My husband was recently diagnosed with AZ; however, I've seen this coming for at least 3 years. His short term memory is pretty bad, he'll forget what he just asked me within 5 minutes. However, he still thinks he can and should do many of the things he has always done. For instance, we have a irrigation system that we must program. He has always taken care of this and I never bothered with it at all until recently. We had to have the system re-programmed and I wanted to be shown how to do it (for obvious reasons). So, now he's pi$$ed. I tried to explain that he wouldn't remember what was shown him long enough to show me OR do it himself; but, he's still pouty and mad and accuses me of power tripping and "stepping on his toes." I'm really not sure how to handle this hostility.
This is probably very typical at this stage. My husband was the same way, but now I just tell him we both need to know in case he is sick in bed with something. In a few months or years this too will pass and within hours or less he won't remember what he was mad about. If you are new here welcome and you have come to the right place to vent or get most any information on any subject of AZ that you will need. This is the best place ever.
I would show him how to program, but make sure you remember. Apologize (he will likely forget) for not including him but you were so anxious to know how to do it too, that you forgot to include him - or something like that. Our tendency is to just do it, but we also have to let them try things they can't destroy while trying. If he has trouble remembering or forgets, which he probably will, you have to learn to take it 'with a grain of salt'. We do a lot of that with this disease. My hb will repeat something numerous times - usually within a minute or two of just telling me. Believe me, the 5 minutes will get shorter.
He may be one of those who never admit or are aware that they have a problem. I am fortunate in that my hb is very aware, but that may change as the disease progresses. We live in a motorhome full-time. There are many chores that were his -namely the outside stuff. I have to double check on everything he does when we get ready to move cause if I don't you can be sure there is something that didn't get done right. I could go and do it the first time but he needs to still try to do what he can.
I think when they are not aware or refuse to acknowledge the memory loss is the ones that get so angry at us. Others, does that sound right?
if it were me knowing what i know now 10yrs later, i would show him to to program for arguments sake then go back later and make sure its done right. many of us have replaced broken things around the house and not cheap ones either. anger can come from any of the many varieties of disease, but yes we know ftd has more anger issues than normal. but my DH has vascular dementia/possible AD combo and at first he could be quite mean and argumentative for just about anything. and mine never knew he has the disease or acknowledged any memory issues since the beginning. its important from the first that you get a handle of all things that pertain to business and personal. dont trust that its being done properly and get acquainted with all accounts and money matters. you have to take charge behind the lines and get ready to clear up any messes he may happen to stir up along the way. dont leave things to chance, be vigilant or like some you may pay a high price while allowing him to be productive and active in your affairs. divvi
For heavens sake write down how to work the system....I'm in the middle of that just now, and it is a nightmare. My son, a mechanical engineer, is having a hard time figuring out how the damned thing works as nothing was ever written down..our poor lawn and shrubs are shuddering.
Charlotte, you are correct in saying that you are fortunate that your HB is aware he has a problem. As for my DH "there isn't anything wrong with me!" So now it's the elephant in the room with us.
Wow! One day he's Mr. Wonderful and the next Mr. Hyde. Today he was the later. You don't love me, I don't know where this relationship is going - yada-yead-yada. I explained to him about his disease (which he wants to know nothing about), but I know his realization will last only so long. Some days I just want to pack up and leave.
There is no sin in packing up and leaving. I did (before I knew our problems were rooted in dementia) but we reconciled only to get the diagnosis soon after. Do I wish I had not come back? Honestly, yes. I believe I would still be intricately involved in his care but I would not be his wife. But, here I am and will stay. I would suggest not trying to explain to him about the disease and try not to tell him "you won't remember" -- that is a slap to them.
Sounds to me like he is similar to my DH -- has never thought there was a thing wrong with him -- still doesn't. Likely the disease is what keeps him from comprehending what the doctors have told him. Google "anosognosia" and you will understand better. Take the advice of the others, get a handle on everything of any importance, especially financial. Get your legal documents, wills, poa's, etc., all in order. You will find yourself going behind his back to correct his mistakes and/or "do it right". You will learn to tell "fiblets". All of this is in order to survive.
I wish you nothing but peace in the time ahead. Come here often for support. The people are wonderful and so knowledgeable.
Yep. Mine, every so often, will say..."so, what's up with this Alzheimer's thing?" He knows he has received a diagnosis, and he knows he was in a clinical trial, but--as far as he is concerned now--that's all history, and just doctors diagnosing because they like to diagnose, and that it has no actual relevance to his present reality and capabilities. So, what he means is: "We can forget all about that Alzheimer's thing, right? Because it never panned out into anything serious anyway."
He has absolutely no perspective or comprehension to grasp that the reason he sits around in chairs much of the day, can't put his clothes on correctly, and people open car doors for him, is because of the progression of "that Alzheimer's thing."
My DH has no idea he has AD. He has never ask any questions. On a doctor's visit we can discuss his condition and he will sit there smiling. When we leave he will say I like DR. P... he is a good doctor. If he realizes he is having a problem, he'll say "you know, I am 87 years old"
Bama, you need to remember too that in our generations having memory problems was considered normal for aging and that might be why he comes up with that. I know when I say anything to my sister who is 71 about hb's memory problems or symptoms that are happening her remark is similar: he is getting older and the body falls apart. That is why I am fighting saying anything to her even though having someone to talk to would be nice, but she is not the one.
Of course, we now know that memory loss is not a normal part of aging, yes slowing down and forgetting some things, but not like AD victims do.
My DH was a man that could build and fix anything, now it is a disaster. He thinks the vacuum cleaner is broken everyday...it one of those you have to lower the handle to make the brush spin....he takes it apart to "fix" it regularly. Everytime he takes it apart there are a few left over parts when it goes back together. It is so hard to deal with the repeatative stuff.
I was very lucky about my DH stopping his driving. I asked him if he wanted to be responsible for maybe killing a child because he turned the wrong corner or did he want to be sued and loose everything we have just so he could keep driving. And I told him I would not get in the car to go any place with him because it confirmed that I thought it was OK for him to drive and I didn't think it was OK for him to drive...two days later he handed me his keys.
Whether a spouse is aware or not aware of what is happening is a doubled edged sword. I agree that it is definitely the elephant in the room if the spouse is not aware ... or is aware but refuses to deal with what that awareness. Been there/done that. And this denial is particuarly dangerous if the AD spouse refuses to give up driving once unable to drive safely. Also been there/done that. However, I would also argue that it is even more sad when the AD spouse is aware of what is happening, as is true in my case. As my wife enters each new decline/plateau stage and recognizes how each decline results in her inability to do more of what she had previously been able to do ... e.g., with her latest decline her short term memory is now not just poor, but is now completely shot ... it is extremely painful for me to watch her awareness of each new decline. Were she not aware of what is happening, I think she would be happier ... and I would be less upset at watching her come to grips with what she can no longer do.
hmm only a few short months ago my LO loved to play the piano,now thats all gone,she looks at it but won't attempt to play,the home she's at does nothing to stimulate the folks there so they just wander around lost in their own little world,being a retired school marm she thinks all the folks there are her "kids",I can only imagine what she tries to teach her "class"
Judith KB, I used the same argument with my dh when I told him I didn't want him to drive anymore, that we could be sued for everything we have if he got in an accident. He agreed to stop except for emergencies, ie, if in case I were not able to drive suddenly, which I agreed to. But, I found for some time after that that he would sneak the headlight switch to either on, or to the parking lights. It was his attempt to discredit me and MY driving skills. He finally stopped that. I didn't confront him, after I figured out it wasn't me doing that and was him, but merely turned the lights back off, and began to check that switch each time I left the car. If those actions weren't enough to convince me that he's got mental problems--wow.
Ahhhh, the ole driving issue rears it's ugly head. I so agree that it's so sad when they know they are declining. Funnily, they don't always know it. My DH will say to me, often, there is something wrong with me, what's wrong with me, and I'll tell him, but then it's gone. It seems that awareness just doesn't last all that long, which is actually a blessing.