For those of you who are worried about me - I didn't overwork myself today (Sunday) by writing and posting my Monday blog early. Honest, I didn't. I had a very nice, leisurely day with a visit from an old friend, but while waiting for her to arrive, the blog just came to me, so I wrote it.
I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com, read the blog, and post comments here.
Thank you so much Joan for this blog. Tears were streaming down my face as I finished it. I want to add more to this thread later as I have more time to think about it. But want thank you so much for starting the topic and getting me thinking about how I have grown and the changes for the better I've made.
I know I am a better person now. For one I am so much more patient. It's been difficult and I'm amazed at the patience I've gained. And as you said it does translate to relationships with others.
Will add more to the list later. Look forward to hearing from the others.
One of the more important things that being an ALZ spouse has taught me is to weigh my words before I speak! I have always been one to just say the first thing that came into my head which got me in a lot of hot water at times :-) But if I want to avoid having to spend an hour explaining myself I now have to think "will what I am about to say make sense to DH?" We always joked around but he has no sense of humor now. I can't even tell him about people we know because he doesn't always remember who I'm talking about. I am more patient with him (although sometimes I do get snarly) and I've learned to slow down. There is NO WAY you can make a person with ALZ move any faster than they want to!
it has taught me that its ok and sometimes needed to deviate from life's so-called 'normalcies.' its ok to cry over your spouse not remembering special days and anniversaries and not hold it against them, its ok to allow an adult to play with toddlers toys and not feel you are demeaning them because they enjoy it, its ok to hold a grudge against friends who have abandoned us in our neediest times, its ok to wish death upon our spouse rather than end stage and not feel guilty over those prohibited thoughts, its ok to be selfish at times to allow ourselves our own space and time away from our spouse, its ok to feel we may find love and happiness in another future life and not feel we are being unfaithful, its ok to plan for a financial future that ensures our own well being in the after, its ok to know that others feel the same way and we arent alone in this journey and others here do understand the lonliness and fear at being the one left behind to make all the life encompassing decisions. and lastly its good to know that we have done all we can to ensure our spouses are cared for whether in a faciliity or at home til the end and that the all we gave was our best and we can be proud of that.
I have really learned to pick my battles. If it won't matter tomorrow I let the person arguing the issue think she/he is in the right. I am learning not to sweat the small stuff. Most of us have already lost our hopes and future with our loved ones. Now that's the big one. After getting angry at the flowers for blooming when I want the whole world to be gray I am ready to appreciate the sun that still shines. I treasure the friends who stood by me and the new ones I have met here. Now if I could just teach MsGracie not to bunch the bathmat outside my shower door and trapping me inside I would be very happy.
I have learned that I am a lot more capable and stronger than I ever thought possible. Due to his having the disease, I have had to deal with all kinds of things from financial to medical that were way outside of my knowledge, experience and comfort zone.
I have become more sympathetic and emphathetic (that a word) that I ever was before.
I can now walk into a hospital and handle it - never did well before. I have even been successful in my dealings with medical personnell.
We are the sum of our life's experiences and while I would not wish this journey oh anyone, I have truly grown from the adversity I have run into.
I have come up against my own "brick walls" and others and learned to scale them, tear them down or go around them as needed. Many of those brick walls were ones I did not even know I had.
I have learned to treasure the experiences I have had in my short lifetime - those memories have done a lot to help me through adversity.
Like bluedaze and bama - I have learned about picking my battles and letting the small stuff go - those were some difficult lessons.
I have been my own best friend and sometimes my own worst enemy - I have learned to grow beyond that.
One of the best things I have learned and better understand that life is full of lots of clouds and many of them have silver linings - you just need to look for them. This site and group of people are often the ones to point out the silver lining I missed and for that I am very grateful.
I guess what this disease has taught me most is that I am a whole lot more capable than I gave myself credit for. I used to think that because DH was the one out in the world, and I was the stay-at-home person, that I couldn't survive without him. After his diagnosis, I started to realize how much I had been doing for years, including helping DH with his job for the last few years that he worked. Neither one of us had given me credit for all the things I had done.
On the negative side, a very painful lesson has been that people that I loved, and that I thought loved me, headed in the other direction like their pants were on fire. That was a lesson that I would have preferred not to learn, though Alzheimer's disease or anything else.
Last, but not least, I've learned that I think DH is darned lucky to have me for a wife and for a caregiver. That's not a bad thing to finally get through my head.
Great blog and wonderful posts here, it's all been said above by divvi, bluedaze, therrja and others. I, too, am emerging stronger. And although I never would have chosen this life, I do find find satisfaction in living this life well and meeting each new challenge.
When I worked at a summer camp for the handicapped, during one of the sessions we had a little girlwith autism heck in. By the next morning it was obvious that her ability to be a participant was nil. I was asked to sit by her and essentially keep track of her until her parents could get there to pick her up. To that pointin my liefe, that was the most frustrating thing I ever had to do. She was in her own world...and nothing I said or did established any connection. Words said to her might become incorported in her sing-song chanting but no meaning attached. A very frustrating experience for a college student majoring in English with a Librarianship minor.
What I have discovered though, is that all the really important things I learned really have little to do with my education--formal education. The most valuable things I learned--the ones that have brought me through this Dementia Adventure with DH--are the ones I learned in my earliest years. At any and every given point I faced the challenge of a task and how I was going to do it because I could not do things the way "everyone else" did. I think outside the box. And patience--waiting for transportaion to go to and from school, Dr.appointments; and waiting through a day while braces are made, with a few fittings to break the monotony. The third most valuable thing I learned was to evaluate what matters and what matters little. Learning these things filled much of my first 26 years. The next 14 were when I learned to be part of a team. Not a team where each partner has his set of things to do and together it all works out. The kind of team where each partner works on part of the project and helps the other with their parts too. A kind of symbiosis. And then came a Mental Breakdown followed by Dx 18 years later, bringing me through until now--22 years later.
And you know what? I am smart. I am strong. I am patient. I am resourceful. and, I am a survivor. My College degrees have value, but they didn't get me here. They're proof of what I'd already learned to do. What this Dementia Adventure has taught me is all the things I am--positive things. I just need now to focus on them more instead of the things I am not.
Yes, Jerry, I can relate. Although Sid has AD, is slow and confused, I didn't realize how much he helped around the house until he broke his foot. Now I do it ALL, so I have also learned that in spite of his AD, in whatever way he helped me, lifted some of my burden.
Little things like making the bed, emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash - every little bit helped.