I need opinions on what you would do or how you would react to this situation. At my husband's ALF there is a new male resident. I would say he is probably a stage 4-5. He was placed about a month ago, for his own safety...he is a runner. The director ask me if it would be okay if his wife phoned me before he was placed....she wasn't sure & was having a real hard time deciding what to do. As I told her it was her decision, however, I would be worried he would leave & harm would come to him. As I said, she did decide to place him. She went on vacation for a week, he was doing great....since I am there every day, I witnessed his behavior. Only problem now is, she keeps taking him home, sometimes for the night. She will then bring him back....he is really confused, acting out, being destructive, won't eat, walk the halls constantly looking for her, a totally different person than in the past. I really feel bad for him. In my opinion, it might make her feel better, however, it is hurting him. I really feel bad for him. Now here's my question, do you think I should try to talk to her & express what I have witnessed? I think he might be okay to take out to eat or to the park, but going home is not helping him what so ever. Opinions please.
What about the staff? They certainly should be aware of the confusion and problems being moved back and forth is causing him. I would think they would talk to her. I'm not sure if you should say anything to her - I'll let others weigh in on that one.
I would let the staff handle it. The wife sounds conflicted about placing him and probably won't take well to you speaking with her-however good your intentions
The staff have tried to speak to her being diplomatic, however, she just doesn't get it. You are probably right though, I should just keep silent...even though it just breaks my heart to see him searching. I was there yesterday from 10:00-3:30, I never saw him sit down.
I agree, let the staff address the issue. You did your part by giving her your input. I would be wary of even speaking to the staff. That is what they are supposed to be watching out for..surely they can see how he is reacting. And perhaps they have spoken to this man's wife and she is still going to go along in her way.
This is the very reason I never brought Charlie home for a visit. I was afraid it would confuse him. I imagine the wife is not open to your advice right now, but if she would ask, I would tell her.
I am going to disagree. I would call her. If I were in her shoes, I would want you to call me.
You have experience to share. #1 You saw him the good week vs. now - she did not. #2 You have your own experience to draw on, #3 You have the vast amount of knowledge and experience you have gained from this website.
What harm could it do? As long as you are humble and let her know it may not make any difference, but maybe she might want to try not taking him home and see if it helps. She can the choose to take your advice or not.
Maybe you could refer her to this website, too....
I've got no opinion except SHE asked if she could talk to YOU in the first place. So she might be able to deal with your telling her stuff she didn't originally ask about.
My husband is new to the nursing home too. I'm not taking him out of the nursing home at all. At this point I'm not even taking him down to the fenced back yard since he is currently on the third floor. I don't want him to know that I have the ability to do this (although since I don't have the special code for taking patients into the elevator I don't actually have the ability to do it). He is settling in very nicely.
My dh is in his 2nd week at an ALF. I have taken him on two drives. I think it was too early and a mistake. Now he wants to leave all the time. Staff says he is like thiis only when I am there, and when I am gone he is content.
I, too, would like someone to have told me...it's too soon. I knew not to bring him home, at least.
So...I am cutting my visits to shorter times..only an hour or two a day..and I am telling him the car is running bad, or I only have enough gas for work. He'll buy anything. It's not hard to sell him something. But we won't be taking a drive for a long time.
Other than that..he is adjusting. I like the suggestion of just mentioning it to her, and she can do as she wishes with the information. Like all of us, she is probably just struggling to find her way thru hell.
I still think I would leave it up to the staff..but if you should find yourselves crossing paths you could just ask how things are going and if she says fine..then either she thinks it is or does not wish to talk about it.
Oh, crap. It's a VERY hard thing for me to think about. When John was at the NH, he'd talk about coming home (earlier on). I noticed that ALL of the residents talked about going home. Its the saddest thing I can think of. Yes, I WOULD talk to her. She is torn and isn't coping well, herself. Thinks she is doing something kind for her husband.....but, it isn't. Not now. Not anymore. She should be made aware of things from your perspective......and, I agree that it would be good if she were made aware of this website.
My DH hunts for me all over the ward. Therefore everyone knows me. In three weeks the only time I have taken him out was for a previously arranged opthamolgist [eye doctor] appointment. Drove him by our previous home, but he did not know which one on the street was ours.
He is adjusting rather well. He does not understand this is permanent, thinks he will return to our apartment sometime. I simply answer "not now".