I feel like I'm loosing my mind! We've been in our new condo for less than a month, and we have major problems...a slab leak. I've had plumbers and leak detectors in my home for 3 days. I have tape all over the floors, holes cut in the walls, well you get the picture. And then to top it all off, I can't find any of my "stuff". Before I went to work Friday morning, I got all my dirty laundry together and put the hamper in the laundry room. When I got home, the hamper was empty. Asked DH where all my clothes were. "I washed them for you" he said. Well, I can't find them. I did find 3 pairs of slacks neatly folded on the top shelf of my closet (I can't reach the top shelf), and when I got them down, they hadn't been washed. I can't find any of my blouses and tee shirts. I have searched high and low....nowhere to be found. I also can't find any of my cookie sheets (I've used them since the move), I found my good chef's knife in the bag of Oreo cookies, on and on. I'm sure many of you can relate to this, but right now I want to get in my car, drive away, and never look back. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs!!!! I hate this frickin' disease!!! I feel so bad for my DH, but I feel worse for me. Am I being selfish? I can't help the way I feel, but on the other hand it makes me feel like a sh** heel for feeling this way. Well, thanks for letting me vent. It didn't make me feel any better, but oh well. If you're so inclined, a prayer would be appreciated. Thanks
Diane you have surely had a rotten few days. anything that goes wrong seems overwhelming when we have so much on our plates already. ugh. slab leaks already doesnt sound good. hopefullly they can get that fixed soon. maybe the clothes will show up soon. dont despair, by tomorrow maybe you will feel better. in the meantime, know your friends here understand your fustrations. divvi
If it's only been a month or so, you may have recourse with the Seller on the Slab problem. PLEASE check on that with an independent authority. It may be worth some $$$ to you.
Diane I am lifting you up in prayer. That's a lot of stress all at once! I can't imagine anyone going through that and NOT screaming. You are not being selfish - you are being overwhelmed. There is only so much one person can handle. Since your husband wants to be helpful with your laundry it may be time to set up a curtain or other remedy where you can keep your laundry out of his sight. Bless his heart for wanting to help! I sure hope your things turn up - has the trash gone out? Once the source of the water leak is found - and it will be, maybe you could find someone to come in for the day with your DH and you take a break and treat yourself to a walk in the park...a manicure... a massage. You definitely need some "me" time.
Diane I am so sorry. I know how you feel. Many was the time I got home from work and had to go on a scavenger hunt for stuff to prepare dinner with. You do have a lot on your plate. I know your husband is fairly young-any chance of daycare?
Diane--We went through the period of my husband "helping" me and breaking things, misplacing things, on a daily basis. I know how frustrating it is. That was one reason I did start him in daycare early on because I didn't want to be trapped in the house watching him every minute. These behaviors will eventually stop, but you may go crazy before that point! If daycare won't work, perhaps you can bring someone in to keep an eye on what he is doing.
Faye, oh goodness, your post reminds me of my husband.....Be careful, I had a side by side refrigerator that my husband would get into and leave the doors standing open, too. I can't tell you how much food I had to trash because of that. I also put a bicycle chain thru the handles and thought I had outmaneuvered him....well, he just pulled the handles off the refrigerator when he couldn't get the doors open.....I couldn't believe it.
Just when I thought I had heard EVERYTHING, the two of you write about chaining up refrigerators, tv's and ac's. I cannot believe it... but again, why wouldn't I?
Fayebay, I've been thinking of chaining the fridge, unplugging the microwave, and turning the propane off under the stove. I'm putting the coffee maker and electric hot water kettle in the basement this a.m. During the day I don't "usually" have a problem because I'm aware then. At night he sneaks quietly around. I've watched him walking at night when he doesn't know I can see him, and it's a stealthy walk. SO, he's not so "gone" he can't CHOOSE to be sneaky. (Maybe he just doesn't want to disturb my sleep HA) Gets a Pepsi, pours it in a bowl or pan, gets a funnel and pours it in a glass, lets it sit for awhile, then pours it down the drain. Would drink 3 cans of the ensure-type stuff in a couple hours. Sleeps in clothes except for shoes, w/pen in shirt pocket, glasses on. (I take the glasses off.) He's continent, limited hygiene activities. IF if just slept through the night. Docs given us varied sleep aids over the years, but nothing seems to keep him down.
Well, folks, if it's any comfort -- this stage will pass. My Dh no longer raids the fridge, fusses with any controls or tries to do laundry. He no longer responds to junk mail, answers the phone or tries to fix things. He just looks at them helplessly. He has forgotten how to look for goodies in the kitchen cabinets and will only eat what is out on the table or counter. I keep his bike chained so he won't escape, trying to find his way "home." (Escaping on the bike 0is one thing he still does, or tries to.) He looks at the chained bike and says, "No, I can't ride this, it doesn't work." and does not ask for the key, or try to find it. When I unlock it for him he is happy and surprised that his bike works again. He thinks I work magic. The other day I joined him on the porch swing and saw he was "reading" my book. I thought that was good and found something else to read. Later when we were going out to our friends' lake cottage I wanted to take the book along and could not find it anywhere. I asked him if he knew where it was, even though he can NEVER find anything. I had looked everywhere and it is a big book. About ready to leave without it when he suddenly appears before me, holding the book. "Where did you find it?" No answer, no idea. I'll never know.
Prayers for you Diane and for all of us!! Frustration hits and then guilt in my case. I'm trying to work through that. I don't think anyone could deal with what we all deal with daily and not get frustrated. We may be overworked, frustrated, tired...etc...but we're still human! Now I have to check the refrigerator, I seem to feel cold air moving towards me!
Diane, I uderstand your frustration...I live it daily too. DH always is into something, but thank God has not pulled the handles off the fridge (but he did break the handle off the toilet). He has this fascination with all mail then hides it so I can't find it. Cannot remember where he put anything and if you ask the answer is always "I didn't touch it". I can't tell you how many articles of clothing I've replaced because he did something with them but claims NEVER to have touched them. And they've never been found. It took me 6 months to find my car keys.
Kathi37, My DH does that all the time..hence he does not drive..thinks he can but is happy to let me do it. Make sure he does not drive now. I told my DH that " you do all the driving and my freeway skills are getting puny..I think you need to let me do some of it more often" (this was a fiblet..my driving was fine) so he was all for it and now just hops into the passenger side and says, "wheels up pilot".
briegull, I like your "analysis;" and it's so accurate! Hbs bike is also locked, and he ponders over this "black thing" that's on it. Ahh yes, things appear and disappear around here like magic.
Thanks for all your kind (and sometimes funny) words. Took DH to the cardio clinic today for his chest xray and ct scan to check his arotic anuerysm. Got off the freeway and was promptly rear-ended by someone how obviously had someplace else to be, as he threw it in reverse, whipped around, and fled the scene. Don't even know what kind of car he was driving. One of my freinds here said it best....if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck! :(
A dear friend died a few months ago at 89, with Alz, and with an aortic aneurism intact which was diagnosed somewhere around 30 years ago. Wise not to have the surgery, DIane!~
I learn SOOOOoooo much here! Chaining the refrigerator. Never head of that one :-0
However BE CAREFUL!!! It could land you in jail!
I work at the govt agency that licenses EMTs and Paramedics. To get their card they need fingerprints and background checks. The background checks include notification of any subsequent arrests. (so we get notified about all their latest DWI arrests and stuff) Then we decide if their cards should be suspended, revoked etc.
Anyway the person who works with these criminal and arrest issues tells me about a case she handled yesterday.
A young EMT caring for his AD mother at home. Seems he 'locked up the refrigerator'. (Now I understand why) He sister comes over to visit (probably NOT an understanding person) sees the locked fridge and CALLS APS because she claims that her brother is denying mom food!
The kid is ARRESTED!! Goes to jail (dont know for how long) He is eventually released and the charges are dropped. Because there was an 'arrest' we are notified and he has to explain things to us. (sigh)
OK, no prosecution/conviction for him, but now he has an "Elder Abuse" on his record that he will have to report for the rest of his life!!! (arrest or conviction doesnt matter to licensing or an employer)
So if you have evil family members visiting or think that APS might visit, unlock the fridge!!
Hmmm - my son locks their fridge with child safety locks made for them. My grandson has numerous allergies to food that can make him very ill. the locks don't help much cause at 2 he figured out how to 'fix' them!
We took off yesterday to start our summer travels, but due to my believing my daughter, ended it today. We had been talking since last Friday when she called begging for money cause they had no food due to food stamps funds not being put on her card. Then over the weekend she said she was ready to leave this guy who refuses to work and support her choosing to live off her child support, food stamps and money he begs off his parents. I told her we were leaving Tuesday so she had until then. Didn't hear anything from her so took off.
This morning she called in tears telling me he was going to throw her out of the house and she was ready to leave. So, believing her we packed up the motorhome, came back to my sister's and was going to head for Tenn. tomorrow. But, I told her I would call before we left to make sure and once we left, she would come back with us. She left me a message this afternoon (we had stopped to eat) saying she wanted a couple days to think about it but if we showed up she would go. Tonight she IM'd me that she was not going to leave. They had worked it out - again. this guy is also bi-polar and refuses to take any meds for it. She started off asking if my intent in getting her out her was so I could take her to court to get custody of her 4 year old son. I don't have time or the energy to take care of a 4 year old full time. Then she proceeded to bring up her who childhood blaming me for all her problems of which I told her she is an adult and responsible for all her decisions. She even brought up how she didn't like her Christmas presents as a child. The was upset cause we are not going to drive back for her birthday next month. She will be 33 going on 16!
It ended with me telling her 'don't call me, you have burned your last bridge'.
We lost our reservations at that park so tomorrow I will call to see if we can get into another of our parks.
Read this in a magazine. An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. Mr. Smith , you are in great shape says the doctor. How do you do it. Mr. Smith says I don't drink, I don't smoke and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night he turns the light on for me. The doctor finds Mrs. Smith and tells her what her husband said. I don't think that's anything to worry about, she says. But it does explain who's been peeing in the fridge.
Charlotte - I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this with your daughter. I've had a similar experience, and unfortunately, I had to stick by my words of "don't call me anymore". It was hard, but I got to the point, as I'm sure you are, that enabling does more harm than good. Hang in there, don't answer the phone, and stay strong. I hope you find a park and can relax a little! In my prayers.....
Diane and Charlotte, I admire both of you for being able to do what was necessary with your children. My brother would be a lot better off now if my parents had cut him off years ago.
I deal with my step son who is bi polar... Charlotte, i thank God for my own 2 kids who are unbelievably supportive. His 2 kids, one lives in Costa rica, and the Bipolar one wants to live with us. Argggggh!!! Like I don't have enough on my plate.
I didn't look for a park today - hb slept 14 hours. He was so tired from three days of breaking down/setting up. Monday it was for a/c work on the MH, then Tuesday travel to the park and yesterday coming back. Tomorrow I will call about getting into a park we have over in Cheney, WA.
My daughter really went bonkers early this morning and today. I realize all these attacks on me are her way to feel she is making the right choice to stay with this guy. She sent me emails claiming my motives were to get her back here to take her son away from her. I emailed back what I have to deal with now and look forward to with her dad, so why would I want to bring a 4 year old into the equation? She doesn't believe her dad is that bad - just more of my controlling him. Her brother told her it is and backed me up. Backed up that talking to on the phone is different than 24/7. He has seen me hide the tears when his dad can no longer do things that were second nature to him.
To make her point even more she posted the following on facebook: ''Chris isn't always an angry person. All he is doing is being bent on helping me grow and succeed. He has a hard job to do. Sometimes, he has to be a dad to me, teaching me to not step out of line. Sometimes he may seem to take it too far and I missunderstand. Most of the time, however, he is a husband to me.This man is helping me become a better person, I owe him my life. Chris is not abusive. Because of my abusive past, I fear abuseive behavior and toot the abuse horn too soon. ''
my reply:'' what you describe above is a controlling, emotionally and verbally abuser. And he is not your husband= he is a guy you shack up with.''
She also sent an email via FB telling me about this conversation she had with my mom a year before she died and how my mom is speaking to her in dreams about how screwed up I am. Fact: my mom didn't know who anyone was the last 5 years of her life and didn't speak at all the last two. As for my mom talking to her in dreams, she has allowed herself to be involved in demonic things and the stuff she says my mom told her about my childhood are not even close.
She is one sick, disturb child. And if I were closer to her, I would go for custody of her son to get him in a safer, healthier environment. Would not be hard to prove her unfit since half the time the electric or water is off, she spends her food stamps on food for her boyfriend and child support money on him instead of her son. He is subjected to the boyfriend calling her a whore all the time because he 'supports' her (on money he begs from parents) and profanity that makes me nauseated.
My final words, other than the post on FB, was again: you have burnt your last bridge. Don't call me. I forwarded all the emails and IMs to her brother so he knows too. Since it is in print, her own words, there can be no questions as to what she said. A positive: I did not get upset over all her crap this time. I have too much going on. I just hope he doesn't go from verbally and emotionally abusive to physical. He has a couple times the last 3 years so she might end up dead someday.
Charlotte, whar a mess. Heartbreaking to see your daughter so misguided. But if she won't listen to reason, there's nothing more you can do. Maybe just let her know that you would be willing to help her if she ditches this guy for good?
Charlotte, can't you block her from your Facebook and email account. that would send a loud message to her.. Having had to endure my late husband's children (in their 50's) who are demanding $300,000 from his estate based on an insurance policy he had payable to his late wife 30 plus years ago..that he NO LONGER HAD when he died.... (Just don't even try to understand that!..) They believed they were entitled ... It does NOT exist. There IS NO such policy..so now they want it from his estate. It was mentioned in the divorce decree, with no mention of them at all since they were grown and married when they divorced... So, yep, I understand. I blocked his email from my accounts and blocked him on FACEBOOK. Before I did this, I gave the son the name of my attorney and suggested all correspondence to be be sent through her. Subsequent communciation was minus abusive words, accusations and threats. Tell her to write her brother...and if he deems it important enough, he will forward the info on to you. There is NO WAY she is talking with her late grandmother and getting information on you. No psychiatrist in the land would buy that story. I'm so sorry.
She probably does Nancy or think it is a big sum. Who knows how long the house will take to go thru probate and then his brother get around to selling it. His brother won't even tell me who the attorney is that he uses. This is the time I wish I had copied the paperwork hb signed allowing his brother to be executive over the estate. I am going to try and contact Middlesex County probate court to see if they can let me know if anything is filed. Whatever we get will be used for hb's future needs like moving out of the RV into an apartment or buying a house if it becomes necessary.
If either of my kids had been production adults working to support them and their families instead of living off the government and others, I would consider sharing with them. But, we shelled out $20,000 or more for our son when he got into trouble in 1999 for legal fees and other expenses he never attempted to repay, so I feel no obligation or desire to share with them.
Daughter sent an email today angry that I told her brother what was going on. She asked when I was going to stand up for myself instead of hiding behind her dad or her brother. I wont' say the other stuff but it just shows how desperate she is to feel she is doing the right thing. (that is my opinion).
I won't cut her off from email for two reasons: it gives her a way to communicate and I have a written record of what she says in her own words. I have a big file in fact. I can survive her barrage better now than ever before. Don't know if it is because I am focused on hb or the 'Serenity Formula' I am taking. I definitely notice a difference with it.
They say that 'sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me"....but they do. I hurt through and through when someone I loves lashes out at me.
NancyB Your comment is worth everyone listening to and making sure they have a good elder care lawyer in their backing.. I have step kids and while everything is and has always been smooth and we get along great and they all appreciate all I do for their dad, there is a part of me that has seen some ugly stuff when there is a death in a family and I dread the idea that they could come into the house and take things that once belonged to their dad. It is not that I wouldn't at some time give it to them but it is something that I have taken care of for more than 33 years...and I feel things should be given to them when we are ready to let it go...After all, they got married in their 20s, have come to visit sometimes as finances and kids and babies let them but I still am the one who dusted things and cared for them... I have seen nieces and nephews come through a home of an elderly person and take things off the walls or worse walk through as if taking inventory. And worse yet caregivers in my parents house would say things to me..." what are you going to do with all this stuff when your parents die? I would like this lamp or that set of dishes...." So I put everything I could of value, price or sentiment in a walk in closet and my brother and I had the keys to the deadbolt lock! We had theft while my parents were alive and it was not family members who had the sticky fingers.
Be mindful of this kind of thing. Our first lawyer had instructions that if anything happened to us (say a car accident) and be we in hospital or in heaven he was to come and change the locks on the house and NO ONE gets in with out him present.