Emily, Sthetford, New Realm. Someone gave me your thread "I've been there" because I was trying to figure out the mystery of confabulation (inventing memories.) I am totally new to all of this. My husband had radiation to the brain to prevent his cancer from spreading there, 2001. About 3 years ago, I became alarmed over an extreme case of confusion & convinced him to have a brain scan, thinking it was a tumor. The radiologist then told me that due to the radiation, his brain had aged 10 - 15 years. He is now 55. I could notice his memory loss gradually. That was 3 years ago. But this year he started inventing memories which weren't true. He also placed our house on the market last year, without discussing it with me (I'm not on the title, nor is he on the title to my house, now rental property, his decision.) We've been married 9 years.
Other than ocassional (shoot, where's spell check?) confusion, lots of memory loss, and now confabulation he has no other symptomology. I am the only one he talks to because he works from home. Meaning there is no one else who could notice all this. He blew our entire retirement savings on the stock market. When I married him, he had already come into a sizable inheritance. (Gone) I guess I'll be working for the rest of my life now, but am trying to figure out a way to save my rental property. Question: If your spouse is the only one on the title, does the wife get to stay in the house, or does Medicaid spin that down too?
I was a medical social worker for 6 years, and I saw the devestation of the spin down process. This shouldn't be happening in America.
Welcome to my website. We are here to support and help one another.
First - you need to get a definitive diagnosis pronto, so you can be on the correct path for medications. Take him for a complete evaluation at the nearest Memory Disorders Clinic in your area. Copy and paste this link to find one - http://alzheimersolutions.stores.yahoo.net/rescen.html This is by no means a complete list, but it's a place to start.
Second - Make an appointment with a Certified Elder Law Attorney. Don't be concerned about the "elder" in the title. They deal with all the issues related to inheritance, Medicaid, estates, home ownership, everything you are concerned about. Usually, the consultation is free, and then you go from there. You're going to need to get power of attorney - once you explain your situation to the lawyer, he/she will tell you exactly what you need to do and how to go about doing it.
I am pretty sure Medicaid allows the spouse to live in the house, even if they (Medicaid) are paying for the ill spouse to be in a nursing home, but you would need to check with an attorney.
Joan, Thanks. There is no way I'm going to get a diagnosis. First, my husband is in denial. 2nd, he changed his insurance last year to save $100 a month to a $5,000 deductible. So how do you get someone who is in denial to take money out of their pocket? I think he's in the very beginning stages, where no one but myself would notice. He would pass any test with flying colors. I have read that Medicaid will allow the spouse to stay in the house, but I assume both of them are on the title. Well, I guess that's way in the future.
I can't just "take" him anywhere. I have told him what I thought & he disagrees. Maybe it's better that he stays in denial, what a horrid life to expect. Sometimes I think I am being more kind by not letting him know the degree of his symptoms. I have tried to reach him, but I can't. So I have just retreated & act like all is normal. Our house sold several days ago. I will be moving for the 3rd time within a year, the last closing fell through because he didn't have it up to make it through inspection. We had already moved into an apartment to prepare for the closing. This is driving me crazy.
Val, I really feel for your situation. Please try to attend a support group in your area. Maybe you could then invite a few new "friends" over to get their impressions of your DH on whether he is showing typical symptoms of AD. The first years are so hard because the manifestations can be so different. I know I was praying that my DH was going deaf or had had a stroke, because the alternative was so awful.
Hi Val, So sorry to hear of the things you are going through. My hubby wouldn't go either to the dr when his first began. I went to the dr he had been to at a local clinic for myself and explained that I knew he was having problems. He told me that we could not do anything until he was willing to be seen. Next time he was sick with the flu, I took him in to this dr and I asked hubby in front of him if he wanted to ask about some other problems he was having. That opened the can of worms we needed to get some progress made. Of course, the dr had the heads up already, but hubby didnt know that, and was ready by then to agree for help. Good luck!
Val, you need to seek the help of an Elder Law attorney and pronto. Since the title to the home is in his name only, you as the spouse would be allowed to live there but the problem comes in with your home. The rental property will be considered countable assets if you apply for Medicaid for long term care for your husband.
Thanks all. JAB from the other Alz. message board told me Jane was a wizzard about the finances. "Our" house is supposed to close June 26th. He had promised 60 days to prepare for another move, but it will only be a couple of weeks past the inspection June 10. I will have to postpone seeing any attorney until then, but Jane & JAB have made it clear I need to do that. I can't lose my own house that I have spent years paying for. I also can't trust my husband to not sell another house out from under me. I guess in this housing market we were lucky to get 333k with an asking price of 339k. Of course, I never wanted to sell, but I guess he felt his back was against the wall, since he blew it all on the stock market. He wants to buy a less expensive house. For Richmond, VA, a house for 333k gets you a lot. I loved my home. In the historic district, walking distance to restaurants, etc. I'll now be out in the suburbs. My life as I imagined it is disappearing before my eyes.
There's no way we can retire on the difference between the sale of the house and the less expensive one. Such a shock to the system.
I know I should be talking about love, etc. But I'm in a survival mode not knowing what's coming next. I now have a relationship with a man who I hardly know anymore, have to pretend all is normal. None of this is normal, and as I've described to friends, I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone.
I feel like I've lost control of my life. Decisions are not made mutually. Since the title of "our" house is in his name only, I can continue to be jerked around. We will once again move into an apartment while looking for a house to buy. I really don't have much interest in this process, because I can't count on being there for long, since he's in control. He had mentioned fixing up a place & flipping it. Who flips in this housing market? He is counting on me for selecting paint colors, etc. I don't want to move and flip at my age. He said he doesn't understand what's so stressful about moving. What! It's one of the top things that cause stress. 4 moves in about a year? Come on.
I am very concerned about what you said Jane. Anything else you have to offer would be appreciated.
Going to see Sex & the City with friends on Sunday, need to have a little fun.
Val, this is off the subject of finance but let me ask you this, where is your home located? if it is close enough to where you both could just make it your home and not a rental home. If you were both living there at the time of placement then it would be considered the home place, therefore it would be the home that is safe, and since the title is in your name if he died after becoming Medicaid eligible it would be ok if you sold it because Medicaid would not touch it, his estate would not hold it. Medicaid allows the spouse to live in the home but in the case where the NH spouse has their name on the title either completely or jointly IF the house is sold then is the time they can claim recovery.
Your husband might be of the mind set to do that if he thought he would have all that extra money around.
Val, a lot of us come here in survival mode. If there wasn't love involved to, we wouldn't be here. We would have walked out of the situation.
And for some reason EVERY caregiver I've ever seen in this or any other online support group is full of guilt. I think we feel guilty that we aren't the person who is dying. We feel guilt that we aren't perfect. We feel guilty just because caregiving can grind you down into tiny, fine pieces and there just plain isn't much left except guilt once that happens.
And we feel guilt because in order to survive, and not just financially, we have to develop a tough skin, and while we are developing that skin we tend to sound too tough to our own ears.
But if we don't survive, who is going to take care of them?
decblu suggested using something like flu to get your husband to the doctor. Maybe you could make something up, so you don't have to wait for your husband to actually catch something. For example, tell him he has a mole on his back (or someplace else where he can't see it) and you're worried about skin cancer.
Or tell him YOU are sick, and ask him to go with you.
You mentioned that you thought he'd pass any test with flying colors ... from the symptoms you've described, I doubt it. AD patients do very well at covering up their symptoms when talking to others, etc, but the techniques that they use (such as confabulation) don't work when it comes to taking neuropsych tests. A GP will administer a Mini-Mental Status Exam (MMSE) which is quite simple and only takes a few minutes, but it still evaluates a number of different memory and cognition skills. It should give the doctor a feel for whether there is something seriously wrong.
I would suggest letting the doctor know why you want your husband to be seen, in advance, so the doctor is ready for what happens. Also, write a letter about the symptoms you've observed, and give that to the doctor well before the appointment.
Its such a shame a spouse should have the worry of impoverishment because they must care for an AD spouse. Like others say you must get to an atty and discuss your options- being in a non community state makes it harder - you probably need to protect your own property. plus if you can get him diagnosed as AD and have him sign a durable power of atty then when he gets unable to make his own decisions you will be able to step in take over the financials and decisionmaking. good luck, Divvi
Val, don't feel guilty (that's easier said than done, I know!). It took me 3 yrs to get my DH to talk with the dr., then I wound up doing it before his appointment. The dr. gave him the mini test, then immediately said that he needed to go to Vanderbilt for more testing. The ball began to roll fast after that. It just takes time. Yes, he denied. Shoot, he was denying it as late as 4 months ago. "They say I have this, whatever it is, but I don't believe them." Now really, he cannot even remember what it is that he has!
As for the housing situation, I think, if possible, I'd move into the rental unit. Mainly because "He can't take that away from me!"
Can Val get her name on the title of the new house along with her husband's? It doesn't make any difference where the money came from, after all. Maybe tell him that it would be easier to help "flip" the house if she has the same legal ownership that he does ... then she could sign for building supplies etc. without bugging him all the time. He may agree to sharing ownership without any fuss, and if he doesn't and she has to come up with some "reasons" he may not realize whether they're legitimate.
It would help if we could come up with legitimate reasons (that would sound good to HIM) for co-ownership, though...
Val, if this helps you any to know, in your State of Va Medicaid will allow you a monthly income of $1,711. If you have more income than that on your own, that is ok, if you have less than that on your own, they will allow that much to be taken from your husband's income to bring you up to that amount. In an extreme hardship they will allow as much as $2,610 but it is usually a court decision when that is involved and only if there is enough monthly income being brought in from yours and your husbands income can they even do that.
I do need to point out to you that the State of Va, does use the expanded beyond probate rule in recovery, meaning that they do attempt to recover funds that are not in probate, such as life estates and anything in the NH spouses name immmediately before their death.
I also need to point out to you that they will allow $104,400 in assets over and above the non-countable such as home and car, and personal items. So up to $104,400 of your rental house could be saved and if you sold it the whole amount could be saved by putting the extra from the sale above the $104.400 into the Medicaid qualified annunity.
Don't dispair. I just feel that if your husband does not care enough about your future to add you to the deed of the home you now share, then I would be making tracks to protect myself even if it meant leaving him. Sorry to say that but that is exactly how I feel.
Thanks again to you all. Yes Jane, I am considering that (leaving him.) However, he waited until I quit my job to tell me (his decision) that he was putting the house on the market. He told me I wouldn't have had time before when I was working to move. ??????? So now I am unemployed, and looking for work. Until I can get back on my feet independently, I can't leave. I just have to be jerked around by his irrational decisions. I don't think "that he doesn't care" I think that he can't see into the future. Although it was always an issue with me, I thought married people shared assets. I told him I thought we should be mutual owners of both our properties from the get go, he said no, my property is worth more than yours. And? I don't get it, should I divorce him, my property would be mine by virtue of having owned it prior to marriage. Why is Medicaid more entitled than he is? I think we are a LONG way off before Medicaid. So I'm not panic striken, I have time on my side. Fortunately I found this site, am seeing the similarities of what others are going through. I don't think I'll be around for the Medicaid stage. My mental health is at stake, I went on an antidepressant for the 1st time in my life this year. I was a size 6/8, and now I'm a 12. I can't fit into anything in my closet. Researched that & found out Lexapro causes weight gain. Was trying to wean myself off until the house sold this week. Sorry to sound so self absorbed. Many others are concerned about their LOs & all I do is talk about myself.
I can't get him to a dr., I have already brought that up. He's too aware to go under a guise. After reading all, I don't think I'm cut out to be a caregiver. I've already done that with his cancer, we have no children together, if he won't know who I am, what's the difference? I'm not Nancy Reagan.
What is a NH spouse? I try to get through all the lingo, and am slowly catching on.
Please all, don't abandon me, I've told no one that I've considered leaving him. He's so nice, not a cheater, not a drunk, not abusive, etc.
NH is Nursing Home; DH is dear husband; DW is dear wife; ALF is assisted living facility; There was one discussion back in April that listed all of the initials....I'll try to find it and put the name of the discussion here for you.
Val, Don't worry, we won't abandon you. I would bet that a great number of us have considered leaving for far less cause than you have. I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep going with your gut. Trust your instincts. Take care of yourself. And keep coming back here. The lovely folks in this community are keeping me sane and I cannot overstate the value of this forum. Kirsten
Oh, I thought DH was dementia husband. I guess I have to go back & reread all. Thanks. I hope I haven't been too candid. I can understand people who have been married for 44 years not feeling the way I do. I have only been married 9, the year after we were married I went through the cancer thing, found him an experiemental drug from England, etc. I have no more tears left. He's only 55.
Thanks ever so much Kirsten. I don't want to feel guilty. I am a very spiritual person. I think I want to save this Karmic debt for the next lifetime, if that is the cause. I believe in reincarnation, and the best book I have read is Journey of Souls, by Newton. He regressed people into the state in between life times and regardless of whether they were Catholic, agnostic, atheist, Jewish, Protestant, they all recounted similar experiences. We do not go "home" to be judged, only to plan our next life. Hope this is not too far out, but that's who I am. You will meet your "LO" on the other side. I gave the book to a neighbor who turns 90 in July, (I thought she was 70) & she said, you know, for the first time I am not afraid to die. I think all people dealing with death & dying should read it. Also books by Brian Weiss, One Soul, Many Bodies, Love is all there Is. I have been a believer in reincarnation since a very early age.
Val, one of the main reasons i am caregiver to my DH today after 9+yrs if because he was GENEROUS enough to provide for my retirement from the getgo of the marriage. coming from a previous marriage of 18yrs i walked away with my clothing and some cash i managed to hoard and that was it. i was almost 40 yr then. so having a new husband who wasnt selfish and wanted to make provisions for MY future was overwhelming to say the least. i cant imagine being with aperson who wouldnt share the 'home' with the spouse - thats me though. i hope you look out for what is best for YOU at this point, its not going to be easy without financial support during all the caregiving. divvi
Val, you have a tough life on your current plate. I feel for you. I read the Brian Weiss books and was impressed and have thought reincarnation a possibility. What turns me off of that is thinking of having to be a teenager time after time! I'm pretty much agnostic these days. We only know for sure we have this current life so I would be very reluctant to stay with a spouse if that spouse caused as much trouble as yours. What makes this easier for me is that my DH is still kind and loves me. He would do anything for me - if he could, which is something I appreciate. Take care - it seems as if you need to make a list of the plus and minus of your current situation and make plans from there. Good luck...
divvi, My friends thought that odd too. He had never been married before. I put so much love, time, energy, money into this house. Now it's gone. I've had one vacation in 9 years. Thanks for not judging me.
frand, You get the opportunity to grow in each lifetime. We are here on the earth school to learn lessons. That is the purpose of life. Try the Newton book Journey of Souls. It gets more to the core. I also read Destiny of Souls. It is not coincidence that agnostics & very religious people experienced the same in between lives. I have no religion. I make up my own mind based on all religions and what I read. Hey, my teenage years were great!
I don't believe that all we know for sure is this current life. I've been reading for over 30 years.
I guess I didn't realize how bad my situation was until I got feedback. You know, it sneaks up on you gradually & you build a tolerance.
You all are great, and have seen me through some bad days. Thanks again. What a bunch of great people!
Val, don't expect to be abandoned. Frankly there have been situations where several of us have told people to walk. I don't know if yours is a situation where you should be doing that or not. But it certainly is not a situation where you automatically should be staying around.
It sounds like a helish 9 years followed by the crazy stage of this disease. Take care of yourself.
Val, please don't think I was judging you, far from that. Sometimes I come across different than what I am trying to say. I am a very compassionate person. I just meant that it almost makes me angry that he is so selfish that he is not considering you. That tells me a lot about him. Since he is wanting to flip houses why in the world would he want to pay more income tax by not having you on the title. The income tax if you lived in the home for two years, the first $500,000 would be federal tax free with both names.
Ok You asked the question why is Medicaid more entitled than he is, When a person applies for Medicaid for long term care, all assets of both husband and wife are considered as one, even with a pre-nup, so they only allow certain things in order for them to make payment to the NH on your behalf. That makes them entitled to anything they do not allow. If a person does not want to go by the rules they have in place then they do not make payment for you. A Nursing Home cost up to $60,000 per year so it would not take long for assets to disappear if not protected.
You asked what is a Nursing Home spouse. It is the spouse of a person who is in a Nursing Home.
You say you are a LONG way away from needing a Nursing home, if his disease is Alzheimer it could be sooner rather than later, the disease moves in a mysterious way. gradual and unrelenting. If he does happen to have to have Nursing Home care due to the Alzheimer disease he could be in the Nursing Home up to 4 years. That is a lot of money to have to self pay.
Anyway, I am sorry, I did not realize that you were not asking about Medicaid.
No need to be sorry Jane, I need to know about Medicaid. Just the idea that they could take the house I owned before marriage, well I had no idea!
Anyone - is there any range of time (I know it varies) from the time you notice symptoms to the time they can no longer care for themselves?
I thought it very peculiar that he didn't want both of us to be on both titles, I kind of gave up on that issue. I guess selfish is a good way to describe it. I guess he didn't want to risk losing half of it if the marriage didn't work out. Right now I don't want him to be on anything I own. It's the only control I have over my life.
Thinking back 3 years ago when I was paying all utilities. He kept a wool cap on & kept turning the heat down. Since he was freezing me, even though I was paying, I put the utilities back in his name. I am now wondering if that had something to do with Alz. It didn't make sense, it wasn't costing HIM anything, but he kept complaining about the cost going up. ????
Val, there have been a couple of discussions about how long AD had been affecting our spouses before we realized there was something wrong. The more we "chatted" the more we realized there had been signs for many years, if we'd only known. (See "I have a question about public behavior" started by JustThinking in February.) It is quite possible that your husband wasn't being selfish about having your name on the title, but simply did not understand. ADLOs can develop very peculiar ideas about finances, and develop obsessions about the high cost of one thing while they're throwing money away on something else.
So that could be an explanation for what has happened to you ... but it sure doesn't solve the problems you have now. And it can't really change the way suffering through all of this has made you feel.
The entire reason for this web site is so we can speak the unspeakable, share what is going on inside ourselves with people who understand (thank you, Joan). I hope we can make things more bearable for you. I have lost most of my assets and am about to lose more, due to my husband's AD. At least, it never appeared he was being selfish or inconsiderate, so I didn't have that kind of pain, but I do know the panic of "what do I do now so I'll have SOME way to take care of myself when I get older" -- especially when I will have all the expenses associated with caring for him between now and then. And I am now unemployed and trying to look for work, and finding something is not going to be easy. It's not a good feeling, at all. You are wise to consider all options, to try to find the best for your own situation.
(It just hit me ... Jane gave you a very good "reason" to give your husband for getting your name on the title to the house ... the income tax he'll have to pay. Maybe you can convince him to do it if it means more money for him ... )
She is right to warn you not to be lulled into a false sense of security because your husband is still apparently in a fairly early stage. AD can progress very slowly at first, and then go into a very steep decline without warning. Some patients go from appearing fine to the outside world, to being unable to care for themselves, within a few months. And the caregiver can spend all of those few months in a total panic trying to adjust to the rapidly changing situation, leaving no time to plan for the future.
Of course, other patients progress very slowly for years. I've seen books that say an AD patient may have five, or even ten good years after diagnosis. Those are the exception, though. I think the average lifespan is something like 4-5 years after diagnosis.
My husband was diagnosed with moderate AD three years ago. It took me almost three years to get him to see a doctor about the strange behaviors I had noticed, so that would be about six years of exhibiting symptoms. He's still doing pretty well, and appears normal to people who interact with him for only a few minutes. He does not realize that he has problems, but he accepts the fact that he has AD because he trusts me. And so he has been willing to take medicines (namenda, plus an IND in a clinical trial), which have clearly been helping him.
I don't know how much more quickly the AD would have progressed without the meds. And there is no way to predict how well my husband will be doing when he wakes up today.
At this point I don't know what purpose it would serve to be on the title to the house, except that it would bar him from selling another one out from under me. I've been told that in VA that if you divorce someone, and they owned the house prior to marriage, that you are only entitled to a percentage of the appreciation of the house for the number of years you were married. Since we wil be "down sizing" our 2 houses will be of similar value. To me, if I am considering divorce, this now just keeps it clean & now assets to divide. As I see it now, the only thing we have together is our last name. He's blown all the retirement money on the stock market, nothing to recover there. He always told me, "all you'll ever need is some change in your pocket." Ha! I had planned on paying down my property, still owe about 28k, then using the money from the rent, $1,000 per month + social secutity when that time came, for my personal money. He doesn't have a job with benefits, so there's not even a health care plan I can get on with him. Right now I'm on Cobra.
This is the first year he has worked a real job. Before he was a "stock trader." Well, you can't trade stocks when the well is dry. I had no idea about our finances except that he assured me all was o.k. until the bomb hit last summer when he announced, no discussion, that he was putting the house on the market. I may be repeating myself here.
O.k., so I felt blissfully unaware, and that I had lots of time to figure out what to do, but now it seems he could go into a tail spin. Did anyone else who couldn't get your spouse to see a dr. ever doubt that you were right? AD is the only thing that seems to make sense, I know something is wrong, but sometimes I second guess myself & think maybe I am overreacting. That's why I keep the journal, to remind myself of all the stuff.
Val, most people over 50 have annual check ups. If he hasn't, he needs to anyway. If he already has a physician, you can e-mail him or write him a letter in advance of the personality changes, the forgetfulness, the odd behavior, and request that HE initiate the basic testing (which he will do in his office). It took me two years to get the MRI and appointment with the neurologist, who ordered the PET scan which confirmed the Alzheimer's. The doctor didn't believe me the first time and my DH passed his first test.
Here's an example: After his inheritence, we got married. (Not the reason why, just the timing.) He had been a contractor before, but with these new found funds he became a stock trader. That was in 1998. When the funds disappeared, guess he know longer knew what he was doing, he became a home inspector last year. Then he put the house on the market. The house sold within a week. But the deal fell through on the day prior to the closing due to the inspection report. AND HE WAS A HOME INSPECTOR! I had trusted him to have everything in order, because he would know what an inspector would be looking for. There was a list of 18 things, 5 of them hazardous. I was so angry, because we had already quickly moved into an apartment to accomodate the buyer. He had allowed the buyer to wait until the last minute to have the inspection, even though the contract said it would have to be done within 5 days of the signing of the contract. I spent 2 nights in a hotel, I was so upset. I had to find us a place to live, pack, put 2/3 of our stuff in storage, etc. All for nothing. At that point I thought maybe he's just not that smart, or too lazy. This time I have reviewed the inspection list of the last move fiasco with him. He's had plumbers over, roofers, etc. I am not moving this time until I see the inspection report, and know the seller & buyer agree on all.
So, having moved from a 2,000+ sq.ft. home into a 2 bedroom apartment, being around him all the time, I was able to see how poorly he handled things. I can't help it, I'm still upset. He has eaten up a year of my life.
Sorry Mary, didn't see your comment. Our primary care physicians are in the same practice. I'm going for my annual soon. Maybe I could write a letter to his & leave it for her when I go. Don't you think it's odd that someone who has had cancer doesn't even go for an annual? I can't force the man to do something. Everyone kept telling me to try to stop him from selling the house. I couldn't reason with him, his mind was made up. Maybe his dr. could call him and "remind" him of the importance of a yearly check up with his background of cancer. He has been told he was cured (I heard this, so he didn't make it up.) So he doesn't seem to want to go.
Val, didn't you say that your husband sold the house that was in his name and is buying a new one? I was talking about getting your name on the title of the new house. I don't think that would be considered a house that he had owned before you got married, because he's buying it now after nine years of marriage, and it's hard to tell where the money is actually coming from after all that time, since you worked and had rental income, etc. You would need your name on the house if you decide to stay. And I would think that, even if you do decide to divorce him, you should have something to show for (a) nine years of marriage, (b) nursing him through the cancer, (c) working all that time, and (d quitting your job at his urging, which now leaves you without any way to pay your own living expenses.
If I were you, I would discuss this with a divorce attorney, asap. (A GOOD divorce attorney. Look for someone certified in family law.)
Thanks Sunshyne. According to VA law, even if the spouse buys the house AFTER the marriage, and he can prove he put all the money into the new one, you're out of luck. Both would have to put about equal amounts into the new one. I was excited by that prospect until I found that out. I explained to him all the money I had put into improvements in the house, created a garden, etc. So I asked for 15k upon the sale of the house. At first he was totally reluctant to consider it, afraid I would "bolt" with the money (like where am I going w/ 15K?) but in the end we settled on 12k, which I am to get upon the sale of the house, "just to shut me up, and make me happy we are moving." It is a pittance, I agree, but better than nothing. I had him sign a document & sent a copy to my son. Thank you for recognizing all that I have given.
I am just going to ride out this next move, June 23rd, if all goes well with the closing. I pray I am not going to have to move again for nothing. I am bracing myself for yet another move, 3rd in less than a year. The 12k will give me time not to look for a job out of desperation. My Cobra ends in September, and I will have to pay for health insurance myself if I don't have a job by then. When did life get so complicated?
Visited my son (ALONE!) in NY City for Mother's Day weekend. I had forgotten what fun was like. We walked over 6 miles the 1st day, went to a great tapas restaurant, he introduced me to the TV series Lost. Kept stopping in little restaurants for neat treats. I had a ball. Imagined what it would be like to be married to someone like my son who I can have a normal conversation with and do things.
Just read with great interest "I have a question about public behavior." That was great! I feel like I've been thrown a life line. This group is the best thing that has happened to me in a LONG time. Now I have my journal and this group. I've learned so much in the short time I've been here.
Could you tell me what MCI is?
All I know is, Medicaid is not getting my house. Thanks to Jane, I am forewarned.
Val, unless you love this man with your whole heart and willing to take ALL the sacrifices that are upcoming, my advice being blunt is to go your separate ways. after hearing your story of no imcome/no permanent home or guarantee of one/no insurances/ no retirement or savings/PLUS a possible AD diangosis/cancer I would seriously think about your future. i know sometimes we stick our heads in the sand looking at our own lives, but hearing the dire facts from outsiders looking in can make dramatic impact and give us a wakeup call. i hope you dont wait to see an atty before things get too far along and out of control..wishing you all the best! divvi
I think the man I loved with all my heart is gone. & I am not willing to make all the sacrifices that are upcoming. How can I do that & take care of myself? I appreciate your candor, divvi. I can't get him to admit that there's anything wrong. Sometimes he will say, I know my memory is bad. Other times he will say there is nothing wrong with his memory.
Everyone seems to think I should see an attorney regardless. After I've moved, I will get a consultation. It makes me sad to do this, but I don't see what choice I have. I never would have dreamed it would come to this. I don't relish the idea of starting over at age 58, but then what is the alternative? I would never be able to talk him into buying long term health care, and I don't want to end up in financial ruin. (Well any worse financial ruin than it already is.) I wish I had been more attentive to all this way back, maybe I could have stopped him from losing all the money on the stock market. But what's done is done, and I don't think he would have listened to me then. I can't have a real conversation with him about everything, he becomes so agitated. So I just act like all is normal. He doesn't realize how distant we have become, because I just try to act happy.
He's talking about the new garden I'll have. I don't care about a garden anymore. I've already landscaped and made a garden at my expense. Found out last month he had deleted my photo albums from my computer. Photos of my garden, swimming with the dolphins in FL. He claimed I had asked him to delete them. What????? I would never have wanted my photos deleted. I never asked him to do that. I went ballistic. What's he doing messing around in my computer? It came out of left field, no rhyme or reason to it. I know he didn't do it to be mean, he must have really believed I asked him to do this. It's always something.
Mild cognitive impairment (MCI) is a transition stage between the cognitive changes of normal aging and the more serious problems caused by Alzheimer's disease. While mild cognitive impairment can affect many areas of cognition — such as language, attention, reasoning, judgment, reading and writing — most research has focused on its effects on memory.
The disorder can be divided into two broad subtypes. Amnestic MCI significantly affects memory, while nonamnestic MCI does not. Other functions, such as language and attention span, may be impaired in either subtype.
Amnestic MCI has been linked to Alzheimer's disease, while nonamnestic MCI may progress to other types of syndromes — such as frontotemporal dementia, primary progressive aphasia or dementia with Lewy bodies. But some people with MCI don't go on to develop any type of dementia. Some remain stable, while others even revert to normal.
Preliminary reports from a recent Mayo Clinic study suggest that about 12 percent of those over the age of 70 have mild cognitive impairment. People with MCI are three to four times more likely to develop Alzheimer's than those without such impairment.
On another subject ... if you do decide to get a divorce, consider moving to California and suing for divorce as a CA resident after you've lived here for six months. I think that the CA rules on community property would hold, and the new house would be half yours. But I don't think your rental property would, since you'd bought that before the marriage and kept it in your name. Something to check into if moving would be feasible. (There might be other states with community property laws like CA, don't know. I'd think a local attorney might be able to tell you, but you could also consult, probably for free by phone, with a CA lawyer. I know a couple of really good ones.)
It just ocurred to me. Maybe this is the ideal time to see an attorney while whatever money he has left is not tied up in a house. Maybe I could get more than 12k, I don't know. But it has me thinking. Jane?
its never easy to hear the 'divorce' words with/or without an AD spouse, but looking back in hindsight i bet there is more than one of us here who wished we could have looked into the crystal ball- and see realistically what we were getting into when we took on the caregiving roles -even with spouses who have been caring and generous. its the most stressful, tiring, and time consuming time of my entire life. but i felt an obligation and love that superceded any reasoning. even today years later, it limits my decision with regards to placing him in a facility. time will tell. Val, many of us here have made some super tuff decisionmaking and its never easy.
I just research community property states. Same thing applies. The property is considered separate if acquired prior to marriage. Also, it is considered separate if purchaced with money from the sale of a previously separate property. I'm not getting squat. Live & learn. You go into a marriage not ever thinking of these things. There are 9 community property states, CA has the most liberal 50/50. But still this exclusion.
val i live in tx community state and thats exactly what i said in another post. huband owns his separate house prior to marriage and its HIS and even if we sell the new house is STILL his as the separate money 'follows' ..only if you can convince him to put the funds from the sale in a JOINT account i think then it cant be separate anymore esp if you start writing checks for paying some of your stuff...i do know if the separate monies are COMINGLED with your funds then its not separate anymore in a community state.::))maybe try to get those funds put into your joint account?? maybe jane has more on this...divvi
Val, definitely talk to an attorney (several attorneys) asap. Do NOT wait.
And if it were me, I'd be asking experts in community property states rather than just what I could hunt down quickly on the web. There are all SORTS of in's and out's that you'll never find surfing -- like commingling (that was quite interesting, divvi). Like I said, if you'd consider moving to CA, I know a couple of GOOD attorneys, certified in family law.
Sunshyne, are you saying from the symptoms I've stated, I could be dealing with MCI, and that he possibly won't deteriorate? I know that's not what you were trying to say, I just want to know if MCI is a possibility. With all these wacko things going on, I'm not sure it's mild, but I guess I need to go back to the internet. I don't think there's confabulation with mild anything, but hey, what do I know? I'm just beginning to see how much I don't know. Well, if this is mild, then I still don't think I can cope.
Divvi, yes. I was thinking, maybe an attorney could at least get the money I lost from not working for a year. That would pay off my rental property & I could move into it and at least only be responsible for utilities, etc. In other words I could have the peace, albeit lonliness, that I have missed these past 3 years. I know you can't answer this, but this is the 1st time I've thought in those terms. Seems since he promised a secure future and has not fulfilled that, that at least I could recoup enough to stand on my own. Thinking out loud.
We don't have a joint account. We don't have joint anything. Had we had a joint account, I could have seen the money being depleted. He used to put stop losses on all his trades, I don't know how he could have lost everything. He hasn't had a job since we've been married until last year, when he started the home inspection business (which took a nose dive, lack of housing sales.) The house was paid for. Now he's taken out home equity loans, but for how much, I don't know.
It's all rather scary & unexpected. I don't think I fully understood the severity of his condition until his last imagined discussion. That's when I called the Alzheimer's hot line. He said he had told me, had presented his case over & over, that we should both sell our houses & buy one together. I had to leave the house I was so upset. He has NEVER mentioned that, much less over & over, quite to the contrary, he has insisted on each of us owning our own properties.
I hate going into so much detail, but I have a lot to finally get out & so much to figure out.
o.k. I did a little research, and w/ MCI there are no personality changes, but in AD there are personality changes. So I'm back to AD. Great personality changes in my husband.