I am so shocked! My DH has one brother – that is it. That is his family. They are naturally close, though he lives in MD while we live in VA. When my husband was recently diagnosed with MCI, I called him to explain the situation and recruit his help to get my husband to start thinking about retirement, etc. I carefully explained the situation – that DH’s issues were not just memory related, but personality, poor reasoning, lack of judgment, etc. (BTW, my guess is that DH is on the road to AD, but since he hasn’t lost his job, got the MCI diagnosis).
He and DH spent the following weekend in New York, attending a Glen Beck/Bill O’Reilly event (BIL is a “tea partier”). After they returned, and BIL had left to drive home, my husband sheepishly informs me, “BIL wants us to buy that property in Florida.” BIL is a Nascar fan, and spends a month every year in Florida for races. He bought 2 time shares – one he never uses. I guess the one they do use is now available to buy – or maybe he has spotted a different property nearby that is for sale.
I was stunned! I cannot believe my BIL would propose such a thing. Why, in heaven’s name would we want to buy a property in Florida?!! We have 2 townhouses here in VA that we rent out, that we are now SELLING – to get out before the next leg down in real estate – and to reduce stress!
Instead of getting into an emotional discussion, I emailed DH a very recent news article stating that foreclosures are on the rise again – that Florida is one of the top 3 worst areas, etc. Waited a few days and asked if he’d read it. Ummm, no he never saw that (or doesn’t remember). Tells me he thinks this would be a good investment. He is seriously considering this! I asked him what is in it for us. There are millions of properties on the water around the country – why would we want to buy this one. He then informs me his brother would live there 6 months out of the year and would take care of all the maintenance, that’s what makes it different. I then asked - and if your brother drops dead a month later – then what? Then we’ll sell it – he replied. And lose our a**es, I point out.
I asked the obvious. Why doesn’t your brother buy the property? He can’t afford it. Well that tells you all you need to know, I replied.
This is so sad. Two years ago he would never have considered this! Two years ago he knew you never do business with friends and relatives! Two years ago he would have trusted my judgment (I have done all the work with our rental properties – finding, negotiating, fixing renting, selling, etc.)!
Worse than my DH’s poor judgment – which isn’t his fault – is that his only brother would be trying to take advantage of him! I am so, so, shocked I just CAN’T get my head around this….. This really worries me about what else BIL may try in the future….argggggggh
I emailed the article to my husband again. Hopefully he reads it, understands it, and remembers it.
I am confused..why are you sending emails about this to your DH. Did you mean to say bil? I am missing something..just call me a dummy if I have it wrong.
Mary, I would contact the credit bureaus for one. Have them put a block so no one can run a credit check without YOUR permission. I assume you have a cell phone, so give them that number to call. Second, is VA a state where both spouses signature are required to purchase something like that? I hope so, then you can refuse to sign. Maybe you can contact his doctor and see if there is anything they can do so he can't sign. I know it is only and MCI diagnosis, but there has got to be things you can do to prevent this from happening. Others will come along who have experience and can give advise. Sounds like it is time for an Elder Law Attorney.
Also, I would be bombarding your BIL to find out what he is up to - the reason for this.
I sent my husband an e-mail of an article that outlined the current state of the real estate market (increasing foreclosures, etc.). I often send him articles I think he might find interesting, it's just easier than printing them out for him. He still works (most of the day on the computer), so he just reads them when they come across his email. Then when he gets off work, we discuss.
Charlotte,
I really want to confront BIL, but I know whatever I say to him, he'll report back to my DH, and I'll end up the bad guy. I'm thinking I may just e-mail the article to him, then call to see if he got it, and during the phone call suggest that this would not be something that would help relieve stress in my DH's life, which is what he (BIL) and I agreed we would work together to do. At least that way he will know that DH still consults me, and maybe he'll back off...I don't know...I just hate that he is doing this in the first place. If someone had told me this would happen, I would have sworn to them - No - not in a million years.
Mary, What bothers me about this is the bil knows your husband has memory problems..he may not be of the AD level yet but he cannot make these kinds of decisions alone. I would hate to think bil is trying to make play on your situation. Could there be a chance the bil has memory issues too? If not, and having discussed trying to work together for your husband's benefit seems fishy. I agree..no credit checks by anyone you don't authorize regarding property purchases. Could he bil have financial problems he needs help with and sees his brother as an easy target to get him out of a fix? While being diplomatic is not a bad thing I would be politely direct with him and let him know your husband mentioned this issue and could your husband perhaps got it wrong? That way you would not come off as a bad guy but at the same time get the message across that DH cannot make this decision and in any case it would NOT be in your and his best interest.
Mimi's answer is perfect and more need to take control is going to evolve here so may as well get started. The credit steps that Charlotte mentioned are something I would definitely try and get done.
Thank you Wolf. Being an INTJ comes in handy sometimes. ;^) Good luck with this,Mary. Keep us posted.. Situations like this come up so unexpectedly and it is sooooooooooo good we have this forum from which to learn how to manage things from the experiences of others.
Don't forget your permission slip to use "Fiblets" when necessary. You might tell your BIL that the family attorney has been contacted by his doctor to be wary of financial decisions made by your DH. Something to the effect that it is customary to exercise extra caution with all diagnosed patients. maybe???
My DH was diagnosed with MCI and 15 months later he had stage 4 AD. His neurologist told me to get an attorney and have DH sign POA etc. and have everything put in my name. At this point, he carries an out-of-date credit card and about $13 in his wallet. He doesn't drive anymore and I personally handle all business transactions. Sad, but true. He just couldn't handle it.
I'm thinking that BIL may have MCI or AD himself. I hate to think ill of him. Is he married? Are you able to talk with his wife.
I think even when they are told the diagnosis, some family members don't GET IT. They just can't. In a similar way, DH bought a BULL from DH's brother when BIL knew that DH couldn't take care of his cattle or even recognize which ones belonged to him. I supppose it made BIL feel content thinking that everything was really OK in spite of the diagnosis..and well, he did earn several thousand dollars from the sale.
Mary - Calm down a bit. Your goal should be to prevent this transaction. Contact an elder care attorney, your CPA, the doctor, the bank where your funds are--everyone who can help you block any money transfer. If you don't have a POA, etc, get it today. If your DH is thinking of this, time may come when he thinks something else is a good idea and it may involve people you don't even know. Scams reign supreme with the elderly. It is a full-time business for some--and I mean that literally. It doesn't matter what BIL's motives are, you just need to go behind the scenes and block it.
Most people do not understand the severity of MCI. It means someone is IMPAIRED. It may seem otherwise, but they cannot make rational decisions. If he read the articles you sent, I doubt he could rationally discuss foreclosures. In spite of what he said, BIL likely does not understand the reality of the situation either. As some have said, maybe he has some cognitive problems also, but none of that matters and, you're right, don't get into any emotional arguments. You're very stressed right now--you should be--but calm down. You'll get it worked out, you're in charge.
I also handled all the finances, thankfully. I also gave DH an expired credit card & a few dollars for his wallet. If you did that, you know full well DH cannot handle a real estate sale. You can discuss it w/out arguing about it with casual general remarks-- and just prevent it.
For any other spouse reading this, a best friend's mother came to find out that there was no money when she needed it, he'd given it all away to TV religious shows, phone solicitors and who know where else. She'd always just left everything up to him--don't let that happen to you.
Mary-- Betty is right. You need to get control of all finances and ensure that your DH cannot make any monetary commitments. My husband was also dx with MCI at first. After the fact, I found out that he had made errors in judgment for years before the dx--it was only because of the honesty of others and pure luck that some terrible things didn't happen.
If only I'd known back then, when it was just Mild Cognitive Impairment...what I know now.....OMG! PLEASE do what you MUST do and do not hesitate. My DH insisted on keeping all of his investments so close to his chest and would make major decisions (buy/sell) without a moment hesitation, resulting in one $27,000 IRS bill and a loss of $500,000 in ONE poor investment move. ONLY ONE! He was retired, but out and about and no one in the world would have questioned his decisions, - because he was a master at 'faking it' with everyone but me. Too late, I saw what he did and it was devastating. Intelligent men can cover up (fake) their condition for years..with outside people.
I have hesitated to jump in here, because I know what I have to say is very blunt and you will not like it, but it has to be said. You are exactly as I was 4 years ago. You are treating your husband as if he is the husband he WAS. He is not, and never will be again. It took me FOREVER and a lot of pain, sobbing, and trying, trying, trying, to expect him to be who he WAS, until I finally "got it". He went away and was not coming back. I HAD to take over, stop consulting him, stop expecting him to have good judgements and rational decisions. As Betty said, he is IMPAIRED, whether they call it MCI or AD. He cannot make rational decisions, no matter how well he seems to be functioning. There is no going back. I am sorry that is the way it is - believe me I am sorry - for all of us.
EVERYONE told me this, and still, I could not accept it. I had to learn it the hard way - by seeing him unravel before my eyes each time I tried to treat him as he USED TO BE, rather than how he IS NOW. It sucked then; it sucks now, but it is what it is, and it's not going to get better.
Well said Joan. I think even as the disease progresses we forget and fall back to thinking they can be rational.
I do 'talk' it over with my hb, but unless it really doesn't matter, I let him make the decision. Example: when we set up the satellite we did not stake it down. It was so hard to bring in I didn't want to chance loosing it. He obsesses over it and I let him put him stake it down last night. He moved it to the point we lost one satellite and the other one was iffy on what stations we could get. It rained and it wasn't until this afternoon we went out, took the stakes out and I tweaked it enough to bring both satellites back in. No matter of explaining could get him to understand totally how just putting the stakes in could move it so we lost the satellite. This was a decision that was not life threatening or costly (except the aggravation of loosing TV last night so had to watch recorded movies).
But what mary 22033 is facing could potentially be a costly situation and as you said, needs to take control now, not later.
Mary, I hate to give you something else to worry about but spouses will offer friends and relatives part of their bank accounts if they will help them get their money.
Here's another stunt along the same lines: Three years ago, my husband's children took him from the Care Facility to the bank and had him close his bank account and open up a new one. Then they took him to a lawyer who had never met my husband before and told the lawyer, "Daddy's marriage has broken down, and he wants to appoint us as P.O.A." I didn't find out about all this until my cheques bounced, and I was left with $31,000.00 to make good. It took me 3 months plus to sort this out and apply for guardianship. P.S. I had had P.O.A., but the kids had husband sign a letter revoking it. What I'm saying is that you have to protect yourself in every way you can.
Mary, Joan gave some wise advice..I would add that as this disease progresses, we have to fight the urge to turn that blind eye..I don't mean the incontinent issues, that is so out there no one can ignore that. It is the more subtle things. In the past couple of days there have been discussions not only about the banking accounts issues but also adding names to utility and household billing accounts. There are so many things we learn but bumping into it and some of us may be spared the head aches others have had thanks to them giving us a heads up.
I got a call from my elder care attorney on Friday. This week, and if not tomorrow then Thursday, I'll be getting at least a 30 page letter of things needing done, much of what has been discussed, as well as some serious adjustments to our trust.
I have talked to DH about this and on some level he knows this is in the mix. What I have not told him are some of the things ( suggestion I think of divorce since I was asked twice if we are both practicing Catholics) that might be involved. Why you may ask? Because DH thinks there is nothing wrong with him..he thinks he is in perfect health. Never mind the meds he has to take for diabetes, hypertension, etc..I quake when I think of what his reactions may be.
With regard to your bil, I still think being polite so as not to burn potential helpful bridges is a good idea BUT he must be made to understand your husband cannot make decisions of this nature..and do as Joan and others have suggested and get the POA if you don't have one or if it needs updating AND make sure the banks etc understand that NO one is to come in and claim anything so as to get your husband to change anything as happened to Mary 75 and others. Good luck and keep us posted..we are worried for and about you.
Mimi, I had had a message placed on the computer screen of both the Bank of Montreal and the Royal Bank accounts, "Client has Alzheimer's" and still the scam was pulled. The bank has all sorts of excuses, and the most plausible one is that my husband presents himself well. It seems he came in alone; there were no signs of anyone with him. He went up to the teller and asked to close one account and open another, in which he made the transfer. The teller apparently called over the manager and she okayed it. The manager says she only saw the three adults with my husband after they left the Bank of Montreal and crossed the street over to the Royal Bank. The same maneuver was repeated there.
If I may let me tell you how I have handled the financial situation with my DH. It isn't pretty but it worked. Early on I didn't pull any punches with him after he was dx and on medications. I told him this is a condition that will do nothing but get worse and we both have to make adjustments in our lives and life style. We still have a lot of living to do and will try to do as many things as we can as long as we can based on your health. After I had done lots of research on this site and others I knew finances would be a major problem. So...I said to him "From this day forward, because of your illness I AM IN CHARGE of the finances and I will have to be in charge of most everything from now on....you are going to have to learn to live with this just like I am going to have to learn to live with caring for you as long as I live." I am going to put the checking, savings, cds, etc. into my name only. He had a fit. I said...OK.. then I am going to take my half and put it into my name only and therefore, we are not going to be living as "husband and wife we will be room mates because we can't afford two houses and I will no longer be your caregiver. You can find and pay for someone to take care of you if you want to....if not...you will have to just wing it and you probably will die much sooner. I then said..starting tomorrow...I am no longer responsible for taking care of your clothes, fixing you meals, making appointments for you, taking you to the appts., ordering your medications,...on on."
Then I got very gentle with him and told him...he had to realize I was giving up the rest of my life for him and for him to think about that and we would discuss the matter later. Several days went by and he said to me one morning..."You aren't going to leave me are you??". I said no..not at this time...but, if I am to give you my all then I am in charge...not just in charge of part of this household but all of it. I am not going to accept the responsibility of caring for you when I don't have any idea and little say in what is going on with our finances. Then I discussed the fact that if he did something crazy with the money how awful it would be and that many people that have this condition do very strange things. This I would not and could not tolerate.
I went to the bank and opened up new accounts in my name only, got a P.O box and have the statements go there and I put the cds in my name only. I never told him what I did and he never asked. Even now the subject is rarely discussed. But, I now am in total charge and he accepts it. If he does get a little frisky I just remind him that he might be getting his own meals, washing his own clothes, etc. if he didn't shape up. (Frankly, I was amazed how easy it was and how he rarely questions anything regarding the finances.)
This type of action has to be taken early on and that is why I did the "tuff love" thing early on. Now it is not much of a problem thanks to all the wonderful posts I've read here I felt that this was the best way to handle it.
Now we have seen an elder attorney and are getting a trust done. No one can afford to have a mate making financial decisions with these conditions....if you do...you are just asking for trouble and you will have enough "trouble" in the months and years ahead without adding financial problems to the picture.
Judith, I am right behind you. Our elder lawyer is going to send to me this week a 30 page document of suggestions for out trust as well as our POA and DPOA. And as a part of all of this, to include the banking issues ( which so far have not been a problem since he happily gave over the bills to me) will have to be made clear to him gently, calmly. I get more cooperation that way..and of course his doctors will back me up as well...just reminding him of their suggestions helps. I do not look forward to humiliating him and will do my utmost go get the cooperation first..I hope letters from the lawyer will be enough to make changes at banks without his having to come along to do it all.
Mary75, It is just beyond shocking what those kids did behind your back and taking advantage of your DH in this way. Those people would be on my Sh*& list forever more for such a stunt.
This disease is not just the most awful disease that destroys a relationship between spouses, it is a veritable snake pit of traps, dishonesty, lies and subterfuge by others, worst of all by family members who think they have something to gain.
I want to add a little to my above comments. The reason I was so concerned about our finances was because my DH who had been Treasurer of his union covering 5 states knew math and figures....however one of the first indications that he might have AD was the problem of remembering his golf scores. He loved to play golf and he couldn't remember how many shots he had on any given hole, where his ball was or how to figure his handicap. He knew he had a problem with memory, but he would and still does say "I have a problem, but I am not that bad"....I always agree with him and point out all the things he can still do. Getting control of our finances might have been easier for me then for others whose mates are in denial. I have discontinued the post office box and the statements come to the house, he looks at them, says very little because I don't think he understands anything about finances, figures, math, etc. We were both retired and if he had made any financial decisions that would affect our savings we had no way of recovering from a financial disaster.
JudithKB, yes, it was the denial factor in our case. My husband has always thought he has a only a "memory problem" but otherwise is okay. Also, he has huge guilt feeliings when it comes to his kids. They have all been involved with drugs, and one was in a gang, and he feels that if he'd been a better dad, they would not be so troubled. He is easy prey for them. Ex-wife is just as bad and, in my opinion, is the instigator.
Beginning again. Mary: Seems like we have a lot in common. My DH is just totally disgusted with his 2 sons. They are dead beats when it comes to working, etc. My DH was a hard worker all his life and provided for his family. I think I mentioned this earlier in one of my posts that his youngest son tried to "kidnap" him about 6 weeks ago. He was going to come to where we live and fly my DH back to where he lives and get a POA and keep him there. We found out what the motives were and put a BIG damper on it. Now there is no communication between the them. And, my DH wants them left out of the will and this trust we are doing. We have an appointment with the lawyer Thursday. My DH signed a medical and financial POA to me over two years ago.
The attorney told us that he was so glad he had done that early on because if there is any problems with the new POAs with regards to my DH's ability to know what he is signing we can always show his intent to have me be in control over 2 years ago. That is why it is so important for all these new people to do this right away while their spouses know what they are doing.
Judith, Ask your lawyer how to address leavng that son out of the will or trust..just to make sure he can't come back and say he was merely overlooked..This was discussed earlier. Someone said it needs to be spelled out and I would suppose if someone were to leave someone out it may take a statement or letter or something legal like to say to the effect
" Joseph Dokesems is left out of this estate for the following reasons: a, B C D and may not contest this document " or whatever kind of legal language is used.
I wonder why some lawyers want to leave something to a realtive who has had nothing to do with the parent. There are people who leave everything to cat or dogs homes and nothing is said. I think if I had a rotten kid I would make sure they didn't get a penny. There has to be some way to say they cannot contest a will.
I believe someone on another post indicated that a person you wish to leave out can be covered with a statement like, "...and to John Dokesems I leave fond regards in like manner to which I received." Then maybe make a blanket statement that these are my wishes and may not be contested. Ask the lawyer.
that was me - my dad said: 'and to the children Margarite, Darrell and Charlotte (included last names) I leave my love'. When consulting an attorney I was told that is the legal way to disown a child.
I think that you leave something like $1.00, be very specific. By leaving them money they cannot claim that they were left out or overlooked in any way. It is also a slap in the face to be left $1.00 and if you want to add some of the other wording that's OK, too.
I had a half brother who my father hadn't seen since he was three months old. My father's attorney told him to mention him and leave him $1.00 just in case he might surface and try to contest the will.
Even if he had, there wasn't much more than $1.00 left in the estate :-)
Thank you all so much for your input. As always, this site, and all of you wonderful folks who post, are a tremendous help to me as I try to navigate each new challenge.
I am going to forestall the next conversation with DH until after we return from a vacation at the end of the month – hoping we can both enjoy some downtime before tackling this. I just hope my BIL is not in his ear urging him that this deal won’t last, have to do it NOW, etc.
We were at the beach last week with my family and the topic came up. My DH said, “Well sometimes it’s not about money. It’s about doing something nice for someone.” I found out the level of nice he is considering is $300,000! I told him that we need to discuss this but that was not the right time.
After all your advice, I have decided I am going to speak to DH and: 1) remind husband of all BIL’s bad decisions handing tens of thousands to BIL’s own wife & her family over the years – each time my DH said he was a fool – all of that is what he will be bankrolling if he now buys BIL a vacation property in FL. If his brother truly cannot afford this property it is because BIL’s wife & her family have bled him dry – so why would DH want to be next in line for that fate? If BIL was a fool all those times he forked over money to them, then my DH would be the biggest fool of all if he bought this property for BIL. 2) I am also going to explain to him that while we thought were in good shape for retirement, that things have changed with his diagnosis. That while we are praying for and expecting the best outcome, we have to be prepared for the worst. The worst could include: no income from him, and the cost of in-home nursing for him for 10 years or more. Planning for that scenario, we are in the same boat as his BIL – we cannot afford to buy that property. (BTW, We currently have 2 children in college and a 15 year old yet to put through.) 3) I am thinking of pointing out to DH that he is now a target for co-workers, neighbors, and even family members. That once people hear about his diagnosis, they will try to take advantage of him (he has always been a cynic, so he should easily believe that). That it is very important that he not give ANY money to ANY one, without consulting me first.
I hate having to do this, and possibly making him depressed, but considering the circumstances I think I have no choice – time for tough love.
I know his reasoning button is broken, but I am going to try one last time.
Then I will call BIL and try Mimi's suggestion - tell him DH must have misunderstood and I just want to clarify. In any case I will explain that we simply cannot afford it given the possibility of in-home care in my DH’s future, and please do not ever approach DH with any financial requests again – it is too stressful for him.
As for getting over the shock, that my BIL would try to take advantage of his only brother, I guess I should just count my blessings that he provided a glimpse into the future, so that I can now be cautious and on alert for all comers.
Thanks again to all of you – you are wonderful! You are the only ones who truly understand.
Mary, Have you contacted an elder care attorney? I can't recall if you have or not but if not now is the time to get that rolling..you need to get control of all the finances NOW..don't wait. Before you go on holiday call a certified elder care attorney. You may have to complete an intake form before you can get a set appointment.This attorney will get the ball rolling for you to take over with POA and DPOA and whatever else is needed but you need to do this while your DH is still able to grasp the concepts even if he needs reminding later. If he gets too far along this is made far more difficult. Also get the utility bills, as was discussed on another thread, in both your names, I started calling today and some might require he be on the phone to agree to it...with our gas co I just told them he has been DX with AD and after a wait for a few minutes a superisor got on the line and had me answer a few questions and it was done. I am going through this as each bill comes in and in the quiet hours when DH is less likely to ask too many questions. We have talked about this and he does agree with this. Your BIL and his wife et al pose real threats to your situation especially as you have college age kids and one still to go.. Keep us posted.
I don't believe anyone will "listen" to you and then agree. MAY??? NEED IN HOME HELP some day???? NO - not "MAY",,, you WILL. You will you will you will. Read the posts by Mary above and so many others who are living that life now. .. Not the early ones. My husband lived ten years with the diagnosis and it nearly bankrupted us...and we were upper middle class income people. We never wanted for anything, both drove Mercedes which we paid cash for... owned a condo in St. Thomas USVI.. NO MORE...I'm okay now, but just that. No more island vacation homes etc. If I had known ten years ago what I know now....my life would be so different. There would have been sit down meetings, (screw hurt feelings) - and everyone would have begun again on a new page. You must do that too. I know about thinking you have lots of time, but this is the time when my husband made his worst investment mistakes, when no one questioned him.
I am afraid for you. And I understand how hard it was to take over the reins from a controlling husband who never believed anyone was as intelligent as he was.
At this very moment my husband is adjusting to his MCI diagnosis. Right now, I do want him to know that his condition is hopeless. Because without hope he will sink into an abyss of depression. I have my eyes wide open and I know what is coming - thanks to this website, and to a close friend whose DH suffered and died from AD 5 years ago.
I currently keep track of every penny on Quicken, so I am on top of all finances and he knows that - we do it together. My husband, so far, still consults me and, outside of this deal with BIL, actualy just hands the investment decisions to me - thank God! Not too long ago an investment advisor (son of a business associate) tried to get him to invest in a hedge fund. He was actually considering it. That was one of the big red flags - Huston we have a problem! DH has always been ultra-conservative with finances.
I am going to have the "sit down" after we return from our vacation. And I will have you all there with me in spirit giving me strength - I will be firm! I know this is about protecting DH, myself, and our children.
I was discussing this with #2 son tonight, and he had an interesting theory. He thinks DH is feeling fatalistic - that he is going to die soon - and that he is probably just thinking he'd like to do something nice for his brother before he goes. But we both agreed - no matter what DH is *thinking* - he needs to understand this "investment" is NOT an option!
I agree with Janet. I do know my DH can "understand" things I discuss with him; however, he will not remember it later - five minutes or the next day. Be very careful.
Mary one of the really important things you need to realize now is that during a "sit down discussion" your husband may agree with every thing you say and he will actually know that what you are saying is in your best interest.....BUT...BUT....RED FLAG....tomorrow or next week or next month he won't remember that he said that or that he was even considering not helping his brother. This is the one of the hardest part of this illness...the conversations you can have with your mate and you just accept it like the many other conversations you have had......NOOOOO....it isn't just like it was before....you have to take charge and see an elder attorney to have things put in a trust so no one can take advantage of him and you.
And if your utility bills etc are not in both of your names do that now. I am finding it really pretty easy so far getting my name ADDED to the billing account, not removing his name. Every call I have been told "he needs to let us hear him authorize it" to which I then tell him he has AD and they become very sympathetic to the situation and add my name with out difficulty and tell me when I have the POA and things change where to fax the data..so far so good. Fingers crossed too as today I meet with the elder care lawyer about what to do regarding the trust etc..scares me somewhat in relation to what she may recommend for LTC for him should he need nh care if I can't manage in home...worry worry worry.. the elder care attorney is there to help sort this all out..
Mary, please don't dwell on your DH understanding his condition is hopeless. Don't even go there in your discussion. I just told my DH last year that he has been paying all the bills all our lives and I thought I should at least get familiar with what comes due and when so that if he is off on one of his camping trips, I would know what I was looking at and what to do with it and he was happy to let me do it and now does not even ask what is in the checking account..just says make sure we have some lose bills handy for gas for the car. Just make sure he trusts you to do what is in the best interest for both of you. I have learned not to discuss more than is necessary..don't get down in the weeds now as they can only handle so much information..the KISS rule applies..Keep is Simple..Keep us posted and let us know how we can help.
PS, MARY, After you get your business issues settled, don't mince words with the bil..don't be disagreeable in tone but be very clear that YOU are in charge and that money will NOT be loaned for purchase of any property ( or other schemes) that you are in NO position to help anyone. You will have the full backing of your trust and an attorney at your back as well.
Carolyn, if you are not on the account and you need to contact them, they may not talk to you - just like credit cards, etc. Also, if you need to move and have no utility in your own name, you may have to pay another deposit, particularly telephone, electric, gas, etc.