As Joan has discovered, kicking herself for being so thick, it's downright dumb to turn down help, especially help that is very specific and offered by someone with the skills to do it for us. We Caregiver's can be our own worst enemies when it comes to accepting and receiving help--any help. I learned... It took me a long time, but here are my lessons learned. 1. We cannot do everything ourselves alone. Somethings will suffer if we try to do this--if nothing else we are the ones who suffer, and eventually that will affect our LO negatively. After DH had his Mental Breakdown, job related, he could not tolerate going anywhere near a grocery store, so from mid-April through October our 10 year old daughter and I would take our wagon and my manual wheelchair and do the grocery shopping. We'd pack a weeks worth of groceries in the wagon and chair and walk them home--about mile and a half. There were people who would have and could have done the shopping for us--if they'd known. I was the one who decided they were too busy.
2 and 3. Any help offered is something off our plate and we have no business doing things someone else can. If someone offers to mow your lawn, say, "Yes." While they are doing that you can be doing the paperwork to take to the attorney for your DPOA and Medical POA. Only you can do that--anyone can mow.
4. You are no worse off if you ask someone for help and the say "No." but if they say "Yes." you win big time. The answer is NOT your's to make.
5. There is no guilt in needing help nor in accepting it.
6. Accepting help graciously gives a gift to the giver. When we receive help graciously, with a simple sincere "Thank You", the giver has the good feelings of doing something good for someone. When we say, "You didn't have to do that." "You shouldn't have..." or outright turn their help down, we deny them the pleasuure of doing something good; we negate the value of their offer or their help. It's also possible that refusing help will cause them not to offer again.
7. It's a Great Idea to keep a list of specific things we'd like help with, and when we get the blind, unspecified offer of help--jump in with a "well do you think you could __________________ on Thursday at 2 pm?" Don't let this help get away.
Wise words, Joan and Carosi. I think that for most of us it comes naturally to say "You don't have to do that" but so nice when we learn to let someone share some of the burden. At the beginning of our special vacation for AD spouses and LOs last week I was asked if I needed any help with daily morning or evening care. Of course I said no: I do it all at home and it works. But I was very grateful when the volunteers occasionally pitched in "voluntarily" and took large or small matters out of my hands. For instance, when I was engaged in conversation, one of the female aides offered to take DH up to our hotel room to help him change into long pants for dinner. I hesitated, unsure that he would accept her help. But she took him, even changed his depends and he was perfectly fine with it. The whole week was a lesson in learning to accept help.
Just yesterday, my neighbors came over when I got home from work (they are young and have a five month old baby) and asked how my husband was, and asked if I needed anything. They knew my grandson was leaving soon and want to help. I explained that if my husband fell, that I could use his help in getting him up. He said sure, anything at all that you need, you call me and I'll be here. And he meant it. I'm fortunate to have great neighbors!
Joan and Carosi, I agree with JeanetteB....very wise words!!
It seems that we are pretty good, all of us, at giving what Christians call GRACE. We give it gladly, but often are not good at accepting that same grace from others. Thanks for the reminder.