car keys a year ago, now have "broken" his bike, right now I have hidden his jacket in my closet (he keeps wanting to go out and anyway it's too warm for a jacket) and I often hide his shoes so he won't put them back on at bedtime or in the night. I lock the front door when he's not looking to keep him from leaving the house. Actually it's not even necessary to do it when he's not looking; he still will not blame me later for having done it, although he DOES come to me to ask me to fix it.
It's always "they" have broken or lost the stuff; I am blameless! It makes me feel guilty because sometimes I think he feels ashamed when stuff turns up missing, like his car keys. But I never confess.
I don't get any blame either. That other Grace did it. That other Grace never helps with the chores either. If I could see her I would give her a piece of my mind. LOL
Mine never blamed me. He howls and howls sometimes when we're moving him around and then says SHUT UP SHUT UP. He's talking to HIMSELF, not us, as he will explain!!
briegull, this mild, sweet man told me not long ago he was going to knock the hell out of me. I got right up in his face and said hit me. He said I wouldn't hit you and I know he wouldn't unless he had a big personality change.
Bama, I know your husband is a real sweetie, but please don't get in his face and provoke him....his personality could change any minute and if he perceives you as a threat I hate to think what might happen. My sweet and kind husband put his fist through the drywall a couple of times when he got frustrated...I realized that it could have been my face. I spent most of that part of the disease staying in another part of the house....and only dealing with him when necessary.
Bama, Sandi is absolutely correct. Getting into his face and saying "hit me" is NOT talking to your husband, but rather a sad person with AD, and they don't have the control your 'former husband' had. You were taking a big chance. You cannot imagine the strength they have. Be careful.
I know it was a foolish thing to do. After his 2 weeks in the Geropsych Clinic for meds adjustment he was definitely a handful until we got him off all the meds they put him on. With falling out of the bed and trips to the ER and no sleep for me I lost my cool. He had been telling me that numerous times and I just decided to test him. Funny, he has not said that to me again. It's like a couple of years ago when things didn't go to suit him he would grab his chest making an awful face and start staggering around. It scared me to death and after getting him to sit down he would start smiling. I started ignoring his Fred Sanford "momma it's the big one" and he stopped doing it. Does any of this make sense? He really is and has always been a very mild sweet person and I promise you that if I see changes in his personality I will be careful.
Bama: Take care of your self, you hear. You promised me a glass of sweet ice tea someday and I want to collect it. Of course, you promised that to a lot of other people too.
Anyhow, Please be Careful. There are a lot of people here that love you.
Bama, Sandi* gave you wise advice..One evening I was getting ready to leave and I went to give my mom who had AD a hug good night. She was sitting in her easy chair. She shoved me across the room. Normally she was docile. Another time when I was at the house cleaning, I walked by the room and she yelled at me to " GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" I had done nothing but walk by. I was shocked. So I went to the back of the house and folded clothes, changed beds, dusted whatever I could do to stay our of her way for well over an hour. Finally I decided it had been long enough and I wanted to take some trash out. So I walked past the room she was sitting in and what does she do? She yells at me " I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW GET OUT!!!" So they don't always forget things as quickly as we might think they do. Also if an AD patient is sitting in a chair and you want to greet them, I would suggest making sure they have enough room or open area around them so they don't feel closed or caged in a space that may make them feel the need to fight and flight.