We took DH to the memory unit of the assisted living place about 40 miles away last Monday. I believe it is a good place and the surprising thing was that he doesn't look out of place among the small group of other residents. I can't verbalize how this feels right now but its awful and those of you who have already trudged through these days may understand. I second guess myself constantly and try to argue it all kinds of ways. He doesn't want to be there. He wants to stay at home but he is not safe here. He wants to go to the local nursing home but he is not safe there and they aren't equipped to take care of him. It is just gut wrenching literally and sad. Evidently I've operated on 'automatic pilot' for so many years unable to cry, just trying to cope with this, that the faucet has just seemed to open up every morning. I grieve for us both. Even though I thought that if I EVER cried I'd NEVER stop and would just float away..that is not the case. It does stop. I gather up my backbone and get back on the road to see him every morning. It is a 40 mile trip. I've wanted to find an apt. nearby but things are too tentative right now that I just can't do more. Just needed to let you know.
Judy when I first placed my husband I also came home and cried. That day he seemed so intact. I soon came to realize that he blended right in. Most of the residents seemed so "normal". Of course they weren't. After several escapes I realized what I thought was the perfect place wasn't. Take your time about considering a move. Peace be with you.
I keep reminding myself that I can't keep him safe here, so he has to be in a place where they can. I keep reminding myself that on his last day here, when he got past me, that he was physical with me and he could have seriously hurt me.
Consider going to see him every other day instead and just call in to talk to his nurse on the alternate days. I don't stay long when I go because I see that his anxiety levels go up when I am there. I don't go every day and at this point he has settled and I don't call in every day either.
Find a simple phrase to use when he asks to go home. I use "you have to stay here because you are sick." You could also say "...need to get better." I have a problem with that because it is a lie and I try not to use fiblets unless they are totally necessary.
In my husband's case it helps that "home" is not the house we lived in together. That is "my home" according to him, but not his.
I, also, could not put my husband in the nearest nursing home because they could not handle runners. I couldn't use the nearest day care when that was appropriate for the same reasons.
I place my husband six months ago. Yes, I cried and felt very guilty. I go to see him three or four times a week. I usually stay about two hours.He's fine until time for me to leave. Most of the time I watch for him to doze off and then I slip out very quietly. Other times, I tell him that I have to go to the bathroom (fiblet). I still miss him very much but I know it's definitely better for both of us.
I hope for peace in your soul for all of you. Try to look at your own experience the way you might if this had all happened to a friend of yours. You would probably feel great sympathy for their hardships and believe they had done a great deal for their spouse.
The word that keeps coming up is guilt. And if all this had happened to the friend of yours the last thing you would be thinking is that your friend should feel guilty.
As a male, I would be a lucky man if I had had any one of you as a spouse. Only this second is it hitting me for the first time how I would feel if I knew my wife was doing for me what I am doing for her. I would feel blessed and loved.
"In sickness and in health." I promise you have stood by those vows. Please try to give some of the caregiving you have given so much of to your spouse to the other spouse - you. It isn't quite fair that we can't see ourselves as clearly as we see others. Because we could all benefit at this time if we could give some of the care we have learned to give to ourselves now.
Wolf, everyone around me keeps saying that I fought the good fight and kept my husband home a lot longer than anyone expected me to. It doesn't help.
Intellectually I know I did the right thing. Emotionally I feel like I failed. But I'm working on it. And I am trying to take care of me now. Tomorrow I go to see the orthopedic surgeon I should have seen in January. I'm trying...
As I have said previously, I took my DW from the hospital to the Altz Memory Center. Didn't go by our house or anything and there are days that I still regret it even tho it has been six months next week. What is so strange now, is how much she says she loves me and just can't stand not to be with me. During the last year that I took care of her, she didn't even like me and often wanted to get her own apartment or move in with her sister. Now, all she wants to do is go with me where ever I'm going. She doesn't remember home so she doesn't ask me to take her home. Just take her with me.
I miss her something terrible, but, I know that I took care of her longer than I should have. If it hadn't been for her Dr and our children, I wouldn't have placed her when I did. However, in my momemts of sanity, I know I did the right thing and that she is much better cared for.
I haven't posted for some time as things have been just too crazy since the beginning of the year with one health issue after another and several hospital stays. During my husband's most recent stay the staff was urging me to place him in long term care directly from hospital. There was no way I was prepared to leave him and move him into a facility from there. Now that he is home again and his physical care has become much more difficult I'm questioning my decision. I finally gave in and applied for respite which won't happen for another couple of months and I'm already dreading the thought. I'm his security and I cannot picture him settling in somewhere. At the same time I know I cannot keep this up. Placing our loved ones has to be one of the most difficult decsions we ever have to make in our lives.
In my own case when the RN in Emergency told me he was not coming home with me it was like someone had finally given me permission to let go. So my husband did go right from the hospital to the nursing home. They arranged transport automatically because they knew that was one of the hardest things that could be done by a family. Also because they regularly transport people from that hospital to that nursing home across the street all day long and every day. That nursing home has a dementia unit, but they also do rehab of all kinds and they take care of people on dialysis and chemo too.
There were three people on the wheelchair transport that took my husband to the nursing home.
Judy I just placed my husband in a Dementia/Parkinson's facility on Friday, and although I knew for some time that it had to be done, it just breaks my heart to think of him there. He had Parkinson's and stage 7 Dementia and was unable to do anything for himself, so even having a fulltime caregiver at home was not enough. I have read all the messages on this board and all those who have gone through this ordeal seem to say eventually you do feel better, I can see where it will take a while. Mostly I am like you exhausted from all the care, decisisions and sleepless nights, so hope I can get back to thinking straight again soon.
I have not visited him yet but probably will tomorrow - the facility provided him with a full time caregiver for the the first two days, now we have to see how he gets along without one. I am thankful that the staff and nurses all seem so caring and the Physical Therapist was there to greet us to help John try and stand (his one goal). My heart goes out to you as we are probably at the same stage of grieving right now.
Oh how I feel so sorry for you dear people. I just came from the facility and I can promise you that my DW is getting better care than I was able to give her. The facility is clean, the staff is kind, so I keep asking myself what more can I ask for. When I say I am lonesome, that is correct. When I say that I want her back with me, that is not correct. I mean by that that I want her back with me, but, not like she is now and that can't be. So, here I am and there isn't one thing I can do about it.
Dean, I know what you mean by wanting them back. We want the old person we had before back, not what they are now. It has been almost a year since I placed my DH and I still cry when I see him. Today I tried to help him put his false teeth in and he slapped me. I can remember when he wouldn't be seen without his teeth and now he doesn't even care. When I told him he hurt me, he said "No I would never hurt you, I love you", and promptly spit on me. He wasn't aiming at me, I just got in the way. At least he is away from Clare Bridge and in a facility that takes good care of him, but how do you erase all the bad stuff. In his old life he would never slap me.
The past two days have been easier. Thats really not saying much though. Wlotey, its harder than I imagined and even then I imagined it would be hard. If that makes sense.
Twice now I've seen DH make an effort to help another resident and that gives me hope that he will find a way to feel useful there. He is physically healthy and one lady was trying to oooch her wheelchair into the living area and she allowed him to push her over there. One man asked me to 'untangle him' and DH helped me lift a small blanket off his arms.
I know DH believes that he doesn't belong in that secured area and he assured me that he wouldn't try to leave if we would just bring him to our local nursing home. I know that is true. He wouldn't be trying to leave when he walked out, he'd just be going out for a walk and be completely lost. He means no harm..and isn't overtly devious. He just wants to do and go as he wants. Don't we all? I'm praying for all of us and have been. Hoping that DH will begin to feel comfortable and that the staff can be helpful enough to him. I don't know yet how to think straight and my stomach is out of whack..but hoping hoping it gets better. This morning at least I want to believe it will. Thats progress. Hugs to you all
It took me a week to basically catch up on sleep. Right now I'm still hibernating. I was glad to see the neighbor who stopped in for a few minutes last night, but I can't rouse myself to make plans or go anywhere by myself. I guess I still need alone at home time.
But I do feel better about the whole thing. He is clean and being cared for by multiple people and I can't do that by myself at this point in our journey. He has medical issues I can't even begin to deal with as well.