This must be the season for placements. I have read and responded to our group that are going through this. Thought it was the time to post our story.
I have found a wonderful ALF 5 miles from my home. It is so sweet and the people there have been so helpful. It is very "new-age" and immersed in the quirckiness of New Mexico. It is run by a woman that believes in ageless living and the right to grow old surrounded by high nutrition, peace, love.
She has currently a number of acres that are certified organic, with 4 more acres ready to certify this spring. This little oasis has 4 houses that create a courtyard of sculpture, flower gardens, shade trees and little fun statuary.
The complex has the 4 houses, private and semi-private rooms, an open to the public day spa, salon and organic restaurant. The residents are fed food straight from their fields whenever possible and fast food etc is frowned upon unless on a treat basis. I warned them that by guy will want his hostess and I can provide a stash for him ;)
Our date for placement is July 16th. One week from today.
The reputation of this place is very high and I am shocked I can get him in. I brought him over there yesterday to have him see it and he thought it was very pretty and very nice. He doesn't know why he was there, tho.
My out of pocket for this will be 1200.00 per month. I am leaping off a cliff with faith that I will find a way to pay this, even if it means bankruptcy down the road for me. I have lived with an 850 credit score and have lived with a 525 score. At this point in my life, I could care less. I just want my guy taken care of well, in a good enviroment and close to me so we can continue our relationship.
So..the age old question that I have searched here for and found many suggestions is: How do I tell him? WHEN do I tell him? I have no friends or family here..the transfer itself feels VERY SCARY to me. We will go straight from our house to the facility Friday.
Any ideas, opinions,etc highly appreciated. sheltifan
Sheltifan, I don't have any suggestions because I am not at that point YET! I do hope your DH does well when you take him to the ALF. It sounds like it is a lovely place and I'm sure once he settles in he will be happy there. Good luck and God Bless.
Sheltifan is that the total cost???? Or is that over what other insurance will cover. Suggestions for an easy transfer-rehab, to help them, for him to evaluate the facility, to give him a vacation. By the way-none of my suggestions worked for my husband.
When my aunt placed my uncle some years ago,the primary reason was that she had a cold and didn't want him to catch it so he was to go to St John Of God (in LA,CA) until she got over it. And while he was there on "vacation" she was to get the slope in the back yard repaired after the heavy El Nino that year. As it turned out, my aunt ended up with colon cancer found on the physical and I took care of her all summer so my uncle never came home again. It was her intention to have him home but the radiation wiped her out and by the time she was strong enough to have him home, he was in maybe 6 going on 7. He took a fever one afternoon and by that night he was gone. In the end, it was a blessing my aunt never saw him again as he had got very thin and did not communicate much, nothing verbal but he would light up when I came in or she did before she was too weak to do so. It is interesting that in spite of this terrible memory thief my uncle always knew who I was... Depending upon how much he understands, perhaps there can be some work at the house needing done so that it will be more restful for him to be on "vacation" and then you can see how well he settles in. The surroundings sound lovely and he might really like it there. And if you follow some of the suggestions about how to depart that others have posted from time to time, things might go quite well.
Most everyone I know has done the "vacation" thing. "I have to go away for a few days, so they will take care of you here while I am gone."
Others have gone the "day care" route. I don't know if the place you are talking about offers Day Care, but my friends have sent their spouses to Day Care for a few weeks or months (I know you don't have that kind of time), so they become used to the place and staff. Then when it's time for placement, the caregiver spouse goes on "vacation", and leaves them there for "awhile".
I am told that everyone adjusts after time - I wish you well on this next stage of your journey. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be.
Thank you for your best wishes for this adjustment. I swear it will be harder on me than him. But maybe not.
As far as the cost goes, that is after medicare and medicaid pay their share. So..my out of pocket expense. Otherwise is is well over 3k per month.
Right now, since he was there once, I am just going to say " Let's go see those gardens again" and hopefully staff will be able to take over.
I could just throw up when I think of it, but it is the best for him and for me. It's like getting from point A to point C and point B will tear you apart like a hurricane.
Hope the transition goes well for both of you. I told my husband that he needed to go where there were lots of people to help him walk and eat and all the things that he could not do by himself because I was only one person and I could not take care of him properly. He was unable to speak at this time but he went to the car and into the facility willingly and I truly believe that the move was harder on me than it was on him. He seems content. I see him at least 5 times a week. Good luck.
I said what ehamilton did, that I was only one person and couldn't take care of him properly etc. He didn't like it, but it was the truth, and I stuck to my guns.
One of his case workers said it can be done it a loose analogy to dropping your child on first day of kindegarden. Do it fast, firm and friendly and don't CRY. That is for private time.
Jerry.. this place is called The Center for Ageless Living and the website is www.nmagelessliving.com I happen to live out in the boondocks..I live between Belen and Los Lunas on the East Mesa. This place has a mailing address of Los Lunas, but is really in the Tome area.
If you want to e-mail me, I can be reached at sheltifan@q.com I have lots of info on New Mexico places for Albuquerque, etc.
Sheltifan, this sounds like a wonderful place. We are planning to place DH on July 26 and I'm feeling the same way. I just don't know if I can stand to do this but truly it seems like a very good place and the staff assures me that he will 'adust'. We have decided that he will go in for a week or so of health 'monitoring'. He recently had an echocardiogram and this will be the excuse to have him come in for a few days etc. That way, I can be there during the first week visiting and helping him get oriented etc. the second week, I'll find an excuse to have to be away..and maybe by the third week he will have adapted to the routine there. I feel like a criminal. Would much rather just say something else, nearly anything else..BUT he would not agree to stay anywhere for any other reason..I'm not sure he'll even agree to go for 'monitoring'. I would like to just tell him I need more help with his care but he doesn't realize that he NEEDS any help. The ONLY thing that provides any relief is the knowledge that he would be the first one to say and did say that he wouldn't want us to try to take care of him at home if he had some illness like a stroke or Alzheimers etc. The thing we never understood was that he would be conscious and physically functioning while at the same time unaware and defiant about needing additional care. New Mexico is a beautiful place..wish we were closer.
I so understand. We all, I am sure, have had these marriages built on trust, mutual respect etc etc. Now we are "theraputically lying". I feel so deceitful and full of betrayal. Add to that a dose of feeling like my marriage, such as it has been, is over. At least the living together and sleeping together part. I tell myself it is another part of this wonderful 31 year journey with this great guy..this part just not so wonderful.
He is asking some questions, so I know he is comprehending some things. He asked me if he should move and told him we should both keep an open mind and think about it.
He asked if the pretty place with the gardens was where he would move. I told him we should think of it as a possibility. He said he wasnt ready for that yet. I told him we will think and talk about it.
It's really strange what he is aware of of what he is oblivious to. It's nice to see that his mind is still working in there, but the verbal skills are just shot.
I'll be thinking of you and your family...what a crappy thing we have to face.
Good luck, Sheltifan. This does seem to be the season for placements. In June I went to a special vacation for Alzheimer couples and the two women I made friends with there have both had to place their spouses in the short time since then! I'm "placing" my dh short term for a vacation in October and am already worried about how to handle it.
As I have previously stated, I went thru this on Feb. 10. My children chose the facility and I drove my wife from the hospital in another state straight to the facility. No explanation, but, it went as well as could be expected. She thought she was going from one hospital to another.
I think this was harder on me than it was her. It is never easy.
My husband was transported by the hospital along with three other patients going from the same hospital to the same nursing home in the same vehicle. We showed up only a few minutes after he arrived. And it was OK. I didn't choose how it was done. The hospital chose it because they knew that it would work. And it did.
Today I went and did some advance decorating at DH ALF. The transfer will occur tomorrow. I plan on spending a good deal of the day there, maybe have lunch with everyone and finish decorating.
Dh is very quiet. I asked him yesterday if he was mad at me and he emphatically said no. I then asked if he was mad because he is moving to the "courtyard place" and he said no.
He seems somewhat resigned to it. I hope all goes well tomorrow and Thank God my Doctor gave me Zanax. Not a pill-popper usually, but I was having major anxiety attacks and they have stopped with the Zanax.
Wish us well and I will post tomorrow nite or the next to tell how it all went initially.
I know how so many of you have gone before me and it gives me hope.
I keep thinking...this is the last nap I will have with him, this is the last dinner I will make for him, this is the last nite (after almost 32 years) of sleeping next to him.
It seems like a small death, or divorce. I wouldn't let the aides change our sheets..I want his smell in bed with me. ( not poopy smell..HIS smell)
Will be thinking about you today, too Patty. The 'therapeutic lie' is about to do me in..but there is no better way to do this. At least your DH has agreed to go. Maybe that feels worse because it seems you both are thinking, this is the last time for this or that.. This feels nearly criminal but our children are supportive and insist that it is time..and it is. Thank goodness for Ativan. BLUEDAZE..I know you are completely right. Its not the worst thing and possibly could be the BEST thing for my DH right now simply because he'll have people to interact with all day and all night if necessary. Getting there is the big hurdle. I'm praying the staff can and will be able to carry some of the load after that..and for you as well, Patty. Good Luck
I admire the planning and even originality that you folks use for this terrible event. Even tho it has to be, that doesn't make it ease, so I am wishing you all the best. We didn't tell my DW in Feb. that she was going to a facility. In fact, I didn't really tell her anything. Just drove from the hospital to the facility and our children were waiting there. When she saw them, it seemed to make everything else all right.